Tuesday, 28 December 2010


You've probably seen this but I think it's too hilarious not to show everyone. They just don't write comedy like this anymore.

Sunday, 26 December 2010

Hey Soul Sister

Train are one of those bands that have always been nice to listen to but easily forgotten: underrated. But since they've come back, they seem to be working incredibly hard to remind everyone how great they are. I don't mind, they're good.

The proof in the pudding... there's not a looker in the bunch.

Extra point for use of ukulele.

Saturday, 25 December 2010

The Raveonettes

A lovely Christmas song for you.


Merry Christmas, and that!

Thursday, 23 December 2010

Wednesday, 22 December 2010


Ultimate stalker song. Love it.

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Festive Jesting

"Christmas time, mistletoe and wine... and young ones shouldn't be afraid..." oh no, wrong Cliff song...

So I'm in Australia, and it's been thunder storming it like a bitch for quite a while. This is the coldest 'summer' they have had for a long time, and I'm beginning to regret leaving my jumpers behind. I'm cold most of the time anyway, even when it's sunny, so I adapt. Bloody air conditioning is enough to throw any one's internal thermostat off. Warm outside, cold inside, what's the bloody point?

Anyway, my dad is annoyed that me and my mum spent about $1000 (AUD) on the Christmas tree, which is not including the ribbons and shit we've scattered all over the house slowly without him noticing... and the nearly $100 we spent on cheese yesterday. It's the cheese place's fault! They have a cheese room! A room just for cheese! It stinks! Cheese room! But anywhere that dedicates a whole room to something like cheese has got to be worth a little extra, right? ...A cheese room?! Cheese!!

You'd have thought that after years of us pissing money away at Christmas he'd be used to it - I think he just likes having something to moan about. Humbug.

My mum however, spends her spare money like it's 1999, and why not? She is a one-woman recession buster. She is also adamant that I am getting no inheritance, so is spending it all on Lindt macaroons, which probably says more about my family than I know. I said that's fine, but I'm going to dump her in a lake somewhere.

So yes, the Christmas spirit is all around us, even in Australia. It's fucking cold, everyone's pissed off and kindly threatening each other, and we have enough food to feed England for a year, or Nigella Lawson for a week.

"Once in every lifetime... dom do do, comes a love like this..."

Monday, 20 December 2010

Dog Training

So anyway, my mum asked me to do some dog training this morning while she's at work, so I've decided to teach them valuable life lessons via the medium 1960s pop music. Which is the medium through which I do most things these days, but it's quite versatile, I find.

It all started when they were both trying to get into the fridge to consume a cream cake I made the other day, and I started singing 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' to them. I have a hard time convincing myself that Mick Jagger isn't attractive sometimes. Damn you David Bailey.

So anyway, the dogs pissed off, but whether that was because they had become enlightened, or were scared of my singing I don't know or care. It worked. Hooray!

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Saturday, 11 December 2010

Wednesday, 8 December 2010


"The word pretty is unworthy of everything you will be."

Ok, so she looks like a scary lady, but she talks a lot of sense.

Monday, 6 December 2010


Yesterday I ID'd (yes, it's a verb) a guy who was definitely IDable age. He looked about 18 to me.

But oh my gee... was he pissed off about it? Indeedy. The look on his face when I asked him for ID was hilarous, but equally fucking annoying. It was just pure disbelief.

Twat:"What... me? Me? MOI?!"
Me:"Yes you you arrogant little shit, now show me your ID or get the fuck out before I glass you."

No, that's not how the conversation panned out, but that's probably how it should have happened. This is what did happen:

Twat: "Pfft..."
Me: "You better not have been born in the 90s... are you kidding me?!"

Yep, he was born in 1991. I have several things I say to people, depending on their reaction to being ID'd. I'm 21, and I have no aversion to being ID'd: people are just doing their job, if you don't like it, then drink at home. I know people that are 30 that still get ID'd and don't mind, it all depends on whether you're a dickhead or not. So anyway, these are my stock responses if I'm feeling lazy:

Them: "ID? Why?"
Me: "You're in a pub."

Them: "ID? But I'm 20!"
Me: "Oh, well sorry Grampa! Prove it!"

Them: "How old are you?"
Me: "Old enough to be your mother."

Them: "Oh my god, this is the first time I've been ID'd in ages!" (People only ever say this loudly and infront of many friends)
Me: "Don't get out much then?"

Them: "What if I don't have any?"
Me: "Then you don't get a drink."

I have several more, but I can't think of them now. Basically, jumped up students are the second most annoying customers (second to middle aged men), but at least we can swear at them. I won't tell you what a colleague said to a student last night, but it was hilarious and he asked me if she was allowed to say that. I told him she can do whatever she wants.

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Big Bastard Sofa

A sofa is a very dominant thing. Not just spatially, but linguistically.

I am currently sat having a nice cup of tea. I am at the kitchen table. If I were sat on the sofa having a cup of tea, I would be just that: sat on the sofa (first) having a cup of tea (second). The act of being sat on a sofa dominates whatever action you're doing, because it's an action in itself. Unless the action is a more dominant one, or one which implies sofa-sitting. Interesting.

In terms of spatial dominance, sofas are pretty fucking big. Not so much when compared to a cruise liner or a cathedral, but especially when compared to an ant or a salt shaker.

Tuesday, 30 November 2010


"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so! There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

Saturday, 27 November 2010


"...and here he is... all out of key and nervous... singing 'Act Naturally'... RINGO!"

I know no one cares, but this entertains me no end!

Good Nose

'The Magic Christian' (1969)


This is cool.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

George Harrison

So after much listening to The White Album lately, I've come to decide that 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps' is one of those unfortuntately named pieces of genius... just like 'Cougar Town', or some other better example.

So there we go, there's a bloody good song by him. I would mention 'Something' as well, but the best thing about that is the bridge which I'm pretty sure was Lennon's contribution.

But I found the video for it away, which is hilarious (...well maybe just the last 20 seconds or so) It's got:
  • John and Yoko wandering around like a couple of stoned tramps
  • Ringo and Mo on quad bikes
  • Footage from the Maybe I'm Amazed video of Paul and Linda which is so left over it's like bubble and squeak for dinner on a Monday
One of the best things I've seen in a while is Ringo at the end smoking a fag, looking thoroughly unimpressed, as if he's agreeing - "Yes, it is a shitty, shitty video... now fuck off". I think he's bitter that Octopus' Garden didn't get a video.

