Flight of the Conchords

Are pretty amazing. Basically, they're a rip-off of the Mighty Boosh, but to be honest I don't care because they're still original and bloody funny!

Also, extra points for having an episode devoted to David Bowie (+ a song)

Voila!...







At times he actually sounds more like Eddie Izzard than David Bowie, but that's more of a compliment than anything. It's just fantastic! I love it!

The Ballard of the Mallard

Note: I've been instructed to write this post by the beautiful Cissy M.

I haven't actually got anything to write about, but in honour of Cissy I think I'll wing it* and see what happens.

OK, so as she's a Creative Writing student, I think I'll do some creative writing of my own.

The Ballad of the Mallard

In a world straight and narrow
And rapid and shallow,
Where the pat of the flat feet
Causes a shadow,

You will find a duck
Who's down on his luck.
As instead of a 'quack'
His noise is a 'cluck!'

But if you ask him why
He'd do nothing but sigh,
As he loathes to explain
Why he also can't fly.

The truth is quite strange:
That he had a 'bird change'
Which meant that his feathers
He had to rearrange.

Our duck is grief stricken,
And it makes him quite sickened
At the most bizarre thought
He was once a chicken.

So he left his own flock,
Flapping to the bird doc,
Who reassigned him in places -
And made him a cock!

He waddled with pride
And a Mick Jagger stride,
To his local pond where
He chose to reside.

Now in this world narrow and straight,
We all can relate,
To this little 'chuckin'
Who I think is quite great.


Dedicated to my bird, Cissy M.

* I didn't realise this pun until after I'd re-read the post, but I thought I'd keep it in there.

Fun

Fun is a funny thing. Well, actually not it isn’t. Fun, much like sex, is a depressing topic when you’re not getting any.

That’s not to say I’m not having any fun. I’m having as much fun as I think is possible at my current state. Fun is subjective. What some people find fun I might think is pretty damn boring. I find fun in small things that amuse me during the day, stupid little things like singing along to the hold music at work (e.g. George Michael – Fast Love), putting elastic bands in people's coffee or throwing paperclips at people sat in front of me.

In my opinion, the best way to be is to be socially acceptable in front of 90% of people, but always have those 10% of people that you can act like a complete moron in front of.

Fun changes as you get older. I have to say it, but we're not as young as we used to be, we're not as easily amused. It's not like we can run around and lift up peoples skirts for fun anymore - laws apply to us now. The more intelligent you become, the harder it becomes to have fun: things are expected of you. The trick is not to give a flying monkeys arse and to do what you want anyway - just as long as no one sees it except your 10%-ers.

Alternatively, have fun in front of everyone. This may result in being institutionalised, however. It's a ridiculous truth of our society that the self we project in public is often a watered-down version of how we truly are.

Fun is something you have to make yourself. You can’t just go somewhere and automatically have fun: it’s all about your attitude. If you’re not having fun it’s because you’re either not looking at things from the right perspective, or you’re at a funeral. Which is very ironic, because you can’t spell funeral without ‘fun’.

I would like my funeral to be fun, while we’re on the subject. Everyone will dance the hokey-cokey. Or else.

Villianous Brogues

I don't need to exercise I've decided. All I need to do is wear heels everyday.

I've just walked 2.6 miles in my new brogue heels (oh-so pretty) and I can still stand. Hoorah!

I've been too busy lately to care what I put on my feet, but I decided as a miniscule 5"1' I should probably do something about my height before it becomes offensive to others. So I bought some heels because they were:

a) Cheap
b) Big bitches

Which is funny, because that's how I chose most of my friends!

So as well as being good exercise, they also got me complimented at work today, when Matt said I was looking "Yummier than usual" which sounds a bit pervy written down, it was said with good intentions. Honestly.

In conclusion, I'm liking my new shoes. My feet only hurt a tiny bit and my legs have had twice the exercise they would have otherwise. Oh, and I'm a few inches closer to being human instead of a hobbit. Good news all round really.

Robert Smith

They're like buses these amazo-people...

