Friday, 31 October 2008

The Raven

Happy Halloween! (If you're into that sort of thing)

I've got a lovely thing for you, it's Christopher Walken reading The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe. He reads it perfectly and I thought it's fitting with the festivities so why not! Have a listen, it's spookerific!


Thursday, 30 October 2008

Halloween Patrol

Only two today! To make a nice change... and also, I'm tired.

Work - My new job is tiring, but fun!

Halloween - Fun times!

Noisey Neighbours - Our neighbours keep playing really rubbish, really loud music!

Snow Patrol - Let's face it. They're just crap really, aren't they?

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Stupid & Ugly Population

I’ve decided I much prefer living in the macrocosm of the world, as opposed to the microcosm of university. (Shock! I know, what a revelation – university isn’t the world in it’s entirety!) This is because of maths… I think… no I’m not going to do fat maths again, more like ugly and stupid maths.

My theory is, in comparison to the entire population of the world, I would like to think that I wasn’t unattractive or stupid. The rubbish bit occurs when you go to university, and against the entire population of your university (as a microcosm) you are not comparatively attractive, and are actually quite stupid. It’s all to do with percentages – and ages, actually.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t care. I never cared in the first place it’s just an observation, but I’ve realise that these people you see walking around university who look like they’ve just come from a photo shoot or something are actually very sad individuals: you can tell how much time they’ve spent on their appearance. Correct me if I'm wrong but I dont' think makeup is supposed to be a gauge of how much free time you have.

I must say I am jealous of them having enough free time to straighten their hair and apply foundation every bloody morning, but to be honest I’m anaemic and I cycle around 4 miles on a weekday – I could really do with the extra half an hour sleep. It’s enough of a struggle getting through the day and getting 60% of what I want to do done without fainting, falling over, or hitting someone – I shouldn’t have to look attractive whilst doing it.

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

We Real Cool


We real cool. We
Left school. We

Lurk late. We
Strike straight. We

Sing sin. We
Thin gin. We

Jazz June. We
Die soon.

-- Gwendolyn Brooks

Andrew Sachs

You may have heard about this...

Part 1

Part 2

Althought I'm not very fond of Jonathan Ross, and Russell Brand occasionally annoys me, I thought it was quite funny.

If you don't want to listen to it, as it is rather long, basically it's Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand calling Andrew Sachs (Manuel in Fawlty Towers) to see why he wasn't at their interview. It descends into a bizarre prank call where it is revealed that Russell Brand has slept with his granddaughter.

But don't worry, they make up for it by calling him back many times (once with a song), and Russell Brand asks "If [he] can marry - that's right MARRY... your granddaughter, 'Georgina the granddaughter'" with plans of a "Fawlty Towers themed wedding". He then screams, "I'm sorry! I'll do anything! I wore a condom!! Put the phone down!! Ahhhhhh!! Noooooo!! Look, I've got a mental illness..." I particularly liked the song.

I feel like I should be outraged, but it's too funny.

Monday, 27 October 2008

Beep Reverse Beep

Why don't you...
reverse around a corner?

...because no one ever does after they pass their test!

Sunday, 26 October 2008

Happy Birthday Blog!

Hooray again! It's's birthday today! (Except it was yesterday but I haven't gone to sleep yet so it still counts... I've been very busy busy working working working!)

That's right it's been a whole year of ridiculousness and telling people things they didn't want to know or even need to know! Good times!

To commemorate this momentous occasion, I thought it would be nice to remind everyone how awesome I am. So here is my top 10 blog posts from the last year:


How To Be Nice


How To Fly Long-Haul

The Ballard Of The Mallard


Top 10 Ambiguous Songs

Top 10 90s Songs

No Such Thing


I say that, but there may be other ones. These are the ones I can see from quickly looking through the titles, but I don't know. It's sort of like choosing a favourite mole, they're all pretty rubbish and ugly and might end up killing you one day. Bad analogy alert.

Any ideas what ones should be in the top 10? I may change my list.

Saturday, 25 October 2008


Why am I always so tired? Anaemia can’t possibly be the only cause.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just lazy. How is it that everyone else seems to be able to run around all day and get everything done but I’m just exhausted all the time?

Is it still called laziness if you’re about to faint?

Friday, 24 October 2008


Hoorah! This is officially my 300th blog post! Woop! Woop!

I would like to pre-emptively thank you for your humbled congratulations for my awesomeness. Yes, I know, yet more proof that I need to get a hobby or something and stop pestering the internet.

I would do a list but it just so happens that there's a certain blog's birthday coming up veeery soon... woop again!

