Thursday, 30 April 2009


4 Awesome French Swear Words
  1. Putain (Meaning: whore - pronounced 'pu-ten')
  2. Cul (Meaning: arse - pronounced 'kool')
  3. Nichons (Meaning: boobs - pronounced 'nee-shons)
  4. Baiser (Meaning: to shag - pronounced 'bee-zay', as in, "Let's get bee-zay!")

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Spot The Difference

Jimi Hendrix

Ian Curtis

David Bowie

Johnny Depp

As much as I hate smoking, these guys are all pretty cool. Notice any similarities?

Personally I think these photos exhibit excellent photographers. The fact that they're pretty much the same picture, yet still so different because they put across the different subject's personalities.

Also quite interesting is that Jimi Hendrix is smoking with his left hand, while he was ambidextrous, and that David Bowie is smoking with his right hand despite being left-handed. Of course by the time I've got to them the pictures could easily have been reversed so actually, they could have been using either hand (except the Bowie one's definately not because his pupils are on the right sides). This whole thing is irrelevant anyway, because I've seen a picture from the same shoot with him using his other hand, so he obviously just got tired. The obsessing will end now.

Don't smoke, children! It's not big, it's not clever, and you'll wind up smelling like Amy Winehouse's hair piece!

Monday, 27 April 2009


It has become apparent that it is possible that the qualities 'attractive' and 'sexy' are not synonymous. While they usually go hand in hand, one does not necessitate the other. It is possible to be attractive and not be sexy, and more likely, it is possible to be sexy but not attractive. As is custard with these types of ponderings, I've made a graph.

Now, the first thing I noticed was the large amount of Jews in the purely 'sexy' category. Just something to think about there. Personally I think God decided a while ago that the Jews had been through enough, so he made them naturally sexy. Genetics had made it too late to make them particularly attractive, sadly.

Mick Jagger's looks have rapidly disappeared only to leave him with what can only be described a case of 'stretchy-face jowls' teamed with 'old-man pervertedness'. He is, however, innately sexy. (Apparently there's something about Sexy-Ugly in 'Kissing Jessica Stein'... see Cissy M for more details.)

Tom Cruise I personally find revolting, but some might say he's traditionally 'handsome'... I might say that he's a creepy, power-mad, self-obsessed short-arse. Regardless, he's definitely not sexy. Ok, so it's a crap example, but I'm sure there are plenty of people who are attractive but not sexy.

What I conclude from this graph is Johnny Depp and 1960's Mick Jagger for the win, basically... and your mum's ugly, but she still manages to around. Fancy that!

I would like some recognition for the fact that I didn't mention David Bowie in this post. Until now.

Sunday, 26 April 2009

Ian Curtis Win

"Holy mother of fuck I love Joy Division!"

I think Fergus has been graffiti-ing again...

Saturday, 25 April 2009

Top 5 Film Monologues

Don't ask me why, I just think monologues are interesting.

5. Withnail & I - "I have of late -- wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth..."

4. Pulp Fiction - "I lay my vengeance upon thee..."

3. Trainspotting - "Choose Life."

2. The Libertine - "I am John Willmott - second Earl of Rochester: and I do not want you to like me."

1. Annie Hall - "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member."

Feeling Gay

Marilyn Monroe playing the ukulele like the awesome person she is:

... apparently she's feeling gay.

Friday, 24 April 2009

Half Full

There's far too much focus on the tags 'optimist' and 'pessimist'. I have decided that it makes more sense to think of people in these two terms:
  • People who are generally happy unless something bad happens
  • People who are generally unhappy unless something good happens
I would say that I was the top one, but I know a few people who are the bottom one.

What do you think, and which one are you?

Thursday, 23 April 2009


Basically, I'm looking to buy a digital camera. This is proving very difficult. My experience with cameras means that the one I buy must have the following:
  • Rechargable battery
  • 1GB + memory
  • Be able to film video
  • Have more than 6 megapixels
Image stabiliser would be preferred, too. Oh, and can I have this for less than £80...? If someone finds this camera for me, I will give them my first born child*.

*Or something of equal or greater value... but not a camera.

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Don't Fear The Reaper

Don't Fear The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult

I never really listened to this song until a few days ago, because I decided to learn to play it on the ukulele. The lyrics are very interesting, I think:

"All our times have come
Here but now they're gone
Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain (We can be like they are)
Come on baby (Don't fear the reaper)
Baby take my hand (Don't fear the reaper)
We'll be able to fly (Don't fear the reaper)

Valentine is done
Here but now they're gone
Romeo and Juliet
Are together in eternity (Romeo and Juliet)
40,000 men and women everyday (Like Romeo and Juliet)
40,000 men and women everyday (Redefine happiness)
Another 40,000 coming everyday (We can be like they are)
Come on baby (Don't fear the reaper)
Baby take my hand (Don't fear the reaper)
We'll be able to fly (Don't fear the reaper)
Baby I'm your man..."

