Sunday, 31 August 2008

Karl Lagerfeld

Karl Lagerfeld is hilarious. I would like to share the fantasticness.

“I have no problem with journalists – many are friends,” he says. “Only if they are really stupid, or if they’ve got bad breath, or if they smell. Yesterday I had a problem. I said, ‘I’m sorry, you’ve got to tell this woman that she needs to be taken away. Her smell is not possible.’ ”

Saturday, 30 August 2008

Mary Shelley

Hey Mary Shelley, it’s your birthday, we’re going to party like it’s your birthday!

Incase you hadn’t noticed, it’s Mary Shelley’s birthday today… well, it would be if she wasn’t very much deceased. She would have been 211 today (I think), which is pretty darn old, really.

I found this graffiti on flickr and thought it was cool, and because there aren't enough pictures of this Shelley bird around I shall use it instead.

Mary Shelley a.k.a Mary Wollstonecraft Godwin.

Was born on 30th August (that’s today!) 1797 (that’s not today).

She was born in Somer Town, London. Her mother died 10 days after Mary was born.

She was a writer, most famous for writing ‘Frankenstein’, though she also wrote several other novels and did some travel writing. She also married Shelley... as in ‘the’ Shelley, and her parents were William Godwin and Mary Wollstonecraft, so you know she’s got to be pretty cool.

Friday, 29 August 2008

How To Be A Superhero

Well, I say superhero… what I mean is how to save the planet… but in a fun way! Superhero sounded better. Sorry if you feel mislead… Muahahaha!

Honestly walking can be fun! I love walking! You get to listen to nice music, look at nice things, and look at people’s faces in a shifty way as you walk past them… well maybe not that last one, but sometimes it’s nice to smile at people and in a way that’s saving the planet too because it’s making people happy.

It’s like uber-recycling! Some things on there are a bit dodgy… who would request second-hand bedding? That’s just wrong. Other things are great, just stuff that people don’t want anymore but are too nice to throw away... now please provide us with a sofa!

Plant Pretty Flowers
They make oxygen, which is handy because we need that to breathe apparently.

Use Candles
I actually don’t know if they’re any more energy efficient than lightbulbs… maybe, whatever, they look nice. Don’t set anyone on fire.

Adopt Vegetarian Tendencies
If you’re not wavering on vegetarian already, don’t try and be vegetarian. It’s unnecessary to force yourself and you’ll only give up after a while. Though it has been proven that vegetarianism is better for the environment. Think about it – crops full of oxygen-producing vegetables and grains V.S. fields full of stinky, stinky, animals?

There we go, fun ways to be eco-friendly! You already knew them, but I do these ones so hooray for me!

Thursday, 28 August 2008

Animals Neigh

Yays and Nays returns...with a vague animal theme this week. I didn't notice it until after, but there we go.
Yays - Being happy and having things which make you say 'Yays' is enough to make me say 'Yays!'

Zoo - We went to the zoo the other day! It was amazing! It was like being a kid again only I was more able to appreciate and understand it all! Woop! Loved the tiger and the giraffes... oh, and the little monkeys! Oh and the lemurs too!

- I've just written a fair bit of an essay today. Not my essay, but an essay none the less. I'm glad to say I survived it without my brain exploding having not written one for about 2 years, and I am also glad to say that I can still write a load of rubbish that makes very little sense.
Neighs - I don't really like horses. Never been a horsey person. Don't judge me, I'm not Camilla Shitting Parker Bastard Bowles!

Lady Times - Each one more excruciating than the last.

Rain in August - It's not big, it's not clever, and it certainly isn't seasonal!

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Obento Ga Sukidesu

I love: This picture...

I hate: eggs!

Merry Unbirthday

Why don't you...
celebrate your unbirthday?

If it's not your birthday today, that is.

I like this picture because it's grammatically correct. The very best kind of graffiti, I'd say!

Tuesday, 26 August 2008


I love: learning

I hate:
learning that the world is soon to be destroyed by an asteroid... cripes.

Monday, 25 August 2008

Elvis Costello

He’s been on tenterhooks, ending in dirty looks, listening to the muzak thinking ‘bout this and that, but today… it’s his birthday! By the way, he’s 54 if I’ve done my maths correctly (so probably not).

Declan Patrick MacManus a.k.a Elvis Costello.

He was born on the 25th of August 1954. Which is cool, because he’s 54 and he was born in ’54… I think that’s cool anyway. He was mostly around and about in the 70s and 80s, but I’m pretty sure he’s still live and bitchin’.

He was born in Paddington, London and then went all over the shop.