Today it's the only day of the year when it's socially appropriate to say, "Happy Birthday, Mr. Robert Smith!"
Who?

Robert Smith, a.k.a Robert James Smith

When?

He was born on the 21st April 1959 - making him 49 years old today! He's been in The Cure since 1976. That's a long time.

Where?

Robert Smith was born in Blackpool, as you can tell from all the make-up he wears. At any given moment he's probably either: frolicing about on a cliff-edge, playing with a comb in a cupboard or is nicely tucked up in bed with a cup of tea and a spider.

What?

He is the lead singer of The Cure - probably the best band to be given the 'indie' label - and one of the best bands ever. A quote on wikipedia describes him as "pop culture's unkempt post child of doom and gloom", but I think he's a rather upbeat chappy, actually. His trademar black eyeliner, red lipstick and ruddy huge barnet make him easily distinguished from all the other 'alternative rock' frontmen.

His lyrics are just as beautiful as he is. How can someone who wrote 'Lovecats' be a poster child of doom and gloom?! He's written, in my opinion, 3 of the best lovesongs ever: 'Just Like Heaven', 'Friday I'm in Love' and 'Lovesong' are all beautiful.

Basically, he's a jolly nice chap who looks like a more cuddly version of Edward Scissorhands, but more importantly, he's an incredibly talented musician.

He might not like Morrissey, but then most people don't, so I'll let him off.

Edie Sedgwick

I have a confession. I have been waiting for months for this date so I could let everyone know about this beautiful woman and wish Edie Sedgwick a happy birthday!

Who?
Edith Minturn Sedgwick, a.k.a Edie Sedgwick

When?
Edie was born on the 20th April 1943. She was part of ‘The Factory’ scene between 1965 and 1967. Edie died on November 16th 1971 aged 28.

Where?
She was born and died in Santa Barbara, but moved to New York after University.

What?
Edie Sedgwick was an American socialite, artist, model and actress. She was born into a wealthy Californian family and is well-known for spending her entire inheritance in six months. Despite appearing in many of his films, Andy Warhol never paid Edie for her work. "A photographer most noted for his photographs of Marilyn Monroe pulled a cute number on me."

As a model, she appeared in Vogue and countless Andy Warhol photographs. What she wore has had a great influence on what we wear today (think shift dresses, opaque tights, baggy jumpers and heavy black eyeliner – it was all her).

Edie also famously inspired tracks on Bob Dylan’s Blonde on Blonde album, and on The Velvet Underground & Nico’s album.

The last film she was in is her most famous – the Ciao Manhattan tapes have come to be a sort of video biography. They were beautiful, disorientating and captivating - just like Edie.




Recently, Sienna Miller played Edie the film Factory Girl (bloody amazing film - see it, see it, see it!) and a lot of people judged her harshly. From listening to the Ciao Manhattan tapes you can hear she got her voice and mannerisms spot on, I think she was fantastic. The storyline, however, we'll never know if it's true or not: but for me, it's Edie's mystery and charm that make her so incredibly fascinating.

As for me, I plan on celebrating Edie's birthday by frolicing around in tights, huge earrings and ridiculously heavy eye make-up.

How to Survive as an Artist

By 'survive', I of course mean 'stay sane', but survive sounds better.

I have just discovered a fantastic illustrator (other than the truly scrumptious Emilymews) who goes by the name of Keri Smith. I think she is wonderful.

I've not had the time to check out all of her massive website, but what I have seen is just brilliant. A particular favourite of mine was the interactive illustrations. One that struck a chord with me (as I intend to use it) was the 'Artist's Survival Kit'. It's 4 pages of pdfs: 1,2,3,4,5

I will definately be using it... even though I'm not an artist.

37

I've always believed that you need to know what you want before you can get it. People complain about their lives, saying that things are lacking; but when you ask them what exactly - they can't answer. If 'you can't miss something you never had,' then why do they feel this way?

Because achievement is good (for want of a synonym). We've all felt the satisfaction of ticking items off a 'to do' list, so why not a 'to do' list that has a slightly longer time span than others? Why not indeed!

