Friday, 20 August 2010


Someone I know just got a tattoo of their boyfriend's initial on her forearm. She has known this man for less than two months.

Really, stupid decision aside, the fact that she let him tattoo her despite the fact that he's not a tattooist really took the biscuit. Hilarious! He probably would have spelt it wrong too if it weren't one letter... and his own name.

My dad says that getting a tattoo is like scribbling on the Mona Lisa. Now my dad doesn't say a lot of things, or it might be that I don't listen to him... but either way, this is one of the few things I remember him saying. I don't really mind them, but like everything there's a good and a bad way to go about it. I think my words of advice to my children will be a bit more general: "Try not to be a moron most of the time."

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Into My Life

One of my favourite Beatles songs.

Monday, 9 August 2010


Well, she was just 17,
You know what I mean,
And the way she looked was way beyond compare.
So how could I dance with another, oh
When I saw her standing there.

Well she looked at me, and I, I could see
That before too long I'd fall in love with her.
She wouldn't dance with another, oh
When I saw her standing there.

Well, my heart went "boom,"
When I crossed that room,
And I held her hand in mine...

Well, we danced through the night,
And we held each other tight,
And before too long I fell in love with her.
Now, I'll never dance with another, oh
When I saw her standing there.


I made over £7 tonight in tips off some scousers, and all I had to do was laugh at their jokes. I can do that, no problem. If all customers were like them, I'd pretend to be the happiest fucking person in the world, and pretend that they were the most interesting fucking person in the world. Or at least the pub.

It's not that I'm not nice to customers in general, I'm a motherfucking delight. But all I'm saying is that if people want to get my attention by giving me money, then that's definitely going to work. If I know someone has tipped me or will tip me, I will pay them a lot more attention than any other customers. I will watch how much drink they have left, and chat with them, laugh at their jokes and suggest places to go. It's the difference between a "thank you" and a smile, and a "thanks very much, have a nice evening" and getting my boobs out. Jokes. No one would pay good money for those, it's all about a beaming grin.

So where does making conversation for money turn into something more whoreish? I suppose it's a matter of opinion or personal integrity, but fuck integrity, I'm poor. These scousers were nice enough and much more polite than the majority of my customers. They gave me enough tips to pay for a taxi home so that some other drunk wanker couldn't attack me. You've got to love humanity sometimes.

Saturday, 7 August 2010

I Was Made To Love Her

Which do you prefer? Personally, this is probably the worst Beach Boys song I've heard. However, the overall standard is pretty high, so it's not all bad.

Friday, 6 August 2010

Stupid Price

So I've just done an online weekly shop. Just over a year ago the very same shop would cost me about £50 - now it's costing £100. It's almost impossible to feed 5 people for a week for under £100... which is ridiculous. I did a shop for 4 people over a year ago for £40.

Now I'm watching the news and they're telling me that food prices are going up again. Wheat is apparently the culprit. Well, fuck you wheat! You make my mum feel bloated! Now you're costing far too much! Well, maybe it's time to give wheat the heave-ho!

I don't want to eat solid bloody gold, I would just like some smartprice baked beans that aren't going to burn a hole in my pocket. Before they go in the microwave, that is.


I'm becoming my mother. It's inevitable.

I find myself screaming in horror each time I drop a teaspoon. I laugh uncontrollably when people fall over, and I have a penchant for baking extravagant and fattening cakes. I believe in things that most people think of as nonsense, like gluten intolerance and aroma therapy. I fucking love The Beatles. I sing obnoxiously and dance whether there's music or not. Bum-wiggling is a key dance move. I take great pleasure in embarassing those around me. I swear like a foul-mouthed sailor.

Thank goodness my mum is awesome.

Thursday, 5 August 2010


“Life is without meaning. You bring the meaning to it. The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be."

-- Joseph Campbell

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Monday, 2 August 2010

Overheard #32

Woman #1: (Woman #2's Mum) hasn't got a bit of cellulite on her
Man: What not even in her underwear?!
Woman #2: ...I take loads of pictures of my Mum in her underwear...