Naff Song, Nice Song

It's like 'Can't Cook, Won't Cook', only Neil Diamond's getting in on the action. ...Whatever happened to 'Can't Cook, Won't Cook'? Did Ainsley Harriot get too old to shimmy? And why was it called that, because they seemed to do a lot of cooking to me!

These songs are all utterly naff-tacular, but they're also awesome-tacular.

1. Come on Eileen - Dexy's Midnight Runners



"We are much too young and clever."

2. Hi Ho Silver Lining - Jeff Beck



Various clips of Obama to Hi Hi Silver Lining - it's got to be done.

3. Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond

DUH DUH DUUUUUUHHHHHH...!!

4. Faith - George Michael



I have ridiculous memories of listening to this song whilst doing my paper round on cold Sunday mornings.

5. Bad Case Of Loving You - Robert Palmer

6. We Didn't Start The Fire - Billy Joel



7. Easy Lover - Phil Collins



8. Crocodile Rock - Elton John



ELTON JOHN ON THE MUPPETS DRESSED LIKE CARMEN MIRANDA'S FEATHER DUSTER. YES.

8. Robert De Niro's Waiting - Bananarama



...Talkin' Italian.

10. Tell Her About It - Billy Joel



Utterly fabulous. One of the best song writers in the history of the world. With such good advice, it's rather worrying that he's been divorced three times.

Honourable mention goes to the entire Savage Garden catalogue, but I just couldn't face listening to their godamn whining today, or most other days for that matter.

Red Two

Plate Spinning

I have decided that if I was really rich, this is what I would do:

I would go to a really fancy restaurant and ask for a table which is on the small side. Then I would order lots and lot food on big plates. Once the food had arrived, I wouldn't eat it - I would just look at it, and then order more and more food to look at. Much more food than could fit onto this tiny little table! I would then laugh hysterically as the fancy waitors had to work out how to fit all these plates onto this tiny little table, whilst ordering more things on massive plates, and refusing to move due to the fabulous feng shui.

Mug Perfection

I am a simple girl of simple pleasures. Nothing compares to the pure joy of finding that perfect mug from which to drink your tea.

I purchased such a mug today, and am currently drinking a cup of tea from it. I can only describe the experience as a motherfucking delight. Whoever designed this mug is the next Brunel, I'm sure of it. They've cracked the code - but not the ceramic.

Here is a link to such a mug. I'm hoping that Matalan will now send me 50 mugs for free, as I intend on refusing to drink from anything else in the future.

True

So I've not done this whole blog thing for a while, and I can't tell you why.

If I told you why, I'd have to kill you. That's why. If I told you the real reason you wouldn't believe me. Basically, it's got something to do with all of the following:

- Jam
- 'Hungry Hungry Hippos'
- Chair Legs
- Badminton
- Tchaikovsky
- Icebergs
- Iceberg Lettuce
- The Human Anatomy
- Welsh

The real reason I can't tell you why is that there is no reason, I'm just shit. But a very busy shit, so don't expect the same level of vapid balderdash.

Kramer

The main thing I don't like about Kramer vs. Kramer is how two beautiful people such as Meryl Streep and Dustin Hoffman can create such a boring and, more importantly, blonde child.



Wouldn't it be hilarious if at the end of the film she was like "He's not yours anyway... lolz!" Oh Meryl... that's just not kosher.

Lady Pimp

"Ladies is pimps too!"

Overheard #37

In the girl's toilet of a gay club.

Girl Looking For Friend in Cubicle: Hannah?!
Gay Bloke Coming Out of Cubicle: No love I'm not Hannah, but I am gay.

Ding

And the sun sets the scene, while the rain misses me
And all the time I'll be growing, growing up beside you

Also loving the hilarious and unnecessary old man on backing vocals and cymbals.

Benny & Joon

Just watched this film for the millionth time. It never gets old. Much like Johnny Depp. That's a lie, he's getting a bit ropey now. Anyway, here he is being funny and looking beautiful.

Pimms Jam

So, I'm currently obsessed with making jam. The latest and most awesome of my jammy ventures was thought-up by Fergus: Pimms Jam.

Oh my goodness it is yummy, and it's helping towards my aim of having both fruit and alcohol with every meal.

Here's the recipe (for 1 jar):

Pimms Jam Recipe

400g Strawberries
100g Apple*
1 Orange
1 Lemon
Mint Leaves
450g Sugar
Water
100-200ml Pimms



1. Cut the strawberries and apple into teensy pieces and boil with just enough water to cover.
2. When mooshy, push through a sieve into a heavy-bottomed pan (they make the rocking world go round). Throw the dried mush away.
3. Add 450g sugar to the sieved liquid. Add the zest of an orange, and the juice of a lemon. Add several fresh mint leaves.
4. Boil until it reaches 105 degrees, or, if you don't have a thermometer, put a few blobs on a pre-chilled plate and if they quickly solidify then your jam will set.
5. Add 100-200ml of Pimms, depending how strong you want it.
6. Bring to the boil again, but not for long.
7. Put jam into a sterilsed jar.

I have made Pimms Jam Tarts, which are very nice. Next stop is Pimms Jam cream tea! Ooooh...!

*I realise apples aren't very pimmsy, but they are necessary for the pectin.

Chewy

"When you are young, 20 or 25, you go out with your friends and you eat and drink and talk, and you have a good time. You don’t even care about the food. You know there’s food because one of the drinks is chewy.

Sometimes you wake up in your own house or somebody else’s, and you think ‘Hurray, the teleporter worked again!'"

-- Dylan Moran

I totally saw him live, and he was awesome.

Gainsbourg

Serge Gainsbourg repulses me aesthetically, but also just by sheer fact of being.

I mean just look at that pervy French face! His eyelids are so exhausted from looking down ladies tops they're dragging themselves down his face towards his bristly jowls. You just know he reeks of sweat, garlic and tobacco. The only reason he smokes so much anyway is to conceal the smoke emitted from his burning desire to shag everything he sees.

So that's how I feel about Serge Gainsbourg.

Street Pastors

I met a girl outside the pub I work in tonight after we had closed. She had cut her foot on some broken glass as she was not wearing any shoes down a very busy street on a Saturday night.

