Incase you hadn’t noticed, it’s Mary Shelley’s birthday today… well, it would be if she wasn’t very much deceased. She would have been 211 today (I think), which is pretty darn old, really.
Walk
Yays - Being happy and having things which make you say 'Yays' is enough to make me say 'Yays!'
Neighs - I don't really like horses. Never been a horsey person. Don't judge me, I'm not Camilla Shitting Parker Bastard Bowles!
I like this picture because it's grammatically correct. The very best kind of graffiti, I'd say!
learning
Another lovely list for you all, because I've been noticably more annoyed by sentimental songs lately. This time in ascending order, just to confuse, are my top 10 songs that are far too sentimental to be taken seriously... but that's not to say that I don't like them... except some of them I don't.
Don’t get me wrong, I love this song, but really do men think that way? Call me sceptical but I think whoever it was that wrote this was quite high.
Ridiculously idealised hyperbole that I can just about stomach as a nice song, so long as I don’t think about the lyrics too much.
Because we all know James Bond’s a dickhead.
Oh, poor you, you’re in New York and you’re in a famous band. Let’s write a song about how depressing it is. I’m going to try and not put too many emo songs on this list, because otherwise it would all be floppy-fringed attention-seeking skinny little bastards everywhere, and I’d like to save the room for some real music.
If there was a line of over-sentimentality Coldplay would be constantly teetering on it. ‘Fix You’ shamelessly bounded over that line so blatantly I’m surprised the video wasn’t of crying cats with no legs.
(Song by Coldplay that are lovely and sentimental, but not overly so: ‘Til Kingdom Come’ ‘Yellow’ ‘The Scientist’ ‘Swallowed In The Sea.’)
I hated this song when it first came out, and I’ll hate it until I’m adequately convinced it’s not a pile of over-played whingey-mingey emo balls.
Points for good use of a saxophone, it’s a damn good song, but it’s sort of been over-done. Reminds me of having to slow-dance with my uncle at family weddings.
The amount of times I’ve seen that ruddy bald woman crying into a camera…
“Sentimental tacky crap” is how it was described in High Fidelity, and I’d pretty much agree with that. Stevie’s far too good for this, quite frankly, shiteous song.
“All I do each night is pray, hoping that I’ll be a part of you again someday.” Really? All you do? Thankfully, soon Gary Barlow’s fingers will be so fat he’ll be unable to compose anymore of these shitty, shitty songs.
After some careful and fruitful internet snooping, I’ve been teaching myself how to read palms. Here’s how you can read your palm, too. 
The lines on your hand may change as you gain experiences, so some people think of palmistry as more accurate (if any of it can be said to be accurate) than things such as the zodiac. Palmistry is not supposed to tell the future, it’s supposed to tell the past.
Firstly, I tried out this website. It doesn’t so much explain how to read your palm, but more reads it for you and tells you the result. This is what it said for me, I’ll make it small because it’s very wordy:
"Dynamism, power, leadership and zest characterise your personality. Highly energised and enthusiastic, you hold out even during tough times. But remember not to overdo this. Your decision-making is swift and on-the-spot most of the times. Versatility is thy other name. You are also romantic, but with a generous dash of challenge thrown in.
Your index finger is short. This makes you a dependable team player. A position of command is not for you. But you do have a keen eye for detail. You can be impulsive; not all your moves are quite rational. Look out! Stress could get the better of you. Your index finger being longer than your ring finger points to you being realistic but aggressive at the same time. Yet, you are not able to stand your ground at times. Your sense of judgement is finely balanced. Your middle finger being longer than the adjoining fingers in length signifies an even view towards life. You are extremely organised; seldom ever do you 'come apart' in any situation. You seem to have all stages of your life worked out to the last detail, and possess an unbiased and sagacious personality. You evaluate and analyse all your actions towards achieving your goals in life and get there through sheer dedication and will power. The top of your ring finger is in level with the base of the fingernail of your middle finger. You are a sweet talker and can seduce most people and bend them to your will. But this style may have only short-lived results! Since your little finger is set lower than your other fingers, you encumber and impede your own life. The pursuit of goals seems unimportant to you and hence you make no effort to reach out. Your little finger does not reach the first flexure line (joint) of your ring finger. You are a shy introvert and speak only when spoken to. You are intelligent and knowledgeable, yet uncommunicative.