Odd band. Very much one-hit wonders, I'm afraid. But still, better to be a one-hit wonder than be hit in the eye with a golden wonder... they have sharp edges.

Needs more cowbell.

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

I Hope My Legs Don't Catch On Fire

I had a dream... actually it was a daydream but it was very vivid and I genuinely thought it was happening at the time, which I wasn't sure daydreams could do but anyway... oh, maybe I fell asleep.

But I digress like a tigress... I had a dream: my house was on fire and I was trapped in my room upstairs. I was about to escape out the window when I grabbed two things. (No, not my boobs.) I then realised the significance (or possibly not at all) of what I had subconsciously just done.

They always ask that don't they? "What objects would you save from a burning building?" Well, besides people and animals, that is. The two objects I saved? My laptop and my phone. 'Bosie' and 'Morrissey', respectively. How very 21st century of me. Actually, I remember the reasoning in my head was "How will Fergus know my house is burnt down?!" That was pretty much my first thought. The second was "I hope my legs don't catch on fire!"

I stand by my choice to save my laptop. I love Bosie. He has all my life on him and I would genuinely be confused and well and truly flabberghasted without him.

The only thing is, does this make me an awful person? I didn't save any teddybears (they're all in the back of my cupboard) or photos, or books, or jewellery: all of which I own and hold a great deal of sentimental value to. I didn't think of that. I suppose I could say I was thinking more of the present and future than the past. I've got the memories of those objects, but I need my laptop and phone for the future.

What would you save from a burning building? Do you think what you should or want to save is different from what you would save in reality? Also, what the buggery does this tell us about ourselves anyway, if anything?

Another thought: some girls name their boobs - I name electronics*. Sad? Yes.

*And plants

Sunday, 19 April 2009

Saturday, 18 April 2009

Top 5 Books

Could do top 10... probably won't. There's enough words as it is.

5. The Just So Stories - Rudyard Kipling

Intended to explain the questions children ask such as 'How the Camel Got His Hump' and 'How the Leopard Got His Spots', these beautifully written short stories are a very memorable piece of my childhood. They're appealing to children especially because of the rhythm of the words: anyone who's read them will be able to recite the 'great grey-green greasy limpopo river (all set about with fever trees)'. You'll remember them, because they're fantastic. Every child should have these stories read to them. They mean even more to me now than they did when I first heard them. Click here to read them for yourself.

4. Trainspotting - Irving Welsh

I've yet to see the film (rubbish I know) but the book, I can tell you, is bloody magnificent. It was described by Rebel Inc as "The best book ever written by man or woman". It's written in a Scottish dialect, so it takes a bit of getting used to, but it's completely worth it, and once you're over the shock of reading something that doesn't conform to spelling and grammar you can clearly see why Irving Welsh wrote it like that, and why the man should be considered a genius of language.

3. The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger

This book is a must-read for everyone during their teens. I'm going to force my children to read it on their 13th birthday. It's a definite coming of age book, but it resonates to all ages. I have a different opinion of Holden Caufield every time I read it, so I think I'll try it again and see what I think this time. Read it. Read it. Read it... read it, motherfuckers.

2. High Fidelity - Nick Hornby

All-time top-five favourite things about High Fidelity? 5. The awesome film, which completely does the book justice (but could have been a little more true to the book). 4. The difference of the characters, which let you know that even though you're being told everything from the narrator's perspective, he's actually a bit of an idiot. 3. The completely human aspect of the narrator - I believe this man is real, or at least, that I'm reading Nick Hornby's diary. 2. The constant music references, and piss-taking of music snobbery. 1. The lists. How I love them.

1. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

(That especially includes Through the Looking-glass!) I honestly think that without this book, and in fact most books on this list, that I wouldn't be doing an English Literature degree. Literature would be so much poorer without this book, and so would our culture. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland beautifully epitomises everything that is eccentrically English. I love this book beyond words. Everyone knows the story, or most of it, but if you haven't read it I really would urge you to because there's so much you can miss out on that isn't well known. The poems alone are just fantastic.

"Then fill up the glasses as quick as you can,
And sprinkle the table with buttons and bran:
Put cats in the coffee, and mice in the tea-
And welcome Queen Alice
with thirty-times-three!


