2008

Here we have it, a list of 37 things I've done in 2008.

1. Moved out of my parent’s house
2. Left my childhood home.
3. Moved into a house with my friends.
4. Stayed behind.
5. Worked from home.
6. Worked full-time as a receptionist.
7. Worked full-time and run an incredibly small department for an international company.
8. Worked in a pub.
9. Started university.
10. Dyed my hair purple.
11. Visited Australia x2
12. Visited Singapore x 2
13. Visited Dubai x 2
14. Celebrated Chinese New Year in Chinatown (awesome).
    
15. Went to London.
16. Went to the zoo.
17. Saw the Mystery Jets.
    
18. Improved my French.
19. Got a 2:1 for my first two university essays.
20. Had vertigo.
21. Cycled a lot.
22. Written several stupid poems.
23. Turned 19.
24. Went to the Mighty Boosh Festival.
25. Filmed a ‘Cribs’ episode for our house.
26. Got a hamster.
27. Got a fish x 2
28. Killed a fish x 2
29. Lost a pair of underwear down the main road.
30. Hallucinated x 3
31. Was given a beautiful Orchid.
32. Refurbished a dead chair.
33. Saw Father Christmas.
34. Went to the fireworks x 2
35. Fed ducks x 4
    
36. Witnessed a really cool pub fight.
37. Handcuffed a penguin.
    

Ok, so the last one's a lie, but it's on my to-do list!

This list is among other things, of course, but those are the things I could remember... don't ask me what the number 37 is about, I'm beginning to think it's got something to do with Dr. Who...

How To Pack A Suitcase

I've done a fair bit of packing and I'd like to think I've got it down to a fine art. Here's how I pack:

• Know the weight allowance for your checked-in luggage on your airline website. This will depend on what type of flight you're going on and what airline you're with. Long-haul is usually between 20-26kg... so fill your booties, cuties.
  
• If you're a girl you get to take two hand luggage bags! Hooray for ladies! You can take one 'small' handbag and a hand luggage bag. Anyone can also take a laptop, but you can't take a laptop and a small handbag if that makes sense. Oh, and they have to fit in the squarey hand luggage size-tester thingy at the airport however many bags you're taking.
• Hand luggage is obvious, but I wrote about that before here.
  
• To pack clothes, make sure you've got enough outfits for the number of days you're there if you're there for a week or less. Any more than a week and you might want to consider taking less clothes but make sure that you have something to wear that is formal. If you want take one or two dresses, but they're not very practical in terms of packing because they take up more room if they're poofy and you can't mix and match them with anything.
• Never take more than 3 pairs of shoes, wherever you're going and whatever you're doing: it's unnecessary.
• When putting things in your suitcase, put things into piles of: Clothes, Heavy objects (i.e. books), Light objects (Toiletries) and Dodgy things (i.e. weirdly shaped things and food).
• Firstly, heavy things go at the bottom of the suitcase, so it's not top heavy and doesn't keep falling over.
  
• Underwear and jewellery goes in shoes, shoes also go at the bottom and preferably in plastic bags so no dirty shoe-ness gets on your clothes. Make sure there's no mud on your shoes as this can be a bit iffy at some customs (mainly Australia and the US).
• If you roll clothes instead of folding them, they don't crease as much but they take up more room I think.
  
• Put one set of clothes in your handluggage.
• Everything else just goes in wherever it will go, except...
  
• Dodgy things need to go right at the top of your suitcase, or so they're easily accessible. This is in case you get stopped at customs and have to open your suitcase. It just saves time. They probably won't want to look at the food you have, but if you have anything that's very pointy, freaky, or weapony then they'll probably want to know what it is.
• Dodgy things also includes any medicines. Make sure they're all in the original boxes with instructions and declare them.
  
• Keep a small list of last minute things to pack which you will be using right until you leave, including: hairbrush, toothbrush, keys, phone etc. which you might not want to have in your handluggage.
• But actually, I would keep phones in hand luggage - if you would die without it, don't put it in your checked-in luggage, because bags do get lost. This is why you should always put a luggage tag on your bag with your name and address and remove any tags from previous flights.
  
• Have travel insurance and a copy of it on you whilst travelling.
  
• Put a padlock on your bag because luggage handlers have been known to nick things. If customs want to look inside, they will... but they'll just smash the lock off.
• Designer suitcases attract thieves. Mines from Argos and it's done me fine to New York, Isle of Wight and Australia 3 times in the last few years.
  
• The week before you go also have a bit of paper somewhere to write down things you remember you need to pack - I always remember odd things one by one and it's just useful to have a list to cross off as I'm packing.
• Finally - for Christ's sake make sure you know what you can and can't take into the country. The amount of stupid people you see bringing fruit and nuts into Australia is ridiculous - even wooden objects! If the x-rays don't find it, the sniffer-dogs will - you will be fined, and you will deserve it. Gutted indeed.
  

And that is all my little pickle-noses!

Prince's New Beard

Has anyone else noticed Prince William's new beard? Oh good, so it's not a figment of my imagination, I was getting worried that I was hallucinating beards again.

Usually I would approve of this new beardy look, but not in this case. Everyone knows Prince William has been slowly(ish) going bald for the last few years, and now it just looks like his hair has slid off his head and on to the royal chin.

Not to mention it's ginger, and everyone knows ginger beards are a source of hilarity.

Incidently, when I was trying to find a picture to go along with this, why is it that all I could find was that chappy off Narnia who looks a bit like Fergus?