Friday, 12 November 2010

Your Own

Overheard #34

Student #1: You use too many big words.
Student #2: That depends if you mean words with many syllables, or words with large concepts.
Student #1: ...Your mum's got large concepts.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Magical Mystery

You may or may not know that I've been ill for the last few days. I'm not normally ill, and when I am it usually doesn't stop me from doing anything so it was a bit odd to actually have an 'ill day'.

Anyway, so I was feeling pretty rubbish, and yesterday morning I was back to uni and on the way home I got pissed off with the horrendously boring audiobook of Samuel Richardson's 'Pamela' I have been listening to for the last week when I realised something. The reason I've been ill (I think). I hadn't listened to The Beatles for roughly 4 days - the same time that I began to feel ill!!

I listened to a bit of 'Lady Madonna' I think it was, when I began to immediately feel better! Not completely, but significantly. Before you dismiss this as rhubarb-rhubarb crazytalk, can I just say that I've mentioned the effect of Paul McCartney's voice to cheer me up before, but as of yet it has not had a healing effect. I think it now has this effect. Magical!

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

In My Life

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends
I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
there is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

Nat King Cole

I've been listening to a lot of Nat King Cole lately. I honestly think he's more talented and just generally a nicer person than Sinatra, it's a shame he's so underrated.

Just listen to that and tell me that doesn't make you happy.


I don't normally mind Yoko, in fact she's good to laugh at sometimes, especially on Twitter. But this video just proves that she had no sense of humour whatsoever. You have to wonder if she and John Lennon, a man of fantastic wit and sense of humour, had any fun at all.

On another note. I love 'Two of Us' and 'I've Got A Feeling', a couple of their last songs - perfect examples of how they age like lovely piece of cheese.

Monday, 8 November 2010

How To Not Swear

So I've decided that I obviously swear too much, so luckily I've come up with some handy, PG substitutes!

"Shit" - "Sugar"

"Twat" - "Twit"

"Bugger" - "Bother"

"Gobshite" - "Rhubarb"

"For fuck's sake" - "For goodness' sake"

"Went down like a sack of shit" - "Went down like a tonne of bricks"

"Piss it" - "Oh dear"

"Bastarding wankers" - "Nasty people"

Friday, 5 November 2010

Who Goes With Fergus?

Who will go drive with Fergus now,
And pierce the deep wood's woven shade,
And dance upon the level shore?
Young man, lift up your russet brow,
And lift your tender eyelids, maid,
And brood on hopes and fear no more.

And no more turn aside and brood
Upon love's bitter mystery;
For Fergus rules the brazen cars,
And rules the shadows of the wood,
And the white breast of the dim sea
And all dishevelled wandering stars.

-- W.B. Yeats

Saturday, 30 October 2010


There was an old man of Dumbree,
Who taught little owls to drink tea;
For he said, "To eat mice, is not proper or nice,"
That amiable man of Dumbree.

-- Edward Lear

Wednesday, 27 October 2010


I've just sent off my PGCE application, and there's nothing I can do about it now.


I don't know who should be more scared - me for desperately hoping that I get on it, or the general public because if I do I will be teaching their offspring.

Monday, 25 October 2010

Important Science

Being a naturally scientific person, I thought I'd draw you a proper diagram to accurately describe what my brain does when I watch the following scene:

... and here is the diagram:

I don't know why I decided that people should know what's in my brain... particularly the attraction to dead transvestites part, but it seemed necessary. Not included in this diagram was me wondering if he was Jewish, and the finding out via Wikipedia that he is indeed, and thinking for fuck's sake all I need is one unattractive Jew to disprove the theory and make it all a coincidence and me not a weirdo, but nooo...

So there's science for you. I hope you learnt a lot.

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Top 10 Songs From Musicals

Fuck me, I love musicals. "The key word here is indulgent..."

10. Sister Suffragettes - Mary Poppins

"We're clearly soldiers in petticoats..." Clearly.

9. Singin' In The Rain - Singin' In The Rain


8. Truly Scrumptious - Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

So I loved this bit when I was little, but it freaks Fergus out so I like to sing it to him. One day he will wake up dressed like Dick Van Dyke as a puppet. Awesome. Actually I like that bamboo song as well, but I never know the words so I just sing "dkfjhsjdfhsdgkjdfgOLD BAMBOO DFKJHSDFGHSDF OLD BAMBOOOO!" Those may or may not be the actual words.

7. Another Suitcase In Another Hall - Evita

Probably one of the few good things Madonna's ever done.

6. Trolley Song - Meet Me In St. Louis

I don't think it could be any camper if it tried.

5. On The Street Where You Live - My Fair Lady

Fox in a tophat.

4. Don't Rain On My Parade - Funny Girl

Hell yeah, don't mess with a Jewish girl in head-to-toe orange.

3. Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend - Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

"The French are glad to die for love, they delight in fighting duels... but I prefer a man who lives and gives expensive jewels." Genius.

2. I'm Through With Love - Some Like It Hot/Everybody Says "I Love You"

There's totally another post on this coming up... with scientific diagrams and everything. Seriously.

1. Maybe This Time - Cabaret

Ok, so also I'm extremely angry that YouTube have decided to not let me embed 'Maybe This Time' from Cabaret. To be honest, if you'd like the song, you probably now it already, and if you don't then you're a boring ninny and screw you Liza is was amazing*.

*She's not dead, just old.

Monday, 18 October 2010

And Some Don't

The more I watch 'Some Like It Hot' the more references to gender I notice.

'Some Like It Hot' appears edgy and provocative, it actually conforms to many gender stereotypes and those that it does subvert it does so in a light-hearted and joking way, which is still reinforcing.

If the film were not funny, the cross dressing would be much more shocking, and it's also unlikely that Tony Curtis would have agreed to it. What is it about a man dressing as a woman that is regarded as inately funny, and why when genders are reversed is this taboo? I don't mean wearing trousers, I mean full-on OMGSHESDRESSEDLIKEAMANWTFGROSS. For your information, men's clothes are slightly cheaper. I think it's like children's clothes, they don't get taxed because they're not fabulous enough.

