Stupid Bikes

I recently bought a new bike lock. This is because some idiot thought it would be funny to take my old one - I know it was old and really rubbish, and I was going to buy a new one but that's not the point.

The thing that annoys me is that I had to pay £13 to get this bike lock so I can cycle to work, so I won't get murdered on the way home at 3am, when actually I wouldn't need to cycle at all let alone buy a new bike lock if the people around here weren't such idiotic thugs.

Now I have to work for over 2 hours just to earn back the money I spent on this new lock. Seems a bit stupid, doesn't it?

Condensed Songs

Lollerskates at this...

Fifty years of pop songs condensed into a single sentence.

Very interesting.

Aggressive Malfoys

If I remember rightly, Cissy once referred to me as “the most aggressive person [she] know[s]”1… it might have been 'violent' actually, but I’m not sure. After much thought and deliberation, I would like to justify this accusation.

I have discovered that this aggression stems from maternal instincts, and the strong need to protect everything and everyone that I love. For example, if anyone, (even the Queen… or Jesus!) hurts anyone I love, I will rip off their bastarding heads and flush them down the toilet, and have no qualms with this whatsoever. This is why my aggression tends to be sporadic.

I was thinking about this today when I had a 1-2-1 with my tutor – the way I behaved in that meeting compared to, for example, how I behave at work. I’m not exactly going to be polite and quiet around the blokes in the pub, they’d eat you alive, but then I can’t exactly tell my tutor to “fuck off” when she tells me my referencing was wrong.

I’d like to think I was generally a nice person, but if I feel threatened... someone’s head’s going down the loo.

1. Malfoy, Narcissa, Things I Think That Sophie Is, (Malfoy Manor, Malfoy Press Ltd. 2007)

Not Today

Today is Thursday. I am aware of this interesting fact. I am also aware that this means that some people might be expecting me to do a certain type of blog today.

Well, tough boobs, you're not getting one. Not today, anyway.

Underrated Food

4 Highly Underrated Foods

1. Overcooked Broccoli
2. Sushi
   
3. Rice pudding
   
4. Pickles

L'Avenir

Here's a little bit of the french essay I've just finished, in case you're interested.

Je voudrais être un professeur d’anglais et travaillerai dans une école primaire ou un collège. Je pense il serait amusant travailler avec des enfants et adolescents, mais aussi plutôt dur, et ça prendai beaucoup de temps.

Je aimerai acheter un grande maison à la campagne avec une jardin jolie parce que je voudrais beaucoup des animaux. Je pourrais marier, mais c’est ne pas essentiel. Toutefois, j’aurai des enfants. Je voudrais un plutôt grande famille, avec beaucoup des enfants - éventuellement trois ou quatre. Je travaillerai à mi-temps, et passerai beaucoup de temps avec ma famille, parce que je pense c’est plus important que l’argent. Je pourrais-être une romancière – ou je pourrais écrire pour la télévision. Je aimerai ecrire professionnellement.

Je voudrais faire du beaucoup des choses intéressant avant j’ai trente ans. Je voyagerai toute le monde et faire la connaissance de beaucoup des gens intéressant.

I suppose it's quite similar to my list of things I want to do, only more general. I keep meaning to update that list actually.

Chauve-Souris

Est-ce tu sais...?

Si je pourrais-être quelconque chose dans le monde qui vole, je serais une chauve-souris et abattrais sur tu.

Madhatter

This picture has been zooming around the internet faster than a nun at the Jesus Olympics. It is allegedy the first picture of Johnny Depp in Tim Burton's new Alice in Wonderland film.


Despite looking quite cool, and being Tim Burton's style - big hair, pale face etc. I think it's fake. Isn't it a bit early to have the character designs out already? Maybe not, but why is it so blurry? And why are there none of the other characters?

Looks suspiciously like a photoshopped Pirates of the Caribbean photo to me. Also, that orange bit on his hat looks suspiciously like Jack Sparrow's headband... hmmm... smells of photoshop... and ginger...

Do you think it's real? Do you like it? Do you care?

Two Films

Yesterday I watched Bridget Jones (the second one) and Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Two fantastic films - these are my favourite bits from each of them:



Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason



Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Political Compass

Following the advice of Narcissa Malfoy, I partook in the Political Compass questionnaire for the umpteenth time in my life.

The conclusion I get from this, is that I'm already getting more authoritarian as I get older. It's quite sad really, but to be honest I think it's because the older you get the more you realise that everone's a moronic twat who needs to be told what to do. Seriously.

