Tuesday, 27 July 2010


So I have a blackberry. However I do need to clarify that I am not one of 'those people' who really care whether or not they have a blackberry ... As if it's some sort of statement or something. I needed a better phone. This is better than my old phone. That's about the long and the short of it. The amazing thing (I think) is that I am able to blog on my phone. As a result I am sorry for any spelling or format errors in this post. Just an update to let you know I haven't abandoned my little blog, I'm just waiting for our internet to be installed (still...) But I won't go into that...

Sunday, 25 July 2010


If I’m angry, it’s for a legitimate reason. If I’m sad, it’s for a legitimate reason. It’s possibly your fault. It is certainly not purely the fault of ‘hormones’.

I’m sorry, but have we gone back to the 1800s where women get accused of being weak and hysterical at the sign of high emotion? Not quite - modern science has allowed us to blame our female emotional whims on tiny little chemical imbalances known as ‘naughty hormones’. This means that we react in a stupid and over the top way, and have crazy emotional outbursts for no reason.

Really? Really?! Fuck you. If someone pisses me off, I’m going to be pissed off, regardless of whether I have crazy hormones or not. Maybe the fact that I'm waving a knife in your face has something to do with you, and whatever shit you've just pulled. Don't blame me for you being a massive dickhead! My reaction is perfectly normal, and not exasperated by the fact that I'm female, and may or may not have differing levels of 'naughty hormones'... notthatit'sanyofyourgodamnbusiness... are you a doctor? No I didn't think so. Twat.

Contrary to popular belief, most women are not more emotional when they have fallen to the communists... or are having their lady times. This is because that most of us are in too much pain to argue, and in some cases even speak. Honestly, most men have no idea. On a particularly bad month, communism can render women unable to walk, eat, or stand. I have fainted and collapsed several times from pain, and I don't have a low pain threshold.

Imagine several hamsters being inside your stomach and trying to claw their way out with their little teeth and claws. All day and night. For several days. That's how it feels after 2 paracetamol and 2 ibuprofen. Or mefenamic and anti-spasmodics for the slightly more hardcore. I should imagine that Sigourney Weaver felt something similar to bad period pains just before that alien burst out of her. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if I was walking along one day and an alien burst out of my stomach. If anything, it would explain more than the questions it raised.

Don’t even get me started on how men and women suffer equally because there’s whole levels of female pain that go unnoticed. Physical pain, like armpit epilation. Or hardcore kegels. And you can say that these things are self-inflicted, but let me tell you if your girlfriend stopped doing any of the examples given you’d soon know about it. At least Sigourney was well groomed.

Friday, 23 July 2010

Thursday, 22 July 2010

Overheard #31

Me: You never tell me I’m pretty.
Mum: Oh, I used to… then you got old and ugly.

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Fill Your Heart

"Just remember
Lovers never lose
'Cause they are free of thoughts unpure
And of thoughts unkind
Gentleness clears the soul
Love cleans the mind
And makes it free."

Oh my... there just aren't words to describe David Bowie.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010


Four Things I Am Waiting For

1. The internet
2. The phone line
3. My bed
4. Dinner

Sunday, 11 July 2010

Her Majesty

Her majesty's a pretty nice girl
But she doesn't have a lot to say.
Her majesty's a pretty nice girl
But she changes from day to day.
I wanna tell her that I love her a lot
But I gotta get a belly full of wine.
Her majesty's a pretty nice girl,
Someday I'm gonna make her mine,
Oh yeah, someday I'm gonna make her mine.

Saturday, 10 July 2010

Waiting Professionally

Something that strikes me when skim-reading some blogs of American waiters and waitresses is the frequency with which they mention tips. Something else I have noticed is the distinct lack of blogs from waiters and waitresses in the UK. I have a feeling the two facts are linked.

The American blogs are filled with stories and information which all let their readers know the frequency and amount of tips which they receive. They do their job well, they are rewarded with a tip for good service. In America being a waiter is regarded as a profession. In the UK it is regarded as either an in-between-jobs job, or just a general shit job for anyone that is willing to accept such a dismal wage. This is why there are very few English blogs about how to be a good waiter - no one cares. We're not getting tipped regardless. Good service is expected, as it should be with all jobs. Tips should not be expected.

This would be absolutely fine, if it weren't for the meagre wages. Myself and my colleagues are on 2p above minimum wage. We work ridiculously hard. It seems to me that the harder you have to work in a job, the less you get paid. Our wages are low to anticipate tips. However... and this is a massively fucking stupid however, not only is tipping not customary in the UK - we are not legally allowed to accept tips. This is because of tax or some other stupid reason. So we get the worst of both worlds: we get paid badly, don't get tipped to compensate, no one respects us, and we have very little motivation to care.

I receive tips sparsely. I'm a damn good barmaid and waitress if I say so myself, but I don't expect any tips. I'm not saying that waitressing is my profession of choice, but I do take pride in my job regardless.

Foreigners and families are the most likely to tip. Unfortunately being on the night shift most of the time leaves me with the after-work contractor blokes and the students. Neither are particularly pleasant to serve, and neither tip unless it's a hilarious joke in which they allow me to keep the 1p change. "Oh thank you so much, now I can pay off my student loan!!" Wanker.

Friday, 9 July 2010

Wednesday, 7 July 2010