Something else that I noticed was the line, “You’re not a girl, you’re a guy! Why would a guy wanna marry a guy?” I cringed a little bit. Oh, you crazy naive 1950s folk!!

Ps. RIP Tony Curtis... you had one of my top 10 favourite chins. Oh god, don't make me consider that list...

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Mer Hajesty

She is not amused.

Saturday, 16 October 2010


So I had to read 'To Kill a Mockingbird', because, well, I'm pretty sure it's a legal requirement for an English student... anyway... Atticus Finch - what a man. I'm not talking Gregory Peck, who, let's face it, was a bit of a fox back in the day.

Atticus Finch is one half of the perfect father - he's wise, patient and aggressive when necessary. For those that are interested, the other half of the perfect father is David Bowie, because he's fabulous and because of the song 'Kooks'. If those two were a gay couple, I would hand over my children like that. Take 'em! Make them fabulously intelligent, moral and stable citizens! Buy them pairs of shoes! And trumpets they can blow! And books of rules!

Anyway, here's some words of wisdom from him:

"The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience."

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view-until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."

"People in their right minds never take pride in their talents."

Friday, 15 October 2010


Stupid Woman: 'Naomi House', isn't that for kids with learning difficulties?
Stupid Woman's Friend: No, I think it's a hospice.
Stupid Woman: Oh yeah, that's what I meant.

Thursday, 14 October 2010

'Til Kingdom Come

Well bugger me! The person who did that lovely youtube video of Little Willow yesterday has also done lots of other lovely songs! What's more, they have fantastic taste in music!

So, here's one more lovely song and video. It's actually the bonus track off Coldplay's X&Y, and I wasn't aware that people liked it very much but I've always had a soft spot for it. Crackin'

"And the wheel just keeps on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I’ve waited all these years

For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me"

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Little Willow

Aside from being a song about our cat, this song was also written by Paul McCartney after Mo Starkey (Ringo's wife) died of cancer. It a really pretty song, and one of his top 5 solo songs, I reckon. (That doesn't include Wings)

Oh, and some bright spark has done some nice little pictures to go with it, which I think are quite sweet too.

"No one's out to break your heart, it only seems that way"

Thursday, 7 October 2010

Healthy, Wealthy & Wise

For about a week I've been doing the whole 'early to bed, early to rise' thing... So why do I feel ill, poor and stupid?

Oh that's right, I'm a student!

I think that saying only applies if you have nothing already planned in those waking hours.

Monday, 4 October 2010


What I like about peonies is that sometimes they're all scrunched up and sometimes they're all fluffy, and they look equally beautiful both ways.

Saturday, 2 October 2010

Some Film Quotes

If you haven't seen 'Say Anything', then I would say that it wouldn't be a waste of your life if you did. It's a good film. Anyway, since I'm in a list-making mood, and have just watched 2 films, I am currently equipt with thoughts full of useless quotes which I feel the need to disperse. The wisdom of fictional characters never ceases to amaze. Also worth a re-watch sometime soon = Withnail & I.

1. Lloyd - Say Anything: "What I really want to do with my life — what I want to do for a living — is I want to be with your daughter. I’m good at it."

2. Roger - North By Northwest: "No. No, Mother, I have not been drinking. No. No. These two men, they poured a whole bottle of bourbon into me. No, they didn't give me a chaser."

3. Lorelei - Gentlemen Prefer Blondes: "
Don't you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You wouldn't marry a girl just because she's pretty, but my goodness, doesn't it help?"

4. Rob - High Fidelity: "I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains."

5. George - It's a Wonderful Life: "What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary... Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see... and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair... am I talking too much?"

6. Withnail - Withnail & I: "I feel like a pig shat in my head"

7. Amelie - Amelie: "At least you'll never be a vegetable — even artichokes have hearts."

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Sunday, 26 September 2010

Don't Die, Be Safe

This topic is going to be impossible without me sounding preachy, so I'll get it over with and just say I don't really care if that's how I sound.

I was coming home from lunch with friends the other day when we saw a middle aged woman passed out on the pavement outside Tesco. She wasn't asleep, and she wasn't homeless as far as we could tell because she was wearing smart-ish clothes. She was just a woman, on the floor, in the street. Unconscious. My guess is that around a hundred people walked past her. This woman could have been anyone, she could be diabetic and have passed out, she could have had a heart attack - she could have been dead.

After we shook her and shouted at her to wake up, she did not respond, so we called an ambulance, but as we moved her onto her back as the telephone operator instructed, she woke up. Turns out she was drunk. She mumbled something and seemed grateful for the water we got her, and wandered off somewhere.

The fact that she was drunk is not the point. The point is that a person can be unconscious, or potentially dead, in the middle of a busy street in the middle of the day and be ignored. I think that's horrific.

A few days after, a similar thing happened within a few meters of the first incident. I was walking to work and I saw a man lying in the middle of the road. Again, a normal looking young guy, possibly a student. He was lying in the middle of the a residential road which is just off a busy road. Two people in front of me walked past him. This is how it panned out:

Me: You alright, mate?
(The man waves at me, but keeps his eyes closed)
Me: Do you know you're in the road? You need to get out of the road.
Man: I'm sorry...
Me: You don't need to be sorry, just get out of the road.
(He shuffles along the floor to the pavement, and passes out again)

I called the police to come get him when I got to work. Again, my point being that god knows how long that man was lying in the road, but he could so easily have been run over. It's not worth thinking about. Imagine you saw him lying on the floor, then later that day you heard a drunk man who was lying in the road had been run over and killed. You'd feel guilty, and you'd be right to feel guilty because you ignored when someone was in need.

I'm not saying I'm Florence fucking Nightingale. I don't give a shit what these people chose to do with their lives, but for someone to potentially die over something so stupid as another human being ignoring them is just horrible. I didn't care that he sobered up or didn't feel like shit, I just didn't want him to die for a stupid reason. I wanted him to be safe.

To ignore suffering in all those places Angelina Jolie visits is one thing, but to ignore someone suffering right in front of you is a conscious decision and action, and it makes me ashamed to be part of a society in which we value eachother so poorly.

