Saturday, 28 February 2009

Four Things I Do When I'm Bored Of Writing
  1. See how long I can hold a pen between my nose and my lips
  2. Sellotape my fingers together and pretend to be a crab
  3. Integrate rude words into sentences and then remove them again
  4. Doodle snails/owls/ - owls raping/carrying snails

Rap It Up

This is fantastic... and also this.

Friday, 27 February 2009

Le Singe Culotté

Il y a un petit singe,
Sur ton tête,
Depuis trois jours, alors,

Il semble chouette

Mais un peu arrogant...

Car il jette son merde

À ta mere

Quand elle n’regarde pas.

There is a little monkey,
On your head
For three days, now,
He seems cool
But a little arrogant...
Because he throws his shit
At your mum
When she's not looking...

Words cannot express the joy I felt when I saw that picture of a monkey hugging a pigeon. Life doesn't get much better than that.


Let me take some time to tell you about a very important feature of my life. It tells me where and when I am, everything that's going on in the world, what I have to do today and in the next week, and also it's pretty.

Oh yes, it is my wonderful Google homepage which I have recently pimped out.

The design is by Anna Sui if anyone's interested... I think it's pretty, it changes depending on the time. The 'To Do' list is far superior to the shitty little Notepad file I kept on my desktop with everything I had to do on it.

To anyone who hasn't made their own homepage, I recommend it because it's very useful indeed, even if you only use Google Reader which has saved me hours of my life which would have otherwise been spend reading shit articles and checking if blogs have been updated.

This, coupled with my highly organised Bookmarks, means I shall have a truly organised internet experience. Huzzah!

Thursday, 26 February 2009

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Touch of Evil

If you have a spare 3 minutes and 30 seconds, have a ganders at this opening sequence from Orson Welles' 1958 film 'Touch of Evil'. When I say sequence, I actually mean 'shot', because this whole thing was done in one go on a crane. Might not seem so cool now, but it was the first of it's kind.

Let's ignore what a sleazebag Clark Gable is.

I'm loving Orson Welles at the moment. The man was a genius.

Tuesday, 24 February 2009


Having been asked what I was given up for lent, I decided that biscuits were the obvious choice.

Then I realised that I didn't want to give up biscuits... I like eating biscuits, why would I do that? Because Jesus says so?! Screw Jesus!!

Someone get me a custard cream.

Monday, 23 February 2009

Animal Magnetism

Pushing down the hill or holding hands?

Sunday, 22 February 2009

Saturday, 21 February 2009

5 Songs Obviously Written By Men

Last Request – Paolo Nutini

"Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,
But one last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me"

Basically, he’s saying: “Yeah, I know we’re not going out anymore… but how about one more shag?”

99 Problems – Jay Z

"If you having girl troubles
I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one"

A 'bitch' ain’t one? I don't care if that's what it means or not - it's the use of language I don't like. Still a bitchin' song though. Bitch.

Lady Madonna – The Beatles

"Lady Madonna, children at your feet
Wonder how you manage to make ends meet
Who find the money when you pay the rent
Did you think that money was heaven sent?"

Yes, women are amazing… it’s called multi-tasking, dear... and another thing: where are these children's fathers? I think the CSA needs to get in there.

Just Like A Woman – Bob Dylan

"You fake just like a woman, yes, you do
You make love just like a woman, yes you do
Then you ache just like a woman
But you break just like a little girl"

Leave Edie the fuck alone, you self-righteous, chauvinist bastard.

The Girls – Calvin Harris

"I get all the girls, I get all the girls
I get all the girls, I get all the girls"

I think your luck with the ladies seems to stem from the fact that you don't seem particularly fussy.

Friday, 20 February 2009

Sing Sing Wobble Wobble

I like this.

Aside from liking the song (yeah... Take That were good - admit it and get over it) I like the thought of Coldplay fans who went to the concert thinking they were really cool being forced to watch Gary Barlow wobbling around the stage.

Harhar - now you're uncool because you sung along to a Take That song... and enjoyed it!!

Thursday, 19 February 2009

Doing The Reading Would Be A Start

I love: going to university.

I hate: going to university.

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Rotund Crack

In a Shakespeare lecture today I learnt very little about Shakespeare's wonderful play King Lear, but actually quite a lot about fantastically high immaturity level of the people on my course. For instance, give this piece of text to them from Act 3 Scene II...

"Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow!
You cataracts and hurricanoes, spout
Till you have drench'd our steeples, drown'd the cocks!
You sulphurous and thought-executing fires,
Vaunt-couriers to oak-cleaving thunderbolts,
Singe my white head! And thou, all-shaking thunder,
Smite flat the thick rotundity o' the world!
Crack nature's moulds, an germens spill at once,
That make ingrateful man!"