Second Films

Four Films I've Watched For The Second Time In The Last Week

1. Mamma Mia
2. Iron Man
3. Ghost Town
4. The Holiday
   

Overheard #7

Aussie #1: What are you going to the Hollywood party as?
Aussie #2: I was going to go as myself and say I'm some obscure film character.
#1: Yeah but it's 50s, so you'll have to wear slacks.
#2: These are sort of slacks [pointing at his skinny jeans]
#1: No, they're jeans.
#2: Fuck off, they're slacks.

Christmasbreadmen

Merry Christmas!

... that is all.

Bedtime

Why don't you...

Go to bed!

... Father Christmas doesn't come if you're awake!!

What a To-Do!

It's Christmas Eve, so here's your To-Do list:

• Put out some food for Father Christmas
  
• Get drunk
• Eat
  
• Argue

Hamster Eating Popcorn

I laughed so much I ended up just screaming... and I'm now wheezing. This video will complete your life, guaranteed.

Mistletoes

I had a pedicure today (sorry Sarah) and my feet are all beautiful. I wanted to put Christmas trees on them, but they didn't do that which was a shame. I got slightly bruised by the chair but apart from that it was lovely.

After this we went to the cinema, where my mum and I were given the wrong tickets so we missed the beginning of our film. We came out to discover that in the film my brother and dad had been watching some idiot had set off a fire extinguisher so the whole room was filled with smoke which stung their eyes. We did a lot of complaining and got a refund and free tickets to come again, but that's not really the point. Just remember to complain, everyone - you will get free stuff!

I'm not a fan of stereotypes, but I think the Australian one is pretty much spot on. 'Nice-but-dim' doesn't really apply... I'd say less of the nice, more of the dim.

After the cinema fandango I made a cheesecake with my cousin. We ended up with a ridiculous amount of cheese in our hair, on the walls, on the floor, and probably on the ceiling too. We'll see if it's nice or not tomorrow... Christmas Eve!

Vanessa Paradis

Bon Anniversaire, Vanessa Paradis!



Who?
Vanessa Paradis, a.k.a. Vanessa Chantal Paradis.

Where?
She was born in Saint-Maur-des-Fosses in France.

When?
She was born in 1972, making her 36 years old today. She was discovered in 1980, but her first decent song, 'Joe Le Taxi' was released in 1987 and became the 84th best selling single of all time.

What?
I would describe her as the French Kylie Minogue. She did some modelling for Chanel in the 90s and then again a few years ago, but I'm not sure if she's still with them now. She's also not married to Johnny Depp, but they have two kids together, so whatever.

She is my favourite french singer, a bit more pop than any English music I'd listen to, but I think French music is better suited to pop anyway. Most of her songs have been disabled for embedding, but that's ok because you probably wouldn't have watched them anyway. Check her out on YouTube if you're bothered - some good recent songs are Chet Baker and Des Que J'te Vois.



Now, let's try and not mention her teeth.

Vintageland

I went vintage shopping with my cousin yesterday in the indie part of the city (pronounced: sid-ee). There are a lot of lovely vintage shops around especially down this one street which is practically all amazing quality vintage shops and then just one giant charity shop at the end.

I spent $30 (£12 ish) and I returned from vintageland with: 2 tackerific Christmas jumpers, 2 vintage dresses, and a pair of (never worn) shoes. Bargainous!

Can't wait to wear my Christmas jumpers, but it's quite hot here at the moment so I might have to wait a while. They are beautiful indeed. One even has wings.

Tim Tams

I love: Tim Tams

I hate: Tim Tams making me fat!

Australian Christmas

As far as I'm aware, here are the differences between an English and an Aussie Christmas:

• It's summer!
• Summer entails many barbecues (However, Aussies, much like the English will have a barbecue despite the weather not being appropriate)
• Lots of people go to the beach
• Crayfish seems to be to be as common as turkey, or used as a turkey substitute
• Some decorations are even tackier than the UK, if you can believe it
• A lot more time is spent on the telephone, as most Australians have relatives all over the world
• Shopping is a Christmas sport, except here it's done as a way to get out of the heat
• All the snowmen are dead
  
• Santa wears a speedo

Ok, so maybe the last one isn't true, or even a particularly pleasant mental image, but I thought I'd throw the idea in there. I certainly shan't be sitting on his lap.

From this I conclude (conclusions are always good!) that an English Christmas is the only way to go. It's just not the same when you're spending Christmas at the beach, and burning faster than the barbecued turkey.

Tweedle Ring

Oh my goodness... amazing. I like the Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee ones too. Why have I forgotten how to speak Japanese?! I can't understand this site at all. I'm sure they're ridiculously expensive though.

Pretty though!

Let's wait for the knock-offs to emerge.

Shivering Water Tim Tams

A global theme this week.



Tim Tams - Oh they are yummy little biscuits of wonder.

Family - It's nice to see them, it reminds me why I am how I am sometimes.

Animals - There's lots of nice ones here.

Not shivering - It's still cold here, despite the fact that it should be boiling. It's not as cold as England though, but we have had the fire on every morning and evening.



Flights - I don't mind flying at all, put me on a plane and I'll deal with it for however long. What I can't stand is flying with my brother, who despite having gone on nearly as many flights as me still needs to be reminded that no, he can't take is razor on the plane (why would he need to) and nor can he take his giant aerosol deoderant in hand luggage. Also, lace-up steel-toe boots... not a good idea for wearing through airports.

Family - Some of them make me angry, some of them just make me sad. I love my grandads very much but I wish they wouldn't put such pressure on me. My aunt needs to learn to mind her own business.

Water - Why is it that the second you get remotely near Dubai any water becomes repulsive? I've been drinking ribena the whole time.