Monday, 20 September 2010

Overheard #33

Student #1: I can't drink beer, I'm allergic to bread.
Student #2: Oh my God! How do you eat sandwiches?!

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Fools Rush In

Fools rush in
Where wise men never go,
But wise men never fall in love,
So how are they to know?

Friday, 10 September 2010


J'ai le cafard,
Je t'en prie viens voir.
Ce que ton amour représente pour moi.

Friday, 20 August 2010


Someone I know just got a tattoo of their boyfriend's initial on her forearm. She has known this man for less than two months.

Really, stupid decision aside, the fact that she let him tattoo her despite the fact that he's not a tattooist really took the biscuit. Hilarious! He probably would have spelt it wrong too if it weren't one letter... and his own name.

My dad says that getting a tattoo is like scribbling on the Mona Lisa. Now my dad doesn't say a lot of things, or it might be that I don't listen to him... but either way, this is one of the few things I remember him saying. I don't really mind them, but like everything there's a good and a bad way to go about it. I think my words of advice to my children will be a bit more general: "Try not to be a moron most of the time."

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Into My Life

One of my favourite Beatles songs.

Monday, 9 August 2010


Well, she was just 17,
You know what I mean,
And the way she looked was way beyond compare.
So how could I dance with another, oh
When I saw her standing there.

Well she looked at me, and I, I could see
That before too long I'd fall in love with her.
She wouldn't dance with another, oh
When I saw her standing there.

Well, my heart went "boom,"
When I crossed that room,
And I held her hand in mine...

Well, we danced through the night,
And we held each other tight,
And before too long I fell in love with her.
Now, I'll never dance with another, oh
When I saw her standing there.


I made over £7 tonight in tips off some scousers, and all I had to do was laugh at their jokes. I can do that, no problem. If all customers were like them, I'd pretend to be the happiest fucking person in the world, and pretend that they were the most interesting fucking person in the world. Or at least the pub.

It's not that I'm not nice to customers in general, I'm a motherfucking delight. But all I'm saying is that if people want to get my attention by giving me money, then that's definitely going to work. If I know someone has tipped me or will tip me, I will pay them a lot more attention than any other customers. I will watch how much drink they have left, and chat with them, laugh at their jokes and suggest places to go. It's the difference between a "thank you" and a smile, and a "thanks very much, have a nice evening" and getting my boobs out. Jokes. No one would pay good money for those, it's all about a beaming grin.

So where does making conversation for money turn into something more whoreish? I suppose it's a matter of opinion or personal integrity, but fuck integrity, I'm poor. These scousers were nice enough and much more polite than the majority of my customers. They gave me enough tips to pay for a taxi home so that some other drunk wanker couldn't attack me. You've got to love humanity sometimes.

Saturday, 7 August 2010

I Was Made To Love Her

Which do you prefer? Personally, this is probably the worst Beach Boys song I've heard. However, the overall standard is pretty high, so it's not all bad.

Friday, 6 August 2010

Stupid Price

So I've just done an online weekly shop. Just over a year ago the very same shop would cost me about £50 - now it's costing £100. It's almost impossible to feed 5 people for a week for under £100... which is ridiculous. I did a shop for 4 people over a year ago for £40.

Now I'm watching the news and they're telling me that food prices are going up again. Wheat is apparently the culprit. Well, fuck you wheat! You make my mum feel bloated! Now you're costing far too much! Well, maybe it's time to give wheat the heave-ho!

I don't want to eat solid bloody gold, I would just like some smartprice baked beans that aren't going to burn a hole in my pocket. Before they go in the microwave, that is.


I'm becoming my mother. It's inevitable.

I find myself screaming in horror each time I drop a teaspoon. I laugh uncontrollably when people fall over, and I have a penchant for baking extravagant and fattening cakes. I believe in things that most people think of as nonsense, like gluten intolerance and aroma therapy. I fucking love The Beatles. I sing obnoxiously and dance whether there's music or not. Bum-wiggling is a key dance move. I take great pleasure in embarassing those around me. I swear like a foul-mouthed sailor.

Thank goodness my mum is awesome.

Thursday, 5 August 2010


“Life is without meaning. You bring the meaning to it. The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be."

-- Joseph Campbell

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Monday, 2 August 2010

Overheard #32

Woman #1: (Woman #2's Mum) hasn't got a bit of cellulite on her
Man: What not even in her underwear?!
Woman #2: ...I take loads of pictures of my Mum in her underwear...

Tuesday, 27 July 2010


So I have a blackberry. However I do need to clarify that I am not one of 'those people' who really care whether or not they have a blackberry ... As if it's some sort of statement or something. I needed a better phone. This is better than my old phone. That's about the long and the short of it. The amazing thing (I think) is that I am able to blog on my phone. As a result I am sorry for any spelling or format errors in this post. Just an update to let you know I haven't abandoned my little blog, I'm just waiting for our internet to be installed (still...) But I won't go into that...

Sunday, 25 July 2010


If I’m angry, it’s for a legitimate reason. If I’m sad, it’s for a legitimate reason. It’s possibly your fault. It is certainly not purely the fault of ‘hormones’.

I’m sorry, but have we gone back to the 1800s where women get accused of being weak and hysterical at the sign of high emotion? Not quite - modern science has allowed us to blame our female emotional whims on tiny little chemical imbalances known as ‘naughty hormones’. This means that we react in a stupid and over the top way, and have crazy emotional outbursts for no reason.

Really? Really?! Fuck you. If someone pisses me off, I’m going to be pissed off, regardless of whether I have crazy hormones or not. Maybe the fact that I'm waving a knife in your face has something to do with you, and whatever shit you've just pulled. Don't blame me for you being a massive dickhead! My reaction is perfectly normal, and not exasperated by the fact that I'm female, and may or may not have differing levels of 'naughty hormones'... notthatit'sanyofyourgodamnbusiness... are you a doctor? No I didn't think so. Twat.

Contrary to popular belief, most women are not more emotional when they have fallen to the communists... or are having their lady times. This is because that most of us are in too much pain to argue, and in some cases even speak. Honestly, most men have no idea. On a particularly bad month, communism can render women unable to walk, eat, or stand. I have fainted and collapsed several times from pain, and I don't have a low pain threshold.

