Tuesday, 28 December 2010
Blackberry
You've probably seen this but I think it's too hilarious not to show everyone. They just don't write comedy like this anymore.
Sunday, 26 December 2010
Hey Soul Sister
Train are one of those bands that have always been nice to listen to but easily forgotten: underrated. But since they've come back, they seem to be working incredibly hard to remind everyone how great they are. I don't mind, they're good.
The proof in the pudding... there's not a looker in the bunch.
Extra point for use of ukulele.
Saturday, 25 December 2010
Thursday, 23 December 2010
Wednesday, 22 December 2010
Tuesday, 21 December 2010
Festive Jesting
"Christmas time, mistletoe and wine... and young ones shouldn't be afraid..." oh no, wrong Cliff song...
So I'm in Australia, and it's been thunder storming it like a bitch for quite a while. This is the coldest 'summer' they have had for a long time, and I'm beginning to regret leaving my jumpers behind. I'm cold most of the time anyway, even when it's sunny, so I adapt. Bloody air conditioning is enough to throw any one's internal thermostat off. Warm outside, cold inside, what's the bloody point?
Anyway, my dad is annoyed that me and my mum spent about $1000 (AUD) on the Christmas tree, which is not including the ribbons and shit we've scattered all over the house slowly without him noticing... and the nearly $100 we spent on cheese yesterday. It's the cheese place's fault! They have a cheese room! A room just for cheese! It stinks! Cheese room! But anywhere that dedicates a whole room to something like cheese has got to be worth a little extra, right? ...A cheese room?! Cheese!!
You'd have thought that after years of us pissing money away at Christmas he'd be used to it - I think he just likes having something to moan about. Humbug.
My mum however, spends her spare money like it's 1999, and why not? She is a one-woman recession buster. She is also adamant that I am getting no inheritance, so is spending it all on Lindt macaroons, which probably says more about my family than I know. I said that's fine, but I'm going to dump her in a lake somewhere.
So yes, the Christmas spirit is all around us, even in Australia. It's fucking cold, everyone's pissed off and kindly threatening each other, and we have enough food to feed England for a year, or Nigella Lawson for a week.
"Once in every lifetime... dom do do, comes a love like this..."
So I'm in Australia, and it's been thunder storming it like a bitch for quite a while. This is the coldest 'summer' they have had for a long time, and I'm beginning to regret leaving my jumpers behind. I'm cold most of the time anyway, even when it's sunny, so I adapt. Bloody air conditioning is enough to throw any one's internal thermostat off. Warm outside, cold inside, what's the bloody point?
Anyway, my dad is annoyed that me and my mum spent about $1000 (AUD) on the Christmas tree, which is not including the ribbons and shit we've scattered all over the house slowly without him noticing... and the nearly $100 we spent on cheese yesterday. It's the cheese place's fault! They have a cheese room! A room just for cheese! It stinks! Cheese room! But anywhere that dedicates a whole room to something like cheese has got to be worth a little extra, right? ...A cheese room?! Cheese!!
You'd have thought that after years of us pissing money away at Christmas he'd be used to it - I think he just likes having something to moan about. Humbug.
My mum however, spends her spare money like it's 1999, and why not? She is a one-woman recession buster. She is also adamant that I am getting no inheritance, so is spending it all on Lindt macaroons, which probably says more about my family than I know. I said that's fine, but I'm going to dump her in a lake somewhere.
So yes, the Christmas spirit is all around us, even in Australia. It's fucking cold, everyone's pissed off and kindly threatening each other, and we have enough food to feed England for a year, or Nigella Lawson for a week.
"Once in every lifetime... dom do do, comes a love like this..."
Monday, 20 December 2010
Dog Training
So anyway, my mum asked me to do some dog training this morning while she's at work, so I've decided to teach them valuable life lessons via the medium 1960s pop music. Which is the medium through which I do most things these days, but it's quite versatile, I find.
It all started when they were both trying to get into the fridge to consume a cream cake I made the other day, and I started singing 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' to them. I have a hard time convincing myself that Mick Jagger isn't attractive sometimes. Damn you David Bailey.
So anyway, the dogs pissed off, but whether that was because they had become enlightened, or were scared of my singing I don't know or care. It worked. Hooray!
It all started when they were both trying to get into the fridge to consume a cream cake I made the other day, and I started singing 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' to them. I have a hard time convincing myself that Mick Jagger isn't attractive sometimes. Damn you David Bailey.
So anyway, the dogs pissed off, but whether that was because they had become enlightened, or were scared of my singing I don't know or care. It worked. Hooray!