Missing People - Yes, I am on the other side of the world, and this probably will entail that I will be out of the loop for a while as it were and miss out on things. Which is a bit shit, but there we go. I miss people whereever I am in the world, so I might as well stop worrying about it.

Brian

As my facebook status said indicated, I am being stalked by a cat called Brian.

It's true. Brian is a very skinny tabby who I have named Brian after Brian Ferry. He's got shifty green eyes and he's sort of a black and ginger tabby colour. Anyway... he has been hanging around our garden since Sunday when we spoke to him for a bit and gave him a bit of attention. Ever since he's been in our garden, sleeping on the chairs and sitting on the barbecue!

Brian has also worked out how to open the back door, so we have to keep it locked all the time now. We can't leave any windows open because he keeps climbing in the windows. If he can't work out a sneaky way to get in, after about half an hour he starts meowing constantly.

I think he's wonderful, but my mum doesn't want him in because she doesn't want him pissing everywhere. Fair enough, I suppose, but Brian is a genius among cats and incredibly cute as well, so I say he should be able to come and go as he pleases.

Allergic to Christmas

I think I'm allergic to Christmas...trees.

This is not surprising really, because I do have hayfever all year round, as well as a dust allergy. Usually we have a fake tree, and the dust off that makes me sneeze. Merry Christmas, Rhinitus! But this year we bought a real tree off a woman who I swear was Yoko Ono, and the real tree makes me sneeze as well! So maybe it's not hayfever or dust, maybe it's just Christmas trees in general... or Yoko Ono.

The beautiful new tree has been sprayed a lot and shaked about as if it were a polaroid picture. No spiders in there (I'm in Australia at the moment by the way - more on this to come, I'm sure) no way, no way!

We Feel Fine

I'm sure you've heard about this: We Feel Fine. It's a bizarre website, which lets you know what people are feeling all over the world. It represents each feeling with a coloured dots

It's very hard to explain, just have a look and see for yourself.

Top 6 Christmas Songs

6. Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas Is You

Traditionally sung to George on Christmas Eve.



5. Bing Crosby & David Bowie - Little Drummer Boy

Bom bom bom bom...


4. The Pretenders - 2000 Miles

Such a lovely song, shame I can't listen to it very often.



3. Wham - Last Christmas

Loves a bit of Christmas cheese!



2. The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping (But you can have the Spice Girl's version, because it's not on YouTube!)

The world's smallest turkey, rapping, cranberries - what more could you want!



1. The Pogues - Fairytale of New York

Had to be here, although actually I think I'd put 2000 Miles here if it didn't make me so sad.

Stupid Legs

As I said before, I epilated the other day. Whilst doing it I was thinking "This is awful, I'm never doing this again", but now I'm not entirely opposed to the idea.

Have you ever heard that there's supposed to be a hormone that's released after women give birth that makes them forget about the pain, so they're more likely to have more children? What a fucking misogynistic hormone that is! Anyway, I think this is probably the cause of my stupid change in opinion, and it's probably present a lot more than we think. I'm not sure what the evolutionary advantage of me having lovely legs has got to do with it, but let's ignore that fact. I can think of no other explanation... except stupidity.

Animal Epilating Holiday

Hello there. It's Thursday.



Holiday - Well, sort of. Well, not really. I'm sort of going on a not-really holiday. There will be sun, and I will burn. I will spend lots of money on stupid things and I will eat a lot of terrible, terrible food. Despite this, I get to see my mummy and daddy, so it's not all bad.

Christmas - Oh yes, it's rapidly approaching! I hope you've got all your Christmas shopping done... because I have! Muahahaha

Animals - I have been a variety of animals this week, including: a dinosaur, a snail, a giraffe, a dog, a cat and a reindeer.



Epilating - The necessary evil. Oh, the horror, even my numbed nerves in my legs aren't too happy about the experience.

Packing - Another necessary holiday evil. I wouldn't mind so much if I had actually packed a lot, but I had to jump on my suitcase to close it and I've only packed 7 days worth of clothes and two pairs of shoes - that's it! The rest is presents yet my suitcase is ridiculously heavy.

Leaving - I don't want to go. I like being here, and I hate to think of all the things that will be going on without me that I'm going to miss out on.

Je Crois

I believe in fate, to an extent.

Je crois en destin, jusqu'à un certain point.

I believe in second chances, but not third.

Je crois en le deuxième occase, mais je ne crois pas en le troisième.

I believe in the invisible.

Je crois dans l’invisible.

I believe that some people want to fail.

Je crois que quelques gens veulent manquer.

I believe that horoscopes are usually wrong.

Je crois que l’horoscopes sont habituellement faux.

I believe that potential is limitless, and that most people don’t try hard enough.

Je crois que potentiel est sans limite et plus le gens ne essaient pas assez.

I believe in courtesy.

Je crois en courtoisie.

I believe that all love is conditional.

Je crois que tout l’amour est conditionnel.

I believe in choice.

Je crois en choix.

I believe in goblins.

Je crois en les gobelins.

Can't and Don't

“We can't all, and some just don't. That's all there is to it.”
-- A. A. Milne

La Poitrine De Andy

Si je pourrais-être quelconque chose
Dans le monde qui vole,
Je serais une chauve-souris
Et abattrais sur tu.
Et si le temp que tu a été ici dernier,
Les choses a été bizarre,

Tu sais quoi passé après le nuit,
Quand les serpents perdent sa dépouille et sa cœurs
Et tout les missionnaires perdent leur grume.

Oh, tout les arbres crient à tu
Et tout les feu de venin à tu
Et tout les montagne rocher à tu?