Imagine several hamsters being inside your stomach and trying to claw their way out with their little teeth and claws. All day and night. For several days. That's how it feels after 2 paracetamol and 2 ibuprofen. Or mefenamic and anti-spasmodics for the slightly more hardcore. I should imagine that Sigourney Weaver felt something similar to bad period pains just before that alien burst out of her. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if I was walking along one day and an alien burst out of my stomach. If anything, it would explain more than the questions it raised.

Don’t even get me started on how men and women suffer equally because there’s whole levels of female pain that go unnoticed. Physical pain, like armpit epilation. Or hardcore kegels. And you can say that these things are self-inflicted, but let me tell you if your girlfriend stopped doing any of the examples given you’d soon know about it. At least Sigourney was well groomed.

Friday, 23 July 2010

Thursday, 22 July 2010

Overheard #31

Me: You never tell me I’m pretty.
Mum: Oh, I used to… then you got old and ugly.

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Fill Your Heart

"Just remember
Lovers never lose
'Cause they are free of thoughts unpure
And of thoughts unkind
Gentleness clears the soul
Love cleans the mind
And makes it free."

Oh my... there just aren't words to describe David Bowie.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010


Four Things I Am Waiting For

1. The internet
2. The phone line
3. My bed
4. Dinner

Sunday, 11 July 2010

Her Majesty

Her majesty's a pretty nice girl
But she doesn't have a lot to say.
Her majesty's a pretty nice girl
But she changes from day to day.
I wanna tell her that I love her a lot
But I gotta get a belly full of wine.
Her majesty's a pretty nice girl,
Someday I'm gonna make her mine,
Oh yeah, someday I'm gonna make her mine.

Saturday, 10 July 2010

Waiting Professionally

Something that strikes me when skim-reading some blogs of American waiters and waitresses is the frequency with which they mention tips. Something else I have noticed is the distinct lack of blogs from waiters and waitresses in the UK. I have a feeling the two facts are linked.

The American blogs are filled with stories and information which all let their readers know the frequency and amount of tips which they receive. They do their job well, they are rewarded with a tip for good service. In America being a waiter is regarded as a profession. In the UK it is regarded as either an in-between-jobs job, or just a general shit job for anyone that is willing to accept such a dismal wage. This is why there are very few English blogs about how to be a good waiter - no one cares. We're not getting tipped regardless. Good service is expected, as it should be with all jobs. Tips should not be expected.

This would be absolutely fine, if it weren't for the meagre wages. Myself and my colleagues are on 2p above minimum wage. We work ridiculously hard. It seems to me that the harder you have to work in a job, the less you get paid. Our wages are low to anticipate tips. However... and this is a massively fucking stupid however, not only is tipping not customary in the UK - we are not legally allowed to accept tips. This is because of tax or some other stupid reason. So we get the worst of both worlds: we get paid badly, don't get tipped to compensate, no one respects us, and we have very little motivation to care.

I receive tips sparsely. I'm a damn good barmaid and waitress if I say so myself, but I don't expect any tips. I'm not saying that waitressing is my profession of choice, but I do take pride in my job regardless.

Foreigners and families are the most likely to tip. Unfortunately being on the night shift most of the time leaves me with the after-work contractor blokes and the students. Neither are particularly pleasant to serve, and neither tip unless it's a hilarious joke in which they allow me to keep the 1p change. "Oh thank you so much, now I can pay off my student loan!!" Wanker.

Friday, 9 July 2010

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Move It Move It


As you may or may not know, I'm moving house over the next few days and won't have any internet to speak of! So I will see you all soon, remember don't do anything I wouldn't do... or anything I would do... hmmm... just sit there and be quiet until I get back, OK? OK.

Friday, 25 June 2010


'No one wants to look at ugly people.'

Thursday, 24 June 2010

Vampire Sunshine

Why don't you...

go out in the sunshine?

... ever seen a vampire with skin cancer? ... exactly.

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Cardboard Box

I love: packing
I hate: moving house

Monday, 21 June 2010

Literary Balls

I've just had (what I think is) a brilliant idea. But it might be shite. But who knows.

I shan't bore you with the details, because I'm not clear on them myself, but it's basically an idea for another novel/novella. To determine whether or not this particular idea is a massive load of balls I shall have to discuss this further with my literary adviser. Honk.

Sunday, 20 June 2010

Insatiable Whore

I suggest you head over to stuffnoonetoldme.blogspot.com and have a mosey at equally awesome illustrations and witticisms.


Dear Aspiring Musicians,

... this is how it is done.


The Beach Boys

Friday, 18 June 2010


This is ridiculous on so many levels. I was going to rant, but there's just too much idiocy that I don't think I'll bother.

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Just Ringo

Perfectly simple...


You know the phrase, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"? I think the second part to that adage has been omitted. What it should really be is, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... but then make sure no one's pissed in it before you drink it".

We're living in a den of thieves and it's contagious, as Regina Spektor would say. These days you can't trust anyone not to piss all over your well made and perfectly sweetened plans, and that includes yourself. Stay away from the fridge. It is not a toilet.

Then again, there's no point in making lemonade if you're not going to try it, whatever it may be diluted with. Chin, chin!

Wednesday, 16 June 2010


Les sentiments que j'ai envers la langue française sont, je pense, même pour les sentiments que certaines personnes ont pour tequila. J'ai eu trop d'un seul coup, et maintenant je me sens comme je l'ai eu assez pour un temps très long.

Et je peux me sentir à s'aggraver, tout le temps... comme des lésions cérébrales.

Monday, 14 June 2010

The Bechdel Test

You probably think of yourself as a person who knows a fair bit about films. You might even think of yourself as a 'film buff'. Well then, you're a massive misogynist! No, just kidding. Here's what I really want to talk about...

The Bechdel Test created by Alison Bechdel is a way of looking a film to see the female presence. Bear with me. Bechdel stated there were 3 questions she asks before she goes to see a film, and they are:
  1. Does it have more than 2 named female characters in it?
  2. ...That talk to each other?
  3. ... About something other than men?
If you watch the following video this lovely lady will show you a barrage of film posters of unexpected and modern films which do not pass this test.

