Dancing With An Ant

This video is a work of art. Seriously. If you don't believe me, I suggest you keep watching it until you do. There we go, that wasn't so difficult, was it?

Quite obviously off their tits on Calpol at the time, Jagger's mouth has mystical qualities that can only be described as cavernous, whilst Bowie does some sort of jig which seems to suggest he needs a wee. He bought his shoes from Foot Locker.

What I love about this video is not the homo eroticism, oh no... well, I do love that, but that's not the best thing. The thing I like is that their clothes are far too big for them. This leads me to deduce that:

• they had £0 budget for this video
• they had a budget, but spent it all on Calpol and lube
• they have been shrunk with the lazer from 'Honey, I Shrunk The Kids'

God I hope it's the last one. This means they can use Barbie clothes, with are marginally less expensive than human-sized clothes, but considerably more expensive than a giant shrinking lazer. The massive ant is constantly out of shot, pincers at the ready, threatening to nip at any time should they stop dancing like deformed Russian prostitutes. They have the cheekbones to be Russian prostitutes. I'm just saying. Jagger bears his teeth at every opportunity, like a cat defending his territory.

Speaking of territory: was this, or was this not filmed in a public toilet? They've got the dirty brickwork going, the gay men hanging out, the Russian prostitutes, Bowie needs a wee... the evidence is incontrovertible. What has clearly happened here, after several minutes of considerable thought, is the following:

Bowie and Jagger were all set for a night on the game, and decided to have a drink before hand to deal with their looming sense of guilt and self-hatred. Jagger also had a tickly cough, brought on from too much air in his oesophagus. Unfortunately, what they had forgotten was that they had been shrunk by a lazer earlier that day, and they couldn't drink as much as they usually could. So, after half a shandy each and a bottle of Calpol between them, they prance off to the nearest public toilet, because Bowie needs a wee.

His brand new luminous shoes from Foot Locker attract the attention of a giant ant, which happens to be waiting in the toilets for some prostitutes. Being the respectable and devoted musicians that they are, they decide to persuade the ant, in song, to spare their lives. At the end of the song, the ant remains unconvinced. This footage was edited out of the video.