Hey Prude

I'm writing this after downing a can of Monster energy, so forgive my caffeine brain.

Here's something I've been wondering lately... am I a prude?

Did you ever do that facebook quiz thing where you work out what your 'fine' is? You know, you add up all the immoral/disgusting/perverted/illegal/dangerous things you've done, and the person with the highest 'fine' gets pelted to death with chocolate covered raisins. You don't have to actually pay the fine, don't worry.

I tell you what though, if you did, a lot of my friends would be bankrupt. People I know were getting around £700 on that bloody thing, and do you know what? I scored under £100. Who does that say more about? What does this ultimately mean? Am I boring? Probably. Are they morons? Yes. Riddled with STIs? Almost certainly.

I choose to go for the moron option. However, looking at the questions it does seem to me that a lot of my friends must be dreadful slags. Even the ones I thought were OK, they're still putting it about, just in secret. Forget about the quiet ones, it's the ones with their tits out that you've got to look out for these days. Subtlety is over, this is 2010. People are proclaiming how many people they've slept with, how, and when, all over facebook.

It's enough to yearn for the archaic 1950s view of sex - if you have sex with someone, you better be bloody prepared to have a child with them, or their dad will shoot you. OK, so maybe this is taking it a bit too far, but I'm sure there's a nice middle ground. Whatever happened to courting for fucks sake?

It's called self respect, people. Your body is the most important thing you own, so don't rent it out to any old wanker that tells you you're pretty. Know you're pretty, and tell him to fuck off and stop being a dirty old bastard.

Maybe it's because I fell in love at 17, or maybe it's because I'm a one-eyed chicken in the kingdom of the rabbits. Either way, I can't help feeling like there's an entire aspect to my generation that is kept secret from me. I think I'm too old fashioned for this time, my temperment belongs a few decades in the past. Regardless, my dears, it's important to remember: no one's going to buy your cow when they get the milk for free, especially if the cow has crabs.