Hey

This is just a reminder to myself that John is my own personal underrated Beatle, and to show everyone what a ruddy beautiful song this is.

Pass

Can you hear the similarity?

Bored Games

Today my family had one of the most recurrent of Christmas arguments:

Should the rules of a board game be changed slightly, if it makes it more interesting?

Personally, I don't think you're ever going to have fun playing a board game with more than 6 people. Or maybe my family are just 'special'.

How Feign Domesticity

It's Christmas Eve, and my Christmas nesting is very much in full-swing. I've made a ridiculous amount of decorations, table center-pieces, and a flower arrangement... or two. I'm also making the roast potatoes this year because my dad insists that they're not necessary when it's sunny. The fool!

Every year without fail I experience what can only be described as nesting at Christmas. The urge to make everything shiny is stronger than ever at this time of year. I spend all my time making things, and cooking, cleaning, and cooking some more. It's probably because of the crafty nature of the season, and also they fact that I generally have more free time in the holidays.

For those of you that think you can't cook, I have discovered something very easy to make and yummy indeed. A bit of an Aussie Christmas staple, I've decided to make my own rocky road this year. Rocky road is basically uber-chocolate, and it's ideal for the incredibly lazy and/or kitchen imcompetant.

You will need:
A bitchload of chocolate - (400g ish, probably more)
Golden Syrup - 2/3 tbsp
Little marshmallows (preferably gelatine free!)
Cherries (or Cranberries if you're feeling festive or have infected ovaries)
Some sort of unsalted nuts (I used pistachio)
Dessicated coconut
Some sort of chewy sweet (Gelatine free for me! I have used Turkish Delight, but some people don't like it, so you can use jelly worms or something)

1. Line a square tin with parchment paper, so they don't stick, silly!
2. Melt the chocolate and syrup in a pan or bain marie
3. Chop up everything else into little pieces (about 1 or 2 cm square) You can put as much or as little of everything in as you think will be nice.
4. Chuck everything in the same bowl, and mixy mixy!
5. Put it all in the lined tray, leave it until it reaches room temperature, and then pop it in the fridge.
6. Leave it over night in the fridge and when it's set cut it into rectangles

Some people put icing sugar on but I think this looks a bit naff, so I put white chocolate chips ontop when it was partially cooled down instead.

Yes, I will be the size of a house by the time I've made and consumed a Baileys cheesecake tonight. They may have to grease me up to squeeze me into the plane, but I think it will be worth it.

Overheard #26

Bloke #1: How many midgets does it take to change a lightbulb?
Bloke #2: ...four?
Bloke #1: ... ... ... yeah, I reckon.

Rage Against The Morons

I realise that X Factor is utter tripe, I really do. It has become glorified karaoke, as people say.

So Rage Against the Machine are the Christmas number one? Ok then. Well done.

Something I noticed when checking the singles chart was that a few spaces down the list was the BBC Children in Need single. Doesn't this make the whole pissing off Simon Cowell* thing seem a bit irrelevant? Why does no one else find this horrific that people are more concerned with this than helping a children's charity?

The sad thing is that it didn't really matter what the single was. Who decided that this should be 'Killing In The Name Of' to be coerced to the top? A vain moron. Yes, well done, you're very cool indeed, but really what did you achieve?

If the real reason was to prove that X Factor is a load of shite and the music industry is corrupt (which again, I accept that it is) then the single itself doesn't really have much importance. What's important is the general public grouping together and influencing the charts - showing the men -in-suits that ultimately, it is the public in the majority who create the charts, and nothing is ever a sure thing. The single didn't matter. What would have mattered, and made a difference would be if the money people had spent on this fandango went to Children in Need.

Whether it was a case of wanting to look cool by choosing Rage Against the Machine, or just simply not thinking, it was a really fucking stupid move in my eyes, and it makes me very angry to think that children will have missed out because of this.

*Who is actually not going to get money because of this, unlike what people say, because although RATM are with Epic which is part of Sony BMG, they are not with Syco, and so he shouldn't see any profits.

Overheard #25

Young Bloke #1: It's all about scented toilet paper.
Young Bloke #2: ...What is?
Young Bloke #1: My life.

10 Different Christmas Songs

Christmas songs are awesome. Today I was listening to the same Christmas album that we've had for the last 15 years, and honestly - there's nothing missing on that album from what you'd get in any generic album today. Or so I thought. The classic songs are all on there, but of course there are new Christmas songs being written every year, and they often get very little attention in favour of old familiar songs that everybody can sing along to.