Si je pourrais-être quelconque chose
Dans le monde qui croque,
Au lieu de ocelot avec un dentier sur une laisse,
Je préfère être un cerf-volant
Et attache à le bout de ton cordon
Et vole dans l’air à nuit

Tu sais que ils disent de le grizzli,
Quand tu rases le bébé cheveux…
Tu as un grand grizzli avec l’esprit velu

Et tout les sonailles roulent pour toi
Et les pierres entre en éruption
Et tout le moins cher suceur de sang volent à tu

Andy's Chest

If I could be anything
In the world that flew
I would be a bat and come
Swooping after you
And if the last time you were here
Things were a bit askew

Well, you know what happens after dark
When rattlesnakes lose their skins and their hearts
And all the missionaries lose their bark

Oh, all the trees are calling after you
And all the venom snipers after you
Are all the mountains boulder after you

If I could be any one of the things
In this world that bite
Instead of a dentured ocelot on a leash
I'd rather be a kite
And be tied to the end of your string
And flying in the air at night

'Cause you know what they say about honey bears
When you shave off all their baby hair
You have a hairy minded pink bare bear

And all the bells are rolling out for you
And stones are all erupting out for you
And all the cheap bloodsuckers are flying after you



"And curtains laced with diamonds, dear, for you
And all the Roman noblemen for you."

-- Lou Reed

Nice.

Love Will

It's a question of optimism versus pessimism: which song do you prefer?

Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division



Love Will Keep Us Together - Captain & Tennille



You've got to love a bit of cheese. I'd like to point out that Captain & Tennille are still together 30 years after that song was #1. Optimism FTW, pretty much.

Although I do like a bit of Joy Division... which one do you prefer?

Things To Say

You know how annoying it is when you're in a situation and never know what to say, but then think of the perfect thing to say later? Well, I've devised a plan. This is what I shall say in the following common scenarios:

If David Bowie does something peculiar: "That's pretty freaky, Bowie"

If David Bowie comes to fix our bathroom tap: "That's pretty leaky, Bowie"

If David Bowie eats the last custard cream: "That's pretty cheeky, Bowie"

If David Bowie buys a bamboo chair: "That's pretty tiki, Bowie"

If David Bowie steps on a mouse: "That's pretty squeaky, Bowie"

If a snowman comes to life: "That's pretty freaky, snowy"

Christmas Shopping

Why don't you...

Do some Christmas shopping?

Here's why.

Feminist Graffiti

Feminism FTW.

Sabrina the Christmas Rap

I can't believe it's December already...

I would like to point out that for some reason I must have been a bit deliriously happy because instead of 3 of each, I wrote 3 yays, and then 1 nays and 2 nays that were actually good things... stupidly... oh well, they've been moved. It's an extra-optimistic one this week, to make up for last week!



Essays - I got 2:1s for both my first essays, now let's see how we can get some 1:1s going on... that would be nice. Also, I've just finished the plan for my next essay, which is good so all I need to do now is make up some words and we're hot to trot!

Christmas - It is soon. Within the month, that is. In 21 days, that is. Yep! I've been wearing a santa hat pretty much constantly this week. I intend to continue this festive habit until my hair becomes positively Tina Turner-esque in appearance.

90s Rap - It's all good. I've been washing up today to a bit of De La Soul and Sugar Hill Gang. It's all good. I can ignore the misogynistic slurs, they're some funky songs.

Johnny Depp - Aside from the obvious talents he is an incredibly good actor. I highly recommend 'Benny & Joon' which I have just discovered is on YouTube! The whole film!

Sabrina - George and I have just watched 3 hours of Sabrina. That's right - 3 hours. I know, I know... we're too cool. Happy Bobunk by the way!


Christmas - I will be far away and missing everyone ever-so.

90s Bands

Four Fanastic 90s Bands

1. Catatonia
2. Blur
3. R.E.M
4. The Spice Girls
   

Wayne's Words of Wisdom

No, not that Wayne. Wayne Coyne from the Flaming Lips!

Here's an article he wrote. Check out what he has to say for himself on the subject of happiness, he's a very interessting and intelligent man.

Also, if you care to listen, here is one of his more fantastic songs, although they're all pretty marvellous. I am a particular fan of 'This Here Giraffe', but here's 'Do You Realize??'

Did you stab...?

Did you know...?

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.

Stupid Bikes

I recently bought a new bike lock. This is because some idiot thought it would be funny to take my old one - I know it was old and really rubbish, and I was going to buy a new one but that's not the point.

The thing that annoys me is that I had to pay £13 to get this bike lock so I can cycle to work, so I won't get murdered on the way home at 3am, when actually I wouldn't need to cycle at all let alone buy a new bike lock if the people around here weren't such idiotic thugs.

Now I have to work for over 2 hours just to earn back the money I spent on this new lock. Seems a bit stupid, doesn't it?

Condensed Songs

Lollerskates at this...

Fifty years of pop songs condensed into a single sentence.

Very interesting.

Aggressive Malfoys

If I remember rightly, Cissy once referred to me as “the most aggressive person [she] know[s]”1… it might have been 'violent' actually, but I’m not sure. After much thought and deliberation, I would like to justify this accusation.

I have discovered that this aggression stems from maternal instincts, and the strong need to protect everything and everyone that I love. For example, if anyone, (even the Queen… or Jesus!) hurts anyone I love, I will rip off their bastarding heads and flush them down the toilet, and have no qualms with this whatsoever. This is why my aggression tends to be sporadic.

I was thinking about this today when I had a 1-2-1 with my tutor – the way I behaved in that meeting compared to, for example, how I behave at work. I’m not exactly going to be polite and quiet around the blokes in the pub, they’d eat you alive, but then I can’t exactly tell my tutor to “fuck off” when she tells me my referencing was wrong.