Think of your top 5 films.


Ok, I'll do mine...

1. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes: Pass - barely, they occasionally talk about ettiquette and money.
2. Annie Hall: Fail - what could you expect from Woody Allen, I mean really, the man married his step daughter.
3. The Graduate: Fail - It's ruddy 'Ben' this and 'Ben' that.
4. Withnail & I: Fail - I don't think there's a single female character, named or unnamed except for the lady in the tea shop.
5. High Fidelity: Fail - two named women, but they don't talk to each other.

So that's a massive fail on a massive scale, then. Yup, yup.

Before you think I'm annoying. The point, as the lady in the video explains, is not that women should take over the world. Passing the test is not a sign whether or not it is a feminist film or a good film. It just determines whether or not there is a female presence, and one which is not seen in reference to men.

It's not a small amount of films, it's the majority of films that I can think of. It's really quite shocking just to see how male orientated the film industry is, and this is something which I will definitely be looking out for.

Sunday, 13 June 2010


‘Signs’ is a really awful film. Mel Gibson makes me want to eat my own face... in a bad way.

Does Mel Gibson hate Jews, or did I just make that up? Maybe he’s Jewish. Maybe He’s masochistic and Jewish, that would explain both. I don’t find him attractive or charming, so that’s persuasive evidence that he’s definitely not Jewish. Also, I just looked it up on ‘Jew Or Not Jew.com’, a website I find myself spending increasing amounts of time on lately. He's not. Quite the opposite, it would seem...

Usually on ‘Jew Or Not Jew.com’ it has the person’s name, then has a few paragraphs explaining them and their relation to the religion, etc. Sometimes it’s complicated, sometimes people have weird parentage or took up Judaism or are too lazy to practice, or are not Jewish but just really love bagels. On Mel Gibson’s page, it just says a massive, emphatic, ‘NO’. So… he’s not, then? Ok.

Someone once told me that a glass of water is known as a ‘Jewish cocktail’. It was probably Mel Gibson actually, thinking about it. Twat. That’s pretty harsh though – just water? Where’s the orange squash at least? And yes, of course you can make orange squash in a cocktail shaker… the real question is why wouldn’t you?

How To Make Perfect Cookie Dough

I don't like to toot my own horn, but I'm fucking amazing. I've recently discovered the perfect cookie dough recipe. But - the genius is in fact not just in how scrummy the cookies are, but the fact that this dough has no egg in it, and so is not only suitable for vegans and pregnant ladies, but it also means that it doesn't need to be cooked. This opens up a whole word of deliciously cellulite producing opportunities...

This cookie dough can be made in bulk, and kept in the freezer if you like. Then you can make cookies quickly whenever you want to, or you can use it in any of the following ways:

  • Mixed in with ice cream
  • Used as icing ontop of chocolate chip cupcakes
  • Adding to a fudge recipe and making 'Cookie Dough Fudge'
  • Baked in a springform tin and used as a cheesecake base
  • Unbaked and spread ontop of a cheesecake instead of a topping
  • Added to a 'Rocky Road' mixture
Here's the recipe:

165g margarine (salted)
75g caster sugar
4 tbsp golden syrup
3 tbsp (ish) milk
1 tsp vanilla extract
260g plain flour
1 1/2 tsp bicarbonate of soda
100g (ish) of chocolate chips

  1. Put oven on 200 Celsius (ish).
  2. Add mix marg and sugar until fluffy. You will need an electric mixer/whisk for this.
  3. Add and mix the syrup, milk and vanilla with the electric mixer also.
  4. Add the flour, bicarb and chocolate chips and mix by hand.
  5. Make into teaspoon sized balls and place on baking tray in the middle of the oven. After 10 minutes keep and eye on them until they look done.
Easy, peasy! I'm liking the sound of that cookie dough fudge... that may be next on my agenda...

Saturday, 12 June 2010

Friday, 11 June 2010

The Good Life

I've been watching The Good Life all day. No, not literally, I've been packing (!) and cleaning whilst watching The Good Life... I have been slightly more productive than a mushroom today.

I love love love The Good Life. This and Bewitched are two programmes I will watch over and over, whether I've seen them before or not.


Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Fluffy Little Beak Man

I don't know what the fuck this is, but it's the best thing I've ever seen and I want one.

Monday, 7 June 2010

Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Ooooo...

I watched 'The Breakfast Club' 3 times in a row the other night. Don’t ask. What I gained from this was much more of an understanding about the film than I had before.

I used to think it was a good film, but it was a shame some of the characters were dickheads, and it was a shame that the freaky girl got a makeover and become generic.

The film is not about the characters changing who they are, and it’s not about them finding their correct label. It’s not about ‘being comfortable with who they are’ because that would involve a definition, and because they’re teenagers and they don’t know who they are yet.

It’s about the intense self-loathing that is innate in everyone. The idea that life is easy for everyone else, but for you it’s a struggle because you’re fundamentally shit. If this secret is revealed then your whole world will explode. This is a fantastic theme for a film, because it’s a subject rarely spoken about, and in fact it is not spoken about in the film, but alluded to.

What the characters of ‘The Breakfast Club’ discover is that everyone is scared, and hates themselves. No one knows who ‘they are’, and everyone is just trying to get on with their lives as best they can. If everyone tried harder to understand other people, then there would be much less conflict. Unrealistic expectations and stereotypes are destructive, and these are the two problems that specifically affect teenagers, but continue into adulthood.

These are interesting concepts, and dissecting them more gave me even more love for this film than ever. Awesome.

Heroes By Nico

So wrong it's right, and so right it's wrong.

Sunday, 6 June 2010

Legally Blonde Ponderings

I just watched Legally Blonde. For probably the billionth time. That's a more or less accurate estimate.

Piss off, it was on television, and I was about to go to bed when I got lured in. Damn you Elle Woods and your hypnotically shiny hair! I love this film, despite the fact that it's more chicky and flicky than someone actually flicking a chick whilst watching Pretty Woman. Aww... I feel bad for the hypothetical chick now. He's free-range - there - I feel a bit better now.