Sunday, 19 December 2010
Saturday, 11 December 2010
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
Pretty
"The word pretty is unworthy of everything you will be."
Ok, so she looks like a scary lady, but she talks a lot of sense.
Monday, 6 December 2010
91
Yesterday I ID'd (yes, it's a verb) a guy who was definitely IDable age. He looked about 18 to me.
But oh my gee... was he pissed off about it? Indeedy. The look on his face when I asked him for ID was hilarous, but equally fucking annoying. It was just pure disbelief.
Twat:"What... me? Me? MOI?!"
Me:"Yes you you arrogant little shit, now show me your ID or get the fuck out before I glass you."
No, that's not how the conversation panned out, but that's probably how it should have happened. This is what did happen:
Twat: "Pfft..."
Me: "You better not have been born in the 90s... are you kidding me?!"
Yep, he was born in 1991. I have several things I say to people, depending on their reaction to being ID'd. I'm 21, and I have no aversion to being ID'd: people are just doing their job, if you don't like it, then drink at home. I know people that are 30 that still get ID'd and don't mind, it all depends on whether you're a dickhead or not. So anyway, these are my stock responses if I'm feeling lazy:
Them: "ID? Why?"
Me: "You're in a pub."
Them: "ID? But I'm 20!"
Me: "Oh, well sorry Grampa! Prove it!"
Them: "How old are you?"
Me: "Old enough to be your mother."
Them: "Oh my god, this is the first time I've been ID'd in ages!" (People only ever say this loudly and infront of many friends)
Me: "Don't get out much then?"
Them: "What if I don't have any?"
Me: "Then you don't get a drink."
I have several more, but I can't think of them now. Basically, jumped up students are the second most annoying customers (second to middle aged men), but at least we can swear at them. I won't tell you what a colleague said to a student last night, but it was hilarious and he asked me if she was allowed to say that. I told him she can do whatever she wants.
But oh my gee... was he pissed off about it? Indeedy. The look on his face when I asked him for ID was hilarous, but equally fucking annoying. It was just pure disbelief.
Twat:"What... me? Me? MOI?!"
Me:"Yes you you arrogant little shit, now show me your ID or get the fuck out before I glass you."
No, that's not how the conversation panned out, but that's probably how it should have happened. This is what did happen:
Twat: "Pfft..."
Me: "You better not have been born in the 90s... are you kidding me?!"
Yep, he was born in 1991. I have several things I say to people, depending on their reaction to being ID'd. I'm 21, and I have no aversion to being ID'd: people are just doing their job, if you don't like it, then drink at home. I know people that are 30 that still get ID'd and don't mind, it all depends on whether you're a dickhead or not. So anyway, these are my stock responses if I'm feeling lazy:
Them: "ID? Why?"
Me: "You're in a pub."
Them: "ID? But I'm 20!"
Me: "Oh, well sorry Grampa! Prove it!"
Them: "How old are you?"
Me: "Old enough to be your mother."
Them: "Oh my god, this is the first time I've been ID'd in ages!" (People only ever say this loudly and infront of many friends)
Me: "Don't get out much then?"
Them: "What if I don't have any?"
Me: "Then you don't get a drink."
I have several more, but I can't think of them now. Basically, jumped up students are the second most annoying customers (second to middle aged men), but at least we can swear at them. I won't tell you what a colleague said to a student last night, but it was hilarious and he asked me if she was allowed to say that. I told him she can do whatever she wants.
Thursday, 2 December 2010
Big Bastard Sofa
A sofa is a very dominant thing. Not just spatially, but linguistically.
I am currently sat having a nice cup of tea. I am at the kitchen table. If I were sat on the sofa having a cup of tea, I would be just that: sat on the sofa (first) having a cup of tea (second). The act of being sat on a sofa dominates whatever action you're doing, because it's an action in itself. Unless the action is a more dominant one, or one which implies sofa-sitting. Interesting.
In terms of spatial dominance, sofas are pretty fucking big. Not so much when compared to a cruise liner or a cathedral, but especially when compared to an ant or a salt shaker.
I am currently sat having a nice cup of tea. I am at the kitchen table. If I were sat on the sofa having a cup of tea, I would be just that: sat on the sofa (first) having a cup of tea (second). The act of being sat on a sofa dominates whatever action you're doing, because it's an action in itself. Unless the action is a more dominant one, or one which implies sofa-sitting. Interesting.
In terms of spatial dominance, sofas are pretty fucking big. Not so much when compared to a cruise liner or a cathedral, but especially when compared to an ant or a salt shaker.
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