Her friend asked us for a plaster, and we were apprehensive because a lot of people try ask us for a lot of things and we usually tell them to piss off. Then we saw how badly she'd cut her foot and got her an anti sceptic wipe and a plaster. She had cut it so badly it was dripping blood all over the pavement, it was a very deep cut across the whole of the bottom of her foot. My guess is she will need stitches. The anti sceptic wipe barely did anything as she drunkenly kept falling onto the dirty pavement spreading blood as she did.

We told her to find some street pastors, and just as she was walking off to find some, they came round the corner. Do you know what a street pastor is? Street pastors are like angels for drunk people. They go around the streets on Fridays and Saturdays and sweep up broken glass, give flip flops to girls who are walking bare feet, break up fights, and get drunk people home safely. They are like guardian angels for binge drinkers. Anyway, these guys sat the girl down, managed to clean her wound and stop it bleeding, then took her off somewhere safe. She was very lucky.

They are a Christian founded organisation, but they don't mention anything about religion when they help people, and that's not the point - their intention is simply to help. I think they're wonderful.

After seeing a few examples of their fine work, but tonight in particular, I have decided to donate to them. They work for free, but their equipment needs donations. My pub will be donating regularly to them. Before people say it, of course it would make more sense for people not to get in that state in the first place, but now we've made our own disgusting bed, and the street pastors are here to make it a little bit more comfortable. As someone who all-too-soberly witnessess one of the busiest and most violent streets in the UK every weekend, I know that we need a service like this one, and it's way past the point of prevention. Every fight they can break up is one less for the police and paramedics to deal with, and every person sent safely in a taxi is potentially a life saved.

Forgive my rant, I'm a tad drunk. Long story short - big up the street pastors, they're lovely people and a fantastic cause.

Eleanor Rigby

Other Beatles options include: Julia, Pam, Bonnie, Sally, Sadie, Prudence, Martha, Lizzy, Anna, Rita, Yoko. All in the title.

Return of the Twat

Hiya! It's me! Live and kicking in a similar way to Zoe Ball in the 90's! So don't worry my little Peppa Pigs! Tout va bien! Oink oink!

Internet has returned and so has my nonsensical yet somehow simultaneously boring gobshite.

Sorry about that.

Again

Basically, I'm moving house again. So, who knows how long it will be until my next post, it may be tomorrow, it may be in two weeks time... who knows? Do you? I certainly don't!

You Send Me

Overheard #36

Child: How old are you?
Me: Twenty two.
Child: Wow! That's really old. You're almost as old as my mum, she's forty.
Me: ...thanks.

Run The World

This is exactly what I've been trying to say but she is overwhelmingly more eloquent than I am.

Now He's Sixty-Nine

Totally forgot Macca's birthday, so I can't be that obsessed.

Showing Up

The other day I saw some parents with a toddler in a shop. The toddler was crying in a pushchair, and the dad looked down and said, "No. Go to sleep now." I immediately thought, "Oh, isn't that nice to see a good father these days", which is sad for two reasons:

1. Why does it seem that everyone's dad is either not present, or shit?

2. The guy wasn't actually doing anything to suggest he's a particularly good father, except for communicating with his child. If I saw a mother doing the exact same thing I would think nothing of it.

It seems to me that in terms of parenting, men are given much more credit simply for showing up. We don't grant mothers this lenience, if anything we judge their attempts. The role of the father is becoming increasingly passive as mothers and society adapt to life without them, so the few that take an active role stand out.

Oh, and Happy Fathers Day.

Hilarious Chauvinists

A group of guys twats came into the pub today dressed like women. Proper, whole-hog dressed like women: underwear, make-up, dresses, shoes, handbags. "How utterly hilarious we are!", I bet they thought... hilarious?

Why is it funny to be dressed as a woman? Is it funny for a woman to be dressed as a man? Oh - think I've spotted the massive gaping chauvinistic whole in your plan there, you pricks. They were obviously slightly uncomfortable as they were because they felt the need to constantly refer to the fact that they were dressed like women. It wasn't for a reason, it wasn't a costume as someone - it was being women for the sake of being women. Isn't it funny?! Aside from the fact that they were generally twats as well, my colleague couldn't understand why I was offended by their parade.

"Is it funny that I'm wearing trousers and a shirt?" I shouted at him. "I'm dressed in men's clothes. Why is it funny to be dressed like a woman? Because it's degrading being a woman. That's why." Then he left me alone and I mumbled all sorts about chauvinists and bastards and we refused them service soon after. Gutted. How come the little boys at school don't want to use pink stationary, and are mocked if they have to borrow a girl's pink pencil? It's a scarily ingrained form of bigotry which people refuse to acknowledge.

How about if a group of men came in the pub dressed like an ethnic minority? Or all dressed like gays, or dressed like a certain religion - not as fancy dress, just as a generic way of poking fun. That's offensive. We wouldn't serve them if they were a bunch of white guys dressed like black guys or Jews or Muslims, because that's racist. So why are women overlooked, and why should we have to put up with this subtle, but equally in-your-face demonstration? Why is sexism on this level still acceptable?

Wear a dress, by all means! I'm not saying men shouldn't wear whatever they want to wear. Just don't make a joke out of it, because that's patronising. Eddie Izzard manages to simultaneously wear women's clothes and be a comedian, yet the fact that he's a transvestite is not why he's funny. He's funny because, well, he's funny and very clever, the fact that he looks fabulous is just a rarely mentioned aesthetic bonus. And no, I'm not a moaning feminist, and shame on you if you think I'm being overly dramatic.

Listening

Continuing the school theme of this week, here's...

Four Things I've Mostly Been Saying Today

1. "Mrs __ is talking, you need to be listening."
2. "What should you be doing?/What have you just been asked to do?"
3. "Was that a sensible thing to do?"
4. "Put it away, I don't want to see it again."

#4 is in reference to both lego and arses.

Alice The Camel

We took the kids on a school trip today.

There are many parts of a school trip that are stressful, which all begin when some poor sod (not me yet as I just get to do the fun bit so far) has to write a ridiculously thorough risk assessment. After the planning, you then on the day need to make sure you've got everything, including copious health and safety garb and paraphernalia, including: inhalers bigger than the actual child, sick buckets, spare clothes, scalpels, hairnets, fishcakes and rhubarb.

The coach trip is, I'm beginning to think, a good summary of teaching. If you want to know what teaching's like, go on a coach with 30 hyped-up children. Children with a terrifyingly large knowledge of songs, yet irritatingly limited knowledge of lyrics.

