How to be 'Nice'

'Nice' is not a difficult thing to be, it is a difficult thing to try and be. Niceness can't be taught or feigned, it’s an innate characteristic – think intelligence with humility and ambition with thoughtfulness. Quite simply: if you think you are nice, you are not (see: humility).

Faux niceness is often manifested in the form of ettiquette. Ettiquette is a load of bollocks, as Coco Chanel once asserted in a slightly more tactful manner. If you’re past the age of 18 and don’t open doors for people, you probably never will. This doesn’t make you not nice, not does it make you thoughtless. Being ‘thoughtless’ implies there should have been a thought in the first place, or, at least, that there was a deliberate act. And who made up ettiquette anyway?! By the time you’re old enough to be reading this, ettiquette is either automatic, or not. By not performing a ritualistic action you do not become ‘not nice’, just a bit rude and/or stupid maybe. It is entirely possible to be rude, stupid and nice simultaneously (see: Men).

Some people seem naturally nice (Stephen Fry, as seen here knitting in a cravatte). Some people feign it (David Campbell as seen up his own arse). You see the difference – while one is quite charming, the other is a smarmy Tory bastard.

All in all, this blog is pretty pointless. Not only because no one will read it, but also because it is impossible to define a subjective quality (which explains why David Campbell is the leader of the Conservatives... oooh getting political!)

The people whom I find nice may come across as smarmy bastards to someone else.
If you act like yourself, people will either like you, or they won’t. If you try and act nice, they will think you’re a twat. If you try and be a twat, they will think you’re a twat. This is because the majority of people are naturally inclined to think you’re a twat.
This is not pessimism: it’s realism, unfortunately.