Here are some Christmas songs that you might not be as familiar with, but you might consider adding them to your repertoire.

10. Tim Minchin - White Wine in the Sun

9. The Sixth Great Lake - Always After Christmas, Boring

8. Dressy Bessy - All the Right Reasons

7. The Killers - A Great Big Sled

6. Barenaked Ladies - Green Christmas

5. Eels - Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas

4. Low - Just Like Christmas

3. The Flaming Lips - Christmas at the Zoo

2. The Raveonettes - The Christmas Song

1. Bob Dylan - Must Be Santa

Author List

This list is pretty funny in describing the types of people who read certain authors. I'd say it was reasonably accurate, except for the fact that if these were all true, I would be a bloke. Here's me, apparently:

J.D. Salinger

Kids who don’t fit in (duh).

Chuck Palahniuk

Boys who can’t read.

Nick Hornby

Guys who wear skinny jeans and the girls that love them.

Vladimir Nabokov

Men who use words like ‘dubious’ and ‘tenacity’. (So, paedophiles, then?)

Hunter S Thompson

That kid in your philosophy class with the stupid tattoo.

Lewis Carroll

People who move to Thailand after high school for the drug scene. (I'm so, so sick of people immediately linking Lewis Carroll to drugs, you have no idea. This may be an entirely separate post, I'm afraid.)

Kurt Vonnegut

People who played Creep by Radiohead while having sex or smoking pot. (That song actually pisses me off.)

Douglas Adams

People who bought the first generation Amazon Kindle. (Totally had to look up what that was... and I can safely say, if I'd have had enough money I would absolutely buy that.)

Also, interestingly enough, I believe that the one for James Joyce (People who do not like John Cusack movies) works backwards as well. I've never been a fan of Joyce. Ok, so now you have to promise you won't judge me for liking John Cusack films.

According to this list, what is your stereotype, and do you think it's fitting?

The Girl Is Mine

Will someone please explain to me why I can't stop listening to this song?!

TV Chefs

Cooking has become a lazy activity. I watch quite a lot of cooking programmes, because secretly I am actually 60 years old, I've just got a damn good plastic surgeon.

This occurred to me whilst watching Nigella's Christmas Whatsamagig - no, I don't remember what it was called. She served fried prawns and bread as a starter, steak and potatoes, and then brownies with birthday cake candles in. What the fuck, Nigella? You lazy, lazy, slag. A two year old could cook that shite. Are people are supposed to aspire to this? I'm sorry but this is something that really grinds my goat.

Maybe that's the problem. I see TV chefs as being people to watch and learn how to do things better, whereas now they're trying to be people who teach you how to do things quicker, or simpler - or even just to cook at all. Don't get me started on Delia "Just fuck off to McDonalds" Smith.

The problem is people think they don't have enough time to cook. Well, if you don't have enough time to cook, then don't - you have many other options, not limited to:

1. Impose on someone who can cook
2. Cook when you have the time and freeze it
3. Get a takeaway

And christ, if you hate cooking so much, then don't do it. You don't have to host a dinner party for a dozen thirty-something foodies of questionable breeding.If you love cooking then you'll make the time, and you'll learn to cook interesting things properly.

People know how to make easy food, and if they don't then they can figure it out. I don't know about other people - but I want to see people who are better at cooking than me make things that are better than what I can cook. TV chefs are there to aspire to, not to show us how they can make frozen mashed potato. (Even the laziest of lazy buggers don't use frozen mashed potato, Delia.)

Maybe they're too busy drinking (Delia) or being slags (Nigella) or just generally being a moron (the rest of them, but mostly that River Cottage wanker) to produce anything worth televising other than their delinquent selves.

On a similar vein, I saw Julie & Julia on the plane the other day. Awesome film. Comes with a health warning if you don't like cooking, or are of the male persuasion.

Don't Knit

Just when I didn't think it was possible to love Ringo any more.

Little Kittens

I saw the cutest kittens in a pet shop today. They kept jumping all over each other and scrambling around and fighting. They were just adorable - I fell in love with one of them - he chased my hand when I waved at him, he was all fluffy and had tiny little blue eyes.

I just had to tell you. He was that awesome.

Chomp

Dreidel

DIY: Make your own dreidel. Mazeltov!

Duck Paddle

"Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath."

-- Michael Caine

Gays & Jews

One of the best and worst things about travelling is the people you meet.