He started his band ‘The Attractions’ in the 70s, shagged Bebe Buell (who didn’t?!), and produced several very cool albums, including The Special’s first album. For some reason he also apparently appeared in ‘Two and a Half Men’ in 2004 if you’re interested. Oh, and he’s got cool ankles, and if you don’t believe me, watch this video:

Sunday, 24 August 2008

10 Songs That Are Far Too Sentimental To Be Taken Seriously

Another lovely list for you all, because I've been noticably more annoyed by sentimental songs lately. This time in ascending order, just to confuse, are my top 10 songs that are far too sentimental to be taken seriously... but that's not to say that I don't like them... except some of them I don't.

  1. She – Elvis Costello

Don’t get me wrong, I love this song, but really do men think that way? Call me sceptical but I think whoever it was that wrote this was quite high.

  1. Truly Madly Deeply – Savage Garden

Ridiculously idealised hyperbole that I can just about stomach as a nice song, so long as I don’t think about the lyrics too much.

  1. Nobody Does It Better – Carly Simon

Because we all know James Bond’s a dickhead.

  1. Hey There Delilah – Plain White Tees

Oh, poor you, you’re in New York and you’re in a famous band. Let’s write a song about how depressing it is. I’m going to try and not put too many emo songs on this list, because otherwise it would all be floppy-fringed attention-seeking skinny little bastards everywhere, and I’d like to save the room for some real music.

  1. Fix You – Coldplay

If there was a line of over-sentimentality Coldplay would be constantly teetering on it. ‘Fix You’ shamelessly bounded over that line so blatantly I’m surprised the video wasn’t of crying cats with no legs.

(Song by Coldplay that are lovely and sentimental, but not overly so: ‘Til Kingdom Come’ ‘Yellow’ ‘The Scientist’ ‘Swallowed In The Sea.’)

  1. Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol

I hated this song when it first came out, and I’ll hate it until I’m adequately convinced it’s not a pile of over-played whingey-mingey emo balls.

  1. Careless Whisper – George Michael

Points for good use of a saxophone, it’s a damn good song, but it’s sort of been over-done. Reminds me of having to slow-dance with my uncle at family weddings.

  1. Nothing Compares 2 U

The amount of times I’ve seen that ruddy bald woman crying into a camera…

  1. I Just Called To Say I Love You – Stevie Wonder

“Sentimental tacky crap” is how it was described in High Fidelity, and I’d pretty much agree with that. Stevie’s far too good for this, quite frankly, shiteous song.

  1. Pray – Take That

“All I do each night is pray, hoping that I’ll be a part of you again someday.” Really? All you do? Thankfully, soon Gary Barlow’s fingers will be so fat he’ll be unable to compose anymore of these shitty, shitty songs.

Saturday, 23 August 2008

How To Palm-Read

I mentioned in this post (which seems like ages ago, I might add!) that I had big plans for palmistry. Admittedly, they were briefly forgotten plans, but now they are very much plans in action! The best kind of plans!

After some careful and fruitful internet snooping, I’ve been teaching myself how to read palms. Here’s how you can read your palm, too.

The lines on your hand may change as you gain experiences, so some people think of palmistry as more accurate (if any of it can be said to be accurate) than things such as the zodiac. Palmistry is not supposed to tell the future, it’s supposed to tell the past.

Firstly, I tried out this website. It doesn’t so much explain how to read your palm, but more reads it for you and tells you the result. This is what it said for me, I’ll make it small because it’s very wordy:

"Dynamism, power, leadership and zest characterise your personality. Highly energised and enthusiastic, you hold out even during tough times. But remember not to overdo this. Your decision-making is swift and on-the-spot most of the times. Versatility is thy other name. You are also romantic, but with a generous dash of challenge thrown in.

Your index finger is short. This makes you a dependable team player. A position of command is not for you. But you do have a keen eye for detail. You can be impulsive; not all your moves are quite rational. Look out! Stress could get the better of you. Your index finger being longer than your ring finger points to you being realistic but aggressive at the same time. Yet, you are not able to stand your ground at times. Your sense of judgement is finely balanced. Your middle finger being longer than the adjoining fingers in length signifies an even view towards life. You are extremely organised; seldom ever do you 'come apart' in any situation. You seem to have all stages of your life worked out to the last detail, and possess an unbiased and sagacious personality. You evaluate and analyse all your actions towards achieving your goals in life and get there through sheer dedication and will power. The top of your ring finger is in level with the base of the fingernail of your middle finger. You are a sweet talker and can seduce most people and bend them to your will. But this style may have only sho
rt-lived results! Since your little finger is set lower than your other fingers, you encumber and impede your own life. The pursuit of goals seems unimportant to you and hence you make no effort to reach out. Your little finger does not reach the first flexure line (joint) of your ring finger. You are a shy introvert and speak only when spoken to. You are intelligent and knowledgeable, yet uncommunicative.