I’d like to think I was generally a nice person, but if I feel threatened... someone’s head’s going down the loo.

1. Malfoy, Narcissa, Things I Think That Sophie Is, (Malfoy Manor, Malfoy Press Ltd. 2007)

Not Today

Today is Thursday. I am aware of this interesting fact. I am also aware that this means that some people might be expecting me to do a certain type of blog today.

Well, tough boobs, you're not getting one. Not today, anyway.

Underrated Food

4 Highly Underrated Foods

1. Overcooked Broccoli
2. Sushi
   
3. Rice pudding
   
4. Pickles

L'Avenir

Here's a little bit of the french essay I've just finished, in case you're interested.

Je voudrais être un professeur d’anglais et travaillerai dans une école primaire ou un collège. Je pense il serait amusant travailler avec des enfants et adolescents, mais aussi plutôt dur, et ça prendai beaucoup de temps.

Je aimerai acheter un grande maison à la campagne avec une jardin jolie parce que je voudrais beaucoup des animaux. Je pourrais marier, mais c’est ne pas essentiel. Toutefois, j’aurai des enfants. Je voudrais un plutôt grande famille, avec beaucoup des enfants - éventuellement trois ou quatre. Je travaillerai à mi-temps, et passerai beaucoup de temps avec ma famille, parce que je pense c’est plus important que l’argent. Je pourrais-être une romancière – ou je pourrais écrire pour la télévision. Je aimerai ecrire professionnellement.

Je voudrais faire du beaucoup des choses intéressant avant j’ai trente ans. Je voyagerai toute le monde et faire la connaissance de beaucoup des gens intéressant.

I suppose it's quite similar to my list of things I want to do, only more general. I keep meaning to update that list actually.

Chauve-Souris

Est-ce tu sais...?

Si je pourrais-être quelconque chose dans le monde qui vole, je serais une chauve-souris et abattrais sur tu.

Madhatter

This picture has been zooming around the internet faster than a nun at the Jesus Olympics. It is allegedy the first picture of Johnny Depp in Tim Burton's new Alice in Wonderland film.


Despite looking quite cool, and being Tim Burton's style - big hair, pale face etc. I think it's fake. Isn't it a bit early to have the character designs out already? Maybe not, but why is it so blurry? And why are there none of the other characters?

Looks suspiciously like a photoshopped Pirates of the Caribbean photo to me. Also, that orange bit on his hat looks suspiciously like Jack Sparrow's headband... hmmm... smells of photoshop... and ginger...

Do you think it's real? Do you like it? Do you care?

Two Films

Yesterday I watched Bridget Jones (the second one) and Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Two fantastic films - these are my favourite bits from each of them:



Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason



Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Political Compass

Following the advice of Narcissa Malfoy, I partook in the Political Compass questionnaire for the umpteenth time in my life.

The conclusion I get from this, is that I'm already getting more authoritarian as I get older. It's quite sad really, but to be honest I think it's because the older you get the more you realise that everone's a moronic twat who needs to be told what to do. Seriously.

Anyway, this is my political compass graph-type-thingy:

It is rather beautiful.

Go on then... get yours out! I don't want no godamn tories reading my blog!

Pretty Penguins

Penguin have just designed some new covers for their classics. Actually, it was a lady called Coralie Bickford-Smith. Obviously they're not going to be the default ones but I'm sure if you're very rich and a bit stupid you could buy these:I think I like the look of Wuthering Heights, Sense & Sensibility the best... maybe Dorian Gray. It's all good. The designs are individually based on a theme or image in each book, which makes them all very nice indeed!

Affirmation

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

(The song is by Savage Garden incase you didn't know.)

Annoying Cornflour

Voila!


Finished Essay – That’s right, another one bites the dust… and now it’s time to start an even more important one which is due in Janurary.

People – Some people on my course are really very lovely.

Sabrina – We’ve watched 4 episodes of Sabrina this morning, and I can’t believe how amazing that programme was… it’s bloody hilarious!


Annoyance – I’m hoping this will be irrelevant by the time this is posted, but I’m highly annoyed at the moment, and I’m expecting compensation.

Money – Christmas and two ‘holidays’ (pah!) in a month are taking their toll on my poor little bank account.

Corn Flour – I dropped a box of cornflour on my laptop and now the keys are filled with it… I keep getting dusty fingers.

Ventricle

Another highly scientific venn-diagram for you. Just something I have noticed.

Essay Time

Why don't you...

Hand in that essay?

...it's due in today!

And congratumalations to all the clever people who have handed in work recently! You all deserve a nice rest!

Necessary Windows

Thought it was time to do a wordier blog… because I felt like it…

I’m stressed out with my vest out*, and feel the need to cheer myself up because I'm all sad like but I’m not really sure how. This is odd.

Ok, I’m listening to Jump Around by House of Pain and I’ve noticed a 20% improvement, which is significant really. It's a fun song, with a cheeky hint of aggression. I came to get down, I came to get down, so get out of your seat and jump around.

So now I’ve decided that I intend this particular post to be some sort of blog homage to Virginia Woolf, even though she sucks harder than a monkey on a toffee. I’m the cream of the crop, I rise to the top. That is in the sense that it’s not so much got a plot, or even very much content, but it’s purely about the stream of thought and the present moment… enjoy the ride folks - that’s what Virginia Woolf says! Jump up, jump up and get down.