Yesterday, in a flight from Singapore, I made friends with a Norwegian, Jewish lesbian. Yes, she was overtly all three, but also mentioned how she wasn't celebrating Christmas, and had a girlfriend.

She was quite scary, she kept answering the tannoy messages with aggressive and sarcastic comments. But still, we had a few nice conversations in between sleeping and watching films, and she was a cool lady.

It just goes to show, whereever I am in the world, I'm always surrounded by Jews and gays. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Bash

You've probably all heard about Tiger Woods and how his wife hit him with a golf club or something, after he allegedly cheated on her.

Now, I don't claim to know a lot about what happened, but apparently, it went a bit like this:

1. Tiger cheats on wife
2. Wife hits Tiger with golf club
3. Tiger crashes car to make it look like injuries are by accident
   

Now, if my version of the story is wrong, then I apologise, but this is what I was told. Even if this has got nothing to do with what happened to Tiger Woods, there's still a point to be made here.

This is what I don't get - why is no one saying anything about the woman hitting him? I don't care if he's a big strong man, I don't care if he cheated on her with her own cat - the fact is, he was beaten by his wife. That is domestic violence, and no one is deploring her behaviour, because it's seen as 'girl power' or whatever the fuck those pseudo-Feminists are calling it.

Feminism means equality. Equality does not mean that it's ok for women to hit men, whether he's done anything to 'deserve it' or not, and whether he’s physically much stronger or not. Hitting someone is hitting someone.

Imagine if it was her that cheated, and he'd hit her with a golf club. There would be shock. "Yes, your wife's a slag, but you hit her so you're a monster." Instead, it's "Your wife taught you a lesson, you naughty man!"

What we've got here are two social misconceptions working in tandem: it's acceptable for a man to cheat on his wife, in fact it makes him more 'manly', and that it's not domestic violence if it's a woman hitting a man. It's even quite funny - like the hysterical housewife chasing after her cheating husband with a rolling pin. Except we don't all live in a Punch and Judy show. Crocodiles don't throw babies down the stairs, or whatever is supposed to happen in that bloody show.

A human being is a human being, and whatever the context of the situation is, it is never ok to hit someone. Yes, he is a massive wanker for cheating on her, and he should have the words 'twatty twatty bastard' written on his forehead in sharpie indefinitely. It's all very well joking about how cheating men should be castrated, but at the end of the day, an eye for an eye just makes women look petty.

Vertigo

Know Way

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth.

Ok, maybe you can - but stupid people can't. The truth is that knowledge is not something that should be doled out willy-nilly. It should be like antibiotics and distributed by people who know what they're doing for a set amount of time and regulated.

Imagine explaining the congestion charge to a toddler - it would baffle their cute little brains. Imagine explaining contraception to the cast of the Jeremy Kyle show - they'd probably try and put a slinky up their mimsys.

What I'm trying to say is that the acquisition knowledge is only good in certain situations. It's only good if you're smart enough to process the information in the first place. Also, if you're already equip with the other knowledge that makes it all make sense, if you know what I mean. (The state of public transport, a doctor should probably be doing that instead really...)

Of course, everyone should be given equal opportunities. Stupid people have the opportunity to become not stupid by learning; it's all available if you're intelligent enough to care. Bombarding people with knowledge is a dangerous thing, if they don't have the time or means to process it and make use of it.

If I was told right this second how to cheat at the lottery, I would probably (not) do it (but for the sake of this point, let's pretend I would). I'd then get arrested for fraud and being a pervert in the court of justice or something. Knowledge is a dangerous thing.

When I was two or three, my mum kept telling me how my fringe was getting very long but she didn't have time to cut it for a while. I thought, "Oh, I'll help her out" and cut my fringe in the paddling pool. Entirely wonky. This is knowledge that I shouldn't have been given, because I was too little to fully understand. I had pieces of information: my fringe should be cut, fringes are cut with scissors, where to get the scissors, etc. I then had to face the embarrassment of not only a wonky fringe, but the resulting photo, which has been in my dad's wallet for the past 18 years.

What needed to be done was the piecing together of this information, and the realisation that it was a bad idea. This, I think, is the cause of a great deal of problems in society. If we didn't tell people anything, they wouldn't have a ruddy clue what to do, and they'd just stand still all day and gawp at clouds or something.

Shoulder Bones

Will someone let me feel their shoulder? I'm serious. I have been growing increasingly paranoid that I have weird shoulder bones.

I know no one sees them, but they seem to be sticking out more than before, and splitting into two if that makes any sense. It's probably just something I'd not noticed before?