You have a long life and will live to up to about 70. You attach a lot of importance to customs and rituals. You prefer constancy and stability to change. You are deeply attached to your home.

Your head line touches your line of life. You are an extremely conservative person. All innovation is deplorable; you stick resolutely to what you learned during your 'growing up' years. Make sure you don't offend or suffocate others with your fixed ways. Your headline ends in a fork. You contemplate deeply before executing plans. This trait is usually inherent in lawyers and authors. Your headline is medium straight. You are a highly rational individual. You are thought oriented and never act before thinking it through.

You are a highly energetic person who emotes with physical touch. Your personality is marked by a strong sensual presence. You demonstrate your feelings freely - be these feelings of affection or otherwise.

Since your fateline starts in the middle of the palm, it reflects that you have a strong sense of individuality. You are meticulous and full of determination."

I think that was pretty damn interesting. I think it is quite accurate too, I’d say so anyway, but then I never know with these type of things because some of them are so general they could be true for anyone.

But enough of this lesbian jam! I want to know how to actually read a palm, not just the outcome!

Left, Right, Left

The palm you read should be your dominant hand, so it will depend on whether you are right or left handed. Apparently, right handed people are usually more logical and left handed people are usually more creative, this is due to the corresponding sides of the brain attached to these hands. How interesting!


Different fingers are said to signify different things:

Index finger = Ego & Ambition
Middle Finger = Balance
Ring Finger = Emotions & Creativity
Little Finger = Communication


I hope you like this little picture I drew.

Obviously if your hand actually looks like that it's probably been mangled in some sort of horrific accident, and I'm very sorry indeed.

The whole line reading thing is pretty obvious - if a line, for example your head line is very straight then that supposedly means that you have very fixed ways of thinkings. If it is curved it means you have the ability to be very flexible in the way you think. This applies to all lines, really. A short line may signify short sightedness in terms of ways of thinking, and a head line which branches out might mean someone who can think in a variety of ways.

'Writer's Fork'

If your head line has a fork at the end of it, this is called a 'writer's fork'. It shows a versatile and adaptable nature. I have one, which is very nice, but I don't think I am particularly adaptable. Oh well, nice to say I've got a 'writer's fork'. Now I just have to write something.

Lines can also affect each other, for example if the head or the heart line appears to be pushing at the other, that could signify that you let your head rule your heart, or vice versa.

Aside from all that basic stuff, this website looks quite good, though I've not had a proper look yet.

There we go. Now let's all stare at our hands! What fun!

Friday, 22 August 2008

The Warning - Robert Creeley

For love – I would
split open your head and put
a candle in
behind the eyes.

Love is dead in us
if we forget
the virtues of an amulet
and quick surprise.

-- Robert Creeley

Thursday, 21 August 2008

A Word From Daisy*




*This blog was written by guest writer, Daisy... the hamster.

Nigel's Birthday

Without further a shrew, here my dears is this week's yays & nays...

Y&N Spinoffs - This person has, and this person has plans to do their own versions of Yays & Nays... which is fine by me because I stole the concept in the first place. Imitation is the queerest form of Tony Slattery, as they say. Hoorah!

Britain - We're doing so ruddy well in the Olympics! We rule! Rule Britannia!

Finger Painting - We did some finger painting today! It was very fun indeed. I painted a unicorn called Nigel, because it's his birthday.

R.I.P Angus - Angus the fish is dead. Sad times. He was buried in a box full of his favourite things: a pea, some fish food, a pebble and some water from his tank.

Photoshop - I tried to download photoshop the other day, but for some stupid reason it wouldn't work on my laptop. To make matters worse there's now hardly any room left of my laptop so I'm going to have to go around deleting things.

Change - I don't like it. Not lots of change, and not all at once. Not fun.

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

Fat Maths

Would you like to know some facts? Of course you would, facts are fun!

  • In a recent poll, 21% of women said they would give up 10 years of their life to be their ideal weight.
  • A feature in The Times claimed that the average woman thinks about her weight every 15 minutes.

You know how much I love maths, so let’s try and work this out shall we…

The average life expectancy in the UK for women is 81.6… let’s call it 82. There’s 24 hours in the day, and 4 lots of 15 minutes in an hour. So 4 X 24 = 96 (that’s 96 times a day a woman thinks about her weight.) 365 days a year = 35,040 times a year. If we presume women become conscious of their weight at around 12 - that’s 70 years of worrying about their weight, which equals to 2,452,800 times in a lifetime. We’ll assume each thought lasts roughly 5 seconds: that’s 12,264,000 seconds a lifetime women spend worrying about their weight. There are 86400 seconds in a day. 12,264,000 / 86400 = 141.93.