You have a long life and will live to up to about 70. You attach a lot of importance to customs and rituals. You prefer constancy and stability to change. You are deeply attached to your home.
Your head line touches your line of life. You are an extremely conservative person. All innovation is deplorable; you stick resolutely to what you learned during your 'growing up' years. Make sure you don't offend or suffocate others with your fixed ways. Your headline ends in a fork. You contemplate deeply before executing plans. This trait is usually inherent in lawyers and authors. Your headline is medium straight. You are a highly rational individual. You are thought oriented and never act before thinking it through.
You are a highly energetic person who emotes with physical touch. Your personality is marked by a strong sensual presence. You demonstrate your feelings freely - be these feelings of affection or otherwise.
Since your fateline starts in the middle of the palm, it reflects that you have a strong sense of individuality. You are meticulous and full of determination."
I think that was pretty damn interesting. I think it is quite accurate too, I’d say so anyway, but then I never know with these type of things because some of them are so general they could be true for anyone.
But enough of this lesbian jam! I want to know how to actually read a palm, not just the outcome!
Left, Right, Left
The palm you read should be your dominant hand, so it will depend on whether you are right or left handed. Apparently, right handed people are usually more logical and left handed people are usually more creative, this is due to the corresponding sides of the brain attached to these hands. How interesting!
Fingers
Different fingers are said to signify different things:
Index finger = Ego & Ambition
Middle Finger = Balance
Ring Finger = Emotions & Creativity
Little Finger = Communication
I hope you like this little picture I drew.
Obviously if your hand actually looks like that it's probably been mangled in some sort of horrific accident, and I'm very sorry indeed.
The whole line reading thing is pretty obvious - if a line, for example your head line is very straight then that supposedly means that you have very fixed ways of thinkings. If it is curved it means you have the ability to be very flexible in the way you think. This applies to all lines, really. A short line may signify short sightedness in terms of ways of thinking, and a head line which branches out might mean someone who can think in a variety of ways.
Y&N Spinoffs - This person has, and this person has plans to do their own versions of Yays & Nays... which is fine by me because I stole the concept in the first place. Imitation is the queerest form of Tony Slattery, as they say. Hoorah!
R.I.P Angus - Angus the fish is dead. Sad times. He was buried in a box full of his favourite things: a pea, some fish food, a pebble and some water from his tank.Would you like to know some facts? Of course you would, facts are fun!
You know how much I love maths, so let’s try and work this out shall we…
The average life expectancy in the UK for women is 81.6… let’s call it 82. There’s 24 hours in the day, and 4 lots of 15 minutes in an hour. So 4 X 24 = 96 (that’s 96 times a day a woman thinks about her weight.) 365 days a year = 35,040 times a year. If we presume women become conscious of their weight at around 12 - that’s 70 years of worrying about their weight, which equals to 2,452,800 times in a lifetime. We’ll assume each thought lasts roughly 5 seconds: that’s 12,264,000 seconds a lifetime women spend worrying about their weight. There are 86400 seconds in a day. 12,264,000 / 86400 = 141.93.
So that’s 141.93 days of their lives that the average UK woman spends thinking about her weight.
Looking at the facts, I’d rather just carry on with my life worrying every 15 minutes than lose 10 years of it. I can’t help thinking I’ve done the maths wrong. I probably have, but that’s not the point. The point is, women shouldn’t feel that they have to worry this much – every 15 minutes… that’s more often than the average man thinks about sex! Something is very wrong here.
This meeting had an awfully scary amount of bigwigs (that's a scary word, isn't it - bigwigs... sounds like earwigs... eugh). I felt exteremly out of my depth. But for no justifiable reason, actually. I mean, I understood everything they were talking about - I know how the company and most of the departments are run, and I run mine well but these people were just so... corporate.
