How To Not Swear

So I've decided that I obviously swear too much, so luckily I've come up with some handy, PG substitutes!

"Shit" - "Sugar"

"Twat" - "Twit"

"Bugger" - "Bother"

"Gobshite" - "Rhubarb"

"For fuck's sake" - "For goodness' sake"

"Went down like a sack of shit" - "Went down like a tonne of bricks"

"Piss it" - "Oh dear"

"Bastarding wankers" - "Nasty people"

How To Make Perfect Cookie Dough

I don't like to toot my own horn, but I'm fucking amazing. I've recently discovered the perfect cookie dough recipe. But - the genius is in fact not just in how scrummy the cookies are, but the fact that this dough has no egg in it, and so is not only suitable for vegans and pregnant ladies, but it also means that it doesn't need to be cooked. This opens up a whole word of deliciously cellulite producing opportunities...

This cookie dough can be made in bulk, and kept in the freezer if you like. Then you can make cookies quickly whenever you want to, or you can use it in any of the following ways:

• Mixed in with ice cream
• Used as icing ontop of chocolate chip cupcakes
• Adding to a fudge recipe and making 'Cookie Dough Fudge'
• Baked in a springform tin and used as a cheesecake base
• Unbaked and spread ontop of a cheesecake instead of a topping
• Added to a 'Rocky Road' mixture

Here's the recipe:

165g margarine (salted)
75g caster sugar
4 tbsp golden syrup
3 tbsp (ish) milk
1 tsp vanilla extract
260g plain flour
1 1/2 tsp bicarbonate of soda
100g (ish) of chocolate chips

1. Put oven on 200 Celsius (ish).
   
2. Add mix marg and sugar until fluffy. You will need an electric mixer/whisk for this.
3. Add and mix the syrup, milk and vanilla with the electric mixer also.
4. Add the flour, bicarb and chocolate chips and mix by hand.
5. Make into teaspoon sized balls and place on baking tray in the middle of the oven. After 10 minutes keep and eye on them until they look done.

Easy, peasy! I'm liking the sound of that cookie dough fudge... that may be next on my agenda...

How To Deal With A Pervert

As a barmaid I endure a lot of this chauvinist shite on a daily basis.

For example, the other week a very odd man was standing at the bar directly opposite the till I was using. Everytime I went to that end of the bar he would stare at me very obviously. I asked him if he was ok, and he asked if he could buy me a drink, which I refused because he was obviously a few cuckoos short of a nest. The next time I went to use my till he said to me, “Would you marry a black man?” (he was black). It was at this point that the pervert ring comes in handy. Here are several ways I know to avoid drunk perverts:

1. The Pervert Ring – The pervert ring, as rude as it sounds, is a ring that female bar staff wear to avoid speaking to pervy customers. It doesn’t need to even be on the right hand - all you need to do is wave a be-ringed hand at a drunk pervert and it's amazing how most of them will shut up and leave you alone.
2. The Scary Boyfriend - Get the scariest male member of staff to pretend to be your boyfriend and look menacing. For fucks sake don’t pretend a female member of staff is your girlfriend… for obvious reasons.
3. The non-MILF - Something you can say to people who ask for your number if they look even slightly younger than you is “What! I’m old enough to be your mother!” This, at the very least, will confuse them. When they ask how old you are make up some ridiculous age and walk away.
4. The Fucking Insane – Whatever you do, just make them think you’re fucking insane. Host a ‘who can snort like a pig the loudest’ competition. Sing a lovely song for your admiring customers – I recommend ‘Mama’ by the Spice Girls purely because it’s got some awesome high notes that will piss them off. ‘Angels’ by Robbie Williams is equally perfect. Shouting out words or phrases at random, or if you're able maybe even a bit of spontaneous crying might be nice.
   