So that’s 141.93 days of their lives that the average UK woman spends thinking about her weight.

Looking at the facts, I’d rather just carry on with my life worrying every 15 minutes than lose 10 years of it. I can’t help thinking I’ve done the maths wrong. I probably have, but that’s not the point. The point is, women shouldn’t feel that they have to worry this much – every 15 minutes… that’s more often than the average man thinks about sex! Something is very wrong here.

Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Gnome Conversations

Why don't you...

...Talk to a garden gnome?

They must get terribly lonely out in the garden on their own!

Monday, 18 August 2008

Little Fish, Big Pond

...More like minuscule fish, ruddy massive ocean.

I had a meeting at work this morning which was for all the team leaders. I do run a team, but it's pretty much the smallest team around, at one point it was just me in fact, but it's usually 2 or 3 people.

This meeting had an awfully scary amount of bigwigs (that's a scary word, isn't it - bigwigs... sounds like earwigs... eugh). I felt exteremly out of my depth. But for no justifiable reason, actually. I mean, I understood everything they were talking about - I know how the company and most of the departments are run, and I run mine well but these people were just so... corporate.

I don't know, just dreary and obsessed with figures and targets and all that balls. I suppose it's just the daunting size of the company more than anything. Oh well... I don't care. I'm leaving in a month or so. I go to work, I work, I leave work. I live the rest of my life.

I was far more interested in the proper tea (the vending machine tea in my office is truly revolting) and the biscuits! Ooooh the biscuits! Good times. Makes it all worth while, really.


I've been noseying around (yes, it's a word) and I've found this website. It's basically a blog with pictures of people's 'literary tattoos' - so they might be quotes or song lyrics or lines from a book or poem.

Some of them are really nice, but some of them are just plain crap.

Leading on from this, I found this blog, 'Horrible Tattoos'. It definitely lives up to the name... and then some. These tattoos are hilariously shit, they really are.

This all god me thinking. I would consider getting a tattoo, I'm not against them at all, but I do believe that it's not something to be done on a whim. Tattoos have to have a deep, personal meaning, because they're going to be around for as long as you are. This is probably why quotes are so popular as tattoos - they mean a lot to a lot of people. That's why I put quotes on this blog, because one articulate sentence say and mean so much. I don't think I could choose just the one though.

Saying that, you'd probably be a bit pissed off when you meet the umpteenth other person to have a Sylvia Plath tattoo, but oh well. There's a reason why quotes are quoted.

So, perusing these blogs, I think I've got a good idea on what I see as a nice and a not nice tattoo. But I think I'll wait and see if something means enough to me that I feel the need to permanently etch it on to my body.

Sunday, 17 August 2008


I thought I'd share these words of wisdom from Kurt Vonnegut which I have just found. Incase you don't know who he is, I'll save you the trouble of putting his name into wikipedia.

Here's Kurt Vonnegut's eight rules for creative writing:
  1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
  2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
  3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
  4. Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.
  5. Start as close to the end as possible.
  6. Be a sadist No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
  7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
  8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To hell with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.
That's got to mean something, coming from such an incredible writer. Good advice, thanks Kurt!

Small People

"Don't give up. I believe in you all. A person's a person no matter how small."

-- Dr Seuss

5"1 Power! Woop!

Saturday, 16 August 2008


I've got some shocking news... Madonna is 50 years old today! I know, I know, I don't quite believe it either... she looks about 80.

To be honest, I don't really like her enough to write out a whole thing on her, there'll be enough rubbish about her all over the TV, but I figure since people will be talking about her so much I might as well talk about Madonna when she was good - none of this new 'ripping off Abba' nonsense.

So here we go, from 11 studio albums and 87 singles, my top 5 Madonna Songs:

1. Ray Of Light

The video to this is amazing, and I think aside from The Immaculate Collection, Ray Of Light was pretty much the end of her making decent music. She pretty much 'reinvented' herself into a preachy bitch after that.

2. Lucky Star

So 80s. I just think this song's cute, I don't know why.

3. Like A Prayer

Scandalous video. Jesus was black... how shocking... or not really very shocking, actually, it does seem to make more sense. Now let's set fire to some religious symbols! Hoorah! On another note, I love gospel choirs... they rock.

4. La Isla Bonita

Is she really Spanish? I'm not really sure, I don't think she is. Why do people like pretending they're Spanish? I don't know, but this song's funky. I used to think the lyrics were "eyes like a bagel".