Quite Like

4 Songs You Might Not Know, But Might Quite Like

  1. Lykke Li - Little Bit

  2. Lightspeed Champion - Midnight Surprise

  3. Vincent Vincent and the Villains - On My Own

  4. These New Puritans - Elvis

Thursday, 23 October 2008

Pickley Cobwebs

Thiiiings... can only get betterrrrr... can only get, can only get, can only get better! Now I've written a blooooog...

Pickles - Words can't describe how much I love pickles. It makes me want to cry how yummy they are. I'm currently mourning a sandwich which I just ate. Pickley goodness!

Writing - I wrote my first article for the student newspaper! It was very boring, but they told me what to write so I shall blame them. I am starting an article soon which will be about music or entertainment so that should be much more interesting!

Finished Essay - I finished a 3000 word essay on 'the fragmentation of self' in Jekyll and Hyde... and it's not completely rubbish. I showed my tutor and she said it looks promising. Hoorah! You'll always get praised for using the Oedipus complex as an example... but I think they're all just pervs to be honest.

Cobwebs - There's been a cobweb on my window for about a month now. It's on the outside, so how am I supposed to get rid of it?! Sorry, Spiders are not welcome... especially that weird bloke from Eastenders (or was it Corrie?)

Epilating - Bad times. I'm considering retiring.

Loan - I got my loan, which is a good thing, but now I have to pay it back, which I'd rather not do.

Wednesday, 22 October 2008

Overheard #3

Bloke 1 (singing, badly): "What's new pussycat?"

Bloke 2: If I ever meet Tom Jones I'm going to stamp on his face.

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Good Boob Days

I don't believe in the 'good hair day'. If I wake up and my hair's a state it's because I've left it to dry on it's own or slept on it stupidly.

However, I am a believer in the 'good boob day'. Yes, those wonderful days where you think "My boobs really are looking fantastic today!" Of course, bad boobs days exist, but that's just tit for tat... ahahahahahaha!

Monday, 20 October 2008

Happy Little Stone

How happy is the little stone
That rambles in the road alone,
And doesn't care about careers,
And exigencies never fears;
Whose coat of elemental brown
A passing universe put on;
And independent as the sun,
Associates or glows alone,
Fulfilling absolute decree
In casual simplicity.

-- Emily Dickinson

Sunday, 19 October 2008

Ukulele Love

4 Reasons I Love The Ukulele

  1. It's small, and so more in proportion with my little arms!
  2. It doesn't squish my boobs (unlike a guitar - there's no where to put them, it's rubbish!)
  3. It's easier and quicker to learn songs on, so it's more fun!

Saturday, 18 October 2008

Overheard #2

Girl: And then he said "You weigh 7 stone 8", and I was like, "Yeah, so does Michael Jackson and he's doing pretty well for himself!"

Thursday, 16 October 2008

Stupid Covertopotamus Genocide

Just a little one today - you don't need explanations - you're not that stupid.

Covert Operations - How exciting!

Skype - It's green (and blue), it's great... what more do you want?!

The Hiphopopotamus - His lyrics are bottomless!

Conjugations - C'est difficile!!

Beds - We have too many and they won't be taken away by our landlord! Bastard!

Genocide - It's bad... apparently.

Oscar Wilde

Hoorah! It’s Oscar Wilde’s birthday today! If the cheeky little scamp was still alive, he would be 154 years old!

Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde a.k.a Oscar Wilde.

Oscar Wilde was born in Dublin. He studied at Trinity College in Dublin and then Magdalen College at Oxford. He returned to Ireland occasionally, but spent the majority of his time between London, Paris and America.

He was born in 1854, and died in 1900, so at least he got to party like it was 1899!

Oscar Wilde was a poet, playwright, novelist and one of the most widely quoted human beings of all time. This is undoubtedly due to his wit, which is only paralleled by his modern doppelganger, Mr Stephen Fry.

His only novel, ‘The Picture Of Dorian Gray’ is one of my favourite books, it’s absolutely brilliant. His plays, (which I won’t name because I’m sure you know them) are still around today and are constantly being made into films. I highly recommend 'The Importance of Being Ernest' with Colin Firth and Rupert Everett in it.

Oscar Wilde married Constance Lloyd in 1884. They had two sons: Cyril and Vyvyan. Obviously, he was bisexual or gay, his most famous partner was called Bosie. This is also (by no coincidence) the name of my laptop. What fun. Allegedly he had a relationship with Walt Whitman! Which I didn’t know until I had a look around. I like Walt Whitman a lot more now. Good taste, sir.

