Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Move It Move It


As you may or may not know, I'm moving house over the next few days and won't have any internet to speak of! So I will see you all soon, remember don't do anything I wouldn't do... or anything I would do... hmmm... just sit there and be quiet until I get back, OK? OK.

Friday, 25 June 2010


'No one wants to look at ugly people.'

Thursday, 24 June 2010

Vampire Sunshine

Why don't you...

go out in the sunshine?

... ever seen a vampire with skin cancer? ... exactly.

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Cardboard Box

I love: packing
I hate: moving house

Monday, 21 June 2010

Literary Balls

I've just had (what I think is) a brilliant idea. But it might be shite. But who knows.

I shan't bore you with the details, because I'm not clear on them myself, but it's basically an idea for another novel/novella. To determine whether or not this particular idea is a massive load of balls I shall have to discuss this further with my literary adviser. Honk.

Sunday, 20 June 2010

Insatiable Whore

I suggest you head over to stuffnoonetoldme.blogspot.com and have a mosey at equally awesome illustrations and witticisms.


Dear Aspiring Musicians,

... this is how it is done.


The Beach Boys

Friday, 18 June 2010


This is ridiculous on so many levels. I was going to rant, but there's just too much idiocy that I don't think I'll bother.

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Just Ringo

Perfectly simple...


You know the phrase, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"? I think the second part to that adage has been omitted. What it should really be is, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... but then make sure no one's pissed in it before you drink it".

We're living in a den of thieves and it's contagious, as Regina Spektor would say. These days you can't trust anyone not to piss all over your well made and perfectly sweetened plans, and that includes yourself. Stay away from the fridge. It is not a toilet.

Then again, there's no point in making lemonade if you're not going to try it, whatever it may be diluted with. Chin, chin!

Wednesday, 16 June 2010


Les sentiments que j'ai envers la langue française sont, je pense, même pour les sentiments que certaines personnes ont pour tequila. J'ai eu trop d'un seul coup, et maintenant je me sens comme je l'ai eu assez pour un temps très long.

Et je peux me sentir à s'aggraver, tout le temps... comme des lésions cérébrales.

Monday, 14 June 2010

The Bechdel Test

You probably think of yourself as a person who knows a fair bit about films. You might even think of yourself as a 'film buff'. Well then, you're a massive misogynist! No, just kidding. Here's what I really want to talk about...

The Bechdel Test created by Alison Bechdel is a way of looking a film to see the female presence. Bear with me. Bechdel stated there were 3 questions she asks before she goes to see a film, and they are:
  1. Does it have more than 2 named female characters in it?
  2. ...That talk to each other?
  3. ... About something other than men?
If you watch the following video this lovely lady will show you a barrage of film posters of unexpected and modern films which do not pass this test.

Think of your top 5 films.


Ok, I'll do mine...

1. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes: Pass - barely, they occasionally talk about ettiquette and money.
2. Annie Hall: Fail - what could you expect from Woody Allen, I mean really, the man married his step daughter.
3. The Graduate: Fail - It's ruddy 'Ben' this and 'Ben' that.
4. Withnail & I: Fail - I don't think there's a single female character, named or unnamed except for the lady in the tea shop.
5. High Fidelity: Fail - two named women, but they don't talk to each other.

So that's a massive fail on a massive scale, then. Yup, yup.

Before you think I'm annoying. The point, as the lady in the video explains, is not that women should take over the world. Passing the test is not a sign whether or not it is a feminist film or a good film. It just determines whether or not there is a female presence, and one which is not seen in reference to men.

It's not a small amount of films, it's the majority of films that I can think of. It's really quite shocking just to see how male orientated the film industry is, and this is something which I will definitely be looking out for.

Sunday, 13 June 2010


‘Signs’ is a really awful film. Mel Gibson makes me want to eat my own face... in a bad way.