5. Love Profusion

This one's the most recent. It's a nice song, they used it in an advert for perfume or something like that, but I definately think it should have been a bigger deal than it was. Oh well, it's really fun and easy to play on the guitar as well.

On a slightly different subject, I really want to see Evita! 'Another Suitcase in Another Hall' - pure genius.

Happy Birthday Madonna, you haggard old tart!

Friday, 15 August 2008

How To Spot An Office Stereotype

There are several stereotypes that the average office couldn’t be without. Some people are an irritating mixture of all of them.

The ‘Mad’ Person

This is the person that you get ‘warned about’ when you first start out, because they’re so ‘crazy’. If it’s a man he’ll probably demonstrate his ‘madness’ by wearing some sort of comedy tie, and if it’s a woman she’ll just have really frizzy hair.

Often heard saying: “You don’t have to be mad to work here, BUT I FUCKING AM!”

The Lady Who Talks To Herself

I had one of these once who not only talked to herself, but also swore at herself incredibly loudly and without warning. It was quite terrifying.

Often heard saying: “You stupid bitch!” or "Oh sh... sugar lumps!"

The Pervy Old Man

Possibly was attractive 30 years ago, but now resides in a corner of the office, only emerging to ‘accidentally’ graze the young female temp’s arses, and look down their tops.

Often heard saying: “Why, that’s a lovely necklace you’ve got on, dear.”

The Depressed Over-Eater

This lovely lady will spend all day eating and drinking at her desk, and then make a big deal about telling everyone around her not to tell anyone about her frequent visits to the biscuit tin.

Often heard saying: “It’s Hilda’s birthday? Oh, well it would be rude not to eat several cakes then.”

The Ex-Pretty Girl

Used to be the pretty girl, but since she started working there floods of temps have flitted in and she is now noticeably less attractive than them. She hates them. She enjoys making subtle jibes at them and littering her desk with photos of her from several years ago.

Often heard saying: "Of course, you wouldn't know that because you're new."

The Slag

Has shagged at least 4 people in the office. And has given at least 2 of them crabs.

Attire: As little as office ettiquette will allow.

The Know-It-All Temp

Self explanatory really, except the difference between a 'Know-It-All' and 'Know-It-All Temp' is that a temp doesn't actually know everything, they just think they do. The current Know-It-All Temp in my office wears a suit and a scowl every single day. I bloody hate temps, and I bloody am one.

Attire: A hideously cheap suit.

The Apathetic Worker

Admittedly, this is the majority of people. We all know office work sucks, we only work there because we’re too unimaginative and/or lazy to get a different job.

Often heard saying: "Just put it in the ‘B-1N’ file."

The Participator

Participates in everything and anything they possibly can. Possibly as a way to get out of work. You’ll be able to spot them, they’ll be the ones dressed as a Father Christmas on the 1st of December, whilst making paper chains to string around their desks.

Often heard saying: “Next Tuesday is Pancake day! Let’s all come to work dressed like pancakes, and hang pancakes from the ceiling!”

Thursday, 14 August 2008

Electric Assumptions

Yays and nays is back... without a vengeance, really, I'd say it was more of a quiet enthusiasm.

Olympics - I love that everyone gets really into the Olympics. Much better than the World Cup, because no-one likes football really, we all know it's just invented to make men look manly.

- Our very brief lack of electricity earlier this week made me realise how lucky we are to have such a thing. It's taken for granted, but when it's not there it's very strange indeed!

New Songs - I got some new songs on my iPod recently. I discovered that weirdly I walk faster when I'm listening to new songs rather than old ones, it helped me get to work quicker. Strange, but true. Any suggestions of bands?
Chavs - If you want a job, work somewhere that doesn't require intelligence, or social skills. Don't come to my office, because no-one will like you.

Crazy Office People - No you're not crazy, you're incredibly safe and predictable. Your generic, inoffensive office humour makes me want to throw my shoes at you.

Assumptions - Because when you assume, you make an 'ass' of 'u' and 'me'.

Wednesday, 13 August 2008


"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours"

-- Baz Luhrman

Tuesday, 12 August 2008


The following is a blog I wrote last night at approximately 11pm.

I’m currently writing this blog in Word… why, you ask? Because we have no internet. Actually, to be specific, we have no electricity. Actually, to be more specific we have 1 mains socket that works in the entire house. We also have around 4 telephone sockets in the house, but the only one that actually works is located on the opposite end of the house to the remaining working mains socket.

We’ve run out of extention leads.

The fridge and the kettle are our priorities at this current time, but I’m beginning to think that I could live without hot food and and kettle in exchange for a little bit of internet-type magic.

