El-Em-En-Oh-Pee

If I could divert your attention for a moment to the lovely Cissy M's not-so-lovely blog, where she makes the following observations on my blog:

• I have mentioned David Bowie and Eddie Izzard possibly more than once, and I 'would' both of them
• I exaggerate certain words* or phrases by making the font bigger
• I ramble

Now, not only is this very astute of Cissy M, but it's also very entertaining for me. I did consider not bothering to write anything new today, and just cut and paste this lovely paragrah:

"DAVID BOWIE. That actually has nothing to do with what I want to talk about, but every paragraph should start with David Bowie, because, frankly, I WOULD. EDDIE IZZARD is another person who I PROBABLY WOULD, because he’s an EXECUTIVE TRANSVESTITE, which is my favourite type of TRANSVESTITE."



No-one would know the difference. To be fair, this example is more like the way I talk in person than the way I write. I appreciate it none the less. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Procreation is the queerest form of Tony Slattery. Get thee to a cattery.

Thank you Cissy M, I love you you crazed whore!

* They're not capital letters, (I would never piss all over English grammar in such a way!) they're different font sizes. And they're staying. So there.

L'un Soleil, L'autre Lune

Thanks to Perez Hilton, I've rediscovered Vanessa Paradis.


I used to love her years and years ago and now she's got a new album out. It's called Divinidylle, I've just had a listen and it's darn good! Very french-indie-pop type thing.

I remember now why I didn't keep on listening to her. It's because her albums are generally pretty average, and she's been around for so long, but every 5 years or so she'll come out with an amazing song.

On Divinidylle, the best track which I will definately be singing all day despite only understanding about 20% of the lyrics is L'incendie ('Fire').



Try to ignore her teeth.

Education

I love: getting a good education.

I hate: having to pay for it.

"My Head is in a Spin..."

"...my feet don't touch the ground...
...It feels like, it feels like I'm in love I just fainted."

I hate fainting, it makes me really weak for the rest of the day and just generally makes me feel like a feeble woman. I shan't be doing it again any time soon. I'm off to eat some crisps.

Glasses, Glasses

I’m 87% decided that I’m going to a rapidly-approaching fancy-dress party as the one-and-only Morrissey. I did enjoy all those hyphens in that sentence, did you? I’m 93% sure that you did.

Something that I need in order to pull off the classic Morrissey look is the glasses. They’re wonderful. Square, thick glasses seem to become iconic for anyone that wears them, e.g. Morrissey, Elvis Costello, Woody Allen, Jarvis Cocker…

Hopefully when I wear similar glasses, I’ll become a musical icon. If not, then at the very least I might vaguely resemble Morrissey in some way – that would be just as good.

In the mean time, I’d like to know why wearing glasses like these make people so god damn attractive, and does it only apply to men?

‘Geek Chic’ is supposed to be very much on the up this season, along with big glasses. Even people that don’t need to wear glasses are wearing them – being a four-eyes is cool! Finally! The only problem now is I won’t want to wear my usual glasses around because people might think I’m only doing it to look ‘cool’… ‘trendy’, if you will. I’m not interested in trend. I wear my glasses when I either need to see for safety reasons, or I can’t be bothered to squint.

Proper huge square glasses, however, are frickin’ amazing. I shall be making a purchase very soon I feel.

I’m now 88% decided on the Morrissey costume.

Let Them Eat Cake

Is the lesbian equivalent of a 'beefcake' a fishcake?

Rant & Reasons

I was cycling home from work yesterday at 8pm, having just worked a 11 hour day. It was cold and dark. I was pissed off.
As I wobble around the badly paved corner near my house, a haggard old crone gets out of her car. As she does, I hear her say, "I'm sure there's a cycle path she should be using!" To this I respond with a scowl.

Infact, there quite obviously wasn't a cycle path anywhere near where I was. These are the reasons I was cycling on the pavement:

• I wanted to get home as quickly as possible.
  
• It's cheaper than the bus.