5. The “You Disgust Me” – In a similar vein to the last one – just make them completely disgusted by you. If someone is obviously staring at you – now is a great time to proclaim that you need a wee. Or pretend to pick your nose. Make up a song about STIs. “I’ve got crabs, I’ve got crabs I’ve got crabs…” to the tune of ‘Let It Snow’ is a nice one. Or, have a loud conversation about something gross, such as, “How are your mum’s genital warts getting along?”
6. The “…no.” – Saying a simple “no” can be quite funny. There’s the ‘Pissed-off’ “no”, the ‘Monotone’ “no”, ‘The WTF’ “no” etc. You can add a reason if you like, such as “… because you’ve spent the whole evening staring at my colleagues arse” or “… because you’re a twat”. You can also put the situation in perspective for them, for example: “… I’d rather rape a dolphin”, “… I’d rather put my foot in a blender, then drink it”.

These are, of course, to be used only on perverted wankers. If a genuinely nice and sober person is trying to chat you up (this has happened maybe twice the whole time I’ve worked on a bar) then it’s a horrifically embarrassing experience and you should politely decline. Unless you’re up for it, in which case… wahey!

How Feign Domesticity

It's Christmas Eve, and my Christmas nesting is very much in full-swing. I've made a ridiculous amount of decorations, table center-pieces, and a flower arrangement... or two. I'm also making the roast potatoes this year because my dad insists that they're not necessary when it's sunny. The fool!

Every year without fail I experience what can only be described as nesting at Christmas. The urge to make everything shiny is stronger than ever at this time of year. I spend all my time making things, and cooking, cleaning, and cooking some more. It's probably because of the crafty nature of the season, and also they fact that I generally have more free time in the holidays.

For those of you that think you can't cook, I have discovered something very easy to make and yummy indeed. A bit of an Aussie Christmas staple, I've decided to make my own rocky road this year. Rocky road is basically uber-chocolate, and it's ideal for the incredibly lazy and/or kitchen imcompetant.

You will need:
A bitchload of chocolate - (400g ish, probably more)
Golden Syrup - 2/3 tbsp
Little marshmallows (preferably gelatine free!)
Cherries (or Cranberries if you're feeling festive or have infected ovaries)
Some sort of unsalted nuts (I used pistachio)
Dessicated coconut
Some sort of chewy sweet (Gelatine free for me! I have used Turkish Delight, but some people don't like it, so you can use jelly worms or something)

1. Line a square tin with parchment paper, so they don't stick, silly!
2. Melt the chocolate and syrup in a pan or bain marie
3. Chop up everything else into little pieces (about 1 or 2 cm square) You can put as much or as little of everything in as you think will be nice.
4. Chuck everything in the same bowl, and mixy mixy!
5. Put it all in the lined tray, leave it until it reaches room temperature, and then pop it in the fridge.
6. Leave it over night in the fridge and when it's set cut it into rectangles

Some people put icing sugar on but I think this looks a bit naff, so I put white chocolate chips ontop when it was partially cooled down instead.

Yes, I will be the size of a house by the time I've made and consumed a Baileys cheesecake tonight. They may have to grease me up to squeeze me into the plane, but I think it will be worth it.

How To Be A Good Child

Mother's Day is on the 22nd of March - that's this Sunday. Don't forget it.

Send her a card, Moonpig is pretty good if you're lazy or far away. Get her some lovely flowers (not carnations, no one likes carnations) or chocolates. Or, if you're feeling creative, get her something nice off etsy.

Marvellous! You have officially done your duty as a child. Now go back to berating her for the other 364 days of the year.

How To Pack A Suitcase

I've done a fair bit of packing and I'd like to think I've got it down to a fine art. Here's how I pack:

• Know the weight allowance for your checked-in luggage on your airline website. This will depend on what type of flight you're going on and what airline you're with. Long-haul is usually between 20-26kg... so fill your booties, cuties.
  
• If you're a girl you get to take two hand luggage bags! Hooray for ladies! You can take one 'small' handbag and a hand luggage bag. Anyone can also take a laptop, but you can't take a laptop and a small handbag if that makes sense. Oh, and they have to fit in the squarey hand luggage size-tester thingy at the airport however many bags you're taking.
• Hand luggage is obvious, but I wrote about that before here.
  