This all god me thinking. I would consider getting a tattoo, I'm not against them at all, but I do believe that it's not something to be done on a whim. Tattoos have to have a deep, personal meaning, because they're going to be around for as long as you are. This is probably why quotes are so popular as tattoos - they mean a lot to a lot of people. That's why I put quotes on this blog, because one articulate sentence say and mean so much. I don't think I could choose just the one though.
The ‘Mad’ Person
This is the person that you get ‘warned about’ when you first start out, because they’re so ‘crazy’. If it’s a man he’ll probably demonstrate his ‘madness’ by wearing some sort of comedy tie, and if it’s a woman she’ll just have really frizzy hair.
Often heard saying: “You don’t have to be mad to work here, BUT I FUCKING AM!”
The Lady Who Talks To Herself
I had one of these once who not only talked to herself, but also swore at herself incredibly loudly and without warning. It was quite terrifying.
Often heard saying: “You stupid bitch!” or "Oh sh... sugar lumps!"
The Pervy Old Man
Possibly was attractive 30 years ago, but now resides in a corner of the office, only emerging to ‘accidentally’ graze the young female temp’s arses, and look down their tops.
Often heard saying: “Why, that’s a lovely necklace you’ve got on, dear.”
The Depressed Over-Eater
This lovely lady will spend all day eating and drinking at her desk, and then make a big deal about telling everyone around her not to tell anyone about her frequent visits to the biscuit tin.
Often heard saying: “It’s Hilda’s birthday? Oh, well it would be rude not to eat several cakes then.”
The Ex-Pretty Girl
Used to be the pretty girl, but since she started working there floods of temps have flitted in and she is now noticeably less attractive than them. She hates them. She enjoys making subtle jibes at them and littering her desk with photos of her from several years ago.
Often heard saying: "Of course, you wouldn't know that because you're new."
The Slag
Has shagged at least 4 people in the office. And has given at least 2 of them crabs.
Attire: As little as office ettiquette will allow.
The Know-It-All Temp
Self explanatory really, except the difference between a 'Know-It-All' and 'Know-It-All Temp' is that a temp doesn't actually know everything, they just think they do. The current Know-It-All Temp in my office wears a suit and a scowl every single day. I bloody hate temps, and I bloody am one.
Attire: A hideously cheap suit.
The Apathetic Worker
Admittedly, this is the majority of people. We all know office work sucks, we only work there because we’re too unimaginative and/or lazy to get a different job.
Often heard saying: "Just put it in the ‘B-1N’ file."
The Participator
Participates in everything and anything they possibly can. Possibly as a way to get out of work. You’ll be able to spot them, they’ll be the ones dressed as a Father Christmas on the 1st of December, whilst making paper chains to string around their desks.
Often heard saying: “Next Tuesday is Pancake day! Let’s all come to work dressed like pancakes, and hang pancakes from the ceiling!”
Olympics - I love that everyone gets really into the Olympics. Much better than the World Cup, because no-one likes football really, we all know it's just invented to make men look manly.
Chavs - If you want a job, work somewhere that doesn't require intelligence, or social skills. Don't come to my office, because no-one will like you.We’ve run out of extention leads.
The fridge and the kettle are our priorities at this current time, but I’m beginning to think that I could live without hot food and and kettle in exchange for a little bit of internet-type magic.
Oh, and did I mention the bloke that came to fix the electricity (who, incidentally, looked like a stunned owl) thinks it may have been rats chewing through the wires? Well he does.
He also showed us his pubes.
All kettle and no internet make Sophie a mad girl.
All kettle and no internet make Sophie a mad girl.
All kettle and no internet make Sophie a mad girl.
All kettle and no internet make Sophie a mad girl.
“The tax-man’s taken all my dough, and left me in my stately home, lazing on a sunny afternoon.”
Ok, so it's quite an explicit song in terms of meaning, there’s not really anything ambiguous about the lyrics except the fact that it’s a ‘sunny afternoon’, but the tone of the song is quite happy I think, happy and relaxed and the singer’s not particularly worried that his girlfriend’s stolen his car and is telling her parents that he’s an abusive alcoholic.