Does Mel Gibson hate Jews, or did I just make that up? Maybe he’s Jewish. Maybe He’s masochistic and Jewish, that would explain both. I don’t find him attractive or charming, so that’s persuasive evidence that he’s definitely not Jewish. Also, I just looked it up on ‘Jew Or Not Jew.com’, a website I find myself spending increasing amounts of time on lately. He's not. Quite the opposite, it would seem...

Usually on ‘Jew Or Not Jew.com’ it has the person’s name, then has a few paragraphs explaining them and their relation to the religion, etc. Sometimes it’s complicated, sometimes people have weird parentage or took up Judaism or are too lazy to practice, or are not Jewish but just really love bagels. On Mel Gibson’s page, it just says a massive, emphatic, ‘NO’. So… he’s not, then? Ok.

Someone once told me that a glass of water is known as a ‘Jewish cocktail’. It was probably Mel Gibson actually, thinking about it. Twat. That’s pretty harsh though – just water? Where’s the orange squash at least? And yes, of course you can make orange squash in a cocktail shaker… the real question is why wouldn’t you?

How To Make Perfect Cookie Dough

I don't like to toot my own horn, but I'm fucking amazing. I've recently discovered the perfect cookie dough recipe. But - the genius is in fact not just in how scrummy the cookies are, but the fact that this dough has no egg in it, and so is not only suitable for vegans and pregnant ladies, but it also means that it doesn't need to be cooked. This opens up a whole word of deliciously cellulite producing opportunities...

This cookie dough can be made in bulk, and kept in the freezer if you like. Then you can make cookies quickly whenever you want to, or you can use it in any of the following ways:

  • Mixed in with ice cream
  • Used as icing ontop of chocolate chip cupcakes
  • Adding to a fudge recipe and making 'Cookie Dough Fudge'
  • Baked in a springform tin and used as a cheesecake base
  • Unbaked and spread ontop of a cheesecake instead of a topping
  • Added to a 'Rocky Road' mixture
Here's the recipe:

165g margarine (salted)
75g caster sugar
4 tbsp golden syrup
3 tbsp (ish) milk
1 tsp vanilla extract
260g plain flour
1 1/2 tsp bicarbonate of soda
100g (ish) of chocolate chips

  1. Put oven on 200 Celsius (ish).
  2. Add mix marg and sugar until fluffy. You will need an electric mixer/whisk for this.
  3. Add and mix the syrup, milk and vanilla with the electric mixer also.
  4. Add the flour, bicarb and chocolate chips and mix by hand.
  5. Make into teaspoon sized balls and place on baking tray in the middle of the oven. After 10 minutes keep and eye on them until they look done.
Easy, peasy! I'm liking the sound of that cookie dough fudge... that may be next on my agenda...

Saturday, 12 June 2010

Friday, 11 June 2010

The Good Life

I've been watching The Good Life all day. No, not literally, I've been packing (!) and cleaning whilst watching The Good Life... I have been slightly more productive than a mushroom today.

I love love love The Good Life. This and Bewitched are two programmes I will watch over and over, whether I've seen them before or not.


Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Fluffy Little Beak Man

I don't know what the fuck this is, but it's the best thing I've ever seen and I want one.

Monday, 7 June 2010

Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Ooooo...

I watched 'The Breakfast Club' 3 times in a row the other night. Don’t ask. What I gained from this was much more of an understanding about the film than I had before.

I used to think it was a good film, but it was a shame some of the characters were dickheads, and it was a shame that the freaky girl got a makeover and become generic.

The film is not about the characters changing who they are, and it’s not about them finding their correct label. It’s not about ‘being comfortable with who they are’ because that would involve a definition, and because they’re teenagers and they don’t know who they are yet.

It’s about the intense self-loathing that is innate in everyone. The idea that life is easy for everyone else, but for you it’s a struggle because you’re fundamentally shit. If this secret is revealed then your whole world will explode. This is a fantastic theme for a film, because it’s a subject rarely spoken about, and in fact it is not spoken about in the film, but alluded to.

