Tuesday, 13 April 2010

How To Deal With A Pervert

As a barmaid I endure a lot of this chauvinist shite on a daily basis.

For example, the other week a very odd man was standing at the bar directly opposite the till I was using. Everytime I went to that end of the bar he would stare at me very obviously. I asked him if he was ok, and he asked if he could buy me a drink, which I refused because he was obviously a few cuckoos short of a nest. The next time I went to use my till he said to me, “Would you marry a black man?” (he was black). It was at this point that the pervert ring comes in handy. Here are several ways I know to avoid drunk perverts:

  1. The Pervert Ring – The pervert ring, as rude as it sounds, is a ring that female bar staff wear to avoid speaking to pervy customers. It doesn’t need to even be on the right hand - all you need to do is wave a be-ringed hand at a drunk pervert and it's amazing how most of them will shut up and leave you alone.
  2. The Scary Boyfriend - Get the scariest male member of staff to pretend to be your boyfriend and look menacing. For fucks sake don’t pretend a female member of staff is your girlfriend… for obvious reasons.
  3. The non-MILF - Something you can say to people who ask for your number if they look even slightly younger than you is “What! I’m old enough to be your mother!” This, at the very least, will confuse them. When they ask how old you are make up some ridiculous age and walk away.
  4. The Fucking Insane – Whatever you do, just make them think you’re fucking insane. Host a ‘who can snort like a pig the loudest’ competition. Sing a lovely song for your admiring customers – I recommend ‘Mama’ by the Spice Girls purely because it’s got some awesome high notes that will piss them off. ‘Angels’ by Robbie Williams is equally perfect. Shouting out words or phrases at random, or if you're able maybe even a bit of spontaneous crying might be nice.
  5. The “You Disgust Me” – In a similar vein to the last one – just make them completely disgusted by you. If someone is obviously staring at you – now is a great time to proclaim that you need a wee. Or pretend to pick your nose. Make up a song about STIs. “I’ve got crabs, I’ve got crabs I’ve got crabs…” to the tune of ‘Let It Snow’ is a nice one. Or, have a loud conversation about something gross, such as, “How are your mum’s genital warts getting along?”
  6. The “…no.” – Saying a simple “no” can be quite funny. There’s the ‘Pissed-off’ “no”, the ‘Monotone’ “no”, ‘The WTF’ “no” etc. You can add a reason if you like, such as “… because you’ve spent the whole evening staring at my colleagues arse” or “… because you’re a twat”. You can also put the situation in perspective for them, for example: “… I’d rather rape a dolphin”, “… I’d rather put my foot in a blender, then drink it”.
These are, of course, to be used only on perverted wankers. If a genuinely nice and sober person is trying to chat you up (this has happened maybe twice the whole time I’ve worked on a bar) then it’s a horrifically embarrassing experience and you should politely decline. Unless you’re up for it, in which case… wahey!

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