• It's a dodgy area, and there's less chance of being attacked when on a bike.


• I had my warm coat on, as it was cold, and it's a dark colour so I'm not very visible.
  
• Cars park on both sides of the road, I tend to wobble about a bit on my bike and I'd rather not hit anyone's car.
  
• Car drive pretty fast down that residential road.


• The streetlights in that area are very sparse.


• There was no cycle path.


• There was no one on the pavement.


• I'd rather piss off a few pedantic people who haven't cycled since they could afford to pollute the planet daily in their own cars, than get hit by a car.
  

So there you go. That's why. Make it safer to cycle, and maybe I will use the roads, but until then: I pay my council tax, I'll cycle where I bloody well like.

Voila!

Oh yes, did I mention that we've got the internet?! Well we have.

Not that that means I will be blogging any more than usual really, I don't actually own a computer, so I shall be borrowing peoples until we can get the other computer up and running.

Reading

I have just found my reading list for university, which I start in September, and it's looking pretty good.

The second part, 'Narrative and Culture' looks like the module I'll most enjoy, it's got a few books in there I've already read. Here it is:

1. Robert Louis Stevenson - Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde


2. Jane Austen - Sense and Sensibility


3. Elizabeth Gaskell - Mary Barton


4. Charlotte Bronte - Jane Eyre


5. Jean Rhys - Wild Sargasso Sea


6. Virginia Woolf - To the Lighthouse


7. Laurence Sterne - Tristram Shandy


8. John Buchan - The Thirty-Nine Steps


9. Bernard MacLaverty - Grace Notes


10. Jeanette Winterson - Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit

I'll admit there are a few in there I don't recognise, but you never know, they might be fantastic! Of course that's only a little part of the entire year, there's poetry, the early middle ages, critical theory and all that other good stuff. I'd better get reading. I'm thinking one book a week maybe if I'm very good, or one every fortnight seems more realistic when I'm working full time.

I can't wait to go to university. I can focus my energy on something I really want to be doing, and have enough free-time to not resent it. I will have time to write. I will work hard, but at something I want to be doing and that is relevant to my future. I will be able to gain knowledge instead of slowly losing it like I am in my current job, where intelligence seems to be leaking out of me like a badly plumbed toilet. Screw this, I'm getting a plumber in, and her name's Charlotte Bronte.

Sign Me Up

I've found my new job.

Queer As Folk (Music)

All this talk of gays has got me listening to Diana Ross for some reason. Oh, how I love her and her sequin dresses and fucking huge hair.

So here we have it, another music related list. My top 7* favourite gay anthems. (Oh yes, they’re queer as a box of frogs naked men!)

7. Diana Ross - I'm Coming Out Chain Reaction
(because I couldn't find the video for I'm Coming Out)




6. Dead or Alive - You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)




5. Cher - The Shoop Shoop Song




4. Pet Shop Boys - Go West




3. Wham - Wake Me Up Before You Go Go




2. Shirley Bassey - Get The Party Started




1. Abba - Dancing Queen




*"Why 7?" You ask!
"Because I felt that was an appropriate amount!" I say!

"[He's] Coming Out!"

According to all sources, the streets the place to gooo... oh, and also Derren Brown's gay.

Not a huge shock, admittedly. While it lessens the likelyhood of Emily and Derren's wedding, it makes George and Derren's look far more likely. I don't mind which I go to, as long as I can wear a jazzy hat of some sort.

In Other News...

We should be getting the internet sorted this week! Hoorah!

Thank goodness, I was beginning to think I was living in the dark ages.

Says Who?

Since working in an office where the only website that you could get on was msn, I've started reading their articles more and more. Yes, they're pretty bland and formulaic but I'll read any old crap. They've recently featured an article called '50 Albums that will make your life complete'. Go on, have a read - I dare you.

