Firefighter

I just did a search for 'careers with an English degree' and guess what was on the list? Firefighter. No, really. Along with car salesman, travel agent and, the real kick in the teeth: receptionist, which was actually my job before I went to uni.

Fuck you, list.

Clare

Little Trotty Wagtail

Little trotty wagtail he went in the rain,
And tittering, tottering sideways he neer got straight again,
He stooped to get a worm, and looked up to get a fly,
And then he flew away ere his feathers they were dry.

Little trotty wagtail, he waddled in the mud,
And left his little footmarks, trample where he would.
He waddled in the water-pudge, and waggle went his tail,
And chirrupt up his wings to dry upon the garden rail.

Little trotty wagtail, you nimble all about,
And in the dimpling water-pudge you waddle in and out;
Your home is nigh at hand, and in the warm pig-stye,
So, little Master Wagtail, I'll bid you a good-bye.

-- John Clare

Prostitute

What you're trying to say is... you're a prostitute.

Coat

We interrupt this blog to bring you...



Ringo's amazing coat!

That is all.

Curry Love

Ok, so you'll either love me or hate me for showing you this. It is Tim Curry singing 'Baby Love'. I know, right?



Needs more cowbell. Also, wtfchristmastree? Also, why's it so godamn slow? Regardless, this takes awesome to new extremes.

He's also released at least one album... and it's not awful! Hooray! So yes, this is how I ended up watching ridiculous Tim Curry videos at nearly two in the morning. I also found an interview of him in 1969 speaking French... if I knew how to swoon I'm sure I'd be doing it all over the shop.

Has anyone seen my tambourine?

Help!

John: What are you doing on the floor?
Ringo: I'm tired

Happily

Basically, I’m sick and tired of hearing about ‘fairytale’ weddings. I blame 'Four Weddings'. The quality of your marriage does not equate to how poofy your hideous dress is, you tasteless, idiotic whores.

All little girls are taught that if you’re pretty (don't even get me started on what 'pretty' means these days) then a nice prince will come and get you and you’ll get married ('Hello!' magazine will pay as long as you're not fat) and you'll live happily ever after. The end.

What did Snow White ever do? Wash those little old blokes pants? Bake their godamn pies? I’m glad she let a bird stamp all over them, I hope it shat in them too the chauvinistic bastards! I bet she didn’t see a single one of those diamonds they mined. They couldn't even eat soup until she showed them. Cinderella did fuck all but put a nice dress on and lose her bloody shoes. Don’t get me started on Sleeping Beauty, lazy bitch. I certainly wouldn’t marry those passive excuses for women. Belle’s alright, I suppose, but that prince was a twat before he was made into a beast, what makes her think he's suddenly changed? He was really mean to the candlestick man! I godamn love Lumiere, he was the best fucking character except for the teapot.

The problem is our generation, and the generation before us to some extent have blurred lines of reality – fairytales, even the ones presented on reality tv, are not real. They’re something that’s told to little girls and chavs to make sure they adhere to certain expectations. Like Father Christmas, or David Bowie. This situation has been dubbed the ‘Knight in shining armour affect’. I’m sure you’ve seen Shrek – that Prince Charming was a wanker and a half. So was Shrek, actually. If you ask me, that Cat with the cape was the real catch, he was a snappy dresser at least.

You are not a princess and your life is not a fairytale. You have opinions, and ambitions. No one gives a shit about what you do - not really. You will, if you choose, get married: do the washing up, do the school run, sleep, eat, argue, and work… but the most important thing is that it doesn’t mean that you won’t live happily ever after.

Dougal

I'm just saying.

Two Of Us

"You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead"

Ringo looks fucking awesome in this video... like a sad, French puppy.

Welcome Home

Yes, this is my new slant on homes. Ironically, my house is quite slanted too, but that's neither here nor there. Well, I'm both here... and there... but never mind.

My idea is that we put too much thought into the concept of 'home' and this quite often has negative consequences. We get homesick, we wonder why other peoples houses are nicer than ours, we get upset when someone spray paints a picture of a penis onto our front door, etc. All these things could be avoided if we got rid of the concept of homes altogether. Take a more cowboy sort of approach and just say "where ever you are, you're home". This, aside from being fantastic news to the many people stranded around the world as a result of the Icelandic volcano, is designed to inspire less fretting which I have found comes with the concept of having a 'home'. They're more bloody trouble than they're worth, basically!