... and when asked by the lecturer to shout out the most prominent words, which do you think they chose?

"Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow!
You cataracts and hurricanoes, spout
Till you have drench'd our steeples, drown'd the cocks!
You sulphurous and thought-executing fires,
Vaunt-couriers to oak-cleaving thunderbolts,
Singe my white head! And thou, all-shaking thunder,
Smite flat the thick rotundity o' the world!
Crack nature's moulds, an germens spill at once,
That make ingrateful man!"

Alright, so 'rotundity' isn't necessarily a rude word.

ro·tund (r-tnd)
1. Rounded in figure; plump. See Synonyms at fat.
2. Having a full, rich sound; sonorous.

'Cleaving' isn't rude either, really... although it does sound a bit like cleavage... OI OI!
Yes, this is what I have learnt today: give students the opportunity to shout out the word 'crack' and they will, most of the time, seize it.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

99 Problems

Which version do you prefer?

This is the Grey Album version which I think it pretty cool. It's a mash-up of Jay-Z's Black Album and The Beatles' White Album. Some may say sacrilege... I say as long as it's done well, why not!

I wish they'd made him say 'bitch'.

Best Pun Ever

Sunday, 15 February 2009

Swings & Roundabouts

4 Words That Sound Quite Stupid In An English Accent
  1. Jackass
  2. Crème Fraîche
  3. Bonza
  4. Asshole

4 Words That Sound Infinitely Better In An English Accent
  1. Piss
  2. Juggernaut
  3. Roundabout
  4. Bastard

Saturday, 14 February 2009

Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day is one of the most ridiculous days on the calendar. Aside from the marketing aspect, the most ridiculous thing is the specific focus on romantic love. Valentine’s Day would be less of a farce if it were a more general concept, which celebrated all forms of love. What about family love? Or the love of friends? Or my obsessive love of David Bowie? It would be refreshing to appreciate love that is not conventional.

The phrase ‘other half’ to describe a partner is, I think, destructive to our own concept of who we are. You are you: you are not half of you waiting for someone to come along and make you whole. Being in a relationship does not suddenly make your life all glitter and pickles. To anyone that feels they need to be completed by another human being, it seems it would be wise to fill that space with some self-confidence and dignity first, and not another similarly clueless person.

Refrain from buying flowers this year – they are awfully predictable, and there's nothing quite like chocolates and perfume to tell someone: "You're fat and you smell like shit." In fact, buying is not necessary at all. The less that is spent, the better: make them a card, write them a brooding sonnet, make a life-sized model of them out of papier-mache, send one of their eyelashes into space, choreograph a croissant mime routine… or make them a cup of tea. Anything that you feel adequately expresses your love for that person, thing or place. After all, Valentine’s Day is about love, not money… isn’t it?

This year, at the very least, I would like to see a Valentine’s Day in which I didn’t have to witness the two opposing clichéd camps of ‘smug couples’ and ‘bitter singles’. Although actually, I'll be on an aeroplane for Valentine's Day, so I won't have to witness the forcibly sentimental monstrosity that is the 14th of February.

For those of you that have to face reality... good luck, I suppose... and get working on those mime routines.

Friday, 13 February 2009

10 Not-Love Songs

These songs are not love songs. They are 'Not-Love' songs.

1. Love Will Tear Us Apart – Joy Division

2. Love Is The Drug – Roxy Music

3. Dreaming Of You – The Coral

4. China Girl – David Bowie

5. Perfect Day – Lou Reed

6. Last Request – Paolo Nutini

7. The One I Love – R.E.M.

8. Lovefool - The Cardigans

9. There Is A Light That Never Goes Out – The Smiths

10. Shiver – Coldplay

No, I didn't mention The Police. Far too obvious and boring.

Also, that's got to be the shittest version of Perfect Day I've ever heard... what was he off his face that day? ... Oh... probably... nevermind then.

Thursday, 12 February 2009

Family Affair

Sometimes it takes an outsider to make you realise what your family is like. I'm currently living with a lot of my family, and a few friends which are considered as family. One of our friends who has been living with us has his girlfriend staying over at the moment, and she came round last night to meet 'the family'. Scary stuff.

As she walked through the door at around 8pm, my cousin was trying to put her toe up my nose when I wasn't looking. My dad and uncle were well on their way to being shitfaced on Peroni. My other cousin and brother were playing Grand Theft Auto. My 70 year old aunt was throwing clothes out of her bag, swearing, and jumping on it in an attempt to fit everything in, before my mum reminded her that there was a china tea set in there. Everyone else was making or drinking tea.