9. Mamma Mia - ABBA
“I’ve been cheated by you since I don’t know when”
… the ABBA girls chirp happily, whilst dancing around in white mini-dresses. A bit weird? I think so. Keep an eye on Cissy’s blog for a nice big rant about ABBA.“Every smile you fake, every claim you stake I’ll be watching you.”
Pretty much the ultimate in ambiguous songs. Everyone knows it’s about a stalker, but I felt like I had to put it in here because, to be honest, I wanted to listen to it again.
7. Who Loves The Sun - Velvet Underground
“Who loves the sun, who cares that it makes grass grow? Who cares what it does since you broke my heart? Who loves the sun? Not everyone.”
Supposedly this is a rhetorical question, “Who loves the sun?" “Why, everyone loves the sun of course!” But oh no, contraire my dears, not the Velvets! They’re far too cool for all that! They don’t even hate it! They just don’t give a flying fig’s hoot... Now, let’s all go do some heroin.
6. Getting Better - The Beatles
“It’s getting better all the time... I used to be cruel to my woman, I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved.”
WTF? Ok then. So Heather was right then was she Paul?! This otherwise happy little song has the most bizarre line plonked right in the middle that makes me wonder if it was there to shock people, or to give the whole song a bit of a sinister undertone… or maybe just for lolz.“Don’t forget that you’re condemned to me. Can’t you see? You always were.”
This starts off as a nice song, some slightly odd but I suppose reasonable requests, (or ‘rules’) but then goes a bit strange at the end of the chorus. But then again I know a few people who wouldn’t see being condemned to Shakira as a bad thing…“It’s such a perfect day, I’m glad I spent it with you. Oh such a perfect day, you just keep me hanging on.”
“Such a perfect day, you made me forget myself, I thought I was someone else, someone good.”
I’ll always be in two minds about this song. Realistically (and statistically) Lou Reed song’s generally aren’t about nice things like going to the zoo. Unless all the animals are transvestites or addicts. Let’s face it, this song is about heroin addiction. Especially that last bit - “You’re going to reap, just what you sow.”
On facebook, the advert on the sidebar changes quite a lot, but it's always relevant to the person who's logged in. Facebook knows a lot about you, and obviously changes the advertising depending on a few facts (age, gender, sexuality, location, etc.)
Billy Joel & Elton John - You know, I realised how sad I am the other night when I was having a whale of a time cleaning the kitchen listening to 'River of Dreams'. 'Crocodile Rock' is now on my 'walking to work' playlist. I need to get out more.
Work Stress - My job gets more and more stressful by the day, and it's giving me headaches. I'm disinclined to call them 'migranes' but they are really horrible, and ridiculously frequent.The other night I got incredibly bored. When I get bored, occasionally I attempt to amuse myself by writing stupid poems. I like poems to be fun to read, make no sense, and to have a nice rhythm and rhyme. So here we go, the result of my boredom...
There’s no such thing as a drole unicorn,
There’s no such thing as a ludicrous prawn,
There’s no such thing as an owl that’s well read,
There’s no such thing as thoughts in your head.
There’s no such thing as birds in the sea,
There’s no such thing as gravity.
There’s no such thing as a house with no space,
There’s no such thing as a watch with no face,
There’s no such thing as a bad cup of tea,
There’s no such thing as certainty.
There’s no such thing as a courteous coup,
There’s no such thing as a viscous canoe.
There’s no such thing as a crab that can skip,
There’s no such thing as an angry parsnip,
There’s no such thing as a predictable shoe,
There’s no such thing as a lie that is true.
There’s no such thing as a whale on a string,
There’s no such thing as no such thing.
it is most mad and moonly
and less it shall unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea
love is less always than to win
less never than alive
less bigger than the least begin
less littler than forgive
Libraries - As I said before, I've been looking at lots of pictures of libraries lately. I just like the aesthetic I suppose. I also love doors and lamp posts (but only nice old ones... so I'm not completely sad) and have been known to snap a few photos of them on my camera phone once or twice. L-O-S-E-R.
Late Nights - I'm an idiot. Every morning I wake up and tell myself tonight I'll get a proper night's sleep. It never happens. For some stupid reason I just don't go to bed when I should. I'm pretty sure it's a teenage thing.
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