Then fill up the glasses with treacle and inc,
Or anything else that is pleasant to drink;
Mix sand with the cider, and wool with the wine-
And welcome Queen Alice
with ninety-times-nine!"

Friday, 17 April 2009

Spring Chickens

As I get older, the differences between attractiveness of men and women of different age groups has become more apparent to me. As with most things, I felt that it should be portrayed in graph format, et voila:

So, what we can see from this highly accurate and scientific graph is that generally, women are more attractive than men, unless they're old in which case they're significantly less attractive. I'm speaking from a visually pleasing perspective, and not a pervy one... that's what makes it so scientific. Generally, women are as attractive as they're going to get at around early to mid thirties, and then I'm afraid ladies, it's all downhill for us from there. Men, the jammy bastards, are generally ugly fuckers until they get to about mid twenties at which point they become more visually acceptable until at around the age of about 37 they reach the pinnacle of attractiveness.

What I conclude from this is that men age like wine; pretty much getting better with age, unless they're lambrini in which case they probably didn't have much of a chance to begin with. Women age like cheese, getting better with age up to a certain point, at which point you have to start cutting bits off for it to be acceptable.

Thursday, 16 April 2009

Too Late, Stupid

You know when you think of the perfect thing to say, way after the moments been and gone? Yeah, it sucks. Something else that sucks is the English language because despite everyone having experienced this at some point or another, we still don't have a word to describe it.

In French it's called l'espirit de l'escalier. In German it's treppenwitz. I'm not sure of other languages, but I'm sure they've all got something similar.

Come on English, you want to pull your wordy socks up. You know you're not doing good when the French beat you.

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

500 Days of Summer

There's a lot of talk surrounding this film which is due for release in July:

I can't tell if I like it or hate it, but why do I feel like I've seen this film before? I like it in as much as I like sappy romcoms where someone gets a boot up the arse, but then... "Oh look everything's fine... lah dee dah...". What delightful bullshit. Show me this trailer a year ago and I might have been interested - show me this trailer 2 years ago and I'd be counting down the days until it came out.

Since then I've developed a loathing stemming from a disparaging awareness of the unoriginality of all things 'indie'. No, this is not an original film for the two people* out there who've heard of Sid and Nancy. It's all too easy to throw a band like The Smiths into the mix and gain cult indie status nowadays.

Just like music, indie film have become mainstream - but they're trying to hide that for as long as they can so all the "I'm shitting unique, goddammit!" kids of our generation will eat it up, and hand over their very lucrative custom.

The indie teen market must be massive. Throw in an unlikely hero (with one leg, or a stutter or something), a pretty girl who wears nice dresses, let them have adventures edited in a non-lineal fashion, maybe a bit of kooky captioning, and put an 80s indie rock soundtrack over it. Bish. Bash. Bosh. Give me a million quid, I've just written you a indie breakthrough hit.

I'm not saying that liking quirky things is wrong. I'm saying that liking these things because they are quirky is stupider than your mum on toast, and that everyone should like what they like, whether it's popular or not, whether it's cool or not, and whether you want to or not. That's individuality: that's indie, motherfuckers.


Also, is it just me, or does that guy look insanely like Heath Ledger?

*That would be a chasm of sarc, there.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Simple Minds

Just a beautiful song.

Lily Allen

I usually ignore Lily Allen, and I tried to when her new album came out, but by George I tell you she's got a few darn good songs on there!

She's lost a lot of the chavvy and annoyingness and is now more Kate Nash-esque, only with better music. Ok, so I'll admit she's still a bit chavvy and annoying but I think that's just how she is. I liked 'The Fear' and her new song 'Not Fair' is pretty hilarious too.

Lollerskates. Too much bronzer going on there.

Also, just found this song, which is pretty crap to be honest, but it features the chorus "I could be your fag hag, and you could be my gay" so it's still good.

Monday, 13 April 2009

Gentlemen Prefer Tea

Four Things I Do To Cheer Myself Up
  1. Listen to tacky 90s music
  2. Sleep
  3. Watch 'Gentlemen Prefer Blondes'
  4. Look up pictures of baby animals and go "awww...!"
An honourable mention goes to: 'Have a cup of tea'.

Sunday, 12 April 2009


... means...


Friday, 10 April 2009

Laineux Yeux

Dessine-moi un mouton…
Avec une perruque peut-etre.
Ou un grenouille porte un chapeau,
Ou un singe sur un gâteau,
Ou un poisson avec un cadeau,
Et je monterai-toi un animal ridicule également.