The second she sat down she looked truly terrified. Quite rightly too, but we're all very nice really. My cousin tried on her shoes, tea was promptly offered, and everyone commented on how pretty she was. My aunt demanded I showed her all the dresses I'd bought today and guess the prices individually, "BARGAINS, BARGAINS, BARGAINS!" she screamed with bargainous excitement. My cousin was already convincing the poor girl's boyfriend to buy her a Tiffany engagement ring, but this was good because it diverted attention from my dad's disgusting comments about a woman on TV.

The dogs, who are very friendly, were excited to meet her and kept jumping on her. She didn't seem to mind which is a good sign.

Then an argument began, I can't remember what it was about but at some point someone called someone else a "rude piece of shit" and two people stormed off. My aunt instructed the girl to never have children. This would have been OK, I suppose, if it were a little less enthusiastic, but as it was, it seemed very sincere and ended in her comparing her children to dogs.

Someone in the kitchen began crying for some reason not related to the argument. I told everyone to shut up because House was on, and my mum joined me in openly perving on Hugh Laurie. She'd had three glasses of wine, I'd had three cups of tea.

Another, unrelated argument began somewhere else but I, as usual, tuned it out and watched House. It was something to do with the calendar. My brother loudly told everyone that my cousin had just shat himself, which caused another argument to begin as to why my cousin was still awake this time on a school night.

My uncle returned from the airport, having left his passport (how stupid can you get) in his bedroom. Hilarity ensued.

My cousin saw an advert for a 'Baby Jingles' in a magazine, and decided she was going to buy me one. I told her I was going to buy her a PedEgg, but decided it was too expensive and I'd just get her a cheese grater. She resumed attempting to put her toes up my nose and in my ears, so I kicked her in the face... by mistake?

To add to the mayhem, English is her third language. Poor girl. She at least left with everyone thinking she was a very nice (if quiet) girl.

I think what I can conclude from this is that I love my family. To spend this much time with them and not kill them all, I really must.

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Amour et Langue

Francais est le langue d’amour… malgré les verbes, naturellement, alors…
French is the language of love... apart from verbs, of course, so...

Je t’aime parce que tu me comprends.

Je t’aime parce que tu est ma famille.

Je t’aime parce que je devoir.

Je t’aime parce que tu as un visage joli.

Je t’aime parce que tu es un écoeurant caprice de la nature.

Je t’aime parce que tu as un esprit large.

Je t’aime parce que tu as un connaissance particulier.

Je t’aime parce que tu me fais le thé.

Je t’aime parce que tu ne soucie pas et il me rends calme.

Je t’aime parce que tu dis que je voudrais.

Je t’aime parce que tu as pris le temps traduire ceci.

Qu'est-ce que lequel concerne-tu?
Which one applies to you?

Monday, 9 February 2009

Overheard #10

Very drunk man: I wish I had a big willy. I SO wish I had a big willy!!

Sunday, 8 February 2009

Electric Buzzsaw

You may have noticed that I've added a new blog to my blogroll (that word sounds far too much like 'bogroll') gypsies, tramps & thieves section. It's Khyan's blog - 'ave a read, because he's an awfully clever and funny chap.

Saturday, 7 February 2009

Pretty Plane

I was on an aeroplane a few hours ago. I hate flying but it's a necessary evil, and sometimes good things do come out of it, I suppose. For example, some people can sleep on planes. I can sleep but it's not quality sleep when you're being woken up by the fat Chinese woman sat next to you howling like freaking Ginsberg at the film she's watching. There's a lot of people who obviously don't travel much that don't understand/ignore the courteous rules of flying. Particularly in economy... shuddersome, truly shuddersome.

Today I saw something very pretty. Just as we were beginning to land in the aeroplane, out of my window the sky was dark blue and you could see all the stars and the moon was really white and bright. Out of the window on the other side of the plane, there was a lovely orange and yellow sunset/sunrise. It was beautiful. I'm not sure which it was because to be honest I haven't known what the time was for the last 24 hours.

I do know that right now is time to go to bed, however.

I also know that Ginsberg didn't literally howl.

Thursday, 5 February 2009

Swallowed In The Sea

You cut me down a tree and brought it back to me
And that's what made me see where I was going wrong.
You put me on a shelf and kept me for yourself,
I can only blame myself, you can only blame me.

And I could write a song a hundred miles long,
Well that's where I belong and you belong with me.
And I could write it down or spread it all around,
Get lost and then get found or swallowed in the sea

You put me on a line and hung me out to dry,
Darling, that's when I decide to go see you
You cut me down to size and opened up my eyes
Made me realize what I could not see.

And I could write a book, the one they'll say that shook the world
And then it took, it took it back from me
And I could write it down or spread it all around,
Get lost and then get found and you'll come back to me
Not swallowed in the sea.

And I could write a song a hundred miles long,
Well, that's where I belong and you belong with me.
The streets you’re walking on, a thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong and you belong with me.

Oh, what good is it to live with nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive, not loving all you see.
Oh, the streets you’re walking on a thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong and you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea.