Anyway, this is my political compass graph-type-thingy:

It is rather beautiful.

Go on then... get yours out! I don't want no godamn tories reading my blog!

Pretty Penguins

Penguin have just designed some new covers for their classics. Actually, it was a lady called Coralie Bickford-Smith. Obviously they're not going to be the default ones but I'm sure if you're very rich and a bit stupid you could buy these:I think I like the look of Wuthering Heights, Sense & Sensibility the best... maybe Dorian Gray. It's all good. The designs are individually based on a theme or image in each book, which makes them all very nice indeed!

Affirmation

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

(The song is by Savage Garden incase you didn't know.)

Annoying Cornflour

Voila!


Finished Essay – That’s right, another one bites the dust… and now it’s time to start an even more important one which is due in Janurary.

People – Some people on my course are really very lovely.

Sabrina – We’ve watched 4 episodes of Sabrina this morning, and I can’t believe how amazing that programme was… it’s bloody hilarious!


Annoyance – I’m hoping this will be irrelevant by the time this is posted, but I’m highly annoyed at the moment, and I’m expecting compensation.

Money – Christmas and two ‘holidays’ (pah!) in a month are taking their toll on my poor little bank account.

Corn Flour – I dropped a box of cornflour on my laptop and now the keys are filled with it… I keep getting dusty fingers.

Ventricle

Another highly scientific venn-diagram for you. Just something I have noticed.

Essay Time

Why don't you...

Hand in that essay?

...it's due in today!

And congratumalations to all the clever people who have handed in work recently! You all deserve a nice rest!

Necessary Windows

Thought it was time to do a wordier blog… because I felt like it…

I’m stressed out with my vest out*, and feel the need to cheer myself up because I'm all sad like but I’m not really sure how. This is odd.

Ok, I’m listening to Jump Around by House of Pain and I’ve noticed a 20% improvement, which is significant really. It's a fun song, with a cheeky hint of aggression. I came to get down, I came to get down, so get out of your seat and jump around.

So now I’ve decided that I intend this particular post to be some sort of blog homage to Virginia Woolf, even though she sucks harder than a monkey on a toffee. I’m the cream of the crop, I rise to the top. That is in the sense that it’s not so much got a plot, or even very much content, but it’s purely about the stream of thought and the present moment… enjoy the ride folks - that’s what Virginia Woolf says! Jump up, jump up and get down.

"I look through my window so bright, I see the stars come out tonight." Who uttered these immortal words? Was it: a) Virginia Woolf b) Iggy Pop? Of course it was Iggy Pop you fool of a crumpet! Any salty bugger will tell you that. The point, not that I seem to be making any, being that it could easily have been either. Virgina Woolf likes looking out windows. Cue venn-diagram:



That hasn't really cheered me up, but atleast we've all learnt something from this experience. Questions? Comments? STIs?

Just don’t give me shit… ‘cause I know that you’re full of it.

Word up.
Peace out.
Trousers down.

*As opposed to ‘chest’… that would be rude! And cold!

Facebook Graph

*Don't come bitching to me if it's innaccurate.

Overheard #6

Drunk man (running): "Dan's a vampire! He ate me! ...Dan I love you!"

Clothes Four Women

Four Men that Occasionally Wear Women's Clothing

1. Eddie Izzard
2. Noel Fielding
3. Stephen Fry
4. Jesus

Lady Lazarus

This is a little bit of a poem I am currently writing an essay on - 'Lady Lazarus' by Sylvia Plath. The full poem is here.

Je suis écrive un essai a l’égard de ‘Lady Lazarus’ par Sylvia Plath – voilà - un peu de l'poème. Le tout entier poème est ici.

"Ash, ash ---
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there----

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air"

-- Sylvia Plath

Phones & Wellies

Hey there... Where ya from? ...Come here often? ...Alrighty then...


Wellies - The season of the wellies is upon us... and it's a marvellous, puddle-splashingly-fun thing indeed.

Writing - Writing essays that is. Ok, so not writing essays, but specifically writing essays about things that I'm interested in. It's a novel thing to be able to write about something I like and actually have it count towards something. I'm currently writing an essay on 'Daddy' and 'Lady Lazarus' by Sylvia Plath. She's a fascinating lady.

On a similar writing vein, I'm very pleased with myself as my article was put in the student newspaper at my university. It's the most dreadfully boring article ever, but it's a start. Now I can start writing some decent stuff people might actually want to read!