I've wanted to do this for a long time, but never got round to it. Here is my list of (37!) things I am aiming to do with my life, in no particular order:

1. Get a degree
2. Get a job I enjoy
3. Make a giant gingerbread house
4. Learn to speak another language fluently
5. Be financially secure
6. Slap someone 'round the face
7. Travel
8. Have children
9. Eat Chinese food on Christmas Day
10. Change someone's life for the better
11. Leave the house with no make-up on
12. Write a book
13. Get a cat/dog
14. Tell my family I love them
15. Go to another festival
16. Go interrailing
17. Spend all day in bed
18. Take part in a protest about something I care about
19. Complete a dissertation
20. Go scuba-diving (properly this time)
21. Give someone advice that isn't completely stupid
22. Take someone's advice to heart
23. Not sleep for 48 hours
24. Dye my hair purple
25. Own a leopard print coat
26. Scream profanities in a public place (such as a library)
27. Complete a photo album
28. See Machu Pichu and the Terra Cotta Army
29. Smash a plate
30. Turn up somewhere in fancy dress where it wasn't expected
31. Learn to play the guitar better
32. Pass down the family jewellery
33. Be proud of myself
34. Stay in love
35. Build a fort out of blankets when there's a thunder storm
36. Learn how to make cocktails
37. Tell people what I admire/dislike/love about them
    

The whole thing will certainly be changed as and when the mood takes me, though there are a few that are non-negotiable.

As lovely as it is, knowing what you're going to do with your life, it's also nice to not know what's going to happen. Our chief weapon is surprise - surprise and fear! And a ruthless efficiency. So while it's always a good idea to stick to the path, it's also fun to wander off into the woods... as long as there's no goblins in there.

Your challenge, my fine feathered blogging friends, is to write up a list of your own! It's only slightly overwhelming, I promise. Just write whatever you think of first: it could be something silly you just want to try out or it could be an ambition from when you were but a teensy foetus!

Your list will always change as you go along, because so will you - nothing's ever set in stone - and isn't that a wonderful thought? Watch out for those goblins.

Doors Are Whores

I arrived home today, as I do on most days, at around 5.45pm. As I got to the front door, I prepared myself for the infuriating tasks of guessing which lock to open first, having to wiggle the key around when it gets stuck and finally using both hands to turn the key. This inevitably pisses me off, and ruins the good mood I'm usually in when I get home.

But unfortunately today the door had decided it hated me even more than usual. Today it decided that the lock was going to jam, and not let me in the house.

Before you jump to conclusions: I'm not a complete idiot, I know how to open a door properly and yes, I had my keys on me but the medieval door would not open. Bastard.

After over 10 minutes of trying to force the door open and trying the keys over and over, I decided that I probably wasn't going to get the door open, and that another plan was needed.

My first thoughts when this happened were:

1. Call Fergus
2. Don't call Mum
3. Smash it with a brick
   

Possibly three of the stupidest ideas I've ever heard for anything - ever.

After that moment of stupidity had passed, I started to sort things out.

I called the people I live with to see when they would be home, or if they had the landlord's phone number - no one answered.

I called my mum - she was very little help.

I called Emilybits again, and she answered. She wasn't coming home and didn't have the landlord's number, but she went to George's work to see if he had the number... but he didn't.

At this point the brick option was looking very attractive indeed, but I refrained for a little longer, and walked 20 minutes in the direction I'd just come from back to where Sarah works. She didn't have the landlord's number either, but she did however provide me with some WD-40!

I walked back to the house, arguing with my mother on the phone all the way, and after a lot of spraying and jabbing and swearing... I got in! The door opened in a fog of WD-40. Thank goodness.

What did I learn from this experience? 3 things, really:

1. The importance of having your phone on.
2. That in an emergency, for about the first 5 seconds I'm an idiot, because my emotions take over. But when I need to be I can be practical and get things sorted. For some reason I am unable to be this way all the time. Like one of those goofy dogs that can smell when children are stuck down a well.
3. Just how much my Dad smells of WD-40.