• To pack clothes, make sure you've got enough outfits for the number of days you're there if you're there for a week or less. Any more than a week and you might want to consider taking less clothes but make sure that you have something to wear that is formal. If you want take one or two dresses, but they're not very practical in terms of packing because they take up more room if they're poofy and you can't mix and match them with anything.
• Never take more than 3 pairs of shoes, wherever you're going and whatever you're doing: it's unnecessary.
• When putting things in your suitcase, put things into piles of: Clothes, Heavy objects (i.e. books), Light objects (Toiletries) and Dodgy things (i.e. weirdly shaped things and food).
• Firstly, heavy things go at the bottom of the suitcase, so it's not top heavy and doesn't keep falling over.
  
• Underwear and jewellery goes in shoes, shoes also go at the bottom and preferably in plastic bags so no dirty shoe-ness gets on your clothes. Make sure there's no mud on your shoes as this can be a bit iffy at some customs (mainly Australia and the US).
• If you roll clothes instead of folding them, they don't crease as much but they take up more room I think.
  
• Put one set of clothes in your handluggage.
• Everything else just goes in wherever it will go, except...
  
• Dodgy things need to go right at the top of your suitcase, or so they're easily accessible. This is in case you get stopped at customs and have to open your suitcase. It just saves time. They probably won't want to look at the food you have, but if you have anything that's very pointy, freaky, or weapony then they'll probably want to know what it is.
• Dodgy things also includes any medicines. Make sure they're all in the original boxes with instructions and declare them.
  
• Keep a small list of last minute things to pack which you will be using right until you leave, including: hairbrush, toothbrush, keys, phone etc. which you might not want to have in your handluggage.
• But actually, I would keep phones in hand luggage - if you would die without it, don't put it in your checked-in luggage, because bags do get lost. This is why you should always put a luggage tag on your bag with your name and address and remove any tags from previous flights.
  
• Have travel insurance and a copy of it on you whilst travelling.
  
• Put a padlock on your bag because luggage handlers have been known to nick things. If customs want to look inside, they will... but they'll just smash the lock off.
• Designer suitcases attract thieves. Mines from Argos and it's done me fine to New York, Isle of Wight and Australia 3 times in the last few years.
  
• The week before you go also have a bit of paper somewhere to write down things you remember you need to pack - I always remember odd things one by one and it's just useful to have a list to cross off as I'm packing.
• Finally - for Christ's sake make sure you know what you can and can't take into the country. The amount of stupid people you see bringing fruit and nuts into Australia is ridiculous - even wooden objects! If the x-rays don't find it, the sniffer-dogs will - you will be fined, and you will deserve it. Gutted indeed.
  

And that is all my little pickle-noses!

How To Be A Pedestrian

You would think people knew how to walk on a pavement, but apparently not so this has to be written.

· Do not walk in the cycle path. Whether you’re on a pavement which has a cycle path integrated into the middle of it, or whether you stupidly decide to walk on the cycle path at the side of the road: don’t do it. Are you a bike? Do you have wheels? Then get out of the fucking cycle lane before I run you over.

· Walk at the side of the path. It’s all very well to absently trundle along in the middle of the path if you’ve go nothing better to do, but some people do have things to do and need to get past you. Please walk to one side of the path, it makes it a lot easier for cyclists, and also for people who walk faster than you.

· Don’t walk in a row. I can accept that it would break your heart to be torn away from the side of your 16 friends for a few minutes, but if you would be so kind as to move to the side slightly when you see a bike coming along. You are not the Jackson 5, you don’t need to stand in a row.

· Don’t assume there’s a cycle path. There’s not always a cycle path. If there were cycle paths which didn’t involve risking limbs I’m sure they would be used more. Maybe if all the pedestrians weren’t scattered across the pavement and in the cycle path, there would be more room for bikes.

· Don’t smugly rev at cyclists as you zoom past. Yes, cars go faster than bikes. Well done for noticing that. It might be due to the environment-polluting engine you’ve got there.

· Don’t be offended when they use their bell. It’s not personal dear, you’re just in the way.

Happy Birthday Blog!

Hooray again! It's www.harharbonk.blogspot.com's birthday today! (Except it was yesterday but I haven't gone to sleep yet so it still counts... I've been very busy busy working working working!)

That's right it's been a whole year of ridiculousness and telling people things they didn't want to know or even need to know! Good times!