There's a statue of Oscar Wilde in Dublin looking very gay indeed.

If you ever get the opportunity to watch the film ‘Wilde’ – do it! You get to see Stephen Fry being amazing, and Jude Law singing like a little girl!

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Broken Chairs

You know, I could really have done with this a while ago. Great idea, anyway, the amount of broken chairs you find thrown out around a city is ridonculous - I thought we were supposed to be saving money and the environment? This sounds like a good solution to me. Also, old chairs look pretty, so it's a win/win situation!

I recently stole/borrowed/rescued a chair from being thrown out - a really nice, really old chair which was broken in the middle. I fixed it up with a little help from my dad and his carpentry skills (which always seem to appear from nowhere) and now the beautiful chair is sat looking pretty in my room. It never gets used, but that's not the point. It looks nice, and more importantly I was proud to have fixed it up and to save a chair that would otherwise have been sent to chair hell (it's like monkey hell but with chairs).

I think all chairs should be aquired this way. I'm just saying... it makes sense.

Tuesday, 14 October 2008


I thought this was hilarious. I particularly like 'Congratwat Jody Clarry'.

The Many Faces Of Paul Simon

4 People Paul Simon Has Looked Like
  1. Har Mar Superstar
  2. Austin Powers
  3. Freddie Mercury
  4. Paul Simon

Monday, 13 October 2008

Top 10 Flight of the Concords Songs

10. I'm Not Crying

"I’m not upset because you left me this way/ My eyes are just a little sweaty today"

9. A Kiss Is Not A Contract

"Just because you've been exploring my mouth/ Doesn't mean you get to take an expedition further south"

8. Sellotape

"Brown paper, white paper/ Stick it together with tape/ The tape of love"

7. Bret, You've Got It Going On

"Why can't a heterosexual guy tell a heterosexual guy that he thinks his booty is fly?"

6. Albi The Racist Dragon

"What are you doing here, I thought I killed you yesterday! (grumbled Albi quite racistly)"

5. Business Time

"When I’m down to my socks it’s time for business/ That’s why they’re called business socks"

4. Foux Da Fa Fa


3. Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenocerous

"They call me the Hiphopopotamus/ Flows that glow like phosphorous/ Poppin' off the top of this esophagus/ Rockin' this metropolis/ I'm not a large water-dwelling mammal/ Where did you get that preposterous hypothesis?"

2. Muther 'Uckers

"The mutha ucka runs a racist uckin' grocery/ The mutha ucka won't sell an apple to a Kiwi"

1. Inner City Pressure

Counting coins on the counter of the 7-11,/ From a quarter past six 'til a quarter to seven,/ The manager Bevan starts to abuse me/ Hey man, I just want some Muesli"

Sunday, 12 October 2008

Venn Vill I See You Again...?

I passed my driving test the other day, so I thought I should probably say something about it because I am rather pleased with myself.

Saying that, I've known I have been able to drive for quite some time now, and the fact that I needed to go through all that rhubarb just to prove it is a load of balls if you ask me. It's bastarding bureaucracy defining people by which pieces of paper they have... and it pisses me off. Anyway, I don't care anymore because I've passed so hoorah! Hoorah indeed!

I have now entered the ranks of people who drive cars. The glamourous world of Lewis Hamilton, Gary Numan and Noddy. Unfortunately, there's no song about my car so in a venn-diagram I would be stuck in a circle with Lewis Hamilton.

However, if we bring in a 'people who wear hats' feature to this diagram, I would still be in the same circle as Lewis Hamilton... damn... I've seen him wearing quite a lot of hats. But I tell you what that bloke doesn't have... is a bitchin' blog with venn-diagrams! Stick that in your exhaust and smoke it!

What we can conclude from this diagram, is that Noddy is at the center of everything.

Update: This diagram is now inaccurate, as Sarah has just written me a song about my car. It's pink and shiny! Woop!

Saturday, 11 October 2008

Men's Needs

Out of interest, which one of these versions do you prefer?

Just askin'.

Friday, 10 October 2008

How To Get A Job - Part 2

Right, now we’re suited and booted and raring to go – let’s hand out those beautiful CVs.

If you’re in a position where you can be picky about where you work, then I would suggest doing a search on google or to find the type of shop you would preferably like to work in. It can tell you how far from your address it is too, which is quite handy.

If you’re a ‘beggar’, and consequently it is impractical for you to simultaneously be a ‘chooser’ then your best bet it to literally walk around wherever it is you’d like to work and give every shop, cafĂ©, and brothel your CV. Go to the high street and pop a CV in to every shop you can get to, it might mean you hand them out to places you don’t like, but what did I tell you about being a ‘chooser’?! No way, Jose!