Oh, and did I mention the bloke that came to fix the electricity (who, incidentally, looked like a stunned owl) thinks it may have been rats chewing through the wires? Well he does.

He also showed us his pubes.

All kettle and no internet make Sophie a mad girl.
All kettle and no internet make Sophie a mad girl.
All kettle and no internet make Sophie a mad girl.
All kettle and no internet make Sophie a mad girl.

Childhood Possessions

I Love: Going through old childhood possessions.

I Hate: Having to either throw them away, or find a place to put them all.

Monday, 11 August 2008

Top 10 Ambiguous Songs

I did a list not long ago, but I felt inspired so I started writing this shee. Here we have it, in descending order, my all-time top-ten ambiguous songs. Although I'm sure there's some I've missed.

10. Sunny Afternoon - The Kinks

“The tax-man’s taken all my dough, and left me in my stately home, lazing on a sunny afternoon.”

Ok, so it's quite an explicit song in terms of meaning, there’s not really anything ambiguous about the lyrics except the fact that it’s a ‘sunny afternoon’, but the tone of the song is quite happy I think, happy and relaxed and the singer’s not particularly worried that his girlfriend’s stolen his car and is telling her parents that he’s an abusive alcoholic.

9. Mamma Mia - ABBA

“I’ve been cheated by you since I don’t know when”

… the ABBA girls chirp happily, whilst dancing around in white mini-dresses. A bit weird? I think so. Keep an eye on Cissy’s blog for a nice big rant about ABBA.

8. Every Breath You Take - The Police

“Every smile you fake, every claim you stake I’ll be watching you.”

Pretty much the ultimate in ambiguous songs. Everyone knows it’s about a stalker, but I felt like I had to put it in here because, to be honest, I wanted to listen to it again.

7. Who Loves The Sun - Velvet Underground

“Who loves the sun, who cares that it makes grass grow? Who cares what it does since you broke my heart? Who loves the sun? Not everyone.”

Supposedly this is a rhetorical question, “Who loves the sun?" “Why, everyone loves the sun of course!” But oh no, contraire my dears, not the Velvets! They’re far too cool for all that! They don’t even hate it! They just don’t give a flying fig’s hoot... Now, let’s all go do some heroin.

6. Getting Better - The Beatles

“It’s getting better all the time... I used to be cruel to my woman, I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved.”

WTF? Ok then. So Heather was right then was she Paul?! This otherwise happy little song has the most bizarre line plonked right in the middle that makes me wonder if it was there to shock people, or to give the whole song a bit of a sinister undertone… or maybe just for lolz.

5. Shiver - Coldplay

“Did you want me to change? Well I’ll change for good, and I want you to know that you’ll always get your way.”

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to decide whether or not this song is lovely or a bit creepy. I think considering it’s sung by Chris Martin, I’ll take it as a lovely song, but if someone like Vincent Price was to read it, it would certainly seem very creepy… but then most things would (the Thriller speech still terrifies me).

4. Rules - Shakira

Don’t forget that you’re condemned to me. Can’t you see? You always were.”

This starts off as a nice song, some slightly odd but I suppose reasonable requests, (or ‘rules’) but then goes a bit strange at the end of the chorus. But then again I know a few people who wouldn’t see being condemned to Shakira as a bad thing…

3. China Girl - David Bowie

“I’ll give you television. I’ll give you eyes of blue.”

I’d like to go for another WTF if possible. WTF? This song was recorded by both David Bowie and Iggy Pop (I think Iggy’s is possibly better). I honestly can’t tell what this song is about. I’ve had a look about – some people say it’s about Hitler, some people say it’s about drugs, some people say it’s just a song about someone warning about western culture’s influence over eastern culture. All I know is, Bowie’s video to it is pretty darn freaky.

2. Funny Little Frog - Belle & Sebastian

“You are my girl and you don’t even know it. I am living out the life of a poet. I am the jester in the ancient court, and you’re the funny little frog in my throat.”

“I don’t dare to touch your hand, I don’t dare to think of you in a physical way and I don’t know how you smell. You are the cover of my magazine. You are my fashion tip, a living museum. I paid a visit to you on rainy Sundays, I’ll maybe tell you all about it someday.”

I still don’t even know what the hell this song’s about. I thought I did but the last bit’s a right pain. Some people say it’s about God, some people say it’s about being in love with someone famous or someone they’ve never met. I don’t know, but I bloody love the song, and I love the fact that it doesn’t have an obvious, fixed meaning.

1. Perfect Day - Lou Reed

“It’s such a perfect day, I’m glad I spent it with you. Oh such a perfect day, you just keep me hanging on.”

“Such a perfect day, you made me forget myself, I thought I was someone else, someone good.”