A&E

I've just seen the video for Goldfrapp's new (-ish) single 'A&E'. I've got some news for you: it's really rather cool.



Makes me want to go camping.

Alison Goldfrapp is one of the few women who, quite frankly, I would. Even as an ex-dog (see: Number 1 video). And that's saying something.

Woof!

Girl Power!

For anyone that's interested (i.e. 'no-one') I recently read a marvellous article by the f-word (yes, I occasionally read it, so what?) called 'Girl Power' in which a feminist journalist describes her experience of the Spice Girls, and their reunion tour.

If you can't be arsed to read it, here's the jist:

"The near absence of men in the audience proved that they have made their millions by appealing almost solely to women. Standing in an arena full of thousands of (clearly loud and confident) women in the midst of North America, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was partaking in my first ever feminist gathering. Had we all been brought together under one common cause? Was ‘Girl Power’ still alive and kicking, uniting sisters the world over?"

"So, yes, you can wear, act, do whatever you like as long as you’re happy. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do. Which, in many ways, isn’t a million miles away from what would constitute most people’s description of contemporary feminism."

"The Spice Girls promoted female friendship, and provided young girls with images of happy, confident women at a time when boy bands (Boyzone, Take That, the Backstreet Boys) flooded the market. Clichéd as it may be, they did in some ways provide a positive role model for young girls."

I'm not deluded. I'm well aware that they're not the best feminist role models around, but in the context of the 90s, when you're too young to understand the concepts behind it, the Spice Girls were bloody well good enough.

They had personalities, opinions and most importantly: they had fun in an inclusive way.

Into the Sea

Music is a powerful thing. We link music with memories, people, places and times in our lives. Songs add another dimension to the emotions linked with experiences, and articulate the indescribable.

Sometimes you’ll come across a song that means so much to you, it becomes so deeply entwined with your emotions and memories that it’s a part of who you are, or becomes a definition of you at the time of the memory.

Then - someone else decides that they love that same song just as much as you do. They associate it with something else, change the sentiment and basically shit all over it.

And I wish they wouldn’t.

Guest Blog!

Hello, I am Sophie's guest blogger for today. My name is George. Nice to meet you. Head over to my blog - http://www.idlebacon.wordpress.com/ - after you finish reading this, because mine is much better!

So, what shall I talk about? Erm. Oh, I dunno. I'm feeling pressured, I've actually got to think of something decent to write. It cant just be shite, because either A - She'll delete it and no one will ever read it, B - Won't invite me back to guest blog again, or C - both.

I shall end this blog by saying: "Transvestites, Rick Astley, David Bowie, Eddie Izzard and shit"

Thanks for watching reading

Lots of Love
George

This Makes Me Happy...

... and I hope it makes you happy too!

Television

I love: watching TV

I hate: the amount of time I waste watching TV

C-C-C-C-Changes

“Turn and face the strange c-c-changes!”

Yes, this is the second post in a row I’ve started with a David Bowie lyric.

I’m sat here at my computer, blogging, whilst drinking tea and watching really awful television. My parents keep walking past and not-so-subtley keep trying to read what I’m typing. I woke up far too late for this to be called an entire ‘day’. I feel lazy. I’ve gone back in time to November 2007.

It makes me realise how much has changed in just a few months. 99% of these changes have been good, I would say. The remaining 1% includes the fact that I’d rather not have to pay for food or rent, mais c’est la vie.

If I were a Buddhist I’d assert that nothing lasts forever. While I’m not sure that this is entirely true for all things, it’s a good rule to live by. There comes a point where you begin to stagnate – change needs to happen or you’ll end up and 80 year old unemployed, uneducated blogger spouting crap that she knows nothing about, whose only friends are the mould which has grown in the 1000s of empty mugs she’s surrounded by. I kid you not – it was a near miss indeed!

I don’t resent having to get a job. I wouldn’t say I enjoy my job, but I enjoy the impact it has on me. I remember a conversation I had with my mum back in November, where she said I was still technically a ‘dependant’. “I’m only a dependant because you made me be”, I told her. She believed that I was how I was because I chose to be, when really it was because I felt restricted into living a certain way, and it was making me feel really crap.