I'm not saying that if you're reading this on a bus then your home is a moving tin which smells of piss and is full of old people. I mean that home is more of a state of mind than a location. If you're comfortable inside your own head, then you're home where ever you are. Any place where you happen to regularly sleep and keep your stuff is unimportant in comparison to the head that you're going to be stuck in indefinitely. That's the thing you want to be looking after.

So, if you're some sort of giant robotic latrine, then perhaps your home is a moving tin which smells of piss, but you can't help that. I realise there are many, many flaws my this idea, so feel free to point them out and I'll ignore them. Just don't spray paint any penises on anything.

Hang On To Your Ego

Once again, the infinite wisdom of The Beach Boys rears it's head.



I know so many people
Who think they can do it alone
They isolate their heads
And stay in their safety zones

Now what can you tell them
What can you say that
Won't make them defensive?

Hang on to your ego
Hang on, but I know that
You're gonna lose the fight

They come on like their peaceful
But inside they're so uptight
They trip through the day
And waste all their thoughts at night

Hang on to your ego
Hang on, but I know that
You're gonna lose the fight

Mercury

"When I grow older,
I will be there at your side,
To remind you how I still love you"

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm mourning Freddie Mercury, and I think I always will be. The whole world is. Watching Queen videos on YouTube, it's ridiculous how many people are so upset they weren't even alive at the same time as him, let alone never went to a Queen concert (not modern Queen... Queen is only Queen with Freddie). Someone even commented, "It's been like 18 years since his death and he's still everywhere" and it's completely true.

You don't get people saying this crap about most people. Even Princess bloomin' Diana! Sheeshes! Some guy was literally begging God to return him to earth... he was all "our children's children will be waiting for his return..." crikey, that would be a bit odd, wouldn't it? I'm not sure he'd fully thought it through to be honest with you. Zombies of any kind are not top of my wishlist, even if he is Freddie Mercury. He didn't want to live forever, anyway... sorry, it had to be said. So, not going quite to messiah level, most people were very genuinely sad indeed about him not being here.

What was it about Freddie Mercury that makes his absence felt so much by so many people? I have a theory that he wasn't supposed to die, and that his death has caused some sort of bizarre world/space/time altering event that probably, if not definitely, caused global warming and several other natural disasters. But it's just a theory.

The best thing about Queen is I could believe anyone to be a hardcore Queen fan. Literally anyone. An old lady with a blue rinse, or a skinhead. Do skinheads still exist? Whatever. That's why Queen are awesome, because at the end of the day they make unquestionably fucking great music. And Freddie took that music and sung it beautifully into people's lives and record collections for decades to come.

Overheard #28

Rod Stewart: [singing] Wake up Maggie...
Bloke: ... you lazy bitch!

Shouldn't, But Is

Four Things it is not shouldn't be my job to do

1. Break up fights
   
2. Remind people how to behave in public
   
3. Tell people when they've had enough to drink
4. Read minds
   

Defying Gravity

The song more famous than the musical. Which version do you prefer?



Glee Soundtrack


Wicked OST

Kisses

"Do not kiss your children so they will kiss you back but so they will kiss their children, and their children’s children."

Ladies

Since watching lots of music videos from the late 90s/early 00s, I've decided that if I liked women that my type would totally be Andrea Corr and Sharleen Spiteri. They're just beautiful.



Also, I can't be the only one who assumed Sharleen Spiteri was gay for like ages... apparently she's not, but has a large lesbian fan base. Who knew! Thanks Wikipedia for allowing me to stalk whomever I like whenever I like with ease and speed.

And no, I don't know what that shitty cheap Texas video is about... the only good video they had was for 'In Demand' and that was all down to Alan Rickman and the foxy fox that he is.

How To Deal With A Pervert

As a barmaid I endure a lot of this chauvinist shite on a daily basis.