To commemorate this momentous occasion, I thought it would be nice to remind everyone how awesome I am. So here is my top 10 blog posts from the last year:

Wellies

How To Be Nice

Naa-Mez

How To Fly Long-Haul

The Ballard Of The Mallard

37

Top 10 Ambiguous Songs

Top 10 90s Songs

No Such Thing

Oh...!

I say that, but there may be other ones. These are the ones I can see from quickly looking through the titles, but I don't know. It's sort of like choosing a favourite mole, they're all pretty rubbish and ugly and might end up killing you one day. Bad analogy alert.

Any ideas what ones should be in the top 10? I may change my list.

How To Get A Job - Part 2

Right, now we’re suited and booted and raring to go – let’s hand out those beautiful CVs.

If you’re in a position where you can be picky about where you work, then I would suggest doing a search on google or yell.com to find the type of shop you would preferably like to work in. It can tell you how far from your address it is too, which is quite handy.

If you’re a ‘beggar’, and consequently it is impractical for you to simultaneously be a ‘chooser’ then your best bet it to literally walk around wherever it is you’d like to work and give every shop, café, and brothel your CV. Go to the high street and pop a CV in to every shop you can get to, it might mean you hand them out to places you don’t like, but what did I tell you about being a ‘chooser’?! No way, Jose!

Go to places other people might not have thought of – hotels need a lot of staff but often people don’t think of them because they’re not a shop or a bit out of the way. Smaller offices are also good places to try.

Always, always ask your friends and family if they know of any jobs that are going. They might have a friend of a friend of a dog who needs someone to work in an ice cream factory for them for £100 an hour. This is how I’ve ended up in 50% of my jobs so far, so it’s definitely a good idea to ask.

It’s always better to hand out more CVs than you think you should. The more people that have it, the more interview offer you will get, and you can always turn them down if something better comes along.

When you go into the shop and do the following:

• Have a look around before you try to talk to the staff
• Wait until they’re not busy to talk to them
• Talk to the person who looks the friendliest
• If possible, buy something
• Be friendly, and make some sort of comment or observation that makes you seem friendly – talk to them because you want them to want to work with you!
• Speak clearly
• Listen to them
  
• If they say no, ask them if they know when they will be in the future
• If they say no again, ask if you can give them your CV to get back to you if anything comes up
• Give them a cheeky, cheeky little grin
• Skip out of the store like a magical pixie, flapping your arms as if they were wings

The last point is optional.

So, now you’ve handed them out, it's time to have a nice cup of tea and stress over your financial situation! And maybe have a biscuit too!

They may or may not get back to you in a week or so. If you’ve heard nothing after 3 weeks then I’d keep looking. It could be that they’re keeping your CV on file and you’ll get a call from them in 4 months time when you’ve forgotten all about them, or have resorted to going on the game, or worse – McDonalds.

If you're a lucky little goose you might get an interview. I may or may not write about interviews, because to be honest I'm shockingly bad at interviews and the only reason anybody has given me a job as a result of one is that they felt sorry for me after I'd made such an enormous arse of myself.

How To Get A Job - Part 1

I’ve had a fair few jobs in my time, and I’d like to share my words of wisdom on the matter.

If you want a job that is a full-time permanent position, I would suggest going to an agency that will sort you out good and proper.

Firstly, you’ll need a CV. If you haven’t already got a CV then shame on you, you ridiculous shoe, make one immediately! Gala Darling’s CV How-To is brilliant, and this website’s not too shabby either.

Obviously, your CV needs:

• Your details: name, address, phone number, email etc.
• Your work experience (most recent first- but you don’t have to put dates as long as it states how long you were there for)
• Your qualifications
• Any additional information or skills you may have
• Two references

You will also need a cover letter for your CV, because your CV will feel naked without it and a naked CV is not only rather rude and inappropriate, but possibly illegal. A good cover letter should include:

• Who you are (briefly)
• What job you’re applying for
• Where you saw the job advertised
• Why you would be good at the job/What relevant experience you have
• Any extra information that, quite frankly, isn’t any of your CV’s business!

It should be formal and make you sound brilliant, but not arrogant. It should also finish with something like, “Thank you for reviewing my application, I hope to hear from you soon” or “Thank you for taking the time to consider my application”. Something nice and polite, like. Try not to repeat things that are in your CV unless you’re trying to emphasise a point or something you think will be beneficial (“I have twenty Olympic gold medals” “I have a dog called Rasputin who can communicate with wheely bins”).

You can print it off on nice paper, or coloured paper if you so choose. I chose purple envelopes (naturally) and white paper to jazz things up a bit. The girl in Lush seemed very impressed, and I genuinely think it does make a difference, although it’s not entirely necessary. It really depends what type of job you’re looking for and what type of people you want to work with. Cool job/people = cool stationary.

Now it’s time for handing out these beautiful CVs… I’m afraid you’ll have to wait until Part 2 for that exciting venture!

How To Rock A Pocket Square

Yes, I have decided to bring back pocket squares... honestly, all the 'trendy' kids will be wearing them soon... yeah, really groovy!

One day, it may even be possible that it is necessary for every household, or even every room to have it's very own pocket square holder! (pictured) Oh yes, the epitome of class.

Since I am neither a man, nor a professional pocket square-folder (I'd say I was more a novice) I shall leave the explanation to the marvellous people at 'artofmanliness.com' (fantastic website by the way, even if you're not a man) that wrote this how-to:

How To Correctly and Easily Fold A Pocket Square

Good stuff.

I like how it gives you different options of ways of wearing it, just incase you're feeling a little saucy one day and decide to try the 'Puff fold'.

Risque, dare I say! Happy folding... you devilish old cads, you.

How To Use Your Computer Without The Internet

... Productively, that is!

(Oh! I think I should mention that the 'd' button on my laptop has for some reason gone a bit dodgy, so if words make no sense for a little while, this may be the cause... or I'm just talking crap again.)

Goshness Goodness me, I hate not having the internet. I may possibly have a phobia of it. How sad. How drole. How very 21st century of me.

Another thing I hate, is when the 'd' button on my keyboard sticks. But enough of that. I also islike being unproductive when I'm in a prouctive mood, because when I'm on a roll, I'm on a mother'ucking roll, kapiche?!

So, here's a list I compiled to keep the mother'ucker rolling:

1. Blog - In word, that is, then post it later when I'm too busy being lazy to write anything.

2. Listen - To music or podcasts that you haven't had time to listen to since you downloaded them. Why not, I say!

3. Scan - Your computer for viruses. I don't like how it slows my laptop down when the anti-virus doo-dah runs.

4. Tidy - Your files. There's a lot of shee on there you don't need, I'm guessing.

5. Update - Your CV! It probably needs doing.

Now, let's all pray the internet never breaks again.

How To Be A Superhero

Well, I say superhero… what I mean is how to save the planet… but in a fun way! Superhero sounded better. Sorry if you feel mislead… Muahahaha!

Walk
Honestly walking can be fun! I love walking! You get to listen to nice music, look at nice things, and look at people’s faces in a shifty way as you walk past them… well maybe not that last one, but sometimes it’s nice to smile at people and in a way that’s saving the planet too because it’s making people happy.

Freecycle
It’s like uber-recycling! Some things on there are a bit dodgy… who would request second-hand bedding? That’s just wrong. Other things are great, just stuff that people don’t want anymore but are too nice to throw away... now please provide us with a sofa!

Plant Pretty Flowers
They make oxygen, which is handy because we need that to breathe apparently.

Use Candles
I actually don’t know if they’re any more energy efficient than lightbulbs… maybe, whatever, they look nice. Don’t set anyone on fire.

Adopt Vegetarian Tendencies
If you’re not wavering on vegetarian already, don’t try and be vegetarian. It’s unnecessary to force yourself and you’ll only give up after a while. Though it has been proven that vegetarianism is better for the environment. Think about it – crops full of oxygen-producing vegetables and grains V.S. fields full of stinky, stinky, animals?

There we go, fun ways to be eco-friendly! You already knew them, but I do these ones so hooray for me!

How To Palm-Read

I mentioned in this post (which seems like ages ago, I might add!) that I had big plans for palmistry. Admittedly, they were briefly forgotten plans, but now they are very much plans in action! The best kind of plans!

After some careful and fruitful internet snooping, I’ve been teaching myself how to read palms. Here’s how you can read your palm, too.

The lines on your hand may change as you gain experiences, so some people think of palmistry as more accurate (if any of it can be said to be accurate) than things such as the zodiac. Palmistry is not supposed to tell the future, it’s supposed to tell the past.

Firstly, I tried out this website. It doesn’t so much explain how to read your palm, but more reads it for you and tells you the result. This is what it said for me, I’ll make it small because it’s very wordy:

"Dynamism, power, leadership and zest characterise your personality. Highly energised and enthusiastic, you hold out even during tough times. But remember not to overdo this. Your decision-making is swift and on-the-spot most of the times. Versatility is thy other name. You are also romantic, but with a generous dash of challenge thrown in.

Your index finger is short. This makes you a dependable team player. A position of command is not for you. But you do have a keen eye for detail. You can be impulsive; not all your moves are quite rational. Look out! Stress could get the better of you. Your index finger being longer than your ring finger points to you being realistic but aggressive at the same time. Yet, you are not able to stand your ground at times. Your sense of judgement is finely balanced. Your middle finger being longer than the adjoining fingers in length signifies an even view towards life. You are extremely organised; seldom ever do you 'come apart' in any situation. You seem to have all stages of your life worked out to the last detail, and possess an unbiased and sagacious personality. You evaluate and analyse all your actions towards achieving your goals in life and get there through sheer dedication and will power. The top of your ring finger is in level with the base of the fingernail of your middle finger. You are a sweet talker and can seduce most people and bend them to your will. But this style may have only short-lived results! Since your little finger is set lower than your other fingers, you encumber and impede your own life. The pursuit of goals seems unimportant to you and hence you make no effort to reach out. Your little finger does not reach the first flexure line (joint) of your ring finger. You are a shy introvert and speak only when spoken to. You are intelligent and knowledgeable, yet uncommunicative.

You have a long life and will live to up to about 70. You attach a lot of importance to customs and rituals. You prefer constancy and stability to change. You are deeply attached to your home.

Your head line touches your line of life. You are an extremely conservative person. All innovation is deplorable; you stick resolutely to what you learned during your 'growing up' years. Make sure you don't offend or suffocate others with your fixed ways. Your headline ends in a fork. You contemplate deeply before executing plans. This trait is usually inherent in lawyers and authors. Your headline is medium straight. You are a highly rational individual. You are thought oriented and never act before thinking it through.

You are a highly energetic person who emotes with physical touch. Your personality is marked by a strong sensual presence. You demonstrate your feelings freely - be these feelings of affection or otherwise.

Since your fateline starts in the middle of the palm, it reflects that you have a strong sense of individuality. You are meticulous and full of determination."

I think that was pretty damn interesting. I think it is quite accurate too, I’d say so anyway, but then I never know with these type of things because some of them are so general they could be true for anyone.

But enough of this lesbian jam! I want to know how to actually read a palm, not just the outcome!

Left, Right, Left

The palm you read should be your dominant hand, so it will depend on whether you are right or left handed. Apparently, right handed people are usually more logical and left handed people are usually more creative, this is due to the corresponding sides of the brain attached to these hands. How interesting!

Fingers

Different fingers are said to signify different things:

Index finger = Ego & Ambition
Middle Finger = Balance
Ring Finger = Emotions & Creativity
Little Finger = Communication

Lines

I hope you like this little picture I drew.

Obviously if your hand actually looks like that it's probably been mangled in some sort of horrific accident, and I'm very sorry indeed.

The whole line reading thing is pretty obvious - if a line, for example your head line is very straight then that supposedly means that you have very fixed ways of thinkings. If it is curved it means you have the ability to be very flexible in the way you think. This applies to all lines, really. A short line may signify short sightedness in terms of ways of thinking, and a head line which branches out might mean someone who can think in a variety of ways.

'Writer's Fork'

If your head line has a fork at the end of it, this is called a 'writer's fork'. It shows a versatile and adaptable nature. I have one, which is very nice, but I don't think I am particularly adaptable. Oh well, nice to say I've got a 'writer's fork'. Now I just have to write something.