For those of you unacquainted with the film, please believe me when I say it is not lacking in plot nor intelligence. The fact that it's sprinkled with pink and glitter does not detract from the very funny and clever film. Yes, I had to ignore many, many gender stereotypes, but if I can suspend my belief for Harry Potter and shit like that, I can do it for this film too. The character of Elle is able to find the balance of ditsy blonde and intelligent law student, and she is quite adorable.

This is the gist of it:
  1. Elle's boyfriend breaks up with her because he wants to be a senator and "he needs to marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn". He goes to Harvard Law. She decides to get into Harvard Law too so her boyfriend will think she's sensible and clever.
  2. Elle already gets good grades, but has to pass a law exam. She achieves this after an intense studying montage, and gets in due to her grades, passing the exam, and the fact that she's wearing a bikini in her application video.
  3. When she gets to Harvard, everyone is mean to her. She finds out her ex-boyfriend got engaged to a plain girl (who also goes to Harvard) over the summer. After much taunting from this girl, and being disregarded as stupid by her ex-boyfriend, she realises she will never be good enough for him and decides to become top of her class to show them how smart she can be.
  4. After the second studying montage of the film, Elle becomes top of her class and gets an internship along with her ex-boyfriend and his fiance with one of their professor's law firms.
  5. She demonstrates her character and intelligence many times whilst assisting on a murder trial for a woman accused of killing her husband. The woman on trial happens to have been in the same sorority as Elle, and are friends.
  6. Elle's professor who she is working for hits on her, and Elle quits the case. When the woman on trial hears about this, she fires the professor and hires Elle.
  7. Elle wins the case, and lives happily ever after as demonstrated below:

  8. Elle graduates top of her class, becomes best-friends with her ex-boyfriend's now ex-fiance, and is proposed to by the partner of her professor's law firm. They all live blondily ever after. The dog wears a pink jacket. Hooray.
Awesome. Anyway, here are a few things I did not like about the film...
  • The fact that she cares whether her massive shitbag of a boyfriend likes her or not until pretty much halfway through the film.
  • She gets into Harvard, ultimately, because she wears a bikini in her application video.
  • There's too many women exercising. It makes me feel lazy and pervy.
  • The suggestion that montages achieve everything and anything.
  • How mean all the law students are to her because she's blonde and wears pink. They would not be that rude to her, and at least not to her face. They're intelligent, open-minded people - law students aren't allowed to discriminate!
  • 3 people get engaged in this film. It's not four weddings and a bloody funeral! The fact that even at the end when Elle graduates top of Harvard motherlicking Law, she is still not seen as having a fully happy ending until she's married off to a guy with stupid hair.
  • On that note: I'm sorry, but a 6 carats? That's obscene.
  • All men, except the 'nice guy' she ends up with are mean bastards.
  • She is depicted as clearly very intelligent, yet the way she wins the case seems to be a fortunate accident.
Basically, my overall thinking about the film is that it's good if I can ignore the fact that I'm a feminist for an hour and a bit. This is totally doable, because it's ultimately a very fun film to watch, but that doesn't mean that it's for everybody.

Thursday, 3 June 2010


Very nicely done, I think.

Monday, 31 May 2010

Us Two

Wherever I am, there's always Pooh,

There's always Pooh and Me.

Whatever I do, he wants to do,

"Where are you going today?" says Pooh:

"Well that's very odd 'cos I was too.

Let's go together," says Pooh, says he.

"Let's go together," says Pooh.

'What's twice eleven?' I said to Pooh,

('Twice what?' said Pooh to Me)

'I think it ought to be twenty-two.'

'Just what I think my self,' said Pooh.

'It wasn't an easy sum to do,

But that's what it is,' said Pooh, said he.

'That's what it is,' said Pooh.

'Let's look for dragons,' I said to Pooh.

'Yes, let's,' said Pooh to Me

We crossed the river and found a few--

'Yes, these are dragons all right,' said Pooh.

'As soon as I saw their beaks I knew.

That's what they are,' said Pooh, said he.

'That's what they are,' said Pooh.

"Let's frighten the dragons," I said to Pooh.

"That's right," said Pooh to Me.

"I'm not afraid," I said to Pooh,

And I held his paw and I shouted "shoo!

Silly old dragon!" - and off they flew.

"I wasn't afraid," said Pooh, said he,

"I'm never afraid," with you."

So wherever I am, there's always Pooh,

There's always Pooh and Me.

'What would I do?' I said to Pooh,

'If it wasn't for you,' and Pooh said: 'True,

it isn't much fun for One, but Two

Can stick together,'; says Pooh, says he.

'That's how it is,' says Pooh.

-- A. A. Milne.

I had almost forgotten this poem, when Fergus reminded me of it the other day. I looked it up and found that I could almost recite it word for word. It's amazing - children's minds really are like sponges.

Sunday, 30 May 2010

Dancing With An Ant

This video is a work of art. Seriously. If you don't believe me, I suggest you keep watching it until you do. There we go, that wasn't so difficult, was it?

Quite obviously off their tits on Calpol at the time, Jagger's mouth has mystical qualities that can only be described as cavernous, whilst Bowie does some sort of jig which seems to suggest he needs a wee. He bought his shoes from Foot Locker.

What I love about this video is not the homo eroticism, oh no... well, I do love that, but that's not the best thing. The thing I like is that their clothes are far too big for them. This leads me to deduce that:
  • they had £0 budget for this video
  • they had a budget, but spent it all on Calpol and lube
  • they have been shrunk with the lazer from 'Honey, I Shrunk The Kids'
God I hope it's the last one. This means they can use Barbie clothes, with are marginally less expensive than human-sized clothes, but considerably more expensive than a giant shrinking lazer. The massive ant is constantly out of shot, pincers at the ready, threatening to nip at any time should they stop dancing like deformed Russian prostitutes. They have the cheekbones to be Russian prostitutes. I'm just saying. Jagger bears his teeth at every opportunity, like a cat defending his territory.