If I were a lazy, mindless, insipid twat, I would have rolled over and agreed to everything my parents have told me to do in the last few years. But I’m not, and maybe that’s a bad thing, I don’t know - maybe it’s just a selfish thing but it’s working so far. A few weeks ago, my mum told me she was, in fact, a bit proud of me for having my own mind.

Here are some things I've learnt:

You don’t have to make decisions, but you bloody well better not moan when you don’t like them. The stress teenagers are under mainly comes from the fact that we have so many options open to us – in theory we can be anything we want to be. In reality, well, not so much. People expect teenagers to decide what they want to do with the rest of their lives in an incredibly short amount of time. It's never going to happen unless you've known what you wanted to do since forever.

Planning is overrated. The way I see it, even if I did have a plan for what I was going to do with my life, there's no guarantee it would happen: the smallest thing could throw it off course - things out of my control. I think it's much better to not know what's going to happen: to make a vague outline but not to follow it if you don't want to, and to take chances as they come along.

People are not defined by their jobs, or their education. This might be hard to believe when your life is based around education and your future career – even social groups are formed from what subject you’re doing. I believe it is entirely possible to have the shittest job ever and be happy. It’s also possible to have the best job ever, but if you’re surrounded by wankers you’ll be unhappy.

People never learn. Including me. And there's a reason cliches such as "Que sera, sera" exist.

I Know Where You Live

I admit it. I’m a stalker.

Nah, not really. But I did have a nifty little feature on this blog that told me where everyone that read my blog came from, as well as lots of other interesting information like how many people actually came back, and how they found it.

This map shows where everyone who’s read this blog comes from:

Now I’ve officially gone over 500 visits, I don’t have this stat counter anymore. I’m not really that fussed, but it was nice to know that some people actually read what I write… it’s also rather scary. Even if it is just a German person who wants to know what wellies are.

How To Be Miserable

"Don't let me hear you say life's taking you nowhere, angel..."

A lot of people recently have been saying how they're not happy with their lives. This, quite frankly, sucks monkey balls. While there's little I can do to help, I thought I'd take a different approach, and help adopt a sort of 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em' mentality.

There's a lot of self-help gobshite on the internet, and I have found some for you.

This article seems particularly relevant, and OK, so I didn’t write this one myself, but if I had have written it, it would be pretty much the same… only better with some letters bigger than others and a few references to transvestites.

I particularly like #10: "Don’t read a book or do some work, don’t even relax or walk the dog. Get on your computer and look for something that you can feel indignant about."

And that's exactly what I intend to do.

I quite like that the article is accompanied by a picture of the author looking bald and perverted. I might incorporate that into my blog sometime.

Note

If anyone has linked to, or mentioned my blog anywhere, can they please make sure they don't use my full name. 

I don't really want everyone I know reading this blog to be honest. And no, there aren't that many people with the same name as me about. Thanking you.

Updated: Astley Goes Viral

As I'm using George's laptop, I had to search for my blog today on google. It came up with several videos including Patrick Wolf and The Horrors, Technorati (naturellement) and something called 'viralvideos'.

Apparently that Vanessa Paradis video I posted on Sunday has been put into people's blogs 50 times, and I'm one of them. Gosh I feel so honoured sad.

It might interest you to know that 'viralvideos' 2nd most popular video of today is the video for Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up'. Quite rightly too, it's a damn good song.



You know you watched it. It's worth it for the dancing at the very least.

I do enjoy YouTuber's comments though: all these women saying how much they fancied Rick Astley back in the day. Still, not as funny as 'David Bowie suck monkey balls!'* but it's nice to see Rick getting the recognition he deserves.

Update: I heard through the grapevine that this was all an April Fool's Day joke. All the videos on YouTube's homepage were linked to Rick Astley's house video. Bloody marvellous! Whoever thought of that is a genius. 

* I can confirm that this is most certainly not true