Now, aside from the obvious rant as to how albums can make your life 'complete' - anyone who only needs a few albums to make their life complete has pretty much got it sorted anyway. Who made this list?! Was it voted for?! Was it a self-righteous music journalist? Aren't they call? (Jealous? Me? Never!) Or was it simply composed from the million other 'top album' lists in existence.

I'm particularly fraught about this list because it's just so typically 'msn'. That's right - bland and formulaic. Here's how to make a 'top album' list in the traditional msn style:


How to Compile a List of the Best Albums in the Universe Ever

1. Think of a nice round number, and then think of that many albums to fill the gaps. It doesn't matter if some of them are frankly not as good as the others, it's not like the title suggest that all the albums have to be amazing.

2. Queen.

3. But don't be too predictable by putting in albums that are actually good, like, oh I don't know something ridiculous like The Beatles. If you must put them on the list make sure they're quite low down - just so people don't think you're being conformist.

4. On a similar vein, throw some 'young' and 'trendy' albums in there that hopefully no one's heard of so they can know how terribly 'in-the-know' you are about music.

5. An old classic album that no one ever actually listens to is also a good choice. If no one's ever listened to it they can't argue that it shouldn't be on the list.

6. Must be at least one rap album on there, just to show there's no bias towards any genre. Heaven forbid.

7. I'll get you started... Nirvana - Nevermind. Blur - Parklife. Oasis - Definately Maybe/What's the Story. John Lennon - Imagine. Jeff Buckley - Grace. Bob Dylan -Blonde on Blonde. There you go, that's half the work done for you!

I know it's my own fault, I've read far too many 'album' lists. The theme is evident, though. If you'd read 50 gazillion of the same list all claiming to be original you'd be annoyed too.

Why does it matter what the 50 bestselling, most listened to, or most influential albums are? You can't generalise something like that. I'd like to read people's individual lists. Things like how a certain album or even just one song inspired someone to overthrow a government or maybe just have toast for breakfast.

Incidently, 'Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band' inspired me to move out of my parents house... and I had chocolate for breakfast this morning after listening to 'Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others.' Good times.

Introducing...

...'Bijoux Pinku'!

She is my latest household purchase - a beautiful pink plant and she now lives on my desk.

Well, I think she's pink anyway, the pot she's in is pink. Bijoux Pinku is only a little stem at the moment, and it didn't say anywhere what type of plant she is but she looks a bit like a tulip. I guess we'll have to find out what type of plant she will be. I'll try and get a picture when my computer's suited and booted.

Incase you were curious: 'Bijoux' is french for 'jewel' and 'Pinku' is Japanese for 'pink'.

I considered calling her 'Sale Salope', french for 'dirty bitch', but she seemed too pretty for such a name. I might get another plant which is more suitable for that name. There's some lover-ly orchids about actually. Dirty bitches.

Edit: I've just been told that Bijoux Pinku is infact a hyacynth. Not only that, she's also white. A clever re-think now means that her name has been changed to "Bijoux Blanche". Nice. Reminds me of Coronation Street.

Ooops!

Ok, less 'Ooops!' and more 'FFS!' and 'Gaah!'. I've been sans internet all week, and it's entirely possible I've gone insane.

It's odd how you never realise the importance of something in your life until it's taken away. Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous to say that about the internet, but think about it: could you live without the internet for a week? Ok, so you probably could... if you can call that living.

Just as I was leaving home I was on an organisation kick. I was organising everything: writing lists, putting things into piles, boxes, files, in alphabetical order, chronological order, and using more post-its than in my PA days. I used the internet/ a computer for quite a lot of this. Suddenly not only do I feel disconnected, but disorganised and pretty darn stifled actually.

I did all my writing on the computer, purely because I type as fast as I can think, so there's more of a flow. If I have to write I find I miss out things that I'll think of suddenly and not write down because my writing is still a few words behind my brain. Frustrating indeed.

So all in all being without a computer or the internet is pretty awful, but we're working on it*.

*I would like to express my extreme dislike for BT by the way, who have been nothing but wankers for the last month. We're going to Sky.