Go to places other people might not have thought of – hotels need a lot of staff but often people don’t think of them because they’re not a shop or a bit out of the way. Smaller offices are also good places to try.

Always, always ask your friends and family if they know of any jobs that are going. They might have a friend of a friend of a dog who needs someone to work in an ice cream factory for them for £100 an hour. This is how I’ve ended up in 50% of my jobs so far, so it’s definitely a good idea to ask.

It’s always better to hand out more CVs than you think you should. The more people that have it, the more interview offer you will get, and you can always turn them down if something better comes along.

When you go into the shop and do the following:
  • Have a look around before you try to talk to the staff
  • Wait until they’re not busy to talk to them
  • Talk to the person who looks the friendliest
  • If possible, buy something
  • Be friendly, and make some sort of comment or observation that makes you seem friendly – talk to them because you want them to want to work with you!
  • Speak clearly
  • Listen to them
  • If they say no, ask them if they know when they will be in the future
  • If they say no again, ask if you can give them your CV to get back to you if anything comes up
  • Give them a cheeky, cheeky little grin
  • Skip out of the store like a magical pixie, flapping your arms as if they were wings
The last point is optional.

So, now you’ve handed them out, it's time to have a nice cup of tea and stress over your financial situation! And maybe have a biscuit too!

They may or may not get back to you in a week or so. If you’ve heard nothing after 3 weeks then I’d keep looking. It could be that they’re keeping your CV on file and you’ll get a call from them in 4 months time when you’ve forgotten all about them, or have resorted to going on the game, or worse – McDonalds.

If you're a lucky little goose you might get an interview. I may or may not write about interviews, because to be honest I'm shockingly bad at interviews and the only reason anybody has given me a job as a result of one is that they felt sorry for me after I'd made such an enormous arse of myself.

Thursday, 9 October 2008

Clever French Fridges

A big thankies to my dearest Kirsty, who reminded me to write this while it is still Thursday. Hoorah!

French - Oh yes, I am returning to the language from the land of baguettes, jus d'orange, Jacque Cousteau and various other stereotypically French objects! I'm doing French as part of my degree! Je l'aime!

Misty - The hedgehog. For something with such shitty feet she's very pretty.

Being Clever - University is good times, yes yes.

Illness - I’m ill. It’s rubbish ill because it’s a cold, and not even a big enough cold to warrant any sympathy. It is, however the type of cold which makes you feel fine one minute and then exhausted the next. Also, my nose is creaking. I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to do that. It sounds like a pirate ship but with less cannons.

Reading – I’ve done all the good reading for my course, now I’m left with the dregs that I deliberately left because they don’t particularly interest me. Who knows, they might be great. I’ll have to read them and find out.

Fridge - Our fridge is broken. Not only is this wasting our food which is slowly decomposting in our kitchen, but it's making the kitchen untidy which is even more stressful than having no food. Boo! Boo indeed!

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Fucking Khakis

“You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis.”

-- Tyler Durden, Fight Club

Tuesday, 7 October 2008


4 Things I Have Compared My Nose To In The Last Week
  1. A Tap
  2. A Mushroom
  3. A Ski Slope
  4. A Pirate Ship

Monday, 6 October 2008

How To Get A Job - Part 1

I’ve had a fair few jobs in my time, and I’d like to share my words of wisdom on the matter.

If you want a job that is a full-time permanent position, I would suggest going to an agency that will sort you out good and proper.

Firstly, you’ll need a CV. If you haven’t already got a CV then shame on you, you ridiculous shoe, make one immediately! Gala Darling’s CV How-To is brilliant, and this website’s not too shabby either.

Obviously, your CV needs:
  • Your details: name, address, phone number, email etc.
  • Your work experience (most recent first- but you don’t have to put dates as long as it states how long you were there for)
  • Your qualifications
  • Any additional information or skills you may have
  • Two references
You will also need a cover letter for your CV, because your CV will feel naked without it and a naked CV is not only rather rude and inappropriate, but possibly illegal. A good cover letter should include:
  • Who you are (briefly)
  • What job you’re applying for
  • Where you saw the job advertised
  • Why you would be good at the job/What relevant experience you have
  • Any extra information that, quite frankly, isn’t any of your CV’s business!
It should be formal and make you sound brilliant, but not arrogant. It should also finish with something like, “Thank you for reviewing my application, I hope to hear from you soon” or “Thank you for taking the time to consider my application”. Something nice and polite, like. Try not to repeat things that are in your CV unless you’re trying to emphasise a point or something you think will be beneficial (“I have twenty Olympic gold medals” “I have a dog called Rasputin who can communicate with wheely bins”).