What the characters of ‘The Breakfast Club’ discover is that everyone is scared, and hates themselves. No one knows who ‘they are’, and everyone is just trying to get on with their lives as best they can. If everyone tried harder to understand other people, then there would be much less conflict. Unrealistic expectations and stereotypes are destructive, and these are the two problems that specifically affect teenagers, but continue into adulthood.

These are interesting concepts, and dissecting them more gave me even more love for this film than ever. Awesome.

Heroes By Nico

So wrong it's right, and so right it's wrong.

Sunday, 6 June 2010

Legally Blonde Ponderings

I just watched Legally Blonde. For probably the billionth time. That's a more or less accurate estimate.

Piss off, it was on television, and I was about to go to bed when I got lured in. Damn you Elle Woods and your hypnotically shiny hair! I love this film, despite the fact that it's more chicky and flicky than someone actually flicking a chick whilst watching Pretty Woman. Aww... I feel bad for the hypothetical chick now. He's free-range - there - I feel a bit better now.

For those of you unacquainted with the film, please believe me when I say it is not lacking in plot nor intelligence. The fact that it's sprinkled with pink and glitter does not detract from the very funny and clever film. Yes, I had to ignore many, many gender stereotypes, but if I can suspend my belief for Harry Potter and shit like that, I can do it for this film too. The character of Elle is able to find the balance of ditsy blonde and intelligent law student, and she is quite adorable.

This is the gist of it:
  1. Elle's boyfriend breaks up with her because he wants to be a senator and "he needs to marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn". He goes to Harvard Law. She decides to get into Harvard Law too so her boyfriend will think she's sensible and clever.
  2. Elle already gets good grades, but has to pass a law exam. She achieves this after an intense studying montage, and gets in due to her grades, passing the exam, and the fact that she's wearing a bikini in her application video.
  3. When she gets to Harvard, everyone is mean to her. She finds out her ex-boyfriend got engaged to a plain girl (who also goes to Harvard) over the summer. After much taunting from this girl, and being disregarded as stupid by her ex-boyfriend, she realises she will never be good enough for him and decides to become top of her class to show them how smart she can be.
  4. After the second studying montage of the film, Elle becomes top of her class and gets an internship along with her ex-boyfriend and his fiance with one of their professor's law firms.
  5. She demonstrates her character and intelligence many times whilst assisting on a murder trial for a woman accused of killing her husband. The woman on trial happens to have been in the same sorority as Elle, and are friends.
  6. Elle's professor who she is working for hits on her, and Elle quits the case. When the woman on trial hears about this, she fires the professor and hires Elle.
  7. Elle wins the case, and lives happily ever after as demonstrated below:

  8. Elle graduates top of her class, becomes best-friends with her ex-boyfriend's now ex-fiance, and is proposed to by the partner of her professor's law firm. They all live blondily ever after. The dog wears a pink jacket. Hooray.
Awesome. Anyway, here are a few things I did not like about the film...
  • The fact that she cares whether her massive shitbag of a boyfriend likes her or not until pretty much halfway through the film.
  • She gets into Harvard, ultimately, because she wears a bikini in her application video.
  • There's too many women exercising. It makes me feel lazy and pervy.
  • The suggestion that montages achieve everything and anything.
  • How mean all the law students are to her because she's blonde and wears pink. They would not be that rude to her, and at least not to her face. They're intelligent, open-minded people - law students aren't allowed to discriminate!
  • 3 people get engaged in this film. It's not four weddings and a bloody funeral! The fact that even at the end when Elle graduates top of Harvard motherlicking Law, she is still not seen as having a fully happy ending until she's married off to a guy with stupid hair.
  • On that note: I'm sorry, but a 6 carats? That's obscene.
  • All men, except the 'nice guy' she ends up with are mean bastards.
  • She is depicted as clearly very intelligent, yet the way she wins the case seems to be a fortunate accident.
Basically, my overall thinking about the film is that it's good if I can ignore the fact that I'm a feminist for an hour and a bit. This is totally doable, because it's ultimately a very fun film to watch, but that doesn't mean that it's for everybody.

Thursday, 3 June 2010


Very nicely done, I think.