Holiday Plans - Well, sort of. I haven't had a proper holiday for ages I realised the other day. That's what happens when everyone you love lives so far away. Nevertheless, I'm very excited and plan to visit people very soon!


Listing - That's right - writing lists. I've been listing a lot lately. It always seems to start happening at crazy times when I'd much rather be stabbing someone in the eye with my pencil than writing with it.

Phones - Keep breaking, and it's a bit rubbish.

Time - It's this time of the year that often gets forgotten - people are just waiting for Christmas and New Year so they forget to live in the present. I'm very guilty of this, mainly because I love Christmas, but I'll try and work on it this year, and have a happy November!

Dis Poetry

Dis poetry is like a riddim dat drops
De tongue fires a riddim dat shoots like shots
Dis poetry is designed fe rantin
Dance hall style, big mouth chanting,
Dis poetry nar put yu to sleep
Preaching follow me
Like yu is blind sheep,
Dis poetry is not Party Political
Not designed fe dose who are critical.
Dis poetry is wid me when I gu to me bed
It gets into me dreadlocks
It lingers around me head
Dis poetry goes wid me as I pedal me bike
I've tried Shakespeare, respect due dere
But did is de stuff I like.

Dis poetry is not afraid of going ina book
Still dis poetry need ears fe hear an eyes fe hav a look
Dis poetry is Verbal Riddim, no big words involved
An if I hav a problem de riddim gets it solved,
I've tried to be more romantic, it does nu good for me
So I tek a Reggae Riddim an build me poetry,
I could try be more personal
But you've heard it all before,
Pages of written words not needed
Brain has many words in store,
Yu could call dis poetry Dub Ranting
De tongue plays a beat
De body starts skanking,
Dis poetry is quick an childish
Dis poetry is fe de wise an foolish,
Anybody can do it fe free,
Dis poetry is fe yu an me,
Don't stretch yu imagination
Dis poetry is fe de good of de Nation,
Chant,
In de morning
I chant
In de night
I chant
In de darkness
An under de spotlight,
I pass thru University
I pass thru Sociology
An den I got a dread degree
In Dreadfull Ghettology.

Dis poetry stays wid me when I run or walk
An when I am talking to meself in poetry I talk,
Dis poetry is wid me,
Below me an above,
Dis poetry's from inside me
It goes to yu
WID LUV.

-- Benjamin Zephaniah

This man is a true genius. We need a lot more poets like him.

Double Meanings

I love: double meanings

I hate: people not getting them

Hot Biscuits

Here's a thought:

why do biscuits need to be dunked for less time the hotter the tea is?

Answers on a postcard - I need to know!

Voilà une pensée*:

pourquoi est-ce que les biscuits avoir besoin etre tremper pour moins de temps si le thé est chaud ?

J’ai besoin de savoir!

*I might be doing this from time to time to help my french. I don't really care if you find it annoying (then don't read it!) - but it's very helpful to me.

Leaves

"To the world you're one person..."

"...but to one person you're the world"

Overheard #5

Posh boy in tweed jacket to small group of people: "...and that's when I started wearing cravattes..."

Fraise Francaise

(Un petit peu de absurdites francais pour toi... j'ai mal à la tete...)

De temps en temps,
Je pense je suis Française.

Je pense je suis un fraise -
Mais je suis plutôt taise.

Ne faire pas du bruit
Tu seras traduit

Comme le langue,
Comme tu feras, sûrement.

Nous sommes multilingue tous -
Mais je ne suis pas.

Je suis un fraise.
Et je ne parle pas fraisecais.

Top 5 Stevie Wonder Songs

Stevie Wonder songs make me happy. I think Motown in general actually. They remind me of happy times from growing up.

Here, as promised, are my top 5 Stevie Wonder songs.

5. I Was Made To Love Her



I remember listening to this song driving to the beach with my mum. Loving the retro-ness of this video.

4. As



I just think it's a nice song. Cheese to the max! The covers don't really do it much justice. For such a well known song it's surprisingly illusive.

3. Superstition



The first 14 seconds or so are sometimes all you need to listen to - which is odd, but true. As seen here performed on Sesame Street which I thought was damn cool - check out the kid dancing like a maniac at 4:11.

2. Uptight (Everything's Alright)



I listened to this most days I walked to work when I was working 9-5. It made me happy and woke me up - good times. Apparently he's 15 in this video. Scary.

1. For Once In My Life



Reminds me of Ally McBeal for some reason... hmmm, Robert Downey Jr... anyway some people might say it's cheesey, but I don't think it's possible to not like an amazing song like this. Have some lyrics, because they're lovely...