The coach leaves. "Alice the camel had... 10 humps..." Ok, this is fine, let them sing, it's quite funny. "BOM BOM BOM!" Ok, it's very funny. "Alice the camel had... 9 humps..." If they weren't singing about this charming camel they'd only be shouting, poking, honking and emitting gasses and liquids as loudly as possible. "Alice the camel had... hey, let's start from 1 million! ...Yeah!!" The decision to start from a million is foiled by the fact that they don't actually know how much a million is. "Alice the camel had... nine hundred and ninety nine humps..." which is quite hilarious in itself. "BOM BOM BOM!" So then they get confused and just repeat the verse over and over with a mumble when it comes to the number. "Alice the camel had... dhfbninetysdftwelve humps...?" Which makes them all bored and eager to reach the hilarious and surprising conclusion... "Alice was a horse!" And the crowd go wild.

"Alice the camel had..."
"What other songs do we know? We've finished that one, choose a different one."
"WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU." Oh good, I like Queen.

"WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU."

Apparently the verses to 'We Will Rock You' aren't on the curriculum this year - just the chorus.

"Does anyone know what words come next in that song?" I ask them. Blank faces. "Right, so I think we've finished that song too, let's sing something else." Then they sat confused and annoying each other and squealing for a while, until someone began the vaguely familiar song:

"Down in the jungle where nobody knows
There's a big fat gorilla, picking his nose.
And he picks it and he flicks it just to see where it goes...
It goes here, it goes there, it goes everywhere."

Teacher training doesn't teach you how to stop yourself from laughing uncontrollably at something inappropriate, but it really should.

"We're nearly there, so how about a few rounds of London's Burning?" They love that song, but the rounds confuse the hell out of them. "This side starts, then this side goes after. Remember you will finish singing after they do and listen to what you're singing, not what they're singing."

"London's burning, London's burning,
Fetch the BURNING, fetch the BURNING,
London's FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE, engine,
Pour on engine, FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE,
Pour on water, POUR ON WATER..."

"Marvellous! We almost had it that time."

...and then we arrived at our destination.

Oh, And Milo

Four Names 80% Of Children At School Have

1. Ava
2. Eva
3. Isla
4. Alfie

Pepe

I godamn love Pepe LePew, and I don't care what anyone says. That stupid French skunk is fucking hilarious. Just look at this confused cat... look at it!! Doesn't know what's hit it!!



That's the most hilarious case of bestial attempted rape I've ever seen.

Ps. Just because you're French, doesn't mean you can smoke on kids TV!

Million Faces

Paolo Nutini is talent in a Greggs pasty, with a voice like Irn Bru.

Parachute

This is Sean Lennon. I know what you're thinking: it's an asian John Lennon. He looks so much like his dad. He sounds hardly anything like him, however, yet he manages to still be awesome in his own way.



Here's a mini-translation of Parachute / L'Eclipse:

Si on s'éclipse ce soir
On le sait tous les deux
On se laissera porter
Comme dans nos rêves
Sur cette mélodie
Elle nous suffit ce soir
À se croire immortel
Comme la vie

If it disappears tonight
Both of us know
We allow ourselves carry
Like in our dreams
On this melody
For us, it's enough tonight
To believe we are immortal
Like life

Evolution

Not-First Songs

I tend to be a bit fickle when it comes to music. I'll like an artist, then I'll be like screw you, I'm bored. But here are a few songs that are not iconic or ones you immediately think of, but are still ruddy good.


Dolly Parton – Here You Come Again



Train – If It's Love



Jay Z – H To The Izzo



This right here… this is how you sample a classic motown song. How many people even noticed he samples The Jackson 5’s ‘I Want You Back’?

Blondie – X Offender



Gwen Stefani – Early Winter



Supergrass – Pumping On Your Stereo



No Doubt – Sunday Morning



Pretenders – Message of Love



Weird stutter guy at the beginning, but the performance is wonderful.

So there we are. Two appearances from Gwen Stefani, but that's because I think she's incredibly underrated.

Ponycorn Adventure

This is utterly adorable, and I've wasted a lot of time playing it so you should too.

Tea Minus One

Home is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home, she lifted up her wings
I guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from another
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time before we were born
If someone asks, this where I'll be...

Tea Minus Two

I'm going to write a letter to my true love, I'm going to sign my name - like a pigeon on a table, waddle walk again...

Tea Minus Three

I will get drunk and demand this as a duet at some point in the future.

Tea Minus Four

... and then I'll bring you corpses as gifts and leave them on your doorstep like a cat.

Yesterday Encore

Well, this is embarassing...



... you can see he's considering doing the rapper hand gestures, but he knows he can't pull it off.

Tea Minus Five

Try

"Do or do not. There is not try." -- Yoda

Tea Minus Six

... but of course we all prefer the Beyonce version.

JOKOS, moloko drinkers!

Goldie Tramp

...no?

Tea Minus Seven

Tea Minus Eight

Tea Minus Nine

... and don't forget the drugs.

Je Ne Sais Quoi

I don't know what. I hate that phrase. I hate that phrase, because it doesn't always make sense.

Like in The Graduate where Mrs Robinson's all drunk-face-tits-out and pretending she doesn't want a jolly good rogering from Dustin Hoffman, and she's like "Well if you won't sleep with me then I don't know what." ... that's not a sentence, love. That doesn't make sense.

He's going to marry your daughter anyway, so you might as well spare him the STDs on the way and put your bra back on. Maybe she means, "Well if you won't sleep with me then I don't know what I've got my tits out for." Maybe. Maybe it's an old way of talking. Maybe it's a slaggy way of talking. Maybe I'll stop saying maybe...? ...Maybe...

Or maybe not.

Tea Minus Ten

The Fergus Countdown Begins...



...return of the mac, return of the mac... here come the hotstepper, he's a lyrical gangster... etc. In celebration, here are some songs that I can now listen to without having a nervous breakdown...

Topanga?

So university is slowly and painfully drawing to and end. Who knows what will happen when it does, but if the last 20 minutes is anything to go by, I'll be watching a lot of Boy Meets World on YouTube. But seriously, how did they ever manage to get 7 seasons out of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, yet only one of Twin Peaks? Maybe it's like how clever people only have one child because they're intelligent to know that one perpetual version of them is more than enough.