Puis laisses les étoiles
S’accrocher à ton tête et tes doigts
Mais ne pas à ton yeux -
C’est difficile voir
Quand vous avez les yeux trop étincelant
Ou les laineux yeux.

Dessine-moi un mouton
Ou un peintre daltonien,
Ou un monstre qui est bien,
Ou un chouette qui pense rien,
Et regardes un créature nés à suivre.
Dessine-moi un mouton,
Mais ne le sois pas.

Je me demande si quelqu'un prenne la temp de traduire ca. Peut-être pas.

Monday, 6 April 2009

Thou Shalt Always Kill

Thou shalt not steal if there is direct victim.
Thou shalt not worship pop idols or follow lost prophets.
Thou shalt not take the names of Johnny Cash, Joe Strummer, Johnny Hartman, Desmond Decker, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix or Syd Barret in vain.
Thou shalt not think that any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child that is not their own is a paedophile… some people are just nice.
Thou shalt not read NME.
Thall shalt not stop liking a band just because they’ve become popular.
Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry.
Thou shalt not judge a book by it’s cover.
Thou shalt not judge Lethal Weapon by Danny Glover.
Thall shalt not buy Coca-Cola products. Thou shalt not buy Nestle products.
Thou shalt not go into the woods with your boyfriend’s best friend, take drugs and cheat on him.
Thou shalt not fall in love so easily.
Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls’ pants. Use it to get into their heads.
Thou shalt not watch Hollyoakes.
Thou shalt not attend an open mic and leave before it’s done just because you’ve finished your shitty little poem or song you self-righteous prick.
Thou shalt not return to the same club or bar week in, week out just ’cause you once saw a girl there that you fancied but you’re never gonna fucking talk to.

Thou shalt not put musicians and recording artists on ridiculous pedestals no matter how great they are or were.
The Beatles - Were just a band.
Led Zepplin - Just a band.
The Beach Boys - Just a band.
The Sex Pistols - Just a band.
The Clash - Just a band.
Crass - Just a band.
Minor Threat - Just a band.
The Cure - Just a band.
The Smiths - Just a band.
Nirvana - Just a band.
The Pixies - Just a band.
Oasis - Just a band.
Radiohead - Just a band.
Bloc Party - Just a band.
The Arctic Monkeys - Just a band.
The Next Big Thing - Just a band.

Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-english speaking countries as to those that occur in english speaking countries.
Thou shalt remember that 'guns', 'bitches' and 'bling' were never part of the four elements and never will be.
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.
Thou shalt not pimp my ride.
Thou shalt not scream if you wanna go faster.
Thou shalt not move to the sound of the wickedness.
Thou shalt not make some noise for Detroit.
When I say “Hey” thou shalt not say “Ho”.
When I say “Hip” thou shalt not say “Hop”.
When I say, he say, she say, we say, make some noise - kill me.
Thou shalt not quote me happy.
Thou shalt not shake it like a polaroid picture.
Thou shalt not wish your girlfriend was a freak like me.
Thou shalt spell the word “Pheonix” P-H-E-O-N-I-X not P-H-O-E-N-I-X, regardless of what the Oxford English Dictionary tells you.
Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Sharon got off with Bradley at the club last night by saying “Is it”.
Thou shalt think for yourselves.

But most importantly of all... thou shalt always kill.

Saturday, 4 April 2009

Free Drinks

I was bought two drinks by customers today - one because he'd just been paid, and the other because I told the bloke next to him to "fuck off then" because we had a disagreement on what a double measure was and he found it funny. Anyway, in this situation, here are...

Four Things I Will Drink
  1. Sailor Jerry's & Coke
  2. Archers & Lemonade
  3. Guinness & Black
  4. Gin & Tonic
Ps. What the fuckety fuck fuck...? It's April! April people!!

Thursday, 2 April 2009

Cheap, Rude Croissants

Oh yeah... I remembered... and it's on a Thursday, like it's supposed to be!

Fergus - Fergus is back! Tomorrow! Within a matter of hours! I don't think I really need anymore yays, this totally tops them all, and makes all of the nays disappear.

Croissants - You know when you really feel like eating a certain type of food and then you get to eat it and it's awesome? I have just had such an experience with a croissant.

Being Cheap- The recession has meant that being stingy isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm not cheap, I'm a frugalista, goddamnit!

Rudeness - Less rudeness, more chavviness. There's no need for it.

Sleep Patterns - Mine is seriously buggered up.

Drugs - Not big and not clever.