"I look through my window so bright, I see the stars come out tonight." Who uttered these immortal words? Was it: a) Virginia Woolf b) Iggy Pop? Of course it was Iggy Pop you fool of a crumpet! Any salty bugger will tell you that. The point, not that I seem to be making any, being that it could easily have been either. Virgina Woolf likes looking out windows. Cue venn-diagram:



That hasn't really cheered me up, but atleast we've all learnt something from this experience. Questions? Comments? STIs?

Just don’t give me shit… ‘cause I know that you’re full of it.

Word up.
Peace out.
Trousers down.

*As opposed to ‘chest’… that would be rude! And cold!

Facebook Graph

*Don't come bitching to me if it's innaccurate.

Overheard #6

Drunk man (running): "Dan's a vampire! He ate me! ...Dan I love you!"

Clothes Four Women

Four Men that Occasionally Wear Women's Clothing

1. Eddie Izzard
2. Noel Fielding
3. Stephen Fry
4. Jesus

Lady Lazarus

This is a little bit of a poem I am currently writing an essay on - 'Lady Lazarus' by Sylvia Plath. The full poem is here.

Je suis écrive un essai a l’égard de ‘Lady Lazarus’ par Sylvia Plath – voilà - un peu de l'poème. Le tout entier poème est ici.

"Ash, ash ---
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there----

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air"

-- Sylvia Plath

Phones & Wellies

Hey there... Where ya from? ...Come here often? ...Alrighty then...


Wellies - The season of the wellies is upon us... and it's a marvellous, puddle-splashingly-fun thing indeed.

Writing - Writing essays that is. Ok, so not writing essays, but specifically writing essays about things that I'm interested in. It's a novel thing to be able to write about something I like and actually have it count towards something. I'm currently writing an essay on 'Daddy' and 'Lady Lazarus' by Sylvia Plath. She's a fascinating lady.

On a similar writing vein, I'm very pleased with myself as my article was put in the student newspaper at my university. It's the most dreadfully boring article ever, but it's a start. Now I can start writing some decent stuff people might actually want to read!

Holiday Plans - Well, sort of. I haven't had a proper holiday for ages I realised the other day. That's what happens when everyone you love lives so far away. Nevertheless, I'm very excited and plan to visit people very soon!


Listing - That's right - writing lists. I've been listing a lot lately. It always seems to start happening at crazy times when I'd much rather be stabbing someone in the eye with my pencil than writing with it.

Phones - Keep breaking, and it's a bit rubbish.

Time - It's this time of the year that often gets forgotten - people are just waiting for Christmas and New Year so they forget to live in the present. I'm very guilty of this, mainly because I love Christmas, but I'll try and work on it this year, and have a happy November!

Dis Poetry

Dis poetry is like a riddim dat drops
De tongue fires a riddim dat shoots like shots
Dis poetry is designed fe rantin
Dance hall style, big mouth chanting,
Dis poetry nar put yu to sleep
Preaching follow me
Like yu is blind sheep,
Dis poetry is not Party Political
Not designed fe dose who are critical.
Dis poetry is wid me when I gu to me bed
It gets into me dreadlocks
It lingers around me head
Dis poetry goes wid me as I pedal me bike
I've tried Shakespeare, respect due dere
But did is de stuff I like.

Dis poetry is not afraid of going ina book
Still dis poetry need ears fe hear an eyes fe hav a look
Dis poetry is Verbal Riddim, no big words involved
An if I hav a problem de riddim gets it solved,
I've tried to be more romantic, it does nu good for me
So I tek a Reggae Riddim an build me poetry,
I could try be more personal
But you've heard it all before,
Pages of written words not needed
Brain has many words in store,
Yu could call dis poetry Dub Ranting
De tongue plays a beat
De body starts skanking,
Dis poetry is quick an childish
Dis poetry is fe de wise an foolish,
Anybody can do it fe free,
Dis poetry is fe yu an me,
Don't stretch yu imagination
Dis poetry is fe de good of de Nation,
Chant,
In de morning
I chant
In de night
I chant
In de darkness
An under de spotlight,
I pass thru University
I pass thru Sociology
An den I got a dread degree
In Dreadfull Ghettology.

Dis poetry stays wid me when I run or walk
An when I am talking to meself in poetry I talk,
Dis poetry is wid me,
Below me an above,
Dis poetry's from inside me
It goes to yu
WID LUV.

-- Benjamin Zephaniah

This man is a true genius. We need a lot more poets like him.

Double Meanings

I love: double meanings

I hate: people not getting them

Hot Biscuits

Here's a thought:

why do biscuits need to be dunked for less time the hotter the tea is?

Answers on a postcard - I need to know!

Voilà une pensée*:

pourquoi est-ce que les biscuits avoir besoin etre tremper pour moins de temps si le thé est chaud ?

J’ai besoin de savoir!

*I might be doing this from time to time to help my french. I don't really care if you find it annoying (then don't read it!) - but it's very helpful to me.

Leaves

"To the world you're one person..."

"...but to one person you're the world"

Overheard #5

Posh boy in tweed jacket to small group of people: "...and that's when I started wearing cravattes..."

Fraise Francaise

(Un petit peu de absurdites francais pour toi... j'ai mal à la tete...)

De temps en temps,
Je pense je suis Française.

Je pense je suis un fraise -
Mais je suis plutôt taise.

Ne faire pas du bruit
Tu seras traduit

Comme le langue,
Comme tu feras, sûrement.

Nous sommes multilingue tous -
Mais je ne suis pas.

Je suis un fraise.
Et je ne parle pas fraisecais.

Top 5 Stevie Wonder Songs

Stevie Wonder songs make me happy. I think Motown in general actually. They remind me of happy times from growing up.

Here, as promised, are my top 5 Stevie Wonder songs.

