Happily

Basically, I’m sick and tired of hearing about ‘fairytale’ weddings. I blame 'Four Weddings'. The quality of your marriage does not equate to how poofy your hideous dress is, you tasteless, idiotic whores.

All little girls are taught that if you’re pretty (don't even get me started on what 'pretty' means these days) then a nice prince will come and get you and you’ll get married ('Hello!' magazine will pay as long as you're not fat) and you'll live happily ever after. The end.

What did Snow White ever do? Wash those little old blokes pants? Bake their godamn pies? I’m glad she let a bird stamp all over them, I hope it shat in them too the chauvinistic bastards! I bet she didn’t see a single one of those diamonds they mined. They couldn't even eat soup until she showed them. Cinderella did fuck all but put a nice dress on and lose her bloody shoes. Don’t get me started on Sleeping Beauty, lazy bitch. I certainly wouldn’t marry those passive excuses for women. Belle’s alright, I suppose, but that prince was a twat before he was made into a beast, what makes her think he's suddenly changed? He was really mean to the candlestick man! I godamn love Lumiere, he was the best fucking character except for the teapot.

The problem is our generation, and the generation before us to some extent have blurred lines of reality – fairytales, even the ones presented on reality tv, are not real. They’re something that’s told to little girls and chavs to make sure they adhere to certain expectations. Like Father Christmas, or David Bowie. This situation has been dubbed the ‘Knight in shining armour affect’. I’m sure you’ve seen Shrek – that Prince Charming was a wanker and a half. So was Shrek, actually. If you ask me, that Cat with the cape was the real catch, he was a snappy dresser at least.

You are not a princess and your life is not a fairytale. You have opinions, and ambitions. No one gives a shit about what you do - not really. You will, if you choose, get married: do the washing up, do the school run, sleep, eat, argue, and work… but the most important thing is that it doesn’t mean that you won’t live happily ever after.