Alice The Camel

We took the kids on a school trip today.

There are many parts of a school trip that are stressful, which all begin when some poor sod (not me yet as I just get to do the fun bit so far) has to write a ridiculously thorough risk assessment. After the planning, you then on the day need to make sure you've got everything, including copious health and safety garb and paraphernalia, including: inhalers bigger than the actual child, sick buckets, spare clothes, scalpels, hairnets, fishcakes and rhubarb.

The coach trip is, I'm beginning to think, a good summary of teaching. If you want to know what teaching's like, go on a coach with 30 hyped-up children. Children with a terrifyingly large knowledge of songs, yet irritatingly limited knowledge of lyrics.

The coach leaves. "Alice the camel had... 10 humps..." Ok, this is fine, let them sing, it's quite funny. "BOM BOM BOM!" Ok, it's very funny. "Alice the camel had... 9 humps..." If they weren't singing about this charming camel they'd only be shouting, poking, honking and emitting gasses and liquids as loudly as possible. "Alice the camel had... hey, let's start from 1 million! ...Yeah!!" The decision to start from a million is foiled by the fact that they don't actually know how much a million is. "Alice the camel had... nine hundred and ninety nine humps..." which is quite hilarious in itself. "BOM BOM BOM!" So then they get confused and just repeat the verse over and over with a mumble when it comes to the number. "Alice the camel had... dhfbninetysdftwelve humps...?" Which makes them all bored and eager to reach the hilarious and surprising conclusion... "Alice was a horse!" And the crowd go wild.

"Alice the camel had..."
"What other songs do we know? We've finished that one, choose a different one."
"WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU." Oh good, I like Queen.

"WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU."

Apparently the verses to 'We Will Rock You' aren't on the curriculum this year - just the chorus.

"Does anyone know what words come next in that song?" I ask them. Blank faces. "Right, so I think we've finished that song too, let's sing something else." Then they sat confused and annoying each other and squealing for a while, until someone began the vaguely familiar song:

"Down in the jungle where nobody knows
There's a big fat gorilla, picking his nose.
And he picks it and he flicks it just to see where it goes...
It goes here, it goes there, it goes everywhere."

Teacher training doesn't teach you how to stop yourself from laughing uncontrollably at something inappropriate, but it really should.

"We're nearly there, so how about a few rounds of London's Burning?" They love that song, but the rounds confuse the hell out of them. "This side starts, then this side goes after. Remember you will finish singing after they do and listen to what you're singing, not what they're singing."

"London's burning, London's burning,
Fetch the BURNING, fetch the BURNING,
London's FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE, engine,
Pour on engine, FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE,
Pour on water, POUR ON WATER..."

"Marvellous! We almost had it that time."

...and then we arrived at our destination.