That's my favourite and least favourite thing about YouTube: the related videos. Jeebus, I could and do spend hours watching useless shite from 20 years ago. WHENTHISBOYMEETSWOOORLD,BOYMEEEEETSWOOORLDDD.

So, the point of this ramble being that I'm looking forward to finishing uni, so I can use my time much less productively. It's impossible to procrastinate when you have nothing important to do. Think about it. What I think I'm trying to say through this post is... if I have gained anything from my degree, it's probably about or on YouTube.

5 Songs About Trains

Pardon me boy, is that the chattanooga choo choo? ...Why I do believe it is!

5. Thomas the Tank Engine Theme



4. Hey Soul Sister - Train

3. Chattanooga Choo Choo - Glenn Miller



2. Train In Vain - The Clash



1. Midnight Train To Georgia - Gladys Knight



What is it about locomotives that inspire such good music? Riddle me that, trainspotters!

Oh, High Fidelity

Is High Fidelity just The Graduate only not very similar at all?

I think I may be on to something here. No, I don't have to reference those films, or the original novels (Hornby and Webb, respectively) or even italicise the motherfuckers, because this piece of writing is not marked. Except by the internet people, and they give everything a Damien. That's right - nil pwah cherie!

Wrap your peeping gear around this slice of entertainment gateaux, the last scene of High Fidelity:



There he goes, snapping his headphones onto his manchild-typecasted ears with a knowing look. Well, you don't know Mr Cusack/Gordon/Flemming! You don't know the half of it, love!

This is what I mean by similar to The Graduate. The way I see it is that the ending of High Fidelity can be read in two ways:

1. Happy Ending

2. Rob basically sells out and decides being boring is easier than being unhappy.

Proof for the second point. Right - remember in the film where Jack Black refuses to sell Stevie Wonder 'I Just Called To Say I Love You' to a customer because it's "sentimental tacky crap"? Rob agrees, yet at the end of the film there he goes blasting away the shit out of sentimental Stevie. And yeah, I do like that song, but I find it an inappropriate yet funky choice for this point in the film.

I think it's probably somewhere in between. Let's consider this scene:



... in which Rob is a bit of an idiot. But that's not the point. The point is she understands what he's saying and isn't angry at him for expressing it in a fucking stupid way.

So I've swung between liking the ending and hating it, and deciding that they're both boring but then thinking actually, are they boring...? Because Stevie Wonder is pretty cool, really. Her fringe is distractingly wonky, and he's a grumpy old perv. But really, does talking all this practical rhubarb about being tired really go hand in hand with 'I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever'? Not really. Maybe 'I believe when I fall in love with you we have a one in three chance of divorce'. That would make a lot more sense, but I don't think Stevie Wonder did that song.

Bitch

This is what people who say they like Elton John are talking about - this guy right here with the fabulous shoulders.

I'd also like to point out that Elton didn't come out until 1976, and this was filmed in 1974. If you ask me, he came out the second he referred to himself as a bitch and shimmied his feathery shoulders about like a tart.

Nigel

Eternal Sunshine Of The Scratched iPod

For technical reasons beyond my understanding, I had to restore my ipod today. I feel utterly evil.

We become attached to our ipods. I must have viewed mine as a tiny rodent-type electronic creature, because as I heard its little brain ticking over as I wiped its shiny little memory, I felt like a complete bastard. This is like euthanasia for the 21st century, or some deep shit like that.

So I wiped the memory, and re-synced it with an almost identical itunes library. I imagine what I've just done is on a par with Jim Carey and Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine. Re-pieced together, but not quite the same, and never entirely sure why. Right now, for all I know, my ipod could be having dreams of when it was a little fresh-faced, top of the range ipod video. Now, with its cracked screen and scratched mirrored casing, it could be reminiscing over its short but brutal life: tucked in bras, nestled in coat pockets, stood on a kitchen counter, blasting The Beatles as I swear over meringue that won't stiffen... Good times. Crazy days.

Hopefully my ipod will forgive me for the horrid trickery I have played upon it. I do feel awful about it, but it was for its own good, really.

Music Channels

Remember life before YouTube? I know, I'd rather not either, but let's go there. If you wanted to watch a specific music video then forget about it, you either had to text or call into a music channel (at £50 a second) or wait until some other chump requests the song you want. Or, tape the videos you liked, but even then you had to wait for it to come on in the first place, and you were probably so preoccupied with your Supersticker Machine that you missed the very beginning, and the second it finishes you've got the last half hour of an episode of ER your mum taped last Thursday whilst she was at Weight Watchers.

But now, we don't have to wait for hours just to see one godamn 3 minute music video. That's not saying that some of those videos were totally worth waiting hours to watch. Here are a few examples:



"YOU GUN DIIIIIIIE"





"Awww but it's the best pooooorrrrtttttt!"



...as if we needed more proof that Britney's from Mars.



"ONE TIME! ... TWO TIMES!"

Yeah, you can't blame past-Sophie for having dodgy taste in music, I was a child afterall. Plus, Mariah's always awesome.

Top 10 Neglected Artists

Following the Glee theme for this week. I thought they did pretty shite at choosing neglected artists - Aretha? What? So here's my own top 10 neglected (or perhaps 'underappreciated') artists:

10. The Cranberries - Linger




9. Steve Miller Band - Take The Money And Run



8. Eels - Novocaine For The Soul



7. Goldfrapp - Ride On A White Horse




6. J Geils Band - Centerfold



5. Lightspeed Champion - Tell Me What It's Worth



4. Lykke Li - I'm Good, I'm Gone



3. Cerys Matthews - The Ballad of Tom Jones



2. Tammi Terrell - Ain't No Mountain High Enough



1. The Beatles! ... Just kidding.

Filofax Funtimes

If I didn't have my filofax I think my world would implode. It's something I'm used to having, it tells me what to do, (or rather, past me tells future me what to do). It reminds me of things I mean to do, things I need to be prepared for, and how much time I need to do each thing.

I would strongly advise you get a filofax. I don't know who you are, but you need one. WHSmiths have a sale on at the moment... just so you know.

I have 4 post-it coloured bookmarks, which remind me:

• Important Events
• Important To Do (Work)
  
• Important To Do (Home)
  
• Targets

That picture is not of my filofax, but it is of a crackin' example. You can get all sorts of pretty colours, papers and fancy things to put in it. You can keep notes and business cards in the pockets. I have a ziplock attachment which I keep teabags in, because yes I am that sad. I have a pocket for my USB, different areas for different lists, an underground map and many, many pens. I'm loving life.

Songs That Remind Me Of My Parents

My parents are pretty much losers, especially when it comes to music. My Mum likes Robbie Williams and Rod Stewart, and my Dad is still listening to the same Disco and Motown tapes he's always had.

However, there are the top 5 songs that they always listen to. Maybe I've been desensitised to them through years of overplaying, but I quite like these ones...



1. Stevie Wonder - I Was Made To Love Her



2. Jackson 5 - Got To Be There



3. The Beatles - When I'm 64



4. Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Dancing (only for those with a strong tolerance for falsetto... or George)



5. Rose Royce - Car Wash

Always See Your Face

30 Days #13

Day 25 - A Song That Makes You Laugh



Girlfriend in a Coma - The Smiths

Ukulele

Saw this a while ago, but just thought I'd make sure everyone has seen it, because it's bloody amazing.

30 Days #12

Day 23 - A Song You Want To Play At Your Wedding



For Once In My Life - Stevie Wonder

Day 24 - A Song That You Want To Play At Your Funeral



Days - The Kinks

Skincare

I am an utter skincare whore.

Skincare is something which interests me, as I think it says a lot about a person. How and to what extent we look after our face reveals how vain, conscientious and committed we are. It is also something which people don't really discuss. I suppose most people just don't find it interesting, or even don't think of it at all.

My concern with skincare is inherited from my mum, who used the entire Liz Earle range for about a million years, and used to literally squeal with joy when new stuff was delivered. I started using it when I was about 16. After 2 separate beauticians told me that I had dry skin in December, I told Liz to piss off. I have since been using: this, this, this, this, this, this and this. Twice a day, everyday. Yes, I'm a tad obsessed, but I'll tell you for why...

a) I am a creature of habit, and it's relaxing to have a routine like this.
b) It vastly improves the quality of my skin.
c) I refuse to look like a crumpled up plastic bag when I'm 40, and prevention is better than cure.
d) It smells really nice!

My mum switched to Sodashi several years ago. This stuff is so fancy they put it in bottles which block out the ultraviolet rays or some shit like that to prevent even the ingredients ageing. After visiting the website and seeing how much that clay cleanser is, I can see why she got pissed off when I used rather a lot of it once. But you know what? It ruddy works. She is about 6 years older than her sister, and people always think she's the younger one. She does not have the skin of a 50 year old, that's for sure, once some guy said he thought we were sisters, but I think he was a bit of a kiss-ass to be honest. She's no Jerry freaking Hall.

Anyway, I'm a whore because I'm considering swapping The Body Shop's stuff for Soap and Glory, which has amazing reviews everywhere and is aimed at young skin. Some people see a girl and want to ask her where she got her dress from: I see a girl and want to ask her what she uses to have such fabulous pores.

Anyway, skincare routines fascinate me because they reveal so much about people. For example, I am really rather vain, stupid, and preemptively preoccupied with my ageing face, so it's more like future vanity than anything.

MJ

I like Michael Jackson's music, and I'll tell you for why...

Just listen to the first 5 seconds of The Way You Make Me Feel and tell me that song doesn't make you feel like a fucking pimp. If it can make MJ, who was basically a white woman at this point and wearing ankle-swingers and a crop top look cool, I think we're all pretty much sorted.

Ok, Billie Jean then... according to Wikipedia, 'Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" is considered one of the most revolutionary songs in the history of pop music'. The song is composed of: a very simple beat, two synth chords, an awesome bassline. And his voice. That's it - nothing fancy, no arguments with Paul McCartney, no bells and whistles, no whiskers on kittens - just a damn good song. You know all the words... yes you do.

Yes, some of his songs sound similar, but that's because they're fundamentally good pop songs, and to be that they have to be simple. They're like a lovely cup of tea - easy to do in theory, but execution is everything.

Shakespearean

Shakespeare is so ingrained into culture that we don't even really think of these songs as Shakespearean: we just accept the different interpretations and versions of two characters signifying the epitome of tragic love. Taylor Swift seems a bit confused about the whole thing... poor little sausage, and Lou Reed places them in the sordid New York sex and drugs scene, as he does with everything.

Lou Reed - Romeo Had Juliette



"I’ll take Manhattan in a garbage bag
With Latin written on it that says:
"It’s hard to give a shit these days""

Taylor Swift - Love Story



"Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes"

The Killers - Romeo and Juliet



"I can't do the talk like the talk on the TV
And I can't do a love song, like the way it's meant to be
I can't do everything, but I'll do anything for you
I can't do anything 'cept be in love with you"

(I am aware Dire Straits did the original, but I prefer Flowers' voice)

30 Days # 11

Day 20 - A Song You Listen to When You're Angry



Day 21 - A Song You Listen to When You're Happy



Day 22 - A Song You Listen to When You're Sad

Old Prison Food

"What did you learn from your time in the solitary cell of your mind? There were noises, distractions from anything good..."

I am currently trying to write my dissertation. It is currently impossible. However, whilst this is not the intended topic of this post, it is the reason for it, so I thought you should know.

What I don't understand is noise. Why is noise so necessary? I don't know if it's just me, but I like peace a quiet. Does that make me old or boring? I don't know, I don't care.

Surely it's not boring to want to form some thoughts of your own instead of being fed words and lyrics from a machine? The reason I like quiet is because it gives me a chance to think. If you wake up in the morning, turn the radio on as soon as you're up (or even have it as an alarm), leave the house and put your ipod on, get to where ever you're going and you're constantly bombarded with noise. Why is this desirable? It makes me feel like a robot. A really fucking stupid robot with no mind. Sometimes I put my headphones in without my ipod on just to block out noise, so I have the opportunity to think.

Of course I listen to music, I listen to a lot of music, but only at certain times. If I don't want to listen to music, I won't, there's no time when it's necessary. What's the point in having it as background noise? Then you can't do either task properly. Just because I'm walking somewhere, it doesn't mean I have to have my ipod in. Just because I'm sat on my own somewhere, doesn't mean I have to be texting frantically in case a human being tries and makes real-life contact with me.

I don't understand what everyone's sudden aversion to thinking is. Is silence unnerving? It's really sad to think there's a generation of people who dislike silence. Is life really that bad that we have to block out our thoughts or we'll go insane? Have you recently walked anywhere without your ipod in? When I was writing it was the time when I would get all my ideas. Literally, all my ideas, I had to wander around with scraps of paper in my pockets. It's like chatting shit with yourself, and it's probably the closest thing to creativity I'm going to get for a while, so I embrace it. It's nice just to have to company of your own thoughts sometimes.

30 Days #10

Day 19 - A Song From Your Favourite Album

Life

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn’t understand the assignment.

I told them they didn’t understand life."

-- John Lennon

30 Days #9

Day 17 - A Song That You Hear Often on the Radio



Day 18 - A Song That You Wish You Heard on the Radio

Designer

So apparently they’ve suddenly decided that designer tampons are necessary.

‘Ban the bland’ they’re saying – I’m sorry, I didn’t really notice or care. I don’t think anyone noticed, or cared, or gave a tiny mouse’s arse what their knickers look like for a few days a month, especially since the rest of them probably won't look much better. These women need to seriously colour their lives with the chaos of trouble. Yes, I know I'm a loser for using that reference, but fuck you this is my blog, not the fucking indie pretension police. The point is, they need bigger problems in their lives, or maybe just to be uglier.

Anyway, rich women with ugly feminine hygiene products... life is hard. Oh and by the way... why feminine hygiene? Why isn't soap called a hygiene product so overtly? Surely that's more of a hygiene product that something that goes in your pants? It's not dirty - it's the reason you were born you moron!! (I don't actually know who I'm insulting here.)

In my view, the only thing they could add to the design to any sort of period product would either be to integrate one of the following:

• Some sort of discreet, but painful weapon
• An intravenous codeine drip
• Assorted helpful phrases, such as: “Have a kit-kat and shut the fuck up.”, “Bloated? You can’t spell fabulous without ‘bulbous’ my dear!” or maybe just the number for a discreet hitman service.

Somebody get me a sharpie, and a box of Always.

30 Days #8

Day 15 - A Song That Describes You



Alanis Morissette - Hand In My Pocket

In other news, Alanis looks especially lovely/high in this video.

Day 16 - A Song That You Used To Love But Now Hate

I can think of nothing, so you get nothing.

30 Days #7

Day 13 - A Song That is a Guilty Pleasure



Luther Vandross - Never Too Much

Such a tune + fabulous video.

Day 14 - A Song That No One Would Expect You to Love



Outkast - B.O.B (Bombs Over Baghdad)

I really like Outkast, but then you might have known that already. This song also has the perfect BPM for running.

30 Days #6

Day 11 - A Song From Your Favourite Band



The Beatles - Get Back

"Sweet Lorretta Fat, she thought she was a cleaner... but she was a frying pan."

Day 12 - A Song From A Band You Hate



Oasis - The Importance of Being Idle

Not a fan of the band themselves, but this song and video are undeniably pretty good.

Learning

Silly Glee

I like Glee. I like that in the Valentines Day episode they covered Wings:



and it was awesome. The Warblers are totally better than those other shits whatever their names are.

But the main thing I was thinking for the majority of the episode was: how much did Gap pay them to be featured? That was ridiculous. I'm also getting sick of holiday themed episodes. Wasn't it Christmas last week? That's just lazy writing. But anyway...

You'd think that people would have had enough of silly Glee songs, but I look on YouTube and I see it isn't so.

Hubbard

I don't know why (probably because I had a lot of much more important work to do) but today I have been chiefly concerned with stocking my cupboards.

Not shopping, of course, I mean stockpiling. I've been finding and recording recipes which require only ingredients that can be stockpiled. I have written several different lists. It is my ultimate mission to be able to potentially feed 5 people for 4 weeks straight without having to go to the shops. Then I will totally rock.

I dislike food shopping. I hate deciding. I hate seeing the nice foods I can't afford/ don't deserve. I hate the guilt of buying ice cream and the stress of buying foods which actually go together and make meals. Ice cream and pickles is more of a delicious amuse bouche. There's never enough choice for vegetarians, especially ones who have already tried everything and dislike tofu. Mostly, I hate carrying heavy bags. That's pretty much the long and the short of it.

I saw a bloke in Tescos today, he was buying a 6 pack of lager, a pizza and one of those repulsive microwave burgers which look like they'd taste like pure misery. Chewy misery. I guess what I'm trying to say is, at least I'm not that guy.

This mission to feed people on foods which can be stored has come from nowhere. You know how they say cats and dogs can tell when there's going to be a thunder storm? I hope this isn't like that. If it is, the porridge is on me... figuratively.

30 Days #5

Day 09 - A Song You Can Dance To



I physically have to dance to this.


Day 10 - A Song That Makes You Fall Asleep

30 Days #4

Day 07 – A Song That Reminds You of an Event



Day 08 – A Song You Know All the Words To

30 Days #3

Day 05 – A Song That Reminds You of Someone



Day 06 – A Song That Reminds You of Somewhere

School

So there's that ridiculous saying, 'Never work with children or animals' that I've considered lately. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to work with children - they're the most interesting and hilarious people in the world. Honestly, I'd really like to know why people don't want to work with children. Do they find them annoying or scary? Have these people actually spent much time with children?

I spent this morning being called 'Mrs Ostrich', because 5 year-olds can apparently neither hear nor distinguish between a Miss and a Mrs (I suppose all adults are horrifically old anyway), and reading this amusingly titled book. Oh, then counting with money which led to many pennies in mouths, on the floor, and then back in mouths again, and a carpet time which featured the dramas of two lots of tears, a bee sting that turned out to be a freckle, and a nose bleed. Fabulous, I know.

It's every bit as fun as it sounds, and no, I'm not being sarcastic. I do feel a bit as though someone will turn up any minute and say, "No, sorry, this isn't a real job, this is far too fun and rewarding".

It doesn't have to be a hilarious moment, like the time a little girl tried to write 'because' and wrote 'booze' instead, or when they all put on their jumpers backwards as a joke. I spent this afternoon teaching a little boy how to add 10 to numbers up to 50. He told me he was stupid, I said I didn't believe him. In less than 20 minutes he was adding 10 to numbers over 100, and the beaming grin on his little face at the end of the lession is what it's all about. He'll be able to do that for the rest of his life.

Children, especially the young-ish ones, can smell fakery, fear and incompetence a mile off. Luckily for me, they will forgive the last two. 99% of the children I've worked with have been absolutely lovely people. They're much less set in their ways than adults, which seems obvious, but it's incredibly encouraging to know that if Rudolph is being a little bugger today, tomorrow he will probably be charming again. And no, I have no idea where the name Rudolph came from, but I've heard much worse.

30 Days #2

Day 03 – A Song That Makes You Happy



Day 03 – A Song That Makes You Sad



I made it 13 seconds.

You Mean A Career?

John Cusack doesn't act, he just shows up... usually with a boombox.

30 Days #1

Since I like the concept of this, but have no intention of annoying people on facebook, I will put it here.

Have you noticed people posting an inordinate amount of songs on facebook lately? Isn’t this annoying? Yes. Does anyone care? No. I’m glad we cleared that up. I actually blocked someone because they posted a song every day for about a month and it pissed me off so much that it was that or cut off their toes with a rusty spoon.

I’m also not posting one a day, because I don’t want to and I don’t have to. What are you, the song police? Well, fuck you, officer!


Day 01 - Your Favourite Song


I couldn’t decide on my favourite song, obviously, so this is the most listened to song on my ipod.

Day 02 - Your Least Favourite Song


I couldn’t think of one, so instead I’ll just put up this hilarious video, which gives me faith in mankind.

Overheard #36

Big-Titted Woman: [shouting in H&M] "Where are all the big-titted bras, for big-titted women?!"

You What

Coffee

I like my coffee how I like my TV shows... repetitious.

10 Beatles Album Tracks That Are Still Better Than The Shite They Make Today

...yeah, what she said. By album tracks I mean songs that were never released in the UK as either an A or B side.

10. I Me Mine (Let It Be)


9. It's Only Love (Help!)


8. I Need You (Help!)


7. In My Life (Rubber Soul)


6. Hey Bulldog (Yellow Submarine)


5. Oh! Darling (Abbey Road)


4. You've Got to Hide Your Love Away (Help!)


3. The Fool On The Hill (Magical Mystery Tour)


2. Dear Prudence (The Beatles/The White Album)


1. Martha My Dear (The Beatles/The White Album)

Adams

So I'm not sure whether or not I metioned the fact that I judge people by their favourite Beatles songs. I think it probably goes without saying, actually. I do. I once met a meth dealer who I thought was a perfectly nice guy until he told me his favourite Beatles song was 'Twist and Shout'. Fucking lunatic.

So, I found a list of Douglas Adam's favourite Beatles songs... let's judge:

1. Hey Jude (Bingo!)
2. A Day in the Life
3. Drive My Car (WTF?)
4. Don't Let Me Down
5. I Will
6. If I Fell
7. Hello Goodbye
8. Rain
9. Martha My Dear
10. Strawberry Fields
11. We Can Work it Out
12. This Boy
13. Ticket to Ride
14. Can't Buy Me Love
15. All You Need is Love
16. Fixing a Hole
17. And Your Bird can Sing
18. She's a Woman
19. You Can't do That (... really?)
20. Here, There & Everywhere.

We have the same favourite song! Martha My Dear for the bloody win. Ok, so from my scientific analysis I have deducted that Douglas Adams was an awesome guy. Quite sentimental and a little bit cheeky... but not a Ringo fan.

Books 'n' That

As a literature student, people seem vaguely interested in what I read. The sad truth is that because I'm an English Literature student, I don't have time to read.

I pretty much only read half of what I'm supposed to as it is, and I would say I'm often one of the only 3 people in a seminar who have read the book at all, skimmed it, or even bothered to glance at the wikipedia entry. I do also have a genius way of reading (I can't remember where I learnt it), that's basically allowed me to read approximately 2 novels a week when needed.

These are the top 10 books that right now, had I the time:

10. 'Other Voices, Other Rooms' - Truman Capote

I'd like to see the extent of his talent, and whether or not he is overrated, which I suspect he is.

9. 'Porno' - Irvine Welsh

Anything written by this genius will do.

8. 'American Psycho' - Bret Easton Ellis

Crazy, crazy 80's nobs.

7. 'The Outsider' / 'The Myth of Sisyphus' - Albert Camus

I always hear interesting stuff about both of them, mostly from Fergus, but also in lectures.

6. 'Gentlemen Prefer Blondes'/'But Gentlemen Marry Brunettes' - Anita Loos

I love Lorelei, she's a crazy old whore.

5. 'The Talented Mr. Ripley' - Patricia Highsmith

Yeah, I liked the film, so judge me.

4. 'On The Road' - Jack Kerouac

I hear good things.

3. 'Libra' - Don DeLilo

God I love JFK conspiracy theories. In other news.

2. 'Kafka on the Shore' - Haruki Murakami

Kafka, Murakami... what's not to like?

1. Any good biography/autobiography of any of The Beatles (except George), or Woody Allen.

... and here are the books which I have begun and abandoned since being on this course, which I would finish given half the chance:

'How to be Good' - Nick Hornby

'Crime and Punishment' - Fyodor Dostoevsky

'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' - Douglas Adams

'How the Dead Live' - Will Self

I'd also really like to read a magazine and not feel guilty and like all it's doing is increasing my carbon footprint and filling my brain with sexist shite.

Stop

Greatly

John Lennon interviews are always interesting, and often very odd indeed.

Interviewer: Your first book sold in 350,000 copies, it came out this year, is that right?
John Lennon: That's right!
I: ...that's right. And tell me, you brought three of your friends, could you please introduce me?
JL: Yes - there's George Parasol, Ringo Stone, and Paul McCharmly.
I: And did they have anything to do with your book? Did they help you, did they hinder you in any way?
JL: No, they typed it out for me.
I: That's right, I mean they can spell?
JL: Oh, they spell very greatly.
I: ...that's nice.

Interviewer: Ringo, is Ringo your real name or is it a nickname?
Ringo: It's a nickname.
Interviewer: How did the Ringo thing come about?
Ringo: Because I wear four rings.
Interviewer: Wow!
John: I'm not called Ringo. [shows his hands]
Paul: He's called Hando.

Jack Rabbit Slims

I think we found a name for the tearoom.

Little Feminist

So feminism is working, then? Hooray!

Apparently this little girl envisions hoards of men "running out" and asking her to marry them. But if she doesn't have a job, she will tell them exactly where to stick it! "Fine! I'll find a different man - this is my life!"

It's nice to see something encouraging instead of enraging in the field of feminism. My favourite bit is: "I don't care if I marry you, I don't care if I marry another man... I care if I do something that's special." This girl is considerably wiser than the majority of women older than her. Bravo, little feminist!

Macarons

Macarons, Macaroons, or Paul McCar-troons... call them what you will... I attempted them.

They obviously didn't turn out perfect, I didn't expect them to. What I ended up with was something semi-presentable and edible, which was the main objective. Those of you in the baking-know, will be aware that macarons are notoriously tricky. Not incredibly difficult - we're not talking mille-feuille difficult, or Ace of Cakes difficult... just very fiddly. It's all in the little techniques, which sounds ridiclous, but if you've ever made meringue (and my meringue fairy is rarely on my side) then you'll understand.

If you've never made meringue then fucking sort it out. You've never lived.

So anyway, the finished product...


Could be better, but I'm very happy with that as a first attempt. And yes, they were delicious.

Shots

We often get groups of people wankers ordering large rounds of shots. Shots I’m fine with, they have their time and place, and they're quick to pour. But there’s a specific type of shot-orderer: the type of person wanker that orders 15 shots for 5 people (tequila for the uber-douche), waves their money about like they’re Mr. Moneybags (and doesn’t tip), lines them up in a row and takes multiple pictures of themselves posing with the shots before drinking them.

I once actually heard a guy say “Oh my god, this is literally like something out of James Bond!” I pitied that man... and envied him at the same time. He honestly believed he was James fucking Bond. Awesome.

Also, what's up with this picture? Why would you shot Smirnoff? That's just asking for a head like a mouldy old dishcloth.

Radio 1

Does anyone actually like the music on Radio 1? Even if they do like some of it, you won't like all of it. Why would you force yourself to listen to music you don't like?

Does anyone actually give a shit about the opinions of the morons they've got 'presenting' those shows? The overly-happy, self-indulgent, cliche-babbling douchebags that dispense their views on anything and everything like they're omniscient beings? I can read my own blog for that shit.

If I wanted to listen to idiots dispense their opinions and mundane stories like they're the most important thing anyone's ever said, and if I wanted to listen to music which I don't like repeated over and over again, then I'd sit on a bus with a bunch of college students and bask in their moronic glow.

It's as if people aren't aware that there are other radio stations: radio stations that play different music according to people's tastes. That's right - some stations have taste. It's amazing that in this generation that's obsessed with getting exactly what we want (customising, etc.) that people will mindlessly listen to the first thing they're told to and stick with it.

As it is, Radio 4 and my iPod do the job nicely.

Next Train

I just thought this was awesome.

Not Jewish

Recent, slightly irritating discovery: Al Pacino cira The Godfather I & II. Studmuffin.

What?! He's all "No Kay! Don't ask about my business Kay!! Fuck off back to Woody Allen Kay!! I'm not even Jewish Kay!!"

Not. Even. Jewish.

Here he is, snogging another man. Judging by the hats the other people are wearing, this is the gaybar scene. If you haven't seen The Godfather I & II, then I suggest you do because they're both a rip-roaring good time.

On the other hand, he's a total bastard.

Band

Another Sunny Day

Dissertation

Just so everyone is aware: the dissertation has begun, so don't expect much love around here for a while.

500 Days of Stupid

So this new girl started work the other day. She commented, as many people seem to these days, that she thought I looked like Zooey Deschanel:



I freaking wish. Just because we both have fringes. Also, she's drinking milk. I don't drink milk, silly bitch! However, vacant expression: check!

Anyway, so we talked a bit about how we both liked the film '500 Days of Summer'. Banter banter...

Later that evening we were listening to music off my phone (as we often do after work whilst closing down) and She & Him came on.



The new girl immediately screamed and said to me, "Oh my god is that She & Him? We should totally get married!" I just sort of backed away quietly, whilst thinking: did you not understand the whole fucking concept of the film?! Apparently not.

If she loved it so much then she'd remember that the film demonstrates how just because two people like the same things, it doesn't mean they're soul mates. That was, I'd say, a good 60% of the film's message. A majority.

So no, weird new girl, I will not be marrying you anytime soon, not least because you look nothing like Joseph Gordon Levitt. I suggest you re-watch the film until you feel the sense that love is a like an albatross: scary and enjoys shitting on people from a great height. Then we can all be happy. Sort of.

I apologise to Fergus, who had to listen to this banal rant more than once, as he often does with my rants. He is also not an albatross.

Feminist Rant #193

I found this very interesting. Here's the summary:

Greg Bruell, a divorced, stay-at-home father of two who, when confronted with an unwanted pregnancy, just said no. Bruell and his girlfriend had already gone through one abortion when, just months later, she found herself pregnant again. He says they'd agreed ahead of time that if she conceived again, "she'd abort without waffling." Instead, she not only had the baby, she sued him for child support.

This pickle raises all sorts of questions, the first one being: who the feff taught these people about the birds and the bees? Prevention, not cure people.

The second point is one which someone much more eloquent and concise than me made - "reproductive choice isn't a fundamental right if it's only limited to people who have internal reproductive systems." Feminism isn't succeeding by achieving change which benefits women more than men. That's not my view of what feminism should be. Feminism should strive to create a society in which the only influence someone's gender has to have is to the pronoun attributed to them.

I think in 50 years or so we will view this time as quite socially regressive in terms of feminism. Maybe not regressive, but stagnant at the least. The 60s, 70s, 80s, and even 90s had their parts to play, yet I feel as though I've been thrown into a generation of 'lipstick lesbians' and glamour models desperate for male approval. Yet more shockingly there's an entire spectrum of females letting the side down: the more dangerous end of the scale is the mindless conformity to gender roles.

Is it ironic? Is it a counter-culture? I don't give a shit. All I know is that I'm surrounded by pathetic excuses for women. Women who take the choices they are able to make for granted. Women who unconsciously and unnecessarily punish themselves for being female. Women who despite decades of fighting and change still base their self-worth on whether or not they can make a man happy.

If you want equality, you take the good with the bad, and you recognise that every gendered action you make is a choice. It's all optional, it's all reversible.

• Your gender does not require you to do anything.
• You are breathing.

Two facts that you were unconsciously aware of that you are now consciously aware of. They are helpful to remember every now and again, if only to appreciate how lucky we are.

Saughters

"We've begun to raise daughters more like sons ... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters." -- Gloria Steinem