Thursday, 20 May 2010


For those of us working in bars and pubs, we have a way of measuring how many dickheads are in the building at any given time. This highly scientific method can determine with a 97.8% accuracy the level of twats that you have in your establishment. The way to test this? Smash a glass.

The amount of dickheads can be worked out from the amount of cheers multiplied by the volume of the cheers. Voila! If you ever hear a glass smash, yes, I know, it’s very fun to cheer in a moronic way and be horrendously happy that a glass has been obliterated. Everyone is very happy. Well done for you. That glass had it coming.

People hear glass smashing, they cheer. That’s what goes through their heads. What they don’t think about is the person behind the bar who has potentially cut their arm or face up. Or now won’t be able to work for a while, because some idiotic customer who wasn’t looking where they’re going has walked or fallen onto them carrying a stack of glasses which has scratched up their faces, arms and smashed all over their bloody feet. Yes, let’s all cheer. Hooray! Blood and possible septicaemia!

If you must cheer, find something worth cheering over. I suggest when the barstaff hand you your drink, you get out all your cheering then and there. This will make them happy as well, so everybody wins! Hooray!

No comments: