Thursday 30 June 2011
Again
Basically, I'm moving house again. So, who knows how long it will be until my next post, it may be tomorrow, it may be in two weeks time... who knows? Do you? I certainly don't!
Wednesday 22 June 2011
Tuesday 21 June 2011
Overheard #36
Child: How old are you?
Me: Twenty two.
Child: Wow! That's really old. You're almost as old as my mum, she's forty.
Me: ...thanks.
Me: Twenty two.
Child: Wow! That's really old. You're almost as old as my mum, she's forty.
Me: ...thanks.
Run The World
This is exactly what I've been trying to say but she is overwhelmingly more eloquent than I am.
Monday 20 June 2011
Showing Up
The other day I saw some parents with a toddler in a shop. The toddler was crying in a pushchair, and the dad looked down and said, "No. Go to sleep now." I immediately thought, "Oh, isn't that nice to see a good father these days", which is sad for two reasons:
1. Why does it seem that everyone's dad is either not present, or shit?
2. The guy wasn't actually doing anything to suggest he's a particularly good father, except for communicating with his child. If I saw a mother doing the exact same thing I would think nothing of it.
It seems to me that in terms of parenting, men are given much more credit simply for showing up. We don't grant mothers this lenience, if anything we judge their attempts. The role of the father is becoming increasingly passive as mothers and society adapt to life without them, so the few that take an active role stand out.
Oh, and Happy Fathers Day.
1. Why does it seem that everyone's dad is either not present, or shit?
2. The guy wasn't actually doing anything to suggest he's a particularly good father, except for communicating with his child. If I saw a mother doing the exact same thing I would think nothing of it.
It seems to me that in terms of parenting, men are given much more credit simply for showing up. We don't grant mothers this lenience, if anything we judge their attempts. The role of the father is becoming increasingly passive as mothers and society adapt to life without them, so the few that take an active role stand out.
Oh, and Happy Fathers Day.
Saturday 18 June 2011
Hilarious Chauvinists
A group of guys twats came into the pub today dressed like women. Proper, whole-hog dressed like women: underwear, make-up, dresses, shoes, handbags. "How utterly hilarious we are!", I bet they thought... hilarious?
Why is it funny to be dressed as a woman? Is it funny for a woman to be dressed as a man? Oh - think I've spotted the massive gaping chauvinistic whole in your plan there, you pricks. They were obviously slightly uncomfortable as they were because they felt the need to constantly refer to the fact that they were dressed like women. It wasn't for a reason, it wasn't a costume as someone - it was being women for the sake of being women. Isn't it funny?! Aside from the fact that they were generally twats as well, my colleague couldn't understand why I was offended by their parade.
"Is it funny that I'm wearing trousers and a shirt?" I shouted at him. "I'm dressed in men's clothes. Why is it funny to be dressed like a woman? Because it's degrading being a woman. That's why." Then he left me alone and I mumbled all sorts about chauvinists and bastards and we refused them service soon after. Gutted. How come the little boys at school don't want to use pink stationary, and are mocked if they have to borrow a girl's pink pencil? It's a scarily ingrained form of bigotry which people refuse to acknowledge.
How about if a group of men came in the pub dressed like an ethnic minority? Or all dressed like gays, or dressed like a certain religion - not as fancy dress, just as a generic way of poking fun. That's offensive. We wouldn't serve them if they were a bunch of white guys dressed like black guys or Jews or Muslims, because that's racist. So why are women overlooked, and why should we have to put up with this subtle, but equally in-your-face demonstration? Why is sexism on this level still acceptable?
Wear a dress, by all means! I'm not saying men shouldn't wear whatever they want to wear. Just don't make a joke out of it, because that's patronising. Eddie Izzard manages to simultaneously wear women's clothes and be a comedian, yet the fact that he's a transvestite is not why he's funny. He's funny because, well, he's funny and very clever, the fact that he looks fabulous is just a rarely mentioned aesthetic bonus. And no, I'm not a moaning feminist, and shame on you if you think I'm being overly dramatic.
Why is it funny to be dressed as a woman? Is it funny for a woman to be dressed as a man? Oh - think I've spotted the massive gaping chauvinistic whole in your plan there, you pricks. They were obviously slightly uncomfortable as they were because they felt the need to constantly refer to the fact that they were dressed like women. It wasn't for a reason, it wasn't a costume as someone - it was being women for the sake of being women. Isn't it funny?! Aside from the fact that they were generally twats as well, my colleague couldn't understand why I was offended by their parade.
"Is it funny that I'm wearing trousers and a shirt?" I shouted at him. "I'm dressed in men's clothes. Why is it funny to be dressed like a woman? Because it's degrading being a woman. That's why." Then he left me alone and I mumbled all sorts about chauvinists and bastards and we refused them service soon after. Gutted. How come the little boys at school don't want to use pink stationary, and are mocked if they have to borrow a girl's pink pencil? It's a scarily ingrained form of bigotry which people refuse to acknowledge.
How about if a group of men came in the pub dressed like an ethnic minority? Or all dressed like gays, or dressed like a certain religion - not as fancy dress, just as a generic way of poking fun. That's offensive. We wouldn't serve them if they were a bunch of white guys dressed like black guys or Jews or Muslims, because that's racist. So why are women overlooked, and why should we have to put up with this subtle, but equally in-your-face demonstration? Why is sexism on this level still acceptable?
Wear a dress, by all means! I'm not saying men shouldn't wear whatever they want to wear. Just don't make a joke out of it, because that's patronising. Eddie Izzard manages to simultaneously wear women's clothes and be a comedian, yet the fact that he's a transvestite is not why he's funny. He's funny because, well, he's funny and very clever, the fact that he looks fabulous is just a rarely mentioned aesthetic bonus. And no, I'm not a moaning feminist, and shame on you if you think I'm being overly dramatic.
Thursday 16 June 2011
Listening
Continuing the school theme of this week, here's...
Four Things I've Mostly Been Saying Today
1. "Mrs __ is talking, you need to be listening."
2. "What should you be doing?/What have you just been asked to do?"
3. "Was that a sensible thing to do?"
4. "Put it away, I don't want to see it again."
#4 is in reference to both lego and arses.
Four Things I've Mostly Been Saying Today
1. "Mrs __ is talking, you need to be listening."
2. "What should you be doing?/What have you just been asked to do?"
3. "Was that a sensible thing to do?"
4. "Put it away, I don't want to see it again."
#4 is in reference to both lego and arses.
Wednesday 15 June 2011
Alice The Camel
We took the kids on a school trip today.
There are many parts of a school trip that are stressful, which all begin when some poor sod (not me yet as I just get to do the fun bit so far) has to write a ridiculously thorough risk assessment. After the planning, you then on the day need to make sure you've got everything, including copious health and safety garb and paraphernalia, including: inhalers bigger than the actual child, sick buckets, spare clothes, scalpels, hairnets, fishcakes and rhubarb.
The coach trip is, I'm beginning to think, a good summary of teaching. If you want to know what teaching's like, go on a coach with 30 hyped-up children. Children with a terrifyingly large knowledge of songs, yet irritatingly limited knowledge of lyrics.
The coach leaves. "Alice the camel had... 10 humps..." Ok, this is fine, let them sing, it's quite funny. "BOM BOM BOM!" Ok, it's very funny. "Alice the camel had... 9 humps..." If they weren't singing about this charming camel they'd only be shouting, poking, honking and emitting gasses and liquids as loudly as possible. "Alice the camel had... hey, let's start from 1 million! ...Yeah!!" The decision to start from a million is foiled by the fact that they don't actually know how much a million is. "Alice the camel had... nine hundred and ninety nine humps..." which is quite hilarious in itself. "BOM BOM BOM!" So then they get confused and just repeat the verse over and over with a mumble when it comes to the number. "Alice the camel had... dhfbninetysdftwelve humps...?" Which makes them all bored and eager to reach the hilarious and surprising conclusion... "Alice was a horse!" And the crowd go wild.
"Alice the camel had..."
"What other songs do we know? We've finished that one, choose a different one."
"WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU." Oh good, I like Queen.
"WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU."
Apparently the verses to 'We Will Rock You' aren't on the curriculum this year - just the chorus.
"Does anyone know what words come next in that song?" I ask them. Blank faces. "Right, so I think we've finished that song too, let's sing something else." Then they sat confused and annoying each other and squealing for a while, until someone began the vaguely familiar song:
"Down in the jungle where nobody knows
There's a big fat gorilla, picking his nose.
And he picks it and he flicks it just to see where it goes...
It goes here, it goes there, it goes everywhere."
Teacher training doesn't teach you how to stop yourself from laughing uncontrollably at something inappropriate, but it really should.
"We're nearly there, so how about a few rounds of London's Burning?" They love that song, but the rounds confuse the hell out of them. "This side starts, then this side goes after. Remember you will finish singing after they do and listen to what you're singing, not what they're singing."
"London's burning, London's burning,
Fetch the BURNING, fetch the BURNING,
London's FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE, engine,
Pour on engine, FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE,
Pour on water, POUR ON WATER..."
"Marvellous! We almost had it that time."
...and then we arrived at our destination.
There are many parts of a school trip that are stressful, which all begin when some poor sod (not me yet as I just get to do the fun bit so far) has to write a ridiculously thorough risk assessment. After the planning, you then on the day need to make sure you've got everything, including copious health and safety garb and paraphernalia, including: inhalers bigger than the actual child, sick buckets, spare clothes, scalpels, hairnets, fishcakes and rhubarb.
The coach trip is, I'm beginning to think, a good summary of teaching. If you want to know what teaching's like, go on a coach with 30 hyped-up children. Children with a terrifyingly large knowledge of songs, yet irritatingly limited knowledge of lyrics.
The coach leaves. "Alice the camel had... 10 humps..." Ok, this is fine, let them sing, it's quite funny. "BOM BOM BOM!" Ok, it's very funny. "Alice the camel had... 9 humps..." If they weren't singing about this charming camel they'd only be shouting, poking, honking and emitting gasses and liquids as loudly as possible. "Alice the camel had... hey, let's start from 1 million! ...Yeah!!" The decision to start from a million is foiled by the fact that they don't actually know how much a million is. "Alice the camel had... nine hundred and ninety nine humps..." which is quite hilarious in itself. "BOM BOM BOM!" So then they get confused and just repeat the verse over and over with a mumble when it comes to the number. "Alice the camel had... dhfbninetysdftwelve humps...?" Which makes them all bored and eager to reach the hilarious and surprising conclusion... "Alice was a horse!" And the crowd go wild.
"Alice the camel had..."
"What other songs do we know? We've finished that one, choose a different one."
"WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU." Oh good, I like Queen.
"WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU. ROCK YOU."
Apparently the verses to 'We Will Rock You' aren't on the curriculum this year - just the chorus.
"Does anyone know what words come next in that song?" I ask them. Blank faces. "Right, so I think we've finished that song too, let's sing something else." Then they sat confused and annoying each other and squealing for a while, until someone began the vaguely familiar song:
"Down in the jungle where nobody knows
There's a big fat gorilla, picking his nose.
And he picks it and he flicks it just to see where it goes...
It goes here, it goes there, it goes everywhere."
Teacher training doesn't teach you how to stop yourself from laughing uncontrollably at something inappropriate, but it really should.
"We're nearly there, so how about a few rounds of London's Burning?" They love that song, but the rounds confuse the hell out of them. "This side starts, then this side goes after. Remember you will finish singing after they do and listen to what you're singing, not what they're singing."
"London's burning, London's burning,
Fetch the BURNING, fetch the BURNING,
London's FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE, engine,
Pour on engine, FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE,
Pour on water, POUR ON WATER..."
"Marvellous! We almost had it that time."
...and then we arrived at our destination.
Pepe
I godamn love Pepe LePew, and I don't care what anyone says. That stupid French skunk is fucking hilarious. Just look at this confused cat... look at it!! Doesn't know what's hit it!!
That's the most hilarious case of bestial attempted rape I've ever seen.
Ps. Just because you're French, doesn't mean you can smoke on kids TV!
That's the most hilarious case of bestial attempted rape I've ever seen.
Ps. Just because you're French, doesn't mean you can smoke on kids TV!
Tuesday 14 June 2011
Monday 13 June 2011
Parachute
This is Sean Lennon. I know what you're thinking: it's an asian John Lennon. He looks so much like his dad. He sounds hardly anything like him, however, yet he manages to still be awesome in his own way.
Here's a mini-translation of Parachute / L'Eclipse:
Si on s'éclipse ce soir
On le sait tous les deux
On se laissera porter
Comme dans nos rêves
Sur cette mélodie
Elle nous suffit ce soir
À se croire immortel
Comme la vie
If it disappears tonight
Both of us know
We allow ourselves carry
Like in our dreams
On this melody
For us, it's enough tonight
To believe we are immortal
Like life
Here's a mini-translation of Parachute / L'Eclipse:
Si on s'éclipse ce soir
On le sait tous les deux
On se laissera porter
Comme dans nos rêves
Sur cette mélodie
Elle nous suffit ce soir
À se croire immortel
Comme la vie
If it disappears tonight
Both of us know
We allow ourselves carry
Like in our dreams
On this melody
For us, it's enough tonight
To believe we are immortal
Like life
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