You belong with me, not swallowed in the sea
Yeah, you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea.

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

25 Things

All the cool kids are doing it, so why not! I'm not putting my version on facebook though. I think it's more suited here.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. My Granddad died yesterday, and I’m very sad, scared and worried.
2. When I cry my eyes go really puffy and I hate it.
3. I think anyone who does these ‘tell me 25 facts’ thingies must be a tad narcissistic… and I’m fine with that. We all are.
4. I like it when George sings along to the radio without realising… George likes beans on toast.
5. I like beans on toast and singing along to the radio.
6. I have better things to do than housework, but I feel very uncomfortable in a messy house so it’s always a priority. I also think that if you put a coat/shoes/bag on a bed, you might as well just shit all over it.
7. I sometimes think that it’s a shame I’m not gay.
8. When Fergus isn’t here I feel like I’ve got no kidneys. It makes me stupid and wobbly, and it’s easy to hide that they’re missing but I know they’re not there. They’re very important to me functioning on a daily basis as a human being.
9. I don’t know how comparatively clever I am, but it’s clever enough for me. I'd rather be stupid and friendly than a smart-arse no one likes.
10. I put a lot of importance on how things smell.
11. I used to not bother with trousers at home, but now… pyjama trews FTW.!
12. I don’t like a specific variety of flying insect, or any related paraphernalia including Crunchies.
13. I’m very worried I’ll go back to how I used to be.
14. I hate how elitist music/literature can be.
15. Certain songs/books mean a lot to me. I don’t want to know what they mean to you – don’t taint the sentiment.
16. I have several names I think I would like to call my children, but I will never tell anyone because I’m terrified they will steal the names for their own!
17. Having said that… I have more names planned for pets than I do for children.
18. I disagree with myself from one day to the next.
19. Exercise scares me for many reasons.
20. I’m proud of my family, and that includes my friends.
21. I’m not scared of failure because I know there’s no such thing – just limited options.
22. I find very few people under the age of 30 attractive… and it worries me that actually, I could easily make that number 40.
23. A pet hate of mine is when people misuse the word ‘ambivalent’ as a substitute for ‘apathetic’. It happens more than you’d think!
24. When I went to New York I stayed in the building which was next door to Andy Warhol’s Factory. It bugs me so much that I didn’t get a proper look at it because I didn’t know at the time, and so now I have to go back to New York… if only to stare at the brick wall and say “Hmmm… so this is where it was. Nice.”
25. Ambition is overrated. Be happy.

Tuesday, 3 February 2009


I love Luther Vandross, but watching the video I posted of him yesterday made me wonder why no one has said this before: Luther Vandross was gay. There. It's been said. Not just gay, actually, but really rather camp!

It had never crossed my mind before but maybe that's because I'd never seen him in a video before. I don't claim to have an fine-tuned gaydar, but this man is so camp it sets off our smoke alarm. Ssssmokey gay!

This makes me like him even more, and even more sad that he's dead because he really was a living legend. Now I suppose he's just a legend. Sad times.

Lionel Richie can piss off... the straight/alive dickhead*.

*If Lionel Richie dies/comes out as gay then I retract this statement.

Monday, 2 February 2009

Top 10 Songs I Remember From My Childhood

Yes, I remember them. No, I’m not necessarily proud of this fact. The reason for most of these songs is my Dad, who played so many old and different types of songs when I was growing up… I think he went through as many phases as I do now, actually.

1. It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over – Lenny Kravitz

I don't know why this song means so much to me, but it does. I blame my Dad.

2. The River Of Dreams – Billy Joel

Well they won't let me embed it, but I'm sure if you care you'll have a look.

3. Tender – Blur

I used to like this song, we walked into assembly to it at school and I only found out it was Blur years later.

4. Rotterdam - The Beautiful South

My mum loves this song.

5. Don’t Dream It’s Over – Crowded House

Just a lovely song, not sure why I remember it so much.

6. The Love You Save – Jackson 5

Wise words from the freaky bros!

7. Higher and Higher – Jackie Wilson

Umm, nothing actually happens in the video, but the song's still there!

8. You Make Loving Fun/Rhiannon – Fleetwood Mac

Everyone loves the Mac.

9. Town Called Malice – The Jam

"Stop dreaming of the quiet life, 'cause it's the one we'll never know"

10. Never Too Much - Luther Vandross

Love a bit of Luther. This song, rather embarrassingly reminds me in a big way of driving about in the car with my Dad. Pretty cringe-worthy video too... cheeserific!

There we are... now you all know what awful taste in music my parents have!

Sunday, 1 February 2009


Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip - Fixed

"Most of these kids could get their guns out and kill me, but how many got the skill to inspire and thrill me? ...I got a holster... I keep biscuits in it!"