I’ll always be in two minds about this song. Realistically (and statistically) Lou Reed song’s generally aren’t about nice things like going to the zoo. Unless all the animals are transvestites or addicts. Let’s face it, this song is about heroin addiction. Especially that last bit - “You’re going to reap, just what you sow.”

Sunday, 10 August 2008


Haiku for my blog.
Does it have to be funny?

… It’s not normally.

Saturday, 9 August 2008


I've just noticed something, and I think it may be revolutionary, so listen up children.

On facebook, the advert on the sidebar changes quite a lot, but it's always relevant to the person who's logged in. Facebook knows a lot about you, and obviously changes the advertising depending on a few facts (age, gender, sexuality, location, etc.)

In a few people's case, if they've mentioned Kate Bush a few times, then it will probably advertise Kate Bush t-shirts, which is lovely... has anyone ever bought them?... I think not... anyway, I digress.

A few adverts I usually have are: Laura Ashley (yay!), Kate Bush t-shirts, ASOS, and... some sort of weight-loss advertising. It might as well say, "You're female? Oh, you're fat and ugly then!" I'm pretty damn sure if I put my gender as male I wouldn't get this kind of crap.

There we have it - facebook is sexist...

...but I'll probably* still use it.


Friday, 8 August 2008

Annoying Monkey

Why don't you...

Watch the Olympics?

... because the annoying advert monkey isn't actually real! (As far as I know)

Thursday, 7 August 2008

Elton the Stressed Mermaid

Yes! Actually on a Thursday this time! Woop it up you slaaags!

Billy Joel & Elton John - You know, I realised how sad I am the other night when I was having a whale of a time cleaning the kitchen listening to 'River of Dreams'. 'Crocodile Rock' is now on my 'walking to work' playlist. I need to get out more.

Driving - I'm re-starting driving lessons after being so close to passing last time. I really hope it works out ok this time. I missed driving. I love driving, and I'm good at it - just give me a freaking licence!

Disney Songs - Sarah and I have just been watching some lovely Disney songs on YouTube. My favourite film would have to be Aladdin, or Beauty and the Beast. The songs in The Little Mermaid are pretty bitchin' though.
Work Stress - My job gets more and more stressful by the day, and it's giving me headaches. I'm disinclined to call them 'migranes' but they are really horrible, and ridiculously frequent.

Unecessarily Complex Vocabulary - You know what I mean... those incredibly annoying and pompous people who use unecessarily long/complex words in everyday language just because they think it makes them sound more intelligent. I've got news for you, twats - there's something called colloquialism. Stop talking like that - it makes you sound like a dickhead... so shut the fuck up.

"Yeah, No" - What?! Either 'yeah' or 'no' - not both. Decide.



- Har Mar Superstar

I like the singing fish, and also I've been singing "Bom... bom bom bom bom bom BOM!" for the last few days so I thought it was worth spreading the love.

Wednesday, 6 August 2008

No Such Thing

The other night I got incredibly bored. When I get bored, occasionally I attempt to amuse myself by writing stupid poems. I like poems to be fun to read, make no sense, and to have a nice rhythm and rhyme. So here we go, the result of my boredom...

No Such Thing

There’s no such thing as a drole unicorn,

There’s no such thing as a ludicrous prawn,

There’s no such thing as an owl that’s well read,

There’s no such thing as thoughts in your head.

There’s no such thing as birds in the sea,

There’s no such thing as gravity.

There’s no such thing as a house with no space,

There’s no such thing as a watch with no face,

There’s no such thing as a bad cup of tea,

There’s no such thing as certainty.

There’s no such thing as a courteous coup,

There’s no such thing as a viscous canoe.

There’s no such thing as a crab that can skip,

There’s no such thing as an angry parsnip,

There’s no such thing as a predictable shoe,

There’s no such thing as a lie that is true.

There’s no such thing as a whale on a string,

There’s no such thing as no such thing.

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Top 10 90s Songs

I would firstly like to point out that this is a retrospective list, because my pre-teen self of the 90s would have a much different list indeed (Wet Wet Wet would feature for a start… don’t judge me…).

I would secondly like to point out that the reason I didn’t say ‘Top 10 90s singles’ was that I may choose tracks that weren't released.

Let the games begin! Honk.

10. Fugees – Killing Me Softly (1996)

Because if you can do a song better than Roberta Flack, you deserve a mention. One time!!

9. Sixpence None The Richer – Kiss Me (1999)

I just makes me happy. I don’t know why. Just a sweet, 90s-ish song. “Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance, silver moon sparkling…”

8. Savage Garden – To The Moon and Back (1996)

Ridiculously sentimental, catchy songs. That’s what you expect from Savage Garden. I quite like that this is song is sort of pre-emo. I could have put Truly madly Deeply here… but this is my favourite Savage Garden song. Freaky video.