Lines can also affect each other, for example if the head or the heart line appears to be pushing at the other, that could signify that you let your head rule your heart, or vice versa.

Aside from all that basic stuff, this website looks quite good, though I've not had a proper look yet.

There we go. Now let's all stare at our hands! What fun!

How To Spot An Office Stereotype

There are several stereotypes that the average office couldn’t be without. Some people are an irritating mixture of all of them.

The ‘Mad’ Person

This is the person that you get ‘warned about’ when you first start out, because they’re so ‘crazy’. If it’s a man he’ll probably demonstrate his ‘madness’ by wearing some sort of comedy tie, and if it’s a woman she’ll just have really frizzy hair.

Often heard saying: “You don’t have to be mad to work here, BUT I FUCKING AM!”

The Lady Who Talks To Herself

I had one of these once who not only talked to herself, but also swore at herself incredibly loudly and without warning. It was quite terrifying.

Often heard saying: “You stupid bitch!” or "Oh sh... sugar lumps!"

The Pervy Old Man

Possibly was attractive 30 years ago, but now resides in a corner of the office, only emerging to ‘accidentally’ graze the young female temp’s arses, and look down their tops.

Often heard saying: “Why, that’s a lovely necklace you’ve got on, dear.”

The Depressed Over-Eater

This lovely lady will spend all day eating and drinking at her desk, and then make a big deal about telling everyone around her not to tell anyone about her frequent visits to the biscuit tin.

Often heard saying: “It’s Hilda’s birthday? Oh, well it would be rude not to eat several cakes then.”

The Ex-Pretty Girl

Used to be the pretty girl, but since she started working there floods of temps have flitted in and she is now noticeably less attractive than them. She hates them. She enjoys making subtle jibes at them and littering her desk with photos of her from several years ago.

Often heard saying: "Of course, you wouldn't know that because you're new."

The Slag

Has shagged at least 4 people in the office. And has given at least 2 of them crabs.

Attire: As little as office ettiquette will allow.

The Know-It-All Temp

Self explanatory really, except the difference between a 'Know-It-All' and 'Know-It-All Temp' is that a temp doesn't actually know everything, they just think they do. The current Know-It-All Temp in my office wears a suit and a scowl every single day. I bloody hate temps, and I bloody am one.

Attire: A hideously cheap suit.

The Apathetic Worker

Admittedly, this is the majority of people. We all know office work sucks, we only work there because we’re too unimaginative and/or lazy to get a different job.

Often heard saying: "Just put it in the ‘B-1N’ file."

The Participator

Participates in everything and anything they possibly can. Possibly as a way to get out of work. You’ll be able to spot them, they’ll be the ones dressed as a Father Christmas on the 1^st of December, whilst making paper chains to string around their desks.

Often heard saying: “Next Tuesday is Pancake day! Let’s all come to work dressed like pancakes, and hang pancakes from the ceiling!”

How to Speak Japanese

Here's how to speak a little Japanese - because it’s fun ( kara, tanoshii desu!) It’s not as difficult as it seems to speak, infact it’s pretty easy to speak.

Here’s a few handy phrases for you to know and use:

“Hello” – Konnichiwa - こんにちは。

“Yes” – Hai – はい。

“No” – Iie - いいえ。

“What’s your name?” – O-namae-wa nan desu ka - お名前は何ですか。

“My name is ***” - Watashi wa *** desu - 私は***です。

“Thank You” – Arigato - ありがとう。

“Please” – Dozo - どうぞ。

“Excuse me” – Sumimasen - すみまりせん。

“Your mother is a cheap whore” – O-ka-san wa yasui yariman desu - おおかさんは やすいやりんです。

“Goodbye” – Sayonara - さようなら。

Yatta! I hope you’ve learnt a lot - Sayo!

How to Choose a Perfume

"Perfume: any smell that is used to drown a worse one" -- Elbert Hubbard


For some reason I’ve always been super-sensitive to how people smell. I tend to link emotions and memories to smells very easily, but I think we all do.

My cousin worked in a perfume shop for a couple of years, and earlier this year when I visited her she showed me how to chose the perfect perfume. There’s a lot more to it than you’d imagine.