5. I Was Made To Love Her



I remember listening to this song driving to the beach with my mum. Loving the retro-ness of this video.

4. As



I just think it's a nice song. Cheese to the max! The covers don't really do it much justice. For such a well known song it's surprisingly illusive.

3. Superstition



The first 14 seconds or so are sometimes all you need to listen to - which is odd, but true. As seen here performed on Sesame Street which I thought was damn cool - check out the kid dancing like a maniac at 4:11.

2. Uptight (Everything's Alright)



I listened to this most days I walked to work when I was working 9-5. It made me happy and woke me up - good times. Apparently he's 15 in this video. Scary.

1. For Once In My Life



Reminds me of Ally McBeal for some reason... hmmm, Robert Downey Jr... anyway some people might say it's cheesey, but I don't think it's possible to not like an amazing song like this. Have some lyrics, because they're lovely...

For once in my life I have someone who needs me
Someone I've needed so long
For once, unafraid, I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know Ill be strong

For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of
Long before I knew
Someone warm like you
Would make my dreams come true

For once in my life I wont let sorrow hurt me
Not like it hurt me before
For once, I have something I know wont desert me
I'm not alone anymore

For once, I can say, this is mine, you cant take it
As long as I know I have love, I can make it
For once in my life, I have someone who needs me

Cold Obama Cheesecake

C-c-c-c-c-c-check it out, w-w-w-w-what's it all about? ...Thursday!

Obama - Woop!

Cheesecake - It's not quite the new pickles, but I have been wanting a lot of cheesecake for some reason. I also considered putting pickles on cheesecake... I still think that would be amazing, but I don't know if I want to ruin the dream, so I'll leave it. We've got a cheesecake in the fridge.

Fireworks - Kaboooooooooooooooom! They're all loud and pretty. We're going to a display on Saturday! How exciting!


Cold - Cold mornings, to be exact. They make it very difficult to get up in the mornings.

Junkies - Behave yourselves, or go away.

David Tennant - Leaving Dr Who... how could he do this to us?!

Bonfire Night

"Remember, remember the fifth of November,

Gunpowder, treason and plot.

I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot."

I love bonfire night. I'm always surprised that it's pretty much exclusively a British celebration, but then again why would any other countries care about our parliament getting smacked up like a bitch?

What are you doing this year? I'm working... sob... but it might be fun after all, who knows!

I like doing traditional and seasonal things (I always carve a pumpkin at halloween, I always make a gingerbread house at Christmas, I always do an easter egg hunt, etc...) I don't care what they're to do with, whether they're religious or whether they're about burning people alive - it's nice to get into the spirit of things and embrace the time of year. So, for Bonfire Night I've narrowed it down to making minestone soup, or setting George on fire.

5 Songs I Wouldn’t Mind Being Played At My Funeral For Comic Value

It's a bit of a theme in my family to have some sort of ridiculous song played at your funeral. I also thought Rock the Casbah would be a good one, or maybe I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts... hmmm...

1. Another One Bites The Dust – Queen



2. Ashes to Ashes – David Bowie



3. Jump Around – House Of Pain



4. Psycho Killer - Talking Heads



5. I'm Still Standing - Elton John

How To Be A Pedestrian

You would think people knew how to walk on a pavement, but apparently not so this has to be written.

· Do not walk in the cycle path. Whether you’re on a pavement which has a cycle path integrated into the middle of it, or whether you stupidly decide to walk on the cycle path at the side of the road: don’t do it. Are you a bike? Do you have wheels? Then get out of the fucking cycle lane before I run you over.

· Walk at the side of the path. It’s all very well to absently trundle along in the middle of the path if you’ve go nothing better to do, but some people do have things to do and need to get past you. Please walk to one side of the path, it makes it a lot easier for cyclists, and also for people who walk faster than you.

· Don’t walk in a row. I can accept that it would break your heart to be torn away from the side of your 16 friends for a few minutes, but if you would be so kind as to move to the side slightly when you see a bike coming along. You are not the Jackson 5, you don’t need to stand in a row.

· Don’t assume there’s a cycle path. There’s not always a cycle path. If there were cycle paths which didn’t involve risking limbs I’m sure they would be used more. Maybe if all the pedestrians weren’t scattered across the pavement and in the cycle path, there would be more room for bikes.

· Don’t smugly rev at cyclists as you zoom past. Yes, cars go faster than bikes. Well done for noticing that. It might be due to the environment-polluting engine you’ve got there.

· Don’t be offended when they use their bell. It’s not personal dear, you’re just in the way.

The Tale Of Starchy Archie, Your Potatoey Friend

Starchy Archie
Could not march he
Didn’t have any legs.
Instead he had some teaspoons
Which were attached with pegs.

He rolled around the kitchen floor
Until he was quite bruised,
And then he found some eggshells
Which he then wore as shoes.

He clip-clopped to the freezer
Where the ice-cubes helped him out -
They gave him chips for arms as he had
Politely declined the trout.

Now smelling like an omlette,
Archie hobbled without a care
And was thrilled to find some piles of dust
Which he fashioned as his hair.

Now if you ever see Archie,
Waddling past your feet,
Think of him as an inscentive
To keep your kitchen neat!

Hector

"Hector was the first of the gang with a gun in his hand, and the first to do time, the first of the gang to die... such a silly boy..."

The Raven

Happy Halloween! (If you're into that sort of thing)

I've got a lovely thing for you, it's Christopher Walken reading The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe. He reads it perfectly and I thought it's fitting with the festivities so why not! Have a listen, it's spookerific!



Nevermore.

Halloween Patrol

Only two today! To make a nice change... and also, I'm tired.