7. No Doubt – Don’t Speak (1996)

Don’t even pretend that you don’t like this song because you do. Everyone does.

6. R.E.M – The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight (1992)

Not stereotypically ‘90s’ in my eye but I love R.E.M so they’ve got to join in. Mike Stipe is a genius, I like how he looks like that blokie from East 17 in this video it’s pretty funny. “Callmewhenyoutrytowakeherup.”

5. The Verve – Bittersweet Symphony (1997)

You’ve got to love this song. It’s not really a song you listen to, more like a song that’s just around and everyone agrees it’s amazing. I need to start listening to more Verve I think. Nice to see Richard Ashcroft looking like he should be in Eastenders.

4. Blur – Coffee & TV (1999)

The video gets them extra points… I freaking love that milk carton, and I don’t even drink milk. So do the lyrics, “Do you feel like a chain store? Practically floored.” Damon Albarn, possibly the king of 90s music. I’d also like to give Tender an honourable mention, because it probably is my favourite Blur song, but the video isn’t as fun so I’ll leave it out.

3. Annie Lennox – Walking On Broken Glass (1992)

Annie you slag why won’t you let me embed this video?! Oh well, here’s the link but it’s definitely worth a watch. If only to see Hugh Laurie and some jazzy dancing.

2. Pulp – Common People (1995)

If Damon Albarn’s the king of 90s music, Jarvis Cocker’s the princess. God I love that man. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was gay. I’ve been watching 2:46-2:29 over and over again, and I’m now laughing so much I can’t type.

1. Spice Girls – Say You’ll Be There (1996)

Yeah! You knew it was coming. The Spice Girls, at their best. Of course they’re number 1… I know where my loyalties lie.

You know what? After all that I think they were all singles after all. Oh well

Now… let’s see your list!!

Monday, 4 August 2008

love is more thicker than forget

love is more thicker than forget
more thinner than recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail

it is most mad and moonly
and less it shall unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea

love is less always than to win
less never than alive
less bigger than the least begin
less littler than forgive

it is most sane and sunly
and more it cannot die
than all the sky which only
is higher than the sky

-- e.e. cummings

Sunday, 3 August 2008

Lovely Libraries

Don't ask me how, because I'm not entire sure myself. But I've just stumbled across this site which for some fantastic reason has lots and lots of pictures of libraries!

I don't know if it's just me (it can't be!) but I love the aesthetic of libraries. Some of these pictures literally made me gasp... I know. I'm a loser. Godamn.

In fact, these pictures made me so freaking happy, that I'm considering becoming a librarian. I think I could pull off the bitter old woman vibe rather well. Or then again I could always become Henry DeTamble'*s female counterpart and go punk.

I'll add it to the list.

* I love him. If you ruin him, Eric Bana, I will hunt you down.

Saturday, 2 August 2008

Stop Being Such a Girl

I love: being a girl.

I hate:
the ridiculous amount of pain that goes with it.

Seriously, it sucks eggs... and I'm not sure if that's a pun or not.


"Let's think the unthinkable, let's do the undoable, let's prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all"

-- Douglas Adams

Friday, 1 August 2008

Freckley Libraries

I know it's another one not on a Thursday, but then it's not called 'Things I Love Thursday' anymore so I'll do what I ruddy well like. Also, my week's being a bit backwards so I got a bit confused. I think it's Friday today...
Libraries - As I said before, I've been looking at lots of pictures of libraries lately. I just like the aesthetic I suppose. I also love doors and lamp posts (but only nice old ones... so I'm not completely sad) and have been known to snap a few photos of them on my camera phone once or twice. L-O-S-E-R.

5ives - Not to be confused with the 90s boyband 5ive, '5ives' is a website/blog-type-thing run by a blokie called Merlin Mann. He basically writes lists of '5 Things', but he's an incredibly witty and funny man. You know how much I love lists.

Sylvia Plath - I watched Sylvia last night and it was just as good as the first time I watched it! Her poetry makes a lot more sense now I've seen this film, it's sort of like the dots are connected.

Late Nights - I'm an idiot. Every morning I wake up and tell myself tonight I'll get a proper night's sleep. It never happens. For some stupid reason I just don't go to bed when I should. I'm pretty sure it's a teenage thing.

The Sun - Makes me go all freckley! Naaaaaay!! Damn my Scottish skin.

Godamn - I can't think of another nay... again... I suppose that mean's I'm too optimistic, right? Or maybe just forgetful - yeah that's probably it.