For example, the other week a very odd man was standing at the bar directly opposite the till I was using. Everytime I went to that end of the bar he would stare at me very obviously. I asked him if he was ok, and he asked if he could buy me a drink, which I refused because he was obviously a few cuckoos short of a nest. The next time I went to use my till he said to me, “Would you marry a black man?” (he was black). It was at this point that the pervert ring comes in handy. Here are several ways I know to avoid drunk perverts:

1. The Pervert Ring – The pervert ring, as rude as it sounds, is a ring that female bar staff wear to avoid speaking to pervy customers. It doesn’t need to even be on the right hand - all you need to do is wave a be-ringed hand at a drunk pervert and it's amazing how most of them will shut up and leave you alone.
2. The Scary Boyfriend - Get the scariest male member of staff to pretend to be your boyfriend and look menacing. For fucks sake don’t pretend a female member of staff is your girlfriend… for obvious reasons.
3. The non-MILF - Something you can say to people who ask for your number if they look even slightly younger than you is “What! I’m old enough to be your mother!” This, at the very least, will confuse them. When they ask how old you are make up some ridiculous age and walk away.
4. The Fucking Insane – Whatever you do, just make them think you’re fucking insane. Host a ‘who can snort like a pig the loudest’ competition. Sing a lovely song for your admiring customers – I recommend ‘Mama’ by the Spice Girls purely because it’s got some awesome high notes that will piss them off. ‘Angels’ by Robbie Williams is equally perfect. Shouting out words or phrases at random, or if you're able maybe even a bit of spontaneous crying might be nice.
   
5. The “You Disgust Me” – In a similar vein to the last one – just make them completely disgusted by you. If someone is obviously staring at you – now is a great time to proclaim that you need a wee. Or pretend to pick your nose. Make up a song about STIs. “I’ve got crabs, I’ve got crabs I’ve got crabs…” to the tune of ‘Let It Snow’ is a nice one. Or, have a loud conversation about something gross, such as, “How are your mum’s genital warts getting along?”
6. The “…no.” – Saying a simple “no” can be quite funny. There’s the ‘Pissed-off’ “no”, the ‘Monotone’ “no”, ‘The WTF’ “no” etc. You can add a reason if you like, such as “… because you’ve spent the whole evening staring at my colleagues arse” or “… because you’re a twat”. You can also put the situation in perspective for them, for example: “… I’d rather rape a dolphin”, “… I’d rather put my foot in a blender, then drink it”.

These are, of course, to be used only on perverted wankers. If a genuinely nice and sober person is trying to chat you up (this has happened maybe twice the whole time I’ve worked on a bar) then it’s a horrifically embarrassing experience and you should politely decline. Unless you’re up for it, in which case… wahey!

Grandfather Advised Me

Grandfather
advised me:

Learn a trade

I learned
to sit at desk

and condense

No layoff
from this
condensery


--Lorine Niedecker

On The Radio

You're young until you're not.
You love until you don't.
You try until you can't.
You laugh until you cry.
You cry until you laugh.
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath.

10 Awesome Scenes

Now I'm not saying that these are the best, or even my favourite scenes in cinematic history... I just think these scenes are amongst some of the many awesome that films have to offer, and you could do a worse than to gobble them all up with your eyes and ears like a turkey starved of pop-culture.

1. The Graduate - "ELAAAAIIINNNNEEEE!!"



2. Annie Hall - "Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buik"



3. My Best-Friend's Wedding - 'I Say A Little Prayer' Scene



4. The Seven Year Itch - 'Chopsticks Scene'



5. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - 'Bat Country Scene'



6. High Fidelity - 'Track One Side Ones Scene'



7. Hard Day's Night - "Smoke-screen of Bourgeois Cliches" / 'If I Fell Scene'



8. Romeo + Juliet - 'Drag Mercutio Scene'



9. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind - "Am I Ugly?"



10. Meet Me In St. Louis - 'The Trolley Song'

Regulars

Four reasons that 'The Regulars' in a pub are called 'Regulars'

1. They are in the pub regularly
2. They are regular (as in, normal) - the usual regular is your run of the mill old bloke. Normal 'Regular' hobbies include: football, fishing, beer, cars, violence towards both men and women
3. They are regular (in toilet terms) - don't ask me how I know this.
4. I regularly have this exact conversation with any one of them:

Regular: Sophie! How are you?
Me: Hello! I'm good thanks, how are you?
Regular: Oh, I'm much better for seeing you, darlin'
Me: (Feigning surprise and enthusiasm) Thanks!

Well Done

"Well begun is half done."
-- Mary Poppins

Abbey Webcam

Did you know there's a webcam monitoring the Abbey Road crossing? Well, there is, and it's not even one of those shitty webcams, either! No sir!

If it's the middle of the day you will often see tourists holding up traffic and nearly getting run over on this crossing, posing badly as they try to reinact the famous album cover. If it's late at night you can watch nothing happen... but that would be very boring and creepy of you.

Fortune

"Henceforth I ask not good-fortune, I myself am good-fortune."
-- Walt Whitman

Top 10 Ringo Drum Moments

Ringo is such an awesome drummer that I often find myself listening to the drums part of a song more than the rest of it. Whilst I'm not an expert on drums, I am an expert on Ringo. Overshadowed and underrated in the context of The Beatles, it's time to recognise that he's actually an incredibly talented musician. Here are some of his best moments.

10. You're Gonna Lose That Girl



This would be higher if he wasn't smoking whilst drumming. Not big and not clever.

9. Ticket To Ride



Purely for the awesome rolls. Paul McCartney looks like a wanker in this video - just an observation.

8. Taxman



7. Drive My Car



6. Get Back



5. The End (His only drum solo in The Beatles)



4. Rain



3. Helter Skelter



"III'VE GOT BLISTERS ON MY FINGERS!"

2. Come Together



Sorry John Lennon, but anyone can make up weird lyrics. The man drumming his tits off behind you is the one carrying that song.

1. Here Comes The Sun



The song hasn't started until Ringo starts playing.

Equipt

Four pieces of equipment that would make baking much better

1. An oven which has specific temperatures rather than 'on', and 'off'
2. Digital/accurate scales
3. A candy thermometer
4. More than one mixing bowl

7.5

My sincerest apologies for not being alive for the last week or so. I intend to rectify the situation retroactively, indefinitely, and posthumously.

Ok, so what have I been doing, I hear you not asking! Well, very much! I've been baking mostly, this has led me on the typical tangent of reading blogs, except now I am obsessed with cooking blogs. The only problem with these is that I realise how amazing some people are, and I feel the need to improve my skills pretty sharpish. If I intend to be a tearoom co-owner worth her salt (or sugar, in this case) , I shall have to get down on it, as Kool & The Gang would say.

At the moment I would rate my skills as a baker at around 7.5. I'm pretty damn awesome, I'll humbly admit, I even shock myself how delicious some of the crap I make is. I am focusing now mainly on desserts and things of a truly scrumptious nature. However, I have had some mistakes, and I generally don't have a lot of time, money or equiptment to be a perfect 10 but wear a 12. Apron size, that is. Cath Kidson. Floral.

Also, it's quite embarassing going to the same supermarket every few days and buying a mountain of chocolate, butter, cream and sugar. I swear they think I just put it in a big trough and nom it all up for dinner. I know those judgemental looks.

They can fuck off, anyway. Everyone knows the best food is 90% butter - sweet or savoury. The day I successfully make croissants or macaroons is the day I ascend to awesomer than awesomeville. Seriously, it's a godamn science making macaroons, you need a copper pot, temperatures, etc. etc. It's all about ions. Considering my scales are about 25g out either way, I'm simply not equipt for such precise baking. (See next post.) Especially considering the oven might as well be a fucking pile of twigs that we set on fire - I'm willing to bet that it's older than my mother, and she's no spring chicken.

It's become a bit of a mission of mine to make as many desserts as is humanly possible, each more difficult than the next. The top of this triangle of awesomeness are croissants, macaroons, then a step down are napoleons, then lamingtons, and various other desserts all waiting to be conquered. Screw you, lemon merangue pie! Fuck off tart tartin! Bugger off banoffee pie! I totally own your asses! I'm on to greener, more difficult pastures... ganache with panache, and choux poofier than Brighton Pride!