Work - My new job is tiring, but fun!

Halloween - Fun times!



Noisey Neighbours - Our neighbours keep playing really rubbish, really loud music!

Snow Patrol - Let's face it. They're just crap really, aren't they?

Stupid & Ugly Population

I’ve decided I much prefer living in the macrocosm of the world, as opposed to the microcosm of university. (Shock! I know, what a revelation – university isn’t the world in it’s entirety!) This is because of maths… I think… no I’m not going to do fat maths again, more like ugly and stupid maths.

My theory is, in comparison to the entire population of the world, I would like to think that I wasn’t unattractive or stupid. The rubbish bit occurs when you go to university, and against the entire population of your university (as a microcosm) you are not comparatively attractive, and are actually quite stupid. It’s all to do with percentages – and ages, actually.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t care. I never cared in the first place it’s just an observation, but I’ve realise that these people you see walking around university who look like they’ve just come from a photo shoot or something are actually very sad individuals: you can tell how much time they’ve spent on their appearance. Correct me if I'm wrong but I dont' think makeup is supposed to be a gauge of how much free time you have.

I must say I am jealous of them having enough free time to straighten their hair and apply foundation every bloody morning, but to be honest I’m anaemic and I cycle around 4 miles on a weekday – I could really do with the extra half an hour sleep. It’s enough of a struggle getting through the day and getting 60% of what I want to do done without fainting, falling over, or hitting someone – I shouldn’t have to look attractive whilst doing it.

We Real Cool

THE POOL PLAYERS.
SEVEN AT THE GOLDEN SHOVEL.

We real cool. We
Left school. We

Lurk late. We
Strike straight. We

Sing sin. We
Thin gin. We

Jazz June. We
Die soon.

-- Gwendolyn Brooks

Andrew Sachs

You may have heard about this...


Part 1


Part 2

Althought I'm not very fond of Jonathan Ross, and Russell Brand occasionally annoys me, I thought it was quite funny.

If you don't want to listen to it, as it is rather long, basically it's Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand calling Andrew Sachs (Manuel in Fawlty Towers) to see why he wasn't at their interview. It descends into a bizarre prank call where it is revealed that Russell Brand has slept with his granddaughter.

But don't worry, they make up for it by calling him back many times (once with a song), and Russell Brand asks "If [he] can marry - that's right MARRY... your granddaughter, 'Georgina the granddaughter'" with plans of a "Fawlty Towers themed wedding". He then screams, "I'm sorry! I'll do anything! I wore a condom!! Put the phone down!! Ahhhhhh!! Noooooo!! Look, I've got a mental illness..." I particularly liked the song.

I feel like I should be outraged, but it's too funny.

Beep Reverse Beep

Why don't you...

reverse around a corner?

...because no one ever does after they pass their test!

Happy Birthday Blog!

Hooray again! It's www.harharbonk.blogspot.com's birthday today! (Except it was yesterday but I haven't gone to sleep yet so it still counts... I've been very busy busy working working working!)

That's right it's been a whole year of ridiculousness and telling people things they didn't want to know or even need to know! Good times!

To commemorate this momentous occasion, I thought it would be nice to remind everyone how awesome I am. So here is my top 10 blog posts from the last year:

Wellies

How To Be Nice

Naa-Mez

How To Fly Long-Haul

The Ballard Of The Mallard

37

Top 10 Ambiguous Songs

Top 10 90s Songs

No Such Thing

Oh...!

I say that, but there may be other ones. These are the ones I can see from quickly looking through the titles, but I don't know. It's sort of like choosing a favourite mole, they're all pretty rubbish and ugly and might end up killing you one day. Bad analogy alert.

Any ideas what ones should be in the top 10? I may change my list.

Lazy

Why am I always so tired? Anaemia can’t possibly be the only cause.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just lazy. How is it that everyone else seems to be able to run around all day and get everything done but I’m just exhausted all the time?

Is it still called laziness if you’re about to faint?

300!

Hoorah! This is officially my 300th blog post! Woop! Woop!

I would like to pre-emptively thank you for your humbled congratulations for my awesomeness. Yes, I know, yet more proof that I need to get a hobby or something and stop pestering the internet.

I would do a list but it just so happens that there's a certain blog's birthday coming up veeery soon... woop again!

Quite Like

4 Songs You Might Not Know, But Might Quite Like

1. Lykke Li - Little Bit




2. Lightspeed Champion - Midnight Surprise




3. Vincent Vincent and the Villains - On My Own




4. These New Puritans - Elvis

Pickley Cobwebs

Thiiiings... can only get betterrrrr... can only get, can only get, can only get better! Now I've written a blooooog...

Pickles - Words can't describe how much I love pickles. It makes me want to cry how yummy they are. I'm currently mourning a sandwich which I just ate. Pickley goodness!

Writing - I wrote my first article for the student newspaper! It was very boring, but they told me what to write so I shall blame them. I am starting an article soon which will be about music or entertainment so that should be much more interesting!

Finished Essay - I finished a 3000 word essay on 'the fragmentation of self' in Jekyll and Hyde... and it's not completely rubbish. I showed my tutor and she said it looks promising. Hoorah! You'll always get praised for using the Oedipus complex as an example... but I think they're all just pervs to be honest.


Cobwebs - There's been a cobweb on my window for about a month now. It's on the outside, so how am I supposed to get rid of it?! Sorry, Spiders are not welcome... especially that weird bloke from Eastenders (or was it Corrie?)

Epilating - Bad times. I'm considering retiring.

Loan - I got my loan, which is a good thing, but now I have to pay it back, which I'd rather not do.