You can print it off on nice paper, or coloured paper if you so choose. I chose purple envelopes (naturally) and white paper to jazz things up a bit. The girl in Lush seemed very impressed, and I genuinely think it does make a difference, although it’s not entirely necessary. It really depends what type of job you’re looking for and what type of people you want to work with. Cool job/people = cool stationary.

Now it’s time for handing out these beautiful CVs… I’m afraid you’ll have to wait until Part 2 for that exciting venture!

Sunday, 5 October 2008

Social Networking Sonnet

(Perhaps you may like to familiarise yourself with Shakespeare's Sonnet 18 before reading this.)

Shall I compare thee to a social networking site?
Thou art more addictive and more time consuming:
Tough cheese for those who liked old facebook,
And Myspace’s popularity had all too short a date:
Sometimes too hot my laptop is overused,
And oft’ the internet connection breaks;
And every friend request sometime declines,
And some unflattering photographs de-tagged:
But thy eternal popularity shall not fade
Nor lose possession of our free time;
Nor shall our grandparents miss this trend,
Now an eternal waste of time thou growest:
As long as students can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives facebook, and this gives entertainment to thee.

Saturday, 4 October 2008

Album Titles

4 Albums Titles That Sadly, Probably Won't Happen
  1. 20 Greatest Accordion Solos
  2. Now!... That's What I Call A Bat Mitzvah!
  3. Terminal Margaret: Greatest (S)Hits
  4. Billy Joel Gets Crunk

Friday, 3 October 2008


I've got a lot of respect for this man. I say respect, what I really mean is a sort of a whimsical intrigue. Brilliant blog idea. Truly inspired.

If I were a man and I had such a fascinating thing as facial hair (no jokes please, girls don't take facial hair jokes well... as any man who has dared to make such a joke will know) I would certainly see what weird and wonderful things I could get it to do or look like. I may consider lightning-bolt sideburns.

I'd like to test how people treated me differently if I had different styles of beards. This is assuming I look like a man in the first place, if I still had a girl's face I would probably not get an accurate response. (Quote: "If I were a man")

Who knows, maybe in the future they'll be making everyone have huge beards as a sort of eco-friendly scheme to help our faces retain heat energy, and beards will be the must-have accessory for 'green' middle class yuppy types ("Oh dear, oh dear, recession - let's shop at Tesco instead of Sainsburys!") male or female, young or old, dog or cat.


Thursday, 2 October 2008

Happy Bike Sodomy


University - Obviously, I started university this week. How very exciting. I hate to think that I'm a stupid fresher, but I am really, aren't I? Still, at least I'm not rude, which is more than I can say for some of our neighbours. University has been good so far, but then I've only been there three days!

Happy Fergus - It's good to know, because when Fergus is happy, Sophie is happy - it's as simple as that.

Coxing - I possibly may or may not be learning to be a cox with the rowing society. Whether I will or not is another thing, but the possibility is enough. I'm small and can shout loudly when I need to - so I'm pretty much over-qualified. Let's not laugh at the name now children.

Loud Music - Rude bastarding neighbours keep waking us up at all hours playing their shitty, shitty music. It's not big, and it's not clever, and we will call the bloody police. You stupid, childish, selfish bastards.

Bike Woes - My bike is making a weird noise. I think the chain is buggered or something, so whoever has been practicing sodomy on my bike if you could please refrain it would be very much appreciated.

ID - My university ID won't be ready for about 2 weeks, so I can't visit the gorgeous library (you know how sad I am about libraries) or get things for cheapies with my student discount! Boo indeed.

Wednesday, 1 October 2008


If I were a skeleton
I'd play tunes on my bones
I'd keep things in my ribcage
And put candles up my nose...


If I were a squishy slug
I'd be slimey and fat
I'd squelch around the garden
And get eaten by the cat...


If I were a monkey
I'd have little monkey hands
I'd hit people with bananas
Until they met with my demands...


If I were a blogger
I'd write a load of shit
I'd make it rhyme, so it sounded nice
And make my friends read it...


Feel free to add some verses of your own*... it's a fun game... it's supposed to be sung and I imagine it would be quite fun to play whilst drunk.

*Excluded: The phrase "Shit on" The words: "Mum" & "Dog"


Happy 1st of October!

Pinch and a punch and all that rhubarb!