Here’s what she taught me:

1. Go to a proper perfume shop and talk to the assistants - no matter how tarty they look, they probably know their stuff.
2. Decide whether you want a perfume, ‘eau de parfum’ or an ‘eau de toilette’. Perfumes are the strongest and generally only used in the evening. Eau de parfum is the second strongest, and eau de toilette is a lighter, less concentrated (and consequently, cheaper) scent which is what most people wear on a daily basis.
3. Tell the assistant what smells you like, and try some of their recommendations.
4. Spray testers on the sample pieces of paper they give you, when you find one you like, ask to try similar ones.
5. Sniff coffee beans between testing the perfumes – it clears your nose - like the nose equivilent of a sorbet - most shops will have some for you.
6. When you have narrowed it down to two choices, spray one on each of your forearms.
7. Do not touch the perfume or rub it into your skin, this will bruise the scent.
8. Leave them for half an hour or so – this lets it settle, as most perfumes will change their smell depending on your skin.
9. Chose the one you like best, obviously.
   

With the perfume you wear daily, it’s generally said that if you can’t smell your own perfume then it suits you.

Now hopefully you’ll all stop smelling like a goblin’s jockstrap. Everyone's a winner. Especially the goblins.

How to be Fantastical-Grammatical

I am aware that sometimes I am a grammar fascist. I am also aware that sometimes I get grammar wrong, making me a hypocritical grammar fascist.

I am also aware that the title to this post may be grammatically incorrect, but you’ve got to allow some artistic licence every now and then.

Pissing Apostrophes
Apostrophes should only be used in two cases:
1. A contraction: two words being made into one, e.g. ‘Do not’ becoming ‘Don’t’
2. A possession: e.g. ‘George’s blog’ would have an apostrophe before the ‘s’ because it belongs to George. If the person’s name ends in an ‘s’ already, then the apostrophe can go after the ‘s’ at the end, e.g. ‘Fergus’ hair’.

‘I’ and ‘Me’
The way to tell if you should use ‘I’ or ‘Me’ in a sentence is to remove the other person. For example: “Cissy and I can use grammar” is right, as you can also say, “I can use grammar”. However, “Me and Cissy can use grammar” is wrong, because if you say, “Me can use grammar” then you’ll sound a bit special.

Could of
Some people use the words ‘Could of’ when really they mean ‘Could have’, or even ‘Could’ve’.‘Of’ sounds the same as 'have' (sort of) it's easy to mix them up.

Affect vs. Effect
Effect is a noun. Affect is a verb. You can affect an effect. E.g. “Crazyness is the effect of drinking too much tea” and “Drinking too much tea affects your brain”.

There are many more, of course. If I think of anymore I’ll add them here, but some of them I could have mentioned: “It’s/Its” would just be insulting my lovely blog reader’s intelligence.

How to Survive as an Artist

By 'survive', I of course mean 'stay sane', but survive sounds better.

I have just discovered a fantastic illustrator (other than the truly scrumptious Emilymews) who goes by the name of Keri Smith. I think she is wonderful.

I've not had the time to check out all of her massive website, but what I have seen is just brilliant. A particular favourite of mine was the interactive illustrations. One that struck a chord with me (as I intend to use it) was the 'Artist's Survival Kit'. It's 4 pages of pdfs: 1,2,3,4,5

I will definately be using it... even though I'm not an artist.

How To Be Miserable

"Don't let me hear you say life's taking you nowhere, angel..."

A lot of people recently have been saying how they're not happy with their lives. This, quite frankly, sucks monkey balls. While there's little I can do to help, I thought I'd take a different approach, and help adopt a sort of 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em' mentality.

There's a lot of self-help gobshite on the internet, and I have found some for you.

This article seems particularly relevant, and OK, so I didn’t write this one myself, but if I had have written it, it would be pretty much the same… only better with some letters bigger than others and a few references to transvestites.

I particularly like #10: "Don’t read a book or do some work, don’t even relax or walk the dog. Get on your computer and look for something that you can feel indignant about."

And that's exactly what I intend to do.

I quite like that the article is accompanied by a picture of the author looking bald and perverted. I might incorporate that into my blog sometime.