Speaking of territory: was this, or was this not filmed in a public toilet? They've got the dirty brickwork going, the gay men hanging out, the Russian prostitutes, Bowie needs a wee... the evidence is incontrovertible. What has clearly happened here, after several minutes of considerable thought, is the following:

Bowie and Jagger were all set for a night on the game, and decided to have a drink before hand to deal with their looming sense of guilt and self-hatred. Jagger also had a tickly cough, brought on from too much air in his oesophagus. Unfortunately, what they had forgotten was that they had been shrunk by a lazer earlier that day, and they couldn't drink as much as they usually could. So, after half a shandy each and a bottle of Calpol between them, they prance off to the nearest public toilet, because Bowie needs a wee.

His brand new luminous shoes from Foot Locker attract the attention of a giant ant, which happens to be waiting in the toilets for some prostitutes. Being the respectable and devoted musicians that they are, they decide to persuade the ant, in song, to spare their lives. At the end of the song, the ant remains unconvinced. This footage was edited out of the video.

Saturday, 29 May 2010

Dear Prudence

Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?
Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?

Dear Prudence, open up your eyes
Dear Prudence, see the sunny skies
The wind is low, the birds will sing
That you are part of everything

Dear Prudence, won't you open up your eyes?

Dear Prudence, let me see you smile
Dear Prudence, like a little child
The clouds will be a daisy chain
So let me see you smile again
Dear Prudence, won't you let me see you smile?

Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?
Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?

I would call my daughter Prudence if I didn't think she'd get the piss taken out of her.

These Days

Friday, 28 May 2010

Sound of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence

-- Simon & Garfunkel

Now tell me that's not poetry.

Thursday, 27 May 2010


Alvy Singer: Here, you look like a very happy couple, um, are you?
Female street stranger: Yeah.
Alvy Singer: Yeah? So, so, how do you account for it?
Female street stranger: Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say.
Male street stranger: And I'm exactly the same way.

Monday, 24 May 2010

10 Songs For The Queen To Sing

By popular request of the popular Miss Emily Mews, here are my top 10 songs that I want the Queen to sing.

1. Killer Queen - Queen

Of course. Murderous rampage music video optional, but preferred.

2. Don’t Bo Breaking My Heart - Elton John & Kiki Dee

A duet with Prince Phillip, of course. Tartan suit and dungarees not optional.

3. Love game - Lady Gaga

Hearing the Queen say the words 'disco stick' would, I believe, make my life complete.

4. Dancing Queen - Abba

"One can dance, one can jive."

5. Smack My Bitch Up

I just think it would be hilarious.

6. Victoria - The Kinks

Big up ya nan!

7. Dickhead - Kate Nash

Sung to David Cameron, possibly?

8. Half In Love With Elizabeth - Mystery Jets

She's already in the music video, so she obviously likes the song.

9. God Save The Queen - The Sex Pistols

It had to be on here.

10. I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor

She can sing this to Charles on each one of her many birthdays, whilst he sobs into Camilla's bouffant.

Guess Hans

Four Questions To Ask When Playing 'Guess Who' Drunk

1. Does he have ginger pubes?
2. Does he like crisps?
3. Is he German?
4. Did he steal my pint?

Sunday, 23 May 2010

Overheard #30

Bloke #1: Look at the state of you! Did your mother dress you this morning?
Bloke #2: No... yours did.

Saturday, 22 May 2010


Just the most hilarious baby ever.

Friday, 21 May 2010


I wear glasses... when I absolutely have to. I don't like being anti-glasses, because I'm not when it comes to other people. I just don't like wearing them myself. That is, I don't like the thought of being someone who wears glasses, and I don't know why.

Think of all the famous people you know that wear glasses. Name five. How many of them were male? All of them? Yes, Dame Edna counts as male.

The only famous female I can think of that wears glasses is Diane Keaton, and even that is on and off, and also she's famously androgynous. Sally Jesse Raphael is neither feminine, nor attractive. Glasses do not, it seems, make the wearer more attractive. They alter appearance to produce an artificial image of wisdom, and that's certainly not the image women should be portraying: serious and wise, heavens no, we like our women as stupid as possible. I associate glasses with trustworthiness. I love you, Woody Allen, you dirty old man, but I don't want to look like you.

Also, why is it that the only glasses I could wear without feeling like a librarian from the 90s are the ones that I will wear and feel like a trendy indie librarian wannabe? I've seen some John Lennon glasses that look pretty nice, but they probably won't suit me, because I'm not an arrogant 30-something male musician. Oh, sorry, did you think I could write a post without mentioning The Beatles? A foolish assumption. Basically, I like glasses, I just don't think they suit me. Whether or not this is because I'm female or not cool enough to pull off the nauseatingly over-baked wayfarer look is another matter...

Overheard #29

Bloke: I'd pretty much shag anyone.
Girl: Stevie Wonder?
Bloke: Yeah, blatantly, because he wouldn't know who was doing it.

Thursday, 20 May 2010


For those of us working in bars and pubs, we have a way of measuring how many dickheads are in the building at any given time. This highly scientific method can determine with a 97.8% accuracy the level of twats that you have in your establishment. The way to test this? Smash a glass.

The amount of dickheads can be worked out from the amount of cheers multiplied by the volume of the cheers. Voila! If you ever hear a glass smash, yes, I know, it’s very fun to cheer in a moronic way and be horrendously happy that a glass has been obliterated. Everyone is very happy. Well done for you. That glass had it coming.

People hear glass smashing, they cheer. That’s what goes through their heads. What they don’t think about is the person behind the bar who has potentially cut their arm or face up. Or now won’t be able to work for a while, because some idiotic customer who wasn’t looking where they’re going has walked or fallen onto them carrying a stack of glasses which has scratched up their faces, arms and smashed all over their bloody feet. Yes, let’s all cheer. Hooray! Blood and possible septicaemia!

If you must cheer, find something worth cheering over. I suggest when the barstaff hand you your drink, you get out all your cheering then and there. This will make them happy as well, so everybody wins! Hooray!

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Black Hole

My eyes are so bleary
I guess I'm young but I feel so weary
I've tried to express it
But I think its all a bore
Its at the heart of me,
A very part of me

Speak slowly, I can't hear you
My mind keeps spinning closer and closer to the rain on the roof,
And the rain in my head, and the things that you said
People take it further ahead
And it just gets so foggy
It's nowhere in here
And its everywhere else that I don't wanna be,
But I'm stuck here getting misty over you
I'm alone on a bicycle for two.