Family Affair

Sometimes it takes an outsider to make you realise what your family is like. I'm currently living with a lot of my family, and a few friends which are considered as family. One of our friends who has been living with us has his girlfriend staying over at the moment, and she came round last night to meet 'the family'. Scary stuff.

As she walked through the door at around 8pm, my cousin was trying to put her toe up my nose when I wasn't looking. My dad and uncle were well on their way to being shitfaced on Peroni. My other cousin and brother were playing Grand Theft Auto. My 70 year old aunt was throwing clothes out of her bag, swearing, and jumping on it in an attempt to fit everything in, before my mum reminded her that there was a china tea set in there. Everyone else was making or drinking tea.

The second she sat down she looked truly terrified. Quite rightly too, but we're all very nice really. My cousin tried on her shoes, tea was promptly offered, and everyone commented on how pretty she was. My aunt demanded I showed her all the dresses I'd bought today and guess the prices individually, "BARGAINS, BARGAINS, BARGAINS!" she screamed with bargainous excitement. My cousin was already convincing the poor girl's boyfriend to buy her a Tiffany engagement ring, but this was good because it diverted attention from my dad's disgusting comments about a woman on TV.

The dogs, who are very friendly, were excited to meet her and kept jumping on her. She didn't seem to mind which is a good sign.

Then an argument began, I can't remember what it was about but at some point someone called someone else a "rude piece of shit" and two people stormed off. My aunt instructed the girl to never have children. This would have been OK, I suppose, if it were a little less enthusiastic, but as it was, it seemed very sincere and ended in her comparing her children to dogs.

Someone in the kitchen began crying for some reason not related to the argument. I told everyone to shut up because House was on, and my mum joined me in openly perving on Hugh Laurie. She'd had three glasses of wine, I'd had three cups of tea.

Another, unrelated argument began somewhere else but I, as usual, tuned it out and watched House. It was something to do with the calendar. My brother loudly told everyone that my cousin had just shat himself, which caused another argument to begin as to why my cousin was still awake this time on a school night.

My uncle returned from the airport, having left his passport (how stupid can you get) in his bedroom. Hilarity ensued.

My cousin saw an advert for a 'Baby Jingles' in a magazine, and decided she was going to buy me one. I told her I was going to buy her a PedEgg, but decided it was too expensive and I'd just get her a cheese grater. She resumed attempting to put her toes up my nose and in my ears, so I kicked her in the face... by mistake?

To add to the mayhem, English is her third language. Poor girl. She at least left with everyone thinking she was a very nice (if quiet) girl.

I think what I can conclude from this is that I love my family. To spend this much time with them and not kill them all, I really must.