This is something I've always wondered - how do you really know if you're normal? How do you know if twinges and aches and pains and tiredness is all normal? How do you know that other people's wee isn't glittery? I'm pretty sure Marc Bolan's was. Prove that it wasn't.

I didn't know that it wasn't normal to sneeze a million times a day until I was told "actually, that's pretty weird" or words to that effect, and then went to the doctor and now I'm fixed! Hooray! Not fixed as in like a dog... that wouldn't stop sneezing.

I suppose it's a silly question, but I really do think my shoulders aren't quite right.

Genius

Old Man Parentheses

The conclusion I have come to is that when I, or anyone else for that matter, refers to someone as attractive, the rule should be this:

“When an old or dead person is referred to as attractive, it should be automatically assumed that they are speaking about the version of that person in their prime, and not the appearance of the person at the present day.”

E.g. “Mick Jagger” = “Mick Jagger (circa 1965)”. (The brackets do not require verbalisation.) No one finds Mick Jagger attractive now, except Mick Jagger.

This goes without saying usually, for example, “Yeah, I’d do James Dean,”* is not something that would be answered with gasps of disbelief that someone is admitting to necrophilia. People assume they mean the young, and more importantly, alive James Dean. This is possibly different if the person grew old and then died. For example…

There was probably a time in the 1970s when some people would have said that Michael Jackson was attractive. He looks like a perfectly normal guy in some of his videos before the majority of the surgery. If anyone said this nowadays, everyone would think you were seriously, seriously sick. For a bloke with so many different guises, the pale, wizened goblin look will forever be the world’s fixed image of him.

The above rule, I believe is most significant when referring to people who have not only been famous for a very long time, but have also had many different looks. David Bowie had a good 20/30 years of foxiness. Even I have to admit, he’s looking pretty old now, but of course he is - he's sixty fucking two. When David Bowie is referred to as attractive, the disclaimer – “between the years 1969 and 1999” should be automatically assumed, unless otherwise stated.

If people implement this rule to the best of their ability, I believe we can overcome embarassing social situations altogether. Basically, a lot less people will think I'm an old man perv, when really, I was just born 30 years too late.

* I wouldn't.

Top 10 Queen Songs

Everyone likes Queen. The combination of amazing songs, and amazing people has made the band a lot more than "just a band" as Scroobius would say. Here are my top 10 songs, though I could easily make it 20 without putting in any duffers. I'd love to know what your favourite ones are too.

There aren't a lot of these songs that I can embed off YouTube, so I'll just talk about them. You know what they sound like, anyway.

10. Killer Queen



9. Don't Stop Me Now



8. Crazy Little Thing Called Love

7. We Will Rock You



6. Under Pressure



5. Another One Bites The Dust

4. I Want to Break Free



3. Bicycle Race

2. Somebody To Love



1. You're My Best Friend

Vintage

Just in case you haven't heard, e.g. you've been living under a bridge shouting at goats, I finished my novel this afternoon. My reward to myself, (which I've just decided) is going to be a vintage dress.

Some women obsess over shoes they can't walk in, some women obsess over handbags so massive they'd topple over if they carried them. My thing is for beautiful vintage dresses that either:

1. Look great on the hanger, but stupid on
2. Have odd stains
3. Don't fit properly

The last one I have major beef with. Yes, that's right - me, a vegetarian having beef. The dresses I like are mostly from the 60s, which is fine. The only problem with the 60s is women seem to have been shaped very differently in those times.

Most dresses are for a 24 or 25 inch waist. Just to put that in perspective for you, that's probably Kate Moss' waist. Now, there's nothing wrong with a little waist, I accept that this was the style at the time. The problem occurs when the dress measurements for a 24 inch waist are paired with a 34 or sometimes even 36 in chest. I mean what the hell? Are these shops making dresses for Jessica Rabbit or something? Because we all know she's a whore. The hips were generally the same size as the chest, so women are expected to be 36-24-36? Fuck off, you'd snap in half!

Marilyn Monroe was 36-23-37... but she was Marilyn Monroe. Most modern women are more like egg timers than hour glasses. Well, the natural ones are, anyway.

It could just be that clothes used to be made to fit properly, and all the dresses I look at happen to have been made for stick insects with massive boobs and hips. Clothes today aren't generally fitted - most people don't know their vital statistics, but just a vague number that varies per shop. I know there were normal sized people in the 60s - I've seen photos, godamn it! The conclusion I have come to is that in the 60s normal sized people didn't wear clothes, or, their clothes have since biodegraded.