For once in my life I have someone who needs me
Someone I've needed so long
For once, unafraid, I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know Ill be strong

For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of
Long before I knew
Someone warm like you
Would make my dreams come true

For once in my life I wont let sorrow hurt me
Not like it hurt me before
For once, I have something I know wont desert me
I'm not alone anymore

For once, I can say, this is mine, you cant take it
As long as I know I have love, I can make it
For once in my life, I have someone who needs me

Cold Obama Cheesecake

C-c-c-c-c-c-check it out, w-w-w-w-what's it all about? ...Thursday!

Obama - Woop!

Cheesecake - It's not quite the new pickles, but I have been wanting a lot of cheesecake for some reason. I also considered putting pickles on cheesecake... I still think that would be amazing, but I don't know if I want to ruin the dream, so I'll leave it. We've got a cheesecake in the fridge.

Fireworks - Kaboooooooooooooooom! They're all loud and pretty. We're going to a display on Saturday! How exciting!


Cold - Cold mornings, to be exact. They make it very difficult to get up in the mornings.

Junkies - Behave yourselves, or go away.

David Tennant - Leaving Dr Who... how could he do this to us?!

Bonfire Night

"Remember, remember the fifth of November,

Gunpowder, treason and plot.

I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot."

I love bonfire night. I'm always surprised that it's pretty much exclusively a British celebration, but then again why would any other countries care about our parliament getting smacked up like a bitch?

What are you doing this year? I'm working... sob... but it might be fun after all, who knows!

I like doing traditional and seasonal things (I always carve a pumpkin at halloween, I always make a gingerbread house at Christmas, I always do an easter egg hunt, etc...) I don't care what they're to do with, whether they're religious or whether they're about burning people alive - it's nice to get into the spirit of things and embrace the time of year. So, for Bonfire Night I've narrowed it down to making minestone soup, or setting George on fire.

5 Songs I Wouldn’t Mind Being Played At My Funeral For Comic Value

It's a bit of a theme in my family to have some sort of ridiculous song played at your funeral. I also thought Rock the Casbah would be a good one, or maybe I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts... hmmm...

1. Another One Bites The Dust – Queen



2. Ashes to Ashes – David Bowie



3. Jump Around – House Of Pain



4. Psycho Killer - Talking Heads



5. I'm Still Standing - Elton John

How To Be A Pedestrian

You would think people knew how to walk on a pavement, but apparently not so this has to be written.

· Do not walk in the cycle path. Whether you’re on a pavement which has a cycle path integrated into the middle of it, or whether you stupidly decide to walk on the cycle path at the side of the road: don’t do it. Are you a bike? Do you have wheels? Then get out of the fucking cycle lane before I run you over.

· Walk at the side of the path. It’s all very well to absently trundle along in the middle of the path if you’ve go nothing better to do, but some people do have things to do and need to get past you. Please walk to one side of the path, it makes it a lot easier for cyclists, and also for people who walk faster than you.

· Don’t walk in a row. I can accept that it would break your heart to be torn away from the side of your 16 friends for a few minutes, but if you would be so kind as to move to the side slightly when you see a bike coming along. You are not the Jackson 5, you don’t need to stand in a row.

· Don’t assume there’s a cycle path. There’s not always a cycle path. If there were cycle paths which didn’t involve risking limbs I’m sure they would be used more. Maybe if all the pedestrians weren’t scattered across the pavement and in the cycle path, there would be more room for bikes.

· Don’t smugly rev at cyclists as you zoom past. Yes, cars go faster than bikes. Well done for noticing that. It might be due to the environment-polluting engine you’ve got there.

· Don’t be offended when they use their bell. It’s not personal dear, you’re just in the way.

The Tale Of Starchy Archie, Your Potatoey Friend

Starchy Archie
Could not march he
Didn’t have any legs.
Instead he had some teaspoons
Which were attached with pegs.

He rolled around the kitchen floor
Until he was quite bruised,
And then he found some eggshells
Which he then wore as shoes.

He clip-clopped to the freezer
Where the ice-cubes helped him out -
They gave him chips for arms as he had
Politely declined the trout.

Now smelling like an omlette,
Archie hobbled without a care
And was thrilled to find some piles of dust
Which he fashioned as his hair.

Now if you ever see Archie,
Waddling past your feet,
Think of him as an inscentive
To keep your kitchen neat!

Hector

"Hector was the first of the gang with a gun in his hand, and the first to do